Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (17 page)

We're currently lying on my bed watching
The Walking Dead
on Netflix and why I let him talk me into this is beyond me. I hate, hate,
hate
horror movies or anything with lots of blood and gore. So, basically that means Wyatt's watching the show while I have my eyes squeezed shut and his hand over my eyes while trying to cover my ears with my own hands. It's a very awkward position and he thinks it's hilarious.

Wyatt plays with my hair while he watches the show and I wish that I could feel something...anything... for him other than friendship. It's a thought I've had more than once since New Years Eve, but unfortunately, you can't choose who you're attracted to.

"Alright SB, you can look." I can hear the laughter in his voice, muffled as it is by my hands and I'm sure he's full of shit but I open my eyes when he removes his hand. As soon as I see the TV, a zombie takes a huge bite out of someone and I screech like someone's trying to kill
me
. Wyatt starts to laugh and I yell at him, pummeling his chest with my fists.

He grabs my wrists, pushing me down onto my back before holding both of them in one hand and tickling me with the other. I'm squirming, laughing and begging for mercy when my door flies open and Jeremy is standing just inside my room. He's glaring at Wyatt, who immediately lets go of me.

"What the fuck is going on?" Jeremy looks like he's ready to attack Wyatt and I jump up, putting myself between them.

Wyatt responds before I can think of anything to say. "Nothing man, we were just watching TV." His explanation doesn't calm Jeremy down a bit.

"Just watching TV huh? If you were just watching TV, why was she begging you to stop?" Jeremy is vibrating with rage, but he hasn't even acknowledged me. He's kept his eyes on Wyatt this whole time.

"Jeremy!" I know I need to get his attention before he goes after my friend. "We weren't doing anything and Wyatt wasn't hurting me. We were watching a scary show and he was laughing at me for being grossed out. That's all. I promise!" Jeremy finally looks over at me, breaking his stare down with Wyatt.

His whole body relaxes when he sees I'm not upset, but his eyes harden when Wyatt drops an arm around my shoulders and pulls me in to him. "You're sure?" he asks me, ignoring Wyatt now.

"
Yes
," I stress the word, hoping he'll let this go. I didn't even realize anyone was home but me. It's just after lunch, and I thought for sure he wouldn't be home until much later. Not that I mind flaunting Wyatt in front of him, I just didn't want there to be a fight. I wanted him to be jealous, not pissed off.

Jeremy studies me closely, trying to see if I'm telling the truth or protecting Wyatt who looks decidedly uncomfortable right now. Finally, Jeremy backs down, the look in his eyes not one I'm used to, and I can't quite figure out what the emotion is. "Alright," he says. "I'll leave you to it then." Turning, he walks out, shutting the door quietly behind him. I'm not sure what just happened, but I feel like I need to talk to him. When I look over at Wyatt, he sighs before nodding for me to go. I love that he knows what I'm thinking before I even have to ask.

Opening the door, I see Jeremy going down the steps that lead to the kitchen, the ones closest to his bedroom downstairs and I rush after him. I make so much noise running down the stairs that there's no way he can't hear me, but he doesn't turn around, if anything he moves faster.

"Jeremy!" I call, trying not to yell in case my brother is home somewhere and I don't want him to be part of this conversation. Jeremy still doesn't turn around and I barely make it to his door before he starts to shut it. I dart inside, leaning back against the door to push it closed and he's staring at me wide-eyed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he says slowly, looking everywhere but at me.

Narrowing my eyes at him, I cross my arms over my chest and since I'm still breathing heavier from running after him, it pushes my chest out further than normal. Jeremy's eyes land there for just a second before he raises them back to mine. "I call bs. Something's wrong." He smiles a little at me saying bs instead of bullshit, but my brother scolds me every time I curse so I'm trying not to, at least around them. I hate being scolded like I'm a kid.

"Seriously Sarah, I'm fine." Jeremy lets out a long-suffering sigh and I know for sure something is wrong. He doesn't call me Little Bit anymore, hasn't since New Year's, but he always calls me SB. I don't think he's used my actual name...ever. Okay, that's an exaggeration but I mean really!

I begin tapping my foot in annoyance. "Jeremy Michael Meloni, out with it. What's going on? You know I'm not leaving until you fess up so you might as well tell me now. I can be very annoying if need be." One corner of his mouth tips up at my words and I want to grin up at him, happy that we're bantering back and forth, even just a little bit. Our relationship has been so strained for the past six months that even this bit of teasing and taunting soothes places I didn't even know
needed
to be soothed.

"Tell me about it," he mutters, running a hand back through his hair and giving me a sardonic look. I don't say anything else, continuing to tap my foot in irritation. Irritation that I'm rally not even feeling anymore. "Fine," he huffs. "If I tell you will you stop bugging the shit out of me?" I nod, so fast I'm surprised I don't get whiplash. He gestures for me to sit on the end of his bed before turning the chair at his computer desk around and sitting so that he's facing me. I pull my legs up so they're curled beneath me and begin picking at his bedspread while I wait for him to talk.

Jeremy

This isn't the kind of shit I like to talk about, even if SarahBeth and David know the majority of what went on with my mom and my aunt and uncle. SarahBeth actually probably knows more than Dave does because she's been spending time with my Nonna, but it's still not fun to talk about. And, it bugs me that she can detect so easily that something's bothering me. She's always been able to read me better than anyone else.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I try to figure out where to start. "I saw my mom this morning."

