Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (46 page)

I don't even get to the top of the front steps before David opens the door and walks out to meet me. He folds his arms across his chest and stares at me, tension rolling off of him in waves. "What are you doing here, Jeremy? SarahBeth isn't here; she's still at school. I'm sure you're already aware of that considering she says you've been talking every day."

"I know she's still at school. I came to talk to you. Can I come in?" It's strange to have to ask permission to enter this house, a house I lived in for six years, minus the last two months.

Staring me down, he doesn't agree at first but finally nods and steps aside to gesture for me to walk in first. We head straight for his office, where he shuts the door before sitting behind his desk and leaning back in the chair. Never once taking our eyes off of each other, we wait for the other to speak first. Knowing we're not going to get anywhere like this, I'm the first to break. I exhale slowly. "Look David, I'm sure SarahBeth told you why I pushed her away, but I just want to tell you, you don't have to worry. I'll keep her safe."

His eyes widen, then narrow as he continues to stare. "You'll
keep her safe
?"
Fuck
. I thought she'd told him...maybe she didn't? "SarahBeth told me there was some shit going on with your fucked up mother?" He says it like it's a question, but it's more of a statement. I nod, and he continues, "Exactly what kind of shit has she gotten herself into and how bad is it? Dammit Jeremy, my sister may be willing to see you, but there's no way I'm letting her get mixed up in this kind of trouble."

"I
know
," I say emphatically, "I'm not willing to put her in danger either. Do you really think I'd be doing this, that I'd be putting her through all of this if I weren't sure I could protect her? The whole reason I stayed away was to protect her. I wanted her to be
safe
, to not have to look over her shoulder constantly. Unfortunately, Teresa doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut, and now Charles knows about her." I haven't answered his question, not wanting to admit just how deep in it my mother is. I'm more than thirty years old, and I'm downright embarrassed by my mother's actions.

"She's getting high again," I confess, running a hand through my hair in exasperation. "She's getting high, and whoever's warming her bed this week is helping her get deeper and deeper in debt to Charles
again
. I've already told her that I'm not paying for it this time, and now she's gone to my grandmother and Constance. Teresa was quick to throw it in my face that Charles knows your name and SarahBeth's and that he'll come after the two of you if I don't help her."

David isn't staring at me in anger anymore; instead his eyes are full of sympathy. He knows about my childhood, about the shit my mother put me through...he doesn't know as much as Sarah, but he knows enough to know how miserable it was. Hating the thought of anyone pitying me, I turn away from the look on his face before saying; "The only reason I stayed away was to ensure no one would tie her to me. You and I were already not speaking, and you'd told her not to talk to me either, so it seemed like the easiest course of action. But," I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the sudden lump when I think about her, "SarahBeth just kept trying. She wouldn't give up; she wouldn't leave me alone...it fucking
killed
me to tell her I didn't want her, knowing that it couldn't be further from the truth."

"You don't know what it did to me every time she came to see me. How hard it was to turn her away, to watch her crumble and know that it was because of
me
.
Fuck
, I spent just about every night drunk off my ass trying to forget her." Turning back to meet his eyes, I say, "You're my oldest friend, more like a brother, and I know I went about this completely the wrong way...but Dave, I
love
her. I've loved her since the first time I saw her, even though it wasn't always this all-consuming feeling, it wasn't always the same type of love it is now. I want her more than I've ever wanted any fucking thing."

He stares at me for a few minutes; his eyes and expression carefully guard his thoughts and his feelings, until finally, David smiles. He stands slowly before coming around his desk and holding out a hand for me to shake. "It's about damn time. Glad you finally got your head out of your ass, man." I look at him in shock because this is the last reaction I expected, and he laughs. The fucker
laughs
at the expression I'm sure is on my face. "Oh, don't get me wrong, Jer, I'm still fucking pissed off at you for going behind my back the way you did, but if I had to choose anyone for my sister to fall in love with, I'd choose you."

I can't even speak at this point. We went through so much trouble trying to hide it, and he tells me that he would have chosen me? David continues, "I know you think the two of you hid shit well, but that couple of weeks before her birthday? I kept waiting for one of you, for you really, to come to me, to tell me what was going on. If you guys had been honest, if you had told me you wanted to be together and that you cared for her, I wouldn't have liked it, but I could have dealt with it. I
would
have dealt with it..." The anger is creeping back into his voice, and I know without a doubt that while he says he would have been okay with it, it would have been hard for him to handle. "You should have given me a chance to deal with it, Jeremy.
You
were my closest friend and you betrayed my trust. SarahBeth was young; she's still young. I can forgive her for sneaking around, for thinking that I'd overreact, but I'm just not sure I can forgive you for it."

My stomach sinks at the thought that we may never get past this, that we'll never move forward. I'm in love with his sister, and he's the only real family she really has left. If he can't be okay with this, with
us
, then how can I do this to her? "David, I wanted to tell you. I didn't want to keep our relationship a secret...but it was just so new. There was so much going on, so much that could go wrong. I tried to stay away from your sister; I did everything I possibly could to keep my feelings brotherly. It. Just. Wasn't. Possible. There was no exorcising her from my heart. God, if you knew half the things I did to try to keep some distance between us--"

He cuts me off, grimacing as he says, "I don't even want to know." Then, he sighs, "Look, I'm going to try to get past it, to get past what the two of you did...the lies, the sneaking around. I just don't know if I can." I nod, unable to offer anything else in my defense. His jaw tightens, and I turn to walk away...heading out to the foyer to wait for Sarah when I see that it's almost time for her to get home. David stops me with a hand on my arm, "Just a heads up though, my sister loves you, Jeremy. Not only that, but she
needs
you...more than you realize. You have a shit ton of mistakes to make up for, and I don't envy you for it. But, you'd better treat her right." He grins over at me now, saying, "If you don't, I'll kick your ass...for all of it."

