Everything I Know About Love I Learned From Romance Novels (12 page)

New York Times
bestselling author Jennifer Crusie, author of
Bet Me
, one of my favorite contemporary romances, says that one of the most important elements to being a hero is
COMPASSION
, but that not every romance hero is a one-size-fits-all parallel to humanity: “I don’t believe in romance rules. But for me, a big one is empathy, that ability to understand the other person’s experience. Another one is respect for others, a sort of global application of the old idea of watching to see how your date treats the wait staff.

“I think a character has to be complete in herself or himself before she or he can emotionally connect to another in a partnership. The old ‘you complete me’ line makes my blood run cold. If they have all of that going for them, then they’re likely not to lie or cheat or stalk or do any of the other things that kneecap a relationship.”

Anna Campbell, another
New York Times
bestselling author (I think I’m going to be writing that phrase a lot in this book), echoed Crusie’s sentiments on empathy: “You know, the fun answer to this would be a big, powerful chest and bulging biceps and a lantern jaw and a lot of (ahem!) stamina. And that’s just the heroine! But the real (and less fun) answer is all the old golden virtues—you know,
HONESTY AND COURAGE AND INTELLIGENCE AND KINDNESS AND HONOR AND A SENSE OF HUMOR
. An ability to forgive comes in handy. Empathy for another person’s suffering. Self-sacrifice for the beloved. Sometimes our hero and heroine start out with all this good stuff. Sometimes they have to learn it.”

Nora Roberts agrees that the individual must be complete before pairing up with someone else: “I think to engage the writer’s, the reader’s (especially if it’s me), and the romantic partner’s respect, a hero or heroine must have—and this is a quote from Mary Blayney—‘honor at the core.’ Whatever they’ve done or will do, no matter how flawed they are, there has to be that
CENTRAL CORE OF HONOR
.

“They must be open, or learn to be open, to love, to compromise, and please God to humor. If they’re closed off, and remain so, they’re likely going to be too stubborn, selfish, humorless, and egotistical to engage my interest as a writer and as a reader…

“If the hero or heroine is a complete asshole, if he or she is physically or emotionally abusive, lacks that core of honor, I’m not going to care enough about them to read their story. Unless they develop that core, unless they evolve, grow during the course of the story. That may very well be the point of the story, and could be brilliantly done. Love changes the asshole.”

Jill Shalvis says, “I always like to say that heroes (and heroines) can look, talk, and act differently but the one trait they have to possess is
A GOOD HEART
. It’s a requirement.”

Author Sarah MacLean holds her heroes to the same standards as her heroines—and on both sides of the heroic equation there is plenty of work and behavior to emulate: “Even though I write historicals, in which many seem to expect that relationships be inherently unequal because of the time period, I say we shouldn’t expect anything more of our heroes than we do our heroines. And vice versa. Great relationships are based on equality. So here are my requirements for heroes, heroines, and happily-ever-afters:

1. Don’t be mean.
   
2. Don’t cheat.
   
3. If you hurt the person you love, apologize (if groveling is necessary—and it probably is—don’t phone it in).
   
4. And finally and most importantly, trust your partner. Trust, trust, trust. Far too many romances (in both real life and in romancelandia) brush over this one. I don’t understand relationships that rely on shared email accounts or (worse) account hacking. I don’t understand relationships that require hourly check-ins by phone or text. And I definitely don’t understand romance heroes who lose their jealous minds when they see their obviously loving heroines talking to other men. It’s not sexy. It’s scary.
   

“Let me say it again.
TRUST
your partner. If you can’t, this is probably not going to work.”

Author Alexis Harrington has a working model for creating a romance hero: “A hero doesn’t need to be perfect—I’d rather have a man with human frailties and self-doubts. But despite his imperfections, he must have a
NOBILITY OF SPIRIT
that gives him the ability to recognize his own flaws, to see the good in others, and ultimately, to do the right thing, regardless of the cost to himself.”

Eloisa James,
New York Times
bestselling author of more than eighteen novels, points out that the courtship isn’t always the most difficult or emotionally challenging part of a relationship: “I think marriage is really tough—it’s one of the reasons that I don’t write romances that end at the altar. And very often people need to learn those rules of conduct while married, rather than before. So I think that partners need to be thoughtful, empathetic (i.e., able to imagine what the other person is thinking), sensuous (interested in pleasure—the frequency or athleticism of the event is not important), and loving. The last is probably most important. It’s actually not all that easy to learn to be loving—to take care of the other person, to think of them, to love them. It’s a lot easier to get irritated. So I’ll add patience. I certainly have learned a lot about patience as a married person.

“Finally, you have to be
FAITHFUL
. Unfaithfulness—emotional or physical—destroys a relationship.” And that’s true in or out of a romance novel—but you knew that, right? Of course you did.”

Teresa Medeiros has very specific ideas about the rules of conduct for a hero or heroine, and she defines the lines they absolutely cannot cross—lines that work both in fiction and in reality:

1. A romance hero or heroine might end up in a battle of wit and wills with their partner but they would never ever emotionally demean or physically abuse them.
   
