Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (43 page)

Saying no to him is so
hard
for me. Even after everything, all the things he's said, the way he's acted towards me recently, I still
love
him...I love him more than anything in this world. His eyes are practically begging me to give him this chance when I look up at him, his voice full of pain and pleading with me. Unable to speak at the look in his eyes, I can only nod, unaware I was going to agree.

Jeremy closes his eyes in relief and when he opens them again, I would almost swear they look wet, but he blinks quickly and it's gone. "Thank you," he says in a low voice. "Can I take you to dinner?"

"When?"

This time he grabs my hand before I can pull back, entwining our fingers. "Tonight."

"I can't." Jeremy starts to speak, I'm sure to argue, but I shake my head quickly. "I'll give you a chance, but I need some time. You hurt me
so bad
, Jeremy. I just...I need some time."

He nods sadly. "Okay. I'll give you some time." The look in his eyes is fierce. "But, I won't give you much time." Standing, he walks past me, stopping to lean into me and I have to close my eyes and clench my hands at him being so close to keep from pulling him into me. "I want you back, and I'm not willing to wait very long."

I'm left, sitting at the table, my food uneaten,
trembling
. Four little words have completely decimated me, torn me apart and put me back together.
I want you back
....spoken in the low voice he used when he told me I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, the same as when he told me I was his. The low timbre of that voice gets me every single time, has me melting, softening, willing to forgive him practically anything, which is why I had to say no to tonight. I'm already off-balance and if I let him see me tonight, we won't get anything resolved. I'll end up forgiving him for everything, and I'll be left without any answers.

Jeremy

G
etting SarahBeth to talk to me has been frustrating. I finally decide to man up and get her back just as she decides to give up on me. It's almost laughable. She's just that damn contrary...always doing the opposite of what you want her to. Now, here we sit, finishing the dinner she
finally
agreed to -- after I spent an exorbitant amount of money of every pink rose, tulip, daisy and something called a peony the florist had, just because I know pink is her favorite. Luckily, I'm not one to give up easily, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to win her back, even if I have to hand in my man card in the process. 

Coming up with little sentiments to put on each of the cards that went along with those flowers was difficult. How many ways can you say
I'm sorry, I fucked up
? Not enough apparently. I had to resort to things like
please give me a chance to make things right
and
let me explain
. I knew she would eventually talk to me, just like I know she's going to take me back...eventually. The note that
finally
changed her mind and got her to speak to me? I told her I was honoring my promise to her brother from weeks ago....I wrote;
I'm coming back for you
the day after writing
I said I'd give you time, but not much more
.

Dinner at her favorite restaurant was a fairly quiet affair. As much as I want to talk to her, talking while we're trying to eat is damn near impossible, even if she is just picking at her food and looking exhausted. I already know from talking to Tyler that this is her and Livvie's first week back in class, so I'm sure she's stressed, but it looks like more than that. I just wish I were able to ask...after recent events; I'm not sure she'd confide in me about anything, not until we settle everything.

We've spent most of the night so far talking about trivial things, the weather, the latest project I've been working on, that David and Lyric are back on track and Livvie's latest drama. We carefully avoid delving too deeply into any one topic. That's going to change soon though, as soon as we're out of here, I'm taking her to the new apartment I leased this week. At least there we will be able to talk in peace.

The waitress comes to bring the check and after dropping enough to cover dinner and a decent tip, I lead SarahBeth out to my car. It's still fairly early in May, so the nights are still cool and she's only wearing a dress and light cardigan. I haven't told her about my apartment, and she doesn't ask where we're going until I pull into the parking lot.

"Um, where are we going?" she asks, probably thinking I was just going to take her home, even though we haven't talked yet.

Laughing softly, I pull into my designated spot, not saying anything until I've helped her out of the car. "This is my new apartment. I couldn't stay on Tyler's couch forever. It's not that comfortable."

"Oh," she says, biting down on her bottom lip in worry.

Eager to reassure her, because I can guess what she's thinking, I quickly say, "I just brought you here to talk...in private without people listening in." Suddenly unsure myself, I ask, "Would you rather I just took you home?" I'm hoping she doesn't say yes, and when she shakes her head, staring up at the building in front of us in trepidation, I put my hand on the small of her back and lead her to the door that will take us inside and up to my third floor apartment.

Thankfully there isn't anyone else in the elevator with us, because she quickly steps as far away from me as possible, eager to put space between us. The tension in the small space is thick, both of us absorbed in what we want to say to the other. The trip up is short and in minutes we're standing in front of my door. SarahBeth's looking everywhere but at me when we walk inside, I'll be the first to admit that the decorating in my apartment is nothing like she's used to. I don't have much here yet; I haven't had the time, nor the inclination to shop. It was always Sarah's thing...I only went along when I had to. Honestly, that's what Melanie and I were doing at the mall last week. We picked up the necessities and a few random things for this apartment, things I'd need to have when I moved in.

SarahBeth wanders around my living room, looking at the few pictures on the mantle, running her fingers along the frames. I lean back against the wall to watch her, and just enjoy seeing her here in my space, somewhere I couldn't imagine her being just last week. When she's done, she stands across the room, watching me warily, not saying a word.

