Every Shattered Thing (Come Alive) (27 page)

I shudder at the thought of my dad walking in to find Jude sitting casually on one of the chairs, having a conversation with me. Or worse yet—what would happen if Jude would actually try to
do
something.

Chad shakes his head. “I’ve been watching Jude these past few days. Something has gotten into him. He’s on the phone non-stop, calling reporters and checking up on leads given to him and running himself ragged.” He pierces me with his eyes and I lean back. “He’s not resting until you’re free.”

I blink and try to find the words to respond, but there’s nothing. I look around the shed and see the daylight dancing across inches of dust. The wind’s picking up now, blowing debris every which way.

Thunder roars in the distance.

How I ache for freedom. I want to have hope. I want to buy in to what this man is saying, that Jude and Emma are working hard to get me out, but it’s just so hard. I’ve managed to hide my tears for days, but the threat of their return hits me without warning and I start weeping.

I’m so sick of crying. I always think I’m over it—always think I’ve spilled the last tear. And then another reminder, another wrench in the wound, and everything opens up fresh. Chad grabs my hand and we sit like this for a while until I finally catch my breath and he hands me a hankie out of his breast pocket.

“Are you okay?”

“I will be. I always am. I just close my eyes and hope for a new sunrise...I just take one more breath and one more step and keep thinking today is a new day.”

I pause and look at him, my eyes bent into a permanent question.

“I want so badly to be able to be done with this. To look at this moment as a brief glimpse of my history. Why is yesterday still haunting? Why isn't the past letting go? Why are these burdens so terrifying?” I swallow back a sob and look at him. “I feel as though even if I
do
get rescued—even if I
am
freed—the process of recovery and just getting my life back will be impossible. How am I supposed to love when I’ve been through nothing but hate? How am I supposed to trust when I’ve known nothing but fear?”

I have no idea what it is about Chad that allows me to open up, but I’m taking it. Perhaps it’s another human looking at me as if I’m worth something that’s allowing me to feel again.

Chad looks at me for a moment and dips his head. “You know. Life doesn't have to be the absence of good. It can be beautiful and glorious and memorable and reckless and intoxicating. It can be love. And I have faith in Emma and Jude’s love for you. It’s pure and absolutely reckless with protection. You will be free one day. I have no doubt.”

I blow my nose and look at him from between the crease in the hanky.

“You sound like them. Emma and Jude. They always say stuff like that.”

“Like....”

“Like....hope stuff. They’re who got me to start hoping in the first place. Sometimes I wonder if it’s made everything worse. Living numb is so much easier, you know? I can forget. I can not think about the fact that my life isn’t normal, that it shouldn’t be like this.”

I look at him and smile.

“Anyway. Thank you. I’m glad you came.”

He sighs and looks at his watch.

“I guess I better be going now, huh?”

Standing up, he runs his hands over the pleats of his slacks and glances at me.

“Take care of yourself, Stephanie.”

“I always do.”

I hear my dad’s boots colliding with the gravel and take a deep breath. I wonder if he saw Chad. I start freaking out before I hear Chad’s car roar to life and I know he missed my dad by seconds. And then I remember tomorrow. I needed a way to get out of my father’s scrutiny and sneak over to Kevin’s house.

I close my eyes and focus. My performance needs to be absolutely flawless in order for me to pull off the deception. I dismiss the disgust lurking in the corner of my mind at what I have to do and listen for my father’s arrival. I hear the squeak of the wooden stairs before the door caves in with his frame.

“You already done?”

“Well, it looks that way.”

“That was kinda quick, don’t you think? Did you give them what they wanted? Were they

satisfied? I’m not gonna receive no bad reviews, am I?” He squints at me and shifts his weight, almost as if he’s preparing himself to pounce at a moment’s notice. A nervous cat—that’s what he looks like.

I shrug and raise an eyebrow.

“I mean, they did drive all the way out here, didn’t they? I assume they knew what they wanted...and got it. I don’t really have much say.”

