Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (38 page)

Still refusing to turn and face him, I can see his reflection in the mirror, but I say nothing more. Finally, David sighs, "If that's the way you want it. I can promise you this though Jer, you're going to regret this one day...and sooner than you think." Then, he walks out of my office, leaving me alone with my thoughts. The thing he doesn't get is I regretted this decision the moment I made it. I just don't know a better way to handle it.

SarahBeth

H
anging at the mall wasn't in my plans today. I'd rather be home drowning my sorrows in Ben & Jerry's, but with Lyric pushing and Livvie dragging me out of the house to go shopping, I didn't have much choice. Hanging out with Livvie is fine, but she didn't say anything about Tyler joining us. I like Tyler, but being around someone who is such a close friend of Jeremy's is going to suck. All I will want to do is ask him how he's doing, if he's okay; does he ever talk about me?

Everyone is trying to keep me in the dark where Jeremy's concerned. I know David's trying to protect me, and even though I overheard that he went to see Jeremy last week when I eavesdropped on his conversation with Lyric, I still don't have answers. I think he and Lyric are worried I'm going to hear something I shouldn't, so they don't talk about anything downstairs. It's ironic that everyone is hiding things from me now considering the secret I'm keeping and how much trouble my past secrets caused. I'm wounded, but I'm not broken. Good or bad I'd rather know everything than live wondering what's going to happen next.

I tried to explain that to Livvie on the way here, but she kept giving me shifty eyes and avoiding the subject. I know she's been spending time at Tyler's recently and I'm not sure what's up with that. Spending time with him means she must've seen Jeremy at some point, but she just keeps telling me to drop it. Thankfully he won't be joining us until after we finish our shopping because Livvie's been pulling me into the baby and maternity stores. We've "oohed" and "aahed" over adorable baby outfits and now she's going through racks of maternity clothes in an attempt to get me excited about all of this.

"Oh SB! Come look at this shirt. Isn't it
adorable
?" The last word is a high-pitched squeal as she waves me over to her from across the store. I've only just found out I'm pregnant so shopping for maternity clothes is more than a little daunting.

By the time I reach her, she's found more to show me. Most are varying degrees of "I can't wait to" shirts - shave, have a martini, etc...but some really are cute. I mean, I'm barely twenty-one and I wasn't exactly a big drinker before now. I'll admit I'm a little scared about the shaving thing...what's up with that? I'm worried I'm going to end up looking like Sasquatch by December. That won't be attractive
at all
. The ones that say things like
hear your laugh
or
kiss your cheek
are the tops I can actually see myself wearing. 

When I don't share her enthusiasm, Livvie starts to pout, saying, "Come on babe! I know things are hard right now, but you're going to be a
mom
! This is one of those experiences that you want to remember as a happy time...not a depressing one!" Her eyes are begging me to agree with her, and really, she's right. The last thing I want is to look back on these months as
being
awful or depressing, but it's so hard to get to that point.

"Okay Liv, I'll
try
." Her smile at my words is huge and I feel the need to emphasize once more, "
Try
, Liv. I said try...not definitely will. Please, just give me some time to adjust, alright?"

Waving away my words, Livvie says over her shoulder as she takes one of the shirts up to the register, "All I heard was okay - and I'll take it!" Shaking my head, I follow along behind her, waiting for her to pay for her purchase before heading towards the food court to meet Tyler.

As we reach the food court, Tyler rushes over to us, concern in his eyes, he's worrying his lip between his teeth. Putting a hand on each of our shoulders he tries to turn us around. Liv digs her heels in, refusing to go along with him. "What the hell Ty! What are you doing?" Live asks. As she tries to look behind him he steers us away. "Hey! Seriously, I'm hungry you jerk!"

Shaking his head and avoiding her questions he's still trying to move us in the opposite direction. "Drop it love. Just
move
!" He's acting odd...more than he usually does, but Livvie ignores his order, still straining to see over his shoulder. Suddenly, she stiffens, looking first up at him and then over at me, an apology in her eyes.

"You asshole! Are you protecting
him
?" Her voice quickly rises to a level that has people nearby stopping to watch the unfolding drama. She shoves him away from her, putting him closer to me as he tries not to knock into me.

Tyler closes his eyes briefly before he tells her, "It's not what you think." Then, he turns to me, eyes full of sympathy. My stomach twists painfully as I realize he's trying to protect
me
, which means Jeremy is here.

Standing on my tiptoes, I brace a hand on his shoulder to help steady myself. Jeremy's here all right...but he's not here
alone
. Is that
Melanie...
? Why is he here with her? They broke up a long time ago...and it wasn't pretty when they did. Why on earth would they be together?

Glaring at him, Livvie shoves Tyler away and when he steps back, I'm no longer able to hold onto his shoulder so I lose my balance. Quickly wrapping an arm around my waist to steady me, he leans in to say, "I'm sorry love, really."

I shake my head at him; he has nothing to be sorry about. I know he was trying to protect me. "It's not what you're both thinking..." he starts to say in a louder voice, but Liv cuts him off.

