Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Dungeons & Dragons (17 page)

“It was more of an ill-educated suggestion to move forward with repairs, which was shot down. Why are we here again? I thought this was settled.”

Ill-educated? Great. How could I speak to them in a language they'll understand when they couldn't even properly string together an insult? But I was not deterred. I was a calm, cool, collected master of manipulation.

“I have the notes right here,” I said, passing out copies for everyone. “I also took the liberty of printing out copies of Star Engineering's references and rating report from Angie's List, Yelp, and the Better Business Bureau.”

Some of my neighbors nodded their heads as they sifted through the piles of paper. Others tossed it aside and growled. “We don't need no stupid-a references. We need to tell these-a scam artists where they can-a stick their report-a. Nothing wrong with the building!”

Ooh, we're rolling for initiative.

“I understand your concern, Aella,” I began. “And I appreciate your dedication to ensuring everyone in this building is protected. I share your concern, so I took the liberty of looking into some case studies about stucco buildings built around the same time as ours. Turns out nearly one in three buildings thirty years and older experiences similar cases of water intrusion like what Star Engineering found on our building. If you turn to the graph on page six you'll see what I mean.”

Does a 19 beat your armor class, Aella? Why, yes, I believe it does.

Nothing says “I know more than you and therefore you need to trust me” like a graph. If they looked closely they might notice some of my math was off, but they don't. This graph was purely for visual impact, and impact it had.

“Very impressive,” Skip said. I can tell he was thankful not to have to run one of these cat-herding contests.

“Oh, sure,” Aella said as she snorted. “But can your graphs generate a million dollars, huh? This just paper! You need-a money to fix-a the problem. We no have-a money!”

Aella casts
Bless
, granting all targets a +1 power bonus to attacks.

While graphs are aesthetically appealing, you can't beat the emotional influence of the money card. The same heads that nodded at my graph and references nodded at her. Stupid lemmings!

I cleared my throat. “Look, I know some of you have lived here even longer than I have.
Cheryl
, you were one of the very first homeowners!
There are plenty of places you could have lived, but you chose to live here.
For decades.
And let me tell you—wise investment! But that investment is in jeopardy if we don't do something about the water damage. At the rate we're going we face substantial structural damage that will add additional hundreds of thousands of dollars in costs. I assure you,
Joseph
, we will have to make these repairs eventually and if we wait much longer it will cost double, even triple this initial bid. You could lose
all
of your equity.”

I said that last bit looking at Patty, who I know has grandiose ideas about hanging up her nursing scrubs and moving her and her overweight tabby to a cabin in Ocean Shores. I felt bad when she averted her gaze and frowned at my presentation packet. But it was no time to go soft!

And Patty is dazed. Save ends.

“If you don't believe me, look at page eleven and see what happened to the Garden Heights over in Bellingham,” I said. Patty would not like it.

I gave them time to read the overview. It didn't take long, seeing as I bulleted, bolded, and highlighted the important stuff.

“Maybe we could look at just replacing the south wall,” a weakened Amanda/Adrian said to my surprise and delight. Never underestimate the power of a sweatshirt and a bar graph.

Amanda/Adrian's next-door neighbor, Joy, bobbed her head in agreement. “And then we could replace the stucco with a nice, more modern material.”

“I love it!” Amanda/Adrian said. Mind you, these are the same people who wanted to paint underwater murals on our front doors.

“It will look like a cool art piece,” Patty said. “Like an accent wall. Maybe corrugated metal.”

Even Joseph got inspired. “Maybe we could paint the stucco a brighter color while we're at it. Like a nice burnt sienna?”

Okay, not to be an ingrate and all but that wasn't what I had in mind at all. I mean, I was excited that they were getting on board but to slap a piece of corrugated metal onto a 1979 stucco building in Seattle's twelfth-most-popular neighborhood?

Fortunately, Aella didn't agree with this strategy, either. “That still be $400,000 dollars! Plus more for your
arty
materials!”

Alexander was getting upset. His face burned scarlet and there were veins emerging from parts I didn't know had veins. “Ohhhhhh puurrffffphhhh ickles gupppppkle …”

“You are correct, Aella!” I said, smiling at her. “And I think Alexander might need a glass of water. In the meantime, please turn to page nineteen for a detailed cost breakdown. You'll notice that by repairing the entire building envelope all at once, we save just over 20% in the long run.”

“Yukbaukukuk!”

“I'm sorry?”

“He say you-a going to-a have to buy us out!” Aella said on behalf of Alexander. “We no pay for repairs. You buy us out and we move to new apartment.”

As much as I loved the idea of an Aella-and-Alexander-the-Grump-free zone, their latest idea just proved how out of touch with reality these people are. Buy them out? Who are we, Wal-Mart?

Thankfully I didn't have to explain the preposterous nature of this because Skip was all over it.

“That's not an option, Aella. The Association does not purchase units just because an owner is disgruntled.”

Oh, snap! Skip hits with an acid arrow.

“Then we sell,” she said. “Wash our hands of you.” She mimed washing her hands for extra emphasis.

“Well, good luck with that, Aella,” I said. “Really. Just from the few days of research I did, it looks like selling when the building is in such a state of uncertainty is all but impossible. I can't imagine there's a mortgage lender in town who would finance a building with a potential assessment upward of half a million dollars.”

“You-a can't keep us here!” she shouted.

“Oh, I'm not keeping you. Your denial about the building's structural damage is what's keeping you. When we fix it, you leave.” I washed my hands for extra emphasis.

“We should start talking to our respective banks,” Joseph said. “We're probably better off getting individual loans rather than an association loan.”

I smiled at my prodigy. “I couldn't agree more.”

Just like our Tuesday game and lunch time Encounters game, and Mr. Tulach's speech about in-store play programs and anything our Dungeon Master to the Stars touches, I left them wanting more. I packed up my remaining papers, grabbed my keys, and bid adieu.

“If anyone has questions, just let me know. I kind of went overboard with the research. I just want to be sure we know our rights and are as educated as we can be. I realize it's a big expense for all of us. Not pashmina big, but up there.”

They thanked me for my hard work. Told me how much they appreciated the effort I put into this.

“Your opinion matters,” Patty told me, clutching my wrist.

“Imagine taking a bath and not living in fear of getting a concussion!” Joseph said wistfully.

“Yes, imagine that,” I said, vowing to not imagine
that
at all. I hope someone was taking notes.

“Arizona, here I come!” said Cheryl.

“Sorry to cut this short but I have an appointment I can't miss.”

For all they knew I was off to meet with an engineering firm and a property management company to stage another coup on an unsuspecting condo association in a subpar neighborhood. But I just went back to my condo and created a new graph. This one showed how many out-to-dinners, eyebrow waxings, and On Demand movies I'd have to forgo in order to pay my share of the upcoming assessment. Tell me again whose dumb idea this was?