Her mouth drops open at my words. She starts opening and closing her mouth like she's trying to figure out what to say, but she comes up with nothing. I know the feeling. Finally, she says, "You saw your
mom
?" I nod, and she shakes her head like she's trying to clear it. "But,
why
? I mean, what happened?" She's trying to play it down, but I know she's shocked. Believe me, I know exactly how she feels. That's how I felt this morning when my aunt called.

"Constance," I stop, trying to gather my thoughts. I refuse to refer to her as Aunt Constance because while she technically raised me, she didn't do it because she wanted to and she let me know at every opportunity that raising her sister's bastard was
not
what she wanted to do with her life. She's an angry, bitter woman. "Constance called me at work this morning and said I was needed at "home". At first I thought something had happened to you or Dave, but she quickly told me
her
home. When I got there, mom was there causing all sorts of problems."

SarahBeth looks stricken, maybe even a little shell-shocked at what I'm telling her. "What did she want?" she breathers, her voice almost inaudible as she continues to play with my comforter, not really paying attention to what she's doing with her hands.

"Same thing she always wants from anyone. Money, a place to stay, someone to take care of her now that her latest boyfriend has tossed her out. The only thing she ever wants from me." I laugh, but it's not a real laugh, there's no humor in it. "Do you know what I hate the most?" SarahBeth just stares, wide-eyed at me, waiting for me to continue. "I hate that every time the latest guy leaves, she remembers she has a son. And, I hate even more that when I tell her no, I won't pay her rent or give her cash, she says "isn't it time for someone to take care of me". I mean, really? I'm supposed to take care of her...this woman who couldn't pull her head out of her own ass when I was born to take care of me? Instead, she foisted me off on her sister who made my life hell when none of it was my fault." I don't notice her moving until her slim arms are wrapped around my neck and she's sitting in my lap with her face buried in my shirt. Instinctively, I wrap my own arms around her, closing my eyes at the feeling. She always feels so...
right
when I'm holding her. Like this is where I belong.

She speaks, but her head in my chest muffles her words. "I'm so sorry, Jer! I wish they'd stop letting her come around. She doesn't deserve you, she doesn't deserve to even
know
you."

"Shh, pretty girl," I try to comfort her, taking comfort from her too. This right here, this is what I've been missing. Talking to her, having her in my arms, all of it. Ever since the morning after New Year's Eve, I've regretted pushing her away, but I was just too messed up over what happened that night. I needed to step back and get some perspective. Lifting a hand, I use it to stroke her blonde hair while I tighten my hold on her with the other, enjoying the feeling of having her in my arms again. We sit here like this, neither of us talking for a much shorter time than I would like, but eventually she lifts her head, moving out of my embrace.

SarahBeth wipes her eyes, the sincere emotion in them tugging at my heartstrings, before she stands, moving away from me and walking over to the door. "I should probably get back to Wyatt...I'm sure he's wondering what happened to me."

I nod, but I don't really understand why she's leaving so suddenly. We were finally connecting again, and now she's running away from me. It makes me realize just how much I've fucked up during the past few months. She gives me a little wave and a sad smile before shutting the door behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I realize she no longer trusts me, she has Wyatt to be her go to now and that fucks with my head. I've always been the person she runs to, or at least I was until New Year's Eve. I'm now figuring out just how much I fucked up by overreacting that night, but there's no way I can make anything better if she won't talk to me. I guess this is my punishment, the fact that she won't stick around longer than she has to, that I can see the fear in her eyes whenever I open my mouth.

I have to figure out a way to get her back because I refuse to let Wyatt have what's mine. Make no mistake about it, she is
mine
. I just need to get my shit straight and deal with my mom, my aunt and my uncle because they're toxic and the last people she needs to be around. Then, I can talk to David and make him understand that I'm in love with her, that I have been for a long time, and that no one would take better care of her than me.

SarahBeth

J
eremy does not get along with his family, not that he doesn't have good reason, and if he knew I was here to see his grandmother, he'd probably be pissed. His grandma is a sweet lady, and I know he loves her. It's just hard for him to be in his aunt and uncle's house. He's never considered it to be his home, even though he grew up here. His grandmother moved in a few years ago, not long after my parents died, and I really like her.

Knocking on the back door, I wait for it to open. When it does, Jeremy's grandmother smiles at me. She's just a little shorter than me, with wispy white hair and the same blue eyes that Jeremy has. "Hi Mrs. Meloni!" I say brightly before giving her a brief hug.

"Hello cara. Come in, come in!" She gestures for me to walk past her into the kitchen and I look around in awe the way I do whenever I come over. Unlike Jeremy's Aunt Constance, his grandmother Lucia is warm, loving and more relaxed than either of my grandmothers ever are. The kitchen is a lot like her, which makes sense because whenever I've been here, that's where we spend the majority of our time. Since the disaster that was Thanksgiving a few years ago, she's been teaching me how to cook, and how to make some of Jeremy's favorite foods. She swears by the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and she's told me on more than one occasion that I'm perfect for her grandson. Now, if only he felt the same way!