He snorts and I wrinkle my nose at the chew beginning to leak from his mouth. “Fine then. Be ready in about ten minutes. We’re headed home.”

He turns around to leave and I make my move—this is my chance.

“Hey, dad?”

He turns and looks at me.

“What?”

“Um, I was wondering if I could go shopping tomorrow.”

Please don’t realize it’s a holiday.

“Why the hell you wanna go shopping? Didn’t you just go with that woman? Emma? Did she not buy you enough clothes?”

I bite the retort forming on my lips. I haven’t really been able to wear any of the clothes or the make-up she bought me. Trapped in this hell hole it’s a little hard for me to wear anything but what my dad chooses. Which is the base of this plan I have forming.

“I do have enough clothes. I don’t need to buy anything. I was actually thinking about helping you out, giving myself a break but bringing in more revenue for you.”

He crosses his arms across his chest and bounces on the balls of his feet.

“What are you talkin’ about, Steph?” He starts flossing with a toothpick he finds in the pocket of his jeans, throwing the lint and leftover chew box on the floor.

I think of a way to spell it out for him.

“I want to go to the mall. Walk around. Window shop. Maybe meet a few people. Make some friends.
Girl
friends. And then, when the time is right, you can take them like you always do...”

I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, drawing on every acting skill I never knew I had. I lower my voice and turn away, looking at him over my shoulder.

“You know the drill. More girls—more money. Felipe’s mistake in gambling bought you the cheerleading squad, but think of what could happen if we found more girls? Marisol is the only one besides me reaching men outside of the high school. Right?”

And Valerie. But he doesn’t know I know about her.

He clears his throat. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

I shrug my shoulders and sit down on the bed, placing a pillow in my lap as a barrier between me and the monster. I need to tread carefully here.

“It makes perfect sense. The girls will trust me. I’m their friend.”

He stands there, watching me, chewing on his toothpick and swaying side to side.

“I like it.”

I smile and raise an eyebrow and attempt to not jump up in glee. He just signed my ticket out of here.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I wake up the next morning curled underneath my blankets. I know before I even step out of my bed that it’s going to be a cold one, so I reach for my robe draped over the chair next to me, the cold air crawling its way up my arms and settling deep in my chest.

Holy shit it’s freezing...

I jump and down, fighting to get the blood moving in my arms and legs, and opt for a hot shower instead. My parents must have conveniently forgotten to turn on the heat last night. It’s not until I’m in the shower and the water is thawing out my frozen limbs that I realize my dad didn’t wake me. I smile to myself. My plan actually worked. I’m free today—walking out of the house will be no problem at all.

I turn the water off as soon as it starts to cool and dry myself off before throwing on my robe. I open the bathroom door and my mom is just standing there.

“Mom! W-what are you doing? You scared me. Why are you just standing outside a door?”

Her eyes are glassy. She grabs the door frame with her hand to stay balanced. I watch as her head lulls left to right and she tries to slur words out of her limp mouth.

“You ru-ined ever-thing.”

I drop the towel from my head and gently move past her into my room, recognizing her outburst as one I’ve seen before.

“You’re not making sense.”

Her voice rises to a shriek.

“
You
!”

She comes barreling towards me and I move out of her way and watch her fall into my dresser, cutting herself on a sharp edge. I go to help her but realize she doesn't even feel it. Looking at me with pure hatred, she picks herself up and walks over to where I stand, stuck between the wall and my bed. I contemplate jumping on the bed and maneuvering out of my room, but where would I go? And I’m not even dressed. The last thing I want to do is wake up dad and remind him of what I
could
be doing.

I grab her by the shoulders and look her in the eye.

“Mom.”

I snap my fingers and force her to look at me. Her lip curls and she tries to fight my embrace, hollering about me ruining everything. Again.

