Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (7 page)

Jeremy shakes his head, "No, sorry, I should have said something before but I guess I just forgot." He shrugs, oblivious to my pain as he walks past me kissing the top of my head. "I'll be back in a few hours," he calls out just before closing the front door and leaving me alone with my misery as I turn back around, and stare blankly at the TV screen.

I'm still sitting on the couch an hour and a half later with my knees curled up to my chest and my head resting on my arms stacked on top when the front door slams shut. My phone has been going off almost nonstop for the last thirty minutes but I haven't moved from my position, afraid I'll break apart if I do.

"
SarahBeth
!" Jeremy shouts as he runs up the stairs. I hear doors banging open as he continues to yell my name more frantically before coming down the back stairs closer to where I'm sitting in the den. "Goddammit SarahBeth," he growls when he sees me. "Why didn't you say something? I was hollering for you." His voice is accusatory and I can feel his angry gaze on me.

I still say nothing, prompting him to come stand in front of me. Jeremy waits for me to acknowledge him and when I don't he deflates with a sigh before sitting on the edge of the coffee table in front of me. A hand on either side of my face, he pulls my head up so I have no choice but to meet his concerned sapphire eyes.

"You didn't tell me that David bailed on dinner, why not?" he asks, and even though his voice is soft, I know he's not so much asking a question as demanding an answer.

"What would have been the point?" I respond quietly, not wanting him to know how much it hurt that they
both
abandoned me tonight. I've come to expect it from my brother, but not from him.

Squeezing his eyes shut Jeremy says nothing at first, but the pained look on his face says much more that words ever could. He knows exactly what I didn't voice. "You should have told me," he states in a stronger voice, one that brooks no argument.

I laugh, but it's bitter, much more bitter than any seventeen-year-old should be. "Why?" I demand, my voice rising. "Why should I have told you that my brother bailed on dinner once again? So you could spoil your date while you either fed me, or while I tagged along on your date so that you didn't have to feel guilty for leaving me by myself?"

At first, Jeremy just stares at me, then suddenly, he jumps up from the coffee table and storms out of the room. My mouth drops open and I watch him walk away from me unsure of what is going through his mind. My phone chimes again and this time I pick it up.

Is Jeremy home now? Did you eat? Why didn't you say anything to him? Dammit SarahBeth, why didn't you tell me he was leaving?

I swear I'll never understand them.
They
left
me
alone, not the other way around, so why are they mad at me? Feeling like I'm wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders I head up to bed. After the night's events I'm not even hungry. I just want to be left alone. Ironic huh? Two hours before I was near to tears because I was by myself, but now, as I make my way upstairs, it's the only thing in the world I want.

The next awful "
throw a girl in SB's face
" moment didn't come for several months, enough time that I didn't think it would ever happen again. But no, it happened and that time it was even worse than the first time. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without my parents was awful, but the second Christmas was ten times worse.

My mom was an interior designer, and an awesome one at that, so she
loved
holidays. The decorating, the crafts, not to mention the normal "mom things" like baking cookies and Santa visits. Our whole house looked like the North Pole exploded inside it starting two days after Thanksgiving because, let's be honest, who actually decorates instead of going shopping? Two words - Black Friday! That was her other favorite "holiday", well aside from Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween or any other excuse to decorate.

Mom and Dad were also big on Christmas Eve service at church. I couldn't bear to go the first year, I was still too angry at everything that happened and I just didn't see the point. I ended up not going the second year thanks to Jeremy and his "date".

After spending weeks begging both my brother and Jeremy to go to the service with me, they finally relented. I was nervous about going back without my parents because it was pretty much the only time we went and it was a special thing for us. Livvie and I went shopping for a new Christmas dress, because no way was I taking Jeremy dress shopping with me again, and I was ready.

David and Amy had long since split up and between the bar and trying to find time for me, he didn't really have time for a girlfriend so I knew he would be going alone. Jeremy hadn't brought up dating since the debacle of the ruined dinner, even though I knew he'd been going out, no matter how hard he tried to hide it. After spending the day in my room wrapping presents and then getting ready, I practically ran down the stairs to wait for them to be ready to go too. It wasn't often that I was the first person ready.

Walking down the stairs a few minutes after I did and adjusting his cufflinks so they were in the "perfect" spot, David smiled at me before kissing my cheek. "You look beautiful baby sister."

Flushing, I looked down at my red and green dress. It came down to a few inches above my knees and was cherry red with an emerald green band around the middle. I wore dark green heels with it along with a few pieces of the jewelry that mom left me. David looked handsome in a grey suit and green tie that matched my dress almost perfectly. And we weren't even trying!

"Where's Jeremy?" I asked, confused as to why he wasn't out here yet.

