Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (35 page)

"Oh honey, come here," she murmurs, pulling me to her and hugging me tightly. Lyric rocks back and forth as much as she can in my tiny car, stroking my hair and muttering soothing words as I cry on her shoulder. Finally, she pulls back to study me. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head furiously; talking about what happened is the last thing I want. The feelings are still too raw. I'm not sure I ever want to talk about it. She nods understandingly, "Okay. Just wanna go home then?"

"Please," I whisper, wanting nothing more than the comfort of my bed. We don't speak the rest of the way to the house, and when we get inside I go straight upstairs, wanting to avoid seeing my brother, not even sure he's here. Lying down, it doesn't take long before I'm asleep, but I don't sleep well. At one point, I wake up to low voices just outside my bedroom door; my brother wants to check on me while Lyric tells him to let me be. 

My eyes are too heavy to stay awake for long, and the next time I wake, David's sitting in my desk chair, his head in his hands. I don't want to talk to him; I don't want to tell him what happened today, because I know he'll go after Jeremy and that will only make things worse. For the life of me, I don't know why I'm bothering to protect him after he broke my heart today, but I don't want him to be hurt. I also don't want my brother to end up in jail. Shutting my eyes, I try to keep my breathing deep until I fall back to sleep.

Jeremy

She didn't even look back as she left. Hurting her kills me and as soon as the door clicks shut softly behind her, I pick up the picture that sits on my desk. It's a picture of us taken two years ago when we went to Asheville to visit her grandparents. It was during her freshman year spring break - before everything really started to change between us. Well, before we started acting on it anyway. It's one of those pictures they take of people walking through the Biltmore House, in the middle of an indoor garden. She planned the whole thing, knowing how much I love architecture; she surprised me with a trip to that architectural wonder. When they told us to stand together for the photo, she ducked under my arm, putting a hand on my chest and looking up at me with stars in her eyes. Even the photographer thought we were a couple, and said we looked like honeymooners. At the time, it made me uncomfortable, but now, after seeing the look on her face when I told her we couldn't be together, the memory of how she
used
to see me fucking kills me.

Before I even think about it, the frame is sailing across the room, crashing into the wall, shattering the glass. I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my desk I take deep breaths, trying to forget the pain I'm putting her through. She doesn't deserve any of this; she doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. SarahBeth could do so much better than me. I hope she sees that now.

What the fuck was her brother thinking? Why would he talk about what I said when she was there to hear it? Her knowing my original intent just makes this harder on her. If I'd known, maybe I would have handled things differently.

There's a small tap on the door before Tonya, the secretary at the front desk, pokes her head in, her eyes widening when she sees the frame and glass covering the floor. "Mr. Meloni?" she asks almost timidly.

"What is it Tonya? I asked not to be disturbed." My voice is flat, completely devoid of emotion. Dealing with people isn't what I want to be doing right now; I just want to wallow in my self-imposed misery.

She doesn't take the hint, choosing instead to open the door wide enough for her slim body to walk through before closing it quietly behind her. Tipping her head to the side, Tonya looks at me for a moment before taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of my desk, crossing her legs in a way that causes her skirt to move up, showing even more of her thighs. "Is everything okay? I saw that girl leave a few minutes ago and she looked pretty upset." Her smile is a little too smug about the fact that SarahBeth was in pain when she left which makes me want to throttle her.

Sitting back in my chair, I feign nonchalance. "Everything's fine, just a misunderstanding with an ex. I'm sure you know how that is." The words are hard to say, but I don't want Tonya to know how much what she said has bothered me. "I have a lot to do this afternoon though, so you should probably get back to manning the front desk." Tonya stands, grinning at me a little too seductively.

"Well, I'll leave you to it. If you need a... distraction, let me know." She winks, pulling her skirt down and straightening her shirt in a way that makes it impossible not to look at her chest. I try not to be obvious, but she grins widely when she notices. "See you later!" 

The rest of the day passes in a blur; I can't think of anything but the look on SaraBeth's face before she left. The text I get from David doesn't help matters.

If I weren't taking care of my sister, I'd be kicking your ass right now. What happened to you coming back for her and me needing to get my shit together? You have no idea what you just lost.

He's wrong. I know
exactly
what I lost; or more precisely what I threw away and it killed me to do it. 

SarahBeth

T
he next morning, and I use that term loosely since it's noon, my eyes are still puffy, heavy and hard to open. Getting out of my bed is the last thing I want to do, but I also know that lying here wallowing in sadness and what could have been is only going to hurt more, and it will only mean that Jeremy's rejection has broken me. Maybe, but I don't want anyone to know, I don't want to be pitied.

