Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (37 page)

Putting his arm around me, Wyatt pulls me into his side before whispering in my ear, "Are you okay?" I nod, exhausted by the emotional past few days, I cuddle into his side and try to pretend that everything is okay. It's pointless, because I know that nothing is okay, and it feels like nothing ever will be again.

SarahBeth

"R
ight this way, Ms. Pearson," a nurse says as she leads us down the hallway and into a small room with an exam table, and a bathroom at the back of the room. David and Lyric follow me in before the dark haired nurse smiles gently at me and says, "I'll be back shortly. You can change in the bathroom back there; make sure to take off everything. Oh, and please don't use the bathroom." It seems like an odd request, but I nod my agreement before picking up the gown that's laid out on the table and heading into the restroom that's barely big enough to move around in, even for someone as tiny as me.

David's studiously looking away from me when I come back out. The gown tied at the front feels like it will gape open at any moment. Lyric hurries over to help me onto the table and lays the blanket the nurse left over my legs. When the nurse returns, she smiles kindly and introduces herself as Jennifer. She has sparkling blue eyes, dark hair and is about Lyric's height. After she introduces herself to both David and Lyric, she looks between the three of us in question.

"Baby's father?" she finally asks David.

His eyes go wide and his face pales as he shakes his head frantically. "Uh, no. I'm her brother." Lyric's snickering at David's deer-in-the-headlight's look, but she stops when the nurse turns to her.

"And you are?"

"Oh, um, I'm..." she looks between David and I, trying to decide what to say.

Rolling my eyes at the both of them acting like idiots, I tell the nurse, "She's my brother's girlfriend. They're both just here for support."

"Ah, okay." Jennifer nods. "And the father? Where is he?"

David clears his throat, "He doesn't know." Pinning me with a glare, he continues, "Not yet anyway."

"Right." Clearly uncomfortable, the nurse looks back down at the folder on the counter in front of her. "In that case, let's get started."

I start to sigh in relief, but the questions start and most of them are extremely embarrassing. When was my last cycle? Was I using birth control? How many partners have I had? Then the questions about my family and Jeremy's, questions that I'm thankful David knows most of the answers to because I'm so freaked out I can't remember any of them. And, I was only fifteen when my parents died, so I don't know much information about them.

After what seems like a never-ending question and answer session, Jennifer leaves with instructions to wait for the doctor, handing me a bag of what she refers to as goodies for the expecting mom. The three of us look at each other and finally Lyric starts to laugh, then David begins to chuckle, and finally I'm laughing too. This has to be the most uncomfortable appointment of my life and the doctor hasn't even come in yet.

The door opens again, revealing a tall woman with a warm smile. Her hair is a mixture of blonde and brown and her smile reaches her wide brown eyes. She looks around the room before consulting her notes, then offers a hand to David. "I'm Dr. Bailey. You must be the brother?" He shakes her hand with a nod and she greets Lyric before coming over to sit on the stool next to the exam table.

"Hello Sarah," she says with a smile.

I smile back, but it's small. "It's SarahBeth actually."

Dr. Bailey nods, writing it down on the chart before turning back to me. "Well, SarahBeth, I hear you're going to have a baby. Isn't that exciting?" She's still smiling at me when she stops to take a breath, although she doesn't give me a chance to agree or disagree before continuing, "Based on your last cycle, it looks like your little one will be here right around Christmas! What a perfect present!" The woman is entirely too enthusiastic; Lyric is staring at her like she's a loon.

The rest of the visit continues, and at one point David has to leave because him being in the room while the doctor has a hand up my gown is a little more than either of us can handle. Once Dr. Bailey is assured that I am healthy and so is my "little bean", she declares us good to go for another four weeks. I send a quick text to Wyatt and Livvie letting them know we're both good before going out to meet my brother in the waiting room. Lyric stayed behind with me, something I'll always be grateful for, because this experience isn't something I can handle alone right now.

By the end of the most embarrassing doctor's appointment ever we stop for a quick bite before heading home to discuss everything the doctor told us. As soon as we're all inside, Lyric and I head for the den, expecting David to follow right behind us. He stops at the door and watches Lyric go through the bag of "goodies" the doctor's office gave me. His face is still pale and his brows furrowed. When Lyric pulls out a sample of nursing pads, he throws his hands up and walks out of the room saying, I'll be back later. She turns to look at me; one eyebrow raised before we both start laughing. It's laugh or cry at this point, and I'm just simply tired of crying.

Jeremy

"Mr. Meloni?" Tonya's irritating voice, which grates on my nerves, especially after she offered to "distract" me the other day, is coming through the intercom.

Removing my glasses, I tip my head back and rub the bridge of my nose where they were sitting with a sigh. "Yes, Tonya?"

"There's someone here to see you. A...David Pearson. He doesn't have an appointment, but he says it's urgent. Should I send him back?" I jolt straight up in my seat at her words. Why is David here? She's pretty new, so the fact that she doesn't know who he is isn't a surprise, she only knows who SarahBeth is because she came here quite a bit the past few weeks trying to see me. Thinking about the way she looked the last time she was here has me clenching my fists, hating that I hurt her, but before I can say anything else, Tonya's voice comes through again. "Um, Mr. Meloni?"