2. They’re more likely to find the beauty in their partner that the rest of the world may have missed.
   
3. They’re also faithful. From the first moment their gazes meet, they don’t have eyes for anyone else.
   
4. And a romance heroine doesn’t just stand by her man. She stands up to him! And he adores and respects her even more for having the courage to do so.
   
5. A romance hero must always be willing to rush into a burning building to save a basket of kittens.
   

Christina Dodd says that romance protagonists can get away with doing just about anything so long as there’s a good reason: heroes and heroines “get to have a different code of conduct than the rest of us, i.e., they can do crummy things as long as they do them for an honorable cause.

“For instance, in
The Barefoot Princess
, an historical romance, Princess Amy kidnaps Jermyn Edmondson, marquess of Northcliff, and chains him in her basement because she believes he had destroyed the livelihood of her village (and because he was the lord of the land and he’d thoughtlessly turned over the stewardship to his wicked uncle, he was ultimately responsible). The action is reprehensible. The reason is honorable. It’s a simple plan, destined to succeed—except that Uncle Harrison is Jermyn’s heir and he would be delighted if someone killed his nephew and left him with the title and fortune, and Jermyn is handsome, arrogant, and a little cranky with Amy for manacling him.”

Kresley Cole says that to construct the ideal hero and heroine, the trust and respect are obvious and required, but “they also need
A SHARED SENSE OF HUMOR
to have a chance at a lasting HEA. I believe humor is a buffer against the everyday aggravations that can wear on a relationship. If I read a scene with the hero and heroine laughing together, then I feel much more confident about their HEA.”

Author Rachel Gibson says that reality is the major draw for readers and writers, because her characters have to seem possible: “For me personally, the hero and heroine must seem like real people. Real people with real problems who handle them realistically.

“In order for a hero and heroine to earn their happy-ever-after, they have to learn and grow as people. They have to start at one place and grow as human beings. The growth can be as simple as forgiveness or as complicated as overcoming death or betrayal. I believe that fiction has to be even more realistic than real life.”

Grace Draven agrees, and says her own ideal hero and heroine wish list helped her create the hero and heroine of her book
Master of Crows.
She combined a terribly grumpy and flawed hero with an inner core of honor and integrity, and a shy, plain heroine with a tremendous personal strength. Martise of Asher bargains with her masters for her freedom: she will spy on a feared sorcerer, Silhara of Neith, and find enough evidence of wrongdoing that her masters can get rid of him. But when she falls in love with him, she learns that he is corrupted—literally. An evil god has invaded Silhara’s consciousness, tempting him with limitless power if Silhara will help this god rule over the world. According to Draven, the best romance heroes and heroines display “the commonality of
HUMANITY
in all its dirty glory, with a spit-shine of heroism to make it respectable.”

Honesty and the ability to deal with real human emotions is a major element that author Caridad Ferrer uses to develop her heroes, who, because Ferrer writes young adult romance, are younger than the usual romance hero: “The thing about love is that it’s scary and we see it over and over in the books we love, how it prompts people to behave in crazy ways that are driven by the fear that sort of intense emotion tends to provoke. So it’s not just about being honest with each other—characters need to be
HONEST WITH THEMSELVES
and have that pep talk and go, hey, you know, this love stuff? It’s terrifying.”

Reader Darlynne encompasses all true heroic traits when she says that “in real life and fiction, and after thirty-four years of marriage, the most enduring, endearing, and important characteristics of a hero for me are these: Is he someone to be trusted with all the things that matter? Does this person have the respect of his peers? Is he someone others count on?

“The fictional hero-type that fits this bill for me is Cosmo Richter from Suzanne Brockmann’s
Hot Target.
He is equal to all situations except the emotional ones. He has a plan, a course of action; he is prepared and ready. People count on him and know their lives are safe in his hands.

“In one word:
CAPABLE
. And
CONSTANT
. Okay, that’s two words. Make it three:
HONORABLE
.

“My husband is all this. And you can quote me on that.”

Dee says, “I think that the main traits that I adore in my heroes are that they don’t necessarily see the flaws but the great things the female protagonist offers. He sees her as the epitome of beauty no matter what society’s variation of beauty is at that moment. It’s not that he loves her because she’s flawless, but he loves her because those ‘flaws’ make her who she is.”

Orangehands echoes that the focus on the attraction and not the standard of beauty is affirming to her as well: “Physical attraction is usually important, but physical beauty is not. I don’t like it when the hero falls in love because of beauty. I want the heroes to love the heroines for a core part of their personalities. For instance, the reason Rupert from
Mr. Impossible
by Loretta Chase is my favorite historical romance hero is because of how he loves Daphne’s intelligence. (And Daphne is one of my favorites because she has that intelligence.) But he never once wanted her to be stupid, but rather wanted her to be as smart as she could, as she was.”

Ultimately, romance novels aren’t about the heroic ideal, or individuals who are so perfect, real humanity can’t measure up. Certainly some portions of the novels and the characters within them are idealized, but really, the pairing of the protagonists is what matters. They are not perfect, but perfect for one another. They are made up of characteristics highlighted here that just about anyone can acquire and demonstrate—if not all, then many of them. Not being a complete douchecanoe is the first step in being your own ideal romance hero or heroine—and it’s absolutely an attainable ideal.