Dragging myself out of bed, I take a long, scalding hot shower, I stand under the water as long as I can before I get dressed and head down to face my brother and Lyric. The only person in the kitchen is Lyric who's working on her laptop; her head pops up when she hears me walk down the stairs.

"Morning!" she greets me, sounding entirely too chipper. Seeing my still puffy eyes, she deflates a little. "How are you this morning? Wanna talk about it?"

I shrug, not really sure how I'm doing or what I'm feeling. I'm still a little raw after yesterday's events, and more than a little confused.

"You're going to have to talk about it eventually you know," Lyric tells me. "What happened yesterday? You were a mess. Did you talk to Jeremy?" Her questions come fast and her eyes are full of concern. Talking about what happened yesterday is only going to bring it all back, the pain, the heartache, and the
humiliation
.

Taking a deep breath, I tell her everything. I tell her how worried I was that he wouldn't even see me, but there he was. How he took me back to his office and effectively broke my heart into teeny, tiny little pieces, telling me that we hurt too many people and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I even tell her how I heard him throw something at the wall after I walked out. By the time I'm done, my face is streaked with tears and my chest feels tight. "So basically, I've screwed
everything
up. I can't even blame him for not wanting anything to do with me. I don't want anything to do with me either..." I'm cut off by Lyric who's suddenly next to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into her embrace.

"Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry --"

I pull away from her; I don't want comfort from her of all people. She's one of the people I hurt the most and having her comfort
me
only makes the guilt worse. "Please don't. I don't deserve your sympathy." Looking up at her, I see how confused she is at the catch in my voice. "How do you not hate me?" My voice is barely a whisper because I'm terrified of her answer.

Lyric sighs, "It's really hard to hate you when you're in so much pain, SarahBeth. When I first came back I didn't like you much, but right now...? The things you're dealing with...? They are so much bigger than what you did to hurt me. Plus, your brother really needs me right now. He's not sure what to do with you or how to make things better for you." 

She's really so much nicer than she should be and much nicer than
I
would be for sure. I'll be honest; I really thought she was kind of a pushover at first. I mean, she did let me cause trouble; she let me manipulate her into keeping my secrets. But right now she's the only person I can talk to about what's going on. "Before I forget, I called and set up an appointment for you with a doctor. It's next Tuesday." She looks uncertain suddenly, asking, "Do you want to ask Jeremy to go? I know he's being an ass right now, but it is his baby too."

Now it's time for me to be embarrassed. "I didn't tell him."

"What?!" Lyric shrieks. "Why? I thought that was what you were going to do yesterday? You
have
to tell him Sarah. He deserves to know he's going to be a father."

Folding my arms on top of the bar, I drop my head down onto them and groan. My voice is muffled and barely discernible when I say, "I
know
. I just wanted to see how he felt about
me
before I said anything." Lifting my head, I look at her, my eyes full of tears and
begging
silently for her to understand. "I meant it when I said I wanted Jeremy to want me for
me
and not just because I'm having his baby. Then, everything went to hell and I panicked. I'll tell him after the appointment."

Lyric studies me with narrowed eyes for a few moments before finally nodding. "Okay. But you
can't
keep this from him forever. SarahBeth please remember, keeping secrets is what led to the trouble we just went through and is probably what ruined your relationship with Jeremy. The longer you keep this from him, the worse the fallout is going to be. Think about that, alright?"

I'm saved from anything else Lyric might want to say because Livvie walks in the back door, completely oblivious to any conversation we might be having. Shooting a wide-eyed look at Lyric, I hope she doesn't say anything about pregnancy or telling Jeremy. Livvie's friends with Tyler and she can't keep her mouth shut.

"Hey SB," Livvie says as she bounces over to hug me. She's usually this happy-go-lucky person that rubs off on me. Not right now though, I've got too much on my mind. Forcing a smile, I tell her "hi" as she releases me, leaning back to study my face. "How ya doing, babe? You look like shit."

"Thanks," I say sarcastically. 

Bumping my shoulder with hers, she grins, "Hey, if your bestie can't tell you, you look like crap, who can?"

"I'm okay, just tired."

Liv lets it go, attributing my pale face and the dark circles under my eyes to Jeremy and everything that's happened recently. "All right, well, I'm going to meet Emmett for lunch. Wanna come? I texted you earlier, but I guess you never saw it."

"Go have some fun, SarahBeth; get your mind off everything for a while." Lyric is practically pushing me out the door. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not grateful for the excuse not to continue our conversation from before, so I let Livvie drag me out to her little convertible, a present from her dad for actually passing junior year.