"Do you want to sit? We still need to talk SarahBeth." I gesture towards the sofa, she nods and pulls her bottom lip in between her teeth the way she always does when she's nervous. Keeping her eyes on me, SarahBeth waits for me to sit before sitting on the opposite end of the couch, her back stiff and her hands balled into fists on her lap. She looks like she's ready to run, like she's expecting me to pounce and once again, I'm reminded of how much I
hate
this distance between us.

Turning slightly towards her, I begin with yet another apology. "I'm sorry, Little Bit, so sorry for everything."  Flinching just a bit at the use of the nickname I've always called her, she looks away, but not before I see the pain in her eyes. Fully aware that it may cause her to bolt, I scoot closer to her, barely restraining myself from turning her face back to me. I want to see her eyes when I tell her why I've been so cold, so hell bent on keeping us apart. I need her to know that I'm telling the absolute truth.

"I know I've been worse than an asshole," I say, watching one side of her mouth tip up and knowing she would call me worse names. "It was for a good reason though, at least to me." Frustrated with the fact that she won't look at me, I decide just to lay it all out there. I can't stand this fucking distance, not when all I want to do is pull her into my arms and have her tell me she forgives me.

It feels like I'm at confession, getting ready to lay out all my sins and ask what I need to do for penance. "You know my relationship with most of my family is shit."

"Yes," she says softly, confusion evident in her voice.

"Luckily, you haven't had much interaction with my mother, but she's always getting into and out of trouble. Usually it's something to do with drugs or alcohol, she's been arrested for prostitution because she had to pay her dealer or she begs people for money because she owes somebody. She gets mixed up with people she shouldn't be associated with at all. This time, the guy demanded names of people she was close to, she gave him my name of course. Constance and Henry will never give her money, and my grandmother doesn't have much to give. Being part of my life put you in danger, and I couldn't allow that. Unfortunately, my fuck up of a mother gave them your name in an attempt to manipulate me, so they're already aware of you. It also means there's no reason for me stay away from you, because they already know who you are." 

I've kept my gaze locked on her face throughout the entire explanation, watching her face grow more pale, knowing this is what I wanted to prevent. The last thing I want is for her to be scared or upset, but being a part of my life makes her ammunition for my mother. 

"Did you not think I could handle it?" her voice is resigned, but I can hear the anger just below the surface. "That I'd want to be there for you...
with
you? We were great together, Jeremy...together we could have handled anything."

Not wanting to explain my actions yet again, actions that were meant to keep her safe, I say, "I just wanted to protect you..." Before I can explain any further, she finally turns to face me, her eyes sparking angrily as she glares at me, her temper snapping.

"Are you seriously telling me that you stayed away from me just because your mom is a crappy person? You've made my life a living hell for
six
weeks because you wanted to
protect
me?" She stands, almost vibrating with fury hurt. 

As soon as she stops talking, I cut in, "
Yes
! It's my
job
to protect you." Doesn't she get that? All of this was to protect her, from her innocence touching my goddamn mother's bullshit touching her innocence.

"How do you know I couldn't handle it? I'd do
anything
for you Jeremy!"

I stand now, struggling to explain further, because this is the last reaction I expected from her, but she cuts me off, her voice thick with tears. "Did it ever occur to you that I wouldn't care? That I would want to be with you regardless? Do you really not realize how much I loved you?" 

The fact that she uses the past tense doesn't escape my notice, and my heart clenches painfully at the thought that I've done too much damage for us to come back from this. Before I can think about possible repercussions, I walk over to stand in front of her, my hand shaking as I cup her cheek and ask, "Baby, what kind of man would I be if I didn't want to protect you? Hurting you hurts me." Bending so I can look straight into her eyes, I say, my voice rough with emotion, "You're the most important thing in my world, Little Bit. The only reason I shut you out is because I love you so fucking much. If something happened to you because of my family, if being with me caused you to be hurt, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Knowing it was better for
you
that I stay away was the only thing keeping me from you."

SarahBeth closes her eyes, shutting me out now, not allowing me to see what she's feeling. "Dammit! Do you honestly think I'd push you away if I didn't have a good fucking reason?" My voice rises with my frustration.

Her eyes fly open, pinning me with her angry stare. Jerking away from me, she spins around, and tries to get herself under control in a way that's all too familiar. I can't help but smile as she faces away from me, her hands balled into fists at her side, she's breathing heavily as she attempts to calm herself down. Finally, she turns back to me, but takes a step back, keeping her distance. She thinks that putting space between us will keep me away from her, but she's wrong. I've lived six weeks without her; I'm not going a minute longer.

"God, you make me so mad," she seethes, looking at me in a way that makes me worry over sensitive body parts and what she might do to them in retaliation. "I can't believe you would do that, that you would just cut me off and take yourself out of my life without even telling me what was going on. I just..." her voice breaks and I watch as she deflates in front of me, no longer the angry little madam, but a sad young girl instead. "If you only knew..."

Unable to take it anymore, the distance, the emotions, the whole damn situation, I take the three steps necessary to take her in my arms, refusing to let her go, even when she struggles. That might make me the worst kind of man, but she only pushes against me for a second before relaxing, clutching my shirt in her fists and burying her head in my chest.