"I wouldn't expect anything less." The tension diffused, David laughs, clapping me on the back as he leads me out of his office. When we get to the front door, SarahBeth is just getting out of her car, but she freezes when she sees us standing next to each other. Her eyes fill with tears and David rushes down the steps to hug her tightly, whispering something in her ear that has her eyes widening, suddenly fearful as she stares back at me. He pulls back, forcing her to look up at him, and finally, she nods. My brow furrows as I take in their serious expressions, and I make a mental note to ask her what's up when I get her alone later. Shit is beginning to add up, and I'm more than a little worried at the possibilities.

Walking slowly over to where they stand in the driveway, I look between the two of them. "What's going on?"

David doesn't answer. Instead he looks at SarahBeth instead with one eyebrow raised. She tries to cover her fear with a smile as she looks up at me. "Nothing. David's just being overprotective." He snorts, obviously disagreeing, but doesn't contradict her.

There's no way for me to contradict her without it being obvious that I don't believe her, and since we're trying to learn to trust each other again, I'm stuck between what I want and what I know I should do...which is backing off until she's ready to tell me. SarahBeth blushes under my scrutiny, adding to my suspicion that something isn't right, she heads for the house, saying, "I'll be back soon. I want to put my stuff away and take a quick shower." She hurries inside, leaving David and me standing in the driveway with him refusing to look at me.

"Okay, now that she's gone, what the hell did you say to her?" My voice is sharper than I intended, but my head is reeling with all the possible things he could have told her. He could be warning her away from me, trying to get her to tell me whatever it is she's hiding, or so many other things.

If it weren't for the guilty look in his eyes, I would doubt the suspicions I have, but the fact that he doesn't even really want to meet my stare tells me that he's helping her hide something. "It's not for me to say." He does look at me now, his eyes narrow and his jaw clenched tight. "You're going to have to earn her trust before she tells you anything, and I can't really blame her for that...no matter how much I think you need to know. She'll tell you when she's ready, and there's nothing you can do to change that."

There's nothing I can say to that, so I stand beside him, leaning up against Sarah's car and thinking over the past few minutes, the conversation they had, and the things he just said to me. It's all adding up to something, but surely if
that
was the case, someone would have told me, and David damn sure wouldn't be this understanding. We stand in silence waiting for SarahBeth to reappear, and when she does, the look on her face is one of fear and upset. It's not a stretch to think the fear has to do with tonight, being alone with me, with me asking questions she obviously doesn't want to answer, but I have no idea what's causing her to look so upset, so sad.

David's noticed it too, and he walks over to have a hushed conversation with her that ends in him turning back to glare at me. Shaking his head, he mutters, "
Stupid motherfucker
," before walking back into the house and leaving us alone.

SarahBeth's watching me closely, catching her bottom lip in-between her teeth and searching my eyes for answers to questions she doesn't want to ask. Unable to stand being so far away from her, I walk over and pull her into my embrace, keeping her close to me until she finally relaxes and slides her arms around my waist.

"What's wrong, baby?" I ask her, concerned about the look on her face when she walked outside.

She buries her face in my chest, refusing to look at me, or answer my questions, something that drives me crazy. There's no way for me to even
try
to make things better, to earn her trust, if she won't tell me what's bothering her. When I ask her a second time, she sniffles before lifting her face to mine. "I don't want to talk about it right now." She frowns, pulling away from me and walking over to the passenger side of my car.

Torn between letting it go and trying to force her to tell me what's wrong, I don't move at first. She gets in, but doesn't look back at me. Instead, she stares out the window on her side of the car, avoiding me, and shutting me out in a way that damn near kills me. I want to protect her, I always have...I can't make anything better if she doesn't tell me what the problem is, but I also know that if I push it, she will push back and we'll be even more estranged than we already are. I'm not naive, I know she doesn't trust me, doesn't want to share anything with me, but it still causes an ache in my chest, knowing that the easy relationship we once had is gone, maybe gone forever. Resigned, I sigh before getting in the car myself, heading towards the market close to my apartment to get something to drink with dinner, resolving to get her talking before the night is over.

Jeremy

W
e pull into a wine and liquor stores between her house and my apartment just as my phone rings. Looking down I see it's my grandmother and answer quickly, getting out of the car as I gesture to SarahBeth to give me a second.

"Hey Nonna." The one thing I can thank my mother for is my grandmother. She's never let me down; never let me feel unloved. I could easily disown the rest of my family, never see them again, but I could never abandon my grandmother. Since she lives with my aunt and uncle, I'm forced to spend time at their house, but I try to get my grandmother out of there at least once a month.

Her husky laugh comes through the phone as she replies, "Sweet boy, aren't you too old to call me that?" The smile in her voice is almost audible, and I can't help but smile back. "I just wanted to let you know that I left the food in your oven. You just need to warm it when you get there. Are you taking care of my sweet girl?" Her voice is stern when she asks, and I look over at SarahBeth, standing on the other side of my car, waiting for me to finish my conversation.