“You took my man from me...you
slut.
He’s your
father.
What do you guys do all day? Huh?” Her voice breaks. “What’s in the shed out back? You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t see those men coming and going? Whore. I don’t even see any of the money.
Whatdya do with all that money, slut?!
It’s because of you he’s gone. You took my
baby.
I miss him...
Pacey.”
We collapse on the floor, her head in my lap. I begin rocking her back and forth as she weeps. I sit there for about thirty minutes before she falls asleep, drooling and flinching at imaginary dreamworlds. I quietly move out from under her and get dressed. I want nothing to do with this house right now. My mom—who I thought was completely oblivious—knows everything and still chooses to do nothing.

I need out. Now. I throw on the nearest pair of jeans and a hoodie and grab my scarf and gloves on my way out the door. For today, I’m through. Just for a little while I want to pretend to be someone else entirely. I walk out the door and into the brisk morning air and make my way to Kevin’s house.

***

It doesn’t take me long. Although his neighborhood looks completely different from mine, it’s only on the other side of the street. I walk up to his front door. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen him. I try to ignore the nerves and knock on the door, noticing the
Happy Thanksgiving!
decor hanging on the wooden beams.

His mom answers wearing a white cashmere sweater and grey leggings. She looks no older than thirty. I smile and hold out my hand.

“Hi, Mrs. Matouse. I’m Stephanie. It’s so nice to meet you.”

She glances me over and leaves my hand hanging in mid-air. Turning around, she calls for Kevin and glances back at me—her eyebrow raised—before walking back into what I assume is the kitchen.

Well, that was awkward.

I brush off my misgivings and peek in and around the door for Kevin. I hear him running down the stairs and I smile. He jerks open the door and wraps me in his arms, pulling me into the house. I am hit instantly with the delicious smells of cooking turkey and fresh pies. My stomach rumbles and I realize it’s been days since I last ate.

“I didn’t know if you were going to make it or not.”

I push against his chest so I can look in his eyes. “I know - I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts. I’ve been...busy.”

His face clouds over and he shakes his head. Whispering, he leans in and looks me in they eye.

“It’s okay. You’re here now.” He kisses me. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you.” I remember his mom in the other room and when he nibbles on my ear I quietly laugh and push him away. “Kevin. Your mom.”

“And?” He pulls me closer and I put my hands up between us.

“Not here.”

He looks at me. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Just...a little freaked out about your mom not liking me and well, I don’t think walking in on her son nibbling on some girl will help.”

He shakes his head. “Steph, I told you, she doesn’t know.”

I cut him off. “I’m not that person today, okay? I’m someone different.” I smile. “I’m normal. No baggage. At least for today. I need to be normal.”

He smiles and places his hand behind my head, drawing me back into his embrace. “Absolutely.

For today, you are normal. So, more of that later then. When mom isn’t looking. Also? I wanna take you somewhere.” His eyes glint mischievously and I back away.

“Um...last time I remember you taking me somewhere resulted in us running for our lives against a train.” I quiet my voice at his earnest glance toward his mom in the kitchen and I lean forward so he can hear me. “Not too keen on surprises right now.”

“Trust me. This one is a good one.” He raises his eyebrows and chuckles. “Come on - it will be...”

“...let me guess. An adventure?” I finish his sentence and his mom clears her throat in the kitchen.

I follow the sound and find her standing behind the counter, hands on her hips, staring at us.

“Kevin, where are you planning on going? Dinner will be ready soon.”

He walks over to her. “I know, mom. It won’t take long at all. We’ll be gone for about an hour.”

She smiles at him and turns her gaze toward me—her eyes resolute, the smile gone. I wrap my arms around my chest protectively and turn away.

“I’ll wait for you outside, Kevin.”

I see Kevin follow me.

“I’m right behind you, Steph.”

“Please be careful, Kevin. I’ll see you when you get home.” His mom hollers after us and I hear Kevin chuckle again as he meets up with me, wrapping a scarf around his neck and rubbing his hands together for warmth. He looks over at me and winks.

“Where are we going?”

I notice he turns toward Emma’s house and I look at him questioningly.

He curls his lips conspiratorially and taps a few keys on his cell phone. “Huh? What was that?”

He looks at me as if he’s heard nothing.

I hit his arm.