"Sorry Tonya. Go ahead and send him in." Straightening my tie and the lapels on my suit and running a hand through my hair, I try to look unaffected. David always could read me better than anyone else. I don't need him seeing just how much I'm struggling with all of this because it won't make letting them go any easier. 

The door to my office opens, revealing my very pissed off best friend. He steps inside quickly, stopping briefly to thank Tonya, who's currently undressing him with her eyes. Stupid girl. He doesn't even notice, he's too in love with Lyric to care about the slutty receptionist that is currently banging at least one of the partners here. Clearly insulted he doesn't take her bait; Tonya finally shuts the door, leaving us alone in my office. Sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans, David stands just inside my office looking uncomfortable as he studies me. Determined not to make the first move, I stare back at him but say
ing
nothing, careful not to betray any of my emotions.

"We need to talk," he finally states, his voice still full of anger.

Putting my glasses back on, I raise an eyebrow as he continues to stare at me. "Talk about what?" I ask hesitantly. I'm blowing the,
I don't give a shit
attitude I want to portray because the truth is
,
I do give a shit. The fact that he's here to "talk" has my mind running in a million different directions imagining all the possibilities. "Is Sarah okay?" The only thing I can think of that would bring him here to talk to me is that something has happened to her. My chest tightens at the mere thought of it and my pulse quickens.

"Why do you care?" When I say nothing, continuing to watch him, he finally sighs and his voice softens. "Physically she's fine, but she's not dealing with any of this well. There are things you don't know, things I can't tell you, things she
needs
to tell you." He shakes his head before breaking our eye contact to look out the window behind me, his jaw clenched. "Hell, I don't even know what I'm doing here."

I open my mouth to ask what in God's name he's talking about, because he's really starting to worry me when he cuts his eyes back to me and narrows them, "Do you love her? She thinks you don't." My heart beats painfully in my chest and I want to be angry that she could doubt me that way. In one way or another I've loved her since she was born. It's not something I can just turn off. Fuck, I think it'd be easier to stop breathing than to stop loving her.

I can't tell David that though, she needs a clean break and if I admit to my feelings, he will tell her just to make her feel better. That will put us back at square one, with her trying to work things out; it will just make me hurt her more. I start to say no, but I know I can't lie to him convincingly. Instead, I try for a half-truth and a shrug. "I'll always love her in some way."

"You're so full of shit, Jeremy. You told me not that long ago that I needed to get my head out of my ass because you were coming after her. What's changed?" He's still staring at me intently as though he can see right through me, like he knows all of my secrets. That's probably not far off the truth; he does
n't
know practically all my secrets.

Not wanting to tell him about the visits from my mom, the veiled threats about what she'll do if I don't start "taking care of her for once", I look away. "Nothing's changed. I just don't want to do this anymore."

"You just don't want to do what, exactly? You don't want to be with her, you don't want the responsibility...I just don't get it. You were willing to fucking fight me over her less than a month ago, and now you're just going to let her go without a fight? That's not like you J." His eyes are full of concern now, even though his anger is still easy to see. I wish I could take everything back, I wish I could be the man she needs...but I can't. How do I make him understand that?

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to explain without giving anything away. "Your sister deserves better." Better than a man whose mother didn't even want him, who couldn't be bothered with him. "I love SarahBeth, but I'm not good for her." The only people in my life who've ever shown me love are my grandmother, David and SarahBeth. As much as it hurts, I need to let her move on, I need to let her find the guy that will be able to be there for her. I hate it, but that man isn't me, at least not right now and I'm not going to ask her to wait 'til I am that man. "At least I figured that out before we got too deep, right?"

"Too deep?" David snarls, taking a menacing step towards me. "You have no fucking idea how deep you are my friend." He stops suddenly; looking like he wants to say more, and it takes everything in me not to react. "I'm so fucking tired of the secrets - both yours and my sister's. You need to talk to her, Jeremy. There is shit you need to know." 

I have no idea what he's talking about, but the fact that I'm not the only one keeping a secret has me worried. Even that isn't enough to break my resolve though; I know I need to stay away from her...before I make everything worse. "I can't, David. I'm sorry, I really wish things could be different..." I trail off at the furious look in his eyes, watching him stalk towards me. I know he's going to hit me, and fuck do I deserve it. I deserve anything he wants to throw at me.

"You're a god damn moron, Jeremy Meloni. Do you not realize that girl fucking
loves
you?" David's so pissed right now
that
he's shaking, his hands balled into fists at his sides like it's taking everything he has to keep from punching me.

Hating that I'm doing this to her and knowing how much I wish things could be different, my emotions rush to the surface and I say the thing I didn't want to tell him. "I love your sister more than my fucking life!" Wishing I could take it back, I watch his eyes widen as he takes a step back.

"If you love her so much, why are you pushing her away?"

This time, I'm the one who looks away, not wanting him to see the conflict on my face. "I can't answer that David. Just know that if I told you why you'd understand. Hell, you'd help me." My voice sounds as defeated as I feel now. I'm so tired of this fight, of explaining myself to the Pearson siblings. Why won't they just let it be? Telling David that my mom is causing problems again, owes money she can't pay back, is getting high and showing up at all hours of the day and night would get his attention. But I don't want to drag him into my screwed up family either. The last thing SarahBeth needs is a boyfriend that not only can't protect her, but one that brings chaos and dysfunction into her life.