"Save it. If it's
not what we think
, why were you trying to keep us from seeing them?" She puts her hands on her hips, staring up at him with an expression that dares him to say that's not what he was doing.

Tyler sighs, running a hand through the longer hair on top of his head. "Because I knew you'd react exactly like this Livvie-girl and I didn't want to upset SarahBeth needlessly."

"
Needlessly
? Her baby daddy..." Livvie trails off with a softly spoken, "crap" before clapping a hand over her mouth. 

Tyler's head snaps around to me, a strange look on his face. I'm not really sure how to describe it...horror? Relief? A combination of the two? Strange. "Baby daddy?" He looks between us, seeing Liv staring at me with an apology in her eyes, before settling on my face. "He doesn't know does he?"

"No," I say, shaking my head frantically. "You can't tell him either. Please, Tyler." I'm ready to beg if I need to, I can't have Jeremy knowing my secret, I can't let someone else tell him this, not when it needs to be
me
who tells him. And I will tell him but not until I'm ready...not until I know for sure what he's going to do.

Our loud altercation is definitely drawing the attention of the people around us now and I'm now praying Jeremy doesn't look over and see me. Livvie's carrying a shopping bag from a maternity store, something I won't be able to explain away, while Tyler's staring at my stomach with huge eyes. All of the attention and the fighting combined with the food smells have my stomach in knots and once again I feel the churning that signals a need for the bathroom. Holding a hand over my mouth in mortification, I look at Livvie, trying to let her know what's happening. She's quick on the uptake and ushers me over to the closest bathroom where I don't even make it into a stall, bending over a trashcan I lose the little bit of food I managed to choke down this morning while Livvie holds my hair.

Jeremy

"Isn't that SarahBeth?" Melanie asks, looking over to where a small blonde and a brunette are running towards a hallway between stores that leads to restrooms. I jerk around in my seat, trying to look closer and when I see Tyler watching after them, holding a purse and a few shopping bags, I know for sure it's them. At my nod, Mel touches my hand, bringing my gaze back to her earnest one. "Don't you want to go check on her? Make sure she's alright?"

Do I want to? Yes, absolutely. Should I? Well, that's another matter entirely. I look back to the corridor they disappeared through, but don't see them any longer. Just when I'm about to tell her no, I don't want to check on her, Tyler's eyes meet mine and the blatant worry in them has me nodding and heading in his direction. I don't look back to see if Melanie followed me because honestly, all I can think about is what could possibly put that look in Tyler's eyes.

"Is she okay?" It's all I can do to keep my voice level when I reach him and ask the question I need the answer to the most. 

Tyler's looking everywhere but at me when he replies, "Yeah mate, she's fine. You can go back to whatever you were doing now." His voice is hard, it's easy to tell he's not happy at finding me with Mel, but his feelings aren't what worry me now.

Before I can ask any more questions, Olivia and Sarah are walking back in our direction. They both stop in their tracks when they see me standing with Tyler. The moment she notices Melanie standing next to me her already pale skin loses all color and she begins backing up, away from our little group. The hurt in her eyes has me moving towards her before I can even process it. I want to explain myself. When what I'm doing registers, I stop, trying to keep myself in place, but when her eyes fill with tears and they overflow, rolling soundlessly down her cheeks, I melt.

Reaching her, I cup her face in my hands, brushing away the tears as she trembles beneath me. It's the first time I've really touched her since everything went to shit and having my hands on her, having her this close to me, I feel like I've come home. Unable to hide the emotions racing across my face, I let her see just how much I've missed her as her breath catches in her throat. Her eyes are bouncing back and forth between mine in disbelief while the look on her face has me aching to touch my mouth to hers, to pull her into me so I can hold her.

I don't get the chance to do any of that because at the same time a hand touches my back, SarahBeth sucks in a breath and steps back, her eyes brimming with tears even while she glares up at me, betrayal all over her face. I want to explain, to tell her what I'm doing here with Mel, to reassure her that it's not what it seems, but in the back of my head I think this is a good thing. I want her to let go of me, to begin to move on, to find someone that deserves her. Letting her think I've replaced her, no matter how much it hurts us both, is probably for the best.

"Wait SarahBeth," Melanie begins as I step away from her touch. Instead, I grab the hand that was on my back and link our fingers together, this draws both her eyes and SarahBeth's. Mel's looks confused, but SarahBeth's guts me. She stares at our linked hands with an expression that's a cross between fury and despair before swiping her hands across her cheeks to brush away the few falling tears, and meeting my gaze head on. 

Her eyes are sparking with a fire I haven't seen in so long that I'm almost relieved. As she straightens her spine and holds her head high. she turns to Mel and smiles. Just barely tipping the corners of her lips up her smile is clearly fake but there nonetheless, she says, "It's fine really. I'm glad he has someone." Mel starts to speak up, but SarahBeth keeps her eyes on me as Olivia walks up beside her, puts an arm around her shoulder and glares at me. If looks could kill...that girl hates me. She starts to say something in her ear, but Sarah shakes her head. "There's nothing to say. I'm done with this," with that said she scoots out from under Olivia's arm and turns her back on me, this time I'm sure for good, and leaves me to watch
her
walk away from
me
this time.