Turning to go check on him, I only made it a few steps away before David grabbed my arm. "He's not here." David said gently.

"What? Where is he?" My voice was frantic. Jeremy
promised
he'd come with us tonight, how could he not be there?

David looked uncomfortable, like the last thing he wanted to do was tell me. "He went to pick up Melanie. She's coming with us tonight."

"Melanie? Who the heck is Melanie?" I didn't even realize I asked that out loud until David answers me, "Um, they've been dating for about a month." Jeremy had a girlfriend? Why didn't I know? He never told me and I didn't understand why. Why he had a girlfriend, and why he didn't say anything. He should have
prepared
me for this.

The only thing I could do was act like it didn't bother me, and for a seventeen-year-old girl, that's almost impossible. Avoiding David's questioning stare, I tried to say in a normal voice, "Oh, well that's... nice. Have you met her?"

"Yes," David replied, drawing out the word. "He's brought her into Drench a few times. She's really nice, I think you'll like her."

Nodding absently, I wandered into the den to sit down before I fell. My chest was aching, a feeling I was not unfamiliar with. Jeremy only made us wait about ten minutes before he was there with her. Resolving that I would be nice no matter how much I hated her, I stayed where I was as they walked in and greeted David. After spending a few minutes making small talk, Jeremy came into the den to sit beside me.

"Hey Little Bit," he said, nudging me with his shoulder as he smiled down at me.

I mumbled, "Hey." Having a conversation with him right now was not at the top of my list. I was still too upset with him for bringing a date to Christmas Eve service. This was supposed to be something just for family, but now he'd brought an outsider along. The worst part was, if it had been David, I wouldn't have batted an eye. It was the fact that it was
Jeremy
, the guy I was pretty sure I was at least halfway in love with that bothered me so much.

Tipping my chin up, Jeremy forced me to look up at him. His eyes were concerned as he searched my face, looking for whatever was wrong. "You okay?" he asked hesitantly.

"Couldn't be better." My sarcasm was obvious and his brows furrowed as he continued to study me intently. Uncomfortable with his scrutiny, I stood, "Are you ready to go? We don't want to be late."

I turned, wanting to get as far away from him as I could, at least until we got to the church and I'd have to be close to him, but he grabbed my arm and turned me around. "Hey, what's wrong?" He was looking at me intently, like he was trying to figure out all of my secrets.

Tired of playing this game with him, of keeping my feelings to myself, I glared up at him. "You're what's wrong," I hissed. "Tonight was supposed to be just you, David and me. I
hate
you Jeremy." With that parting shot, I ran upstairs to my room, locked my door before flinging myself facedown on my bed and letting the tears flow free. This was supposed to be a happier Christmas, but instead it was just as bad as the last one. It felt like Jeremy
betrayed
me and I was so hurt, I never wanted to speak to him again.

Jeremy spent almost fifteen minutes banging on my door, trying to get me to open it before he finally retreated back to the living room. I spent the rest of the night holed up in my room, but when I crept over to my door quietly, dying for something to drink, I found a piece of paper with Jeremy's distinctive writing had been slid under my door.

I'm sorry

That was the only thing it said. No explanations, no excuses, just "I'm sorry", like that made everything better. Shaking my head, I balled the paper up in my fist, crumpled it and tossed it in the trashcan beside my desk before shutting the door quietly behind me. I was not ready to forgive him yet.

I decided that night that I was going to get over Jeremy Meloni. No more pining after him and trying to make him notice me, no more inventing ways to spend time alone with him. As soon as the new year started I began rebelling against my feelings for him, telling myself that it was just a crush, a meaningless infatuation. Dating became my new mission in life because if Jeremy could go out, dammit so could I!

SarahBeth

G
raduation. I've been waiting for this day since I started high school but it's bittersweet since my parents aren't here to celebrate with me. Even having both sets of grandparents, who got here last night, along with David, Jeremy and Olivia's family doesn't make up for the fact that they won't be here. This is just the first of many milestones my parents won't get to share with me. They don't get to see me graduate, my dad doesn't get to walk me down the aisle, my mom won't be there to help guide me when I have my first child. Standing here in front of my mirror, I'm confronted with everything I lost two years ago in a way I never had been before.

I was supposed to have this perfect life. I had loving parents, an awesome big brother, the best friend a person could ask for and everything I could ever want. Now, I'm the girl who lost her parents, my awesome older brother spends all his time working, and I have Livvie, who is still the best friend anyone could hope to have. I also have Jeremy who's become a huge part of my life since the accident. He'll never be as big a part as I want him to because I want him to be the biggest part. If my dad were to walk me down the aisle, I'd want Jeremy to be the guy waiting at the end but I know it will never happen. He sees me as just the pain-in-the-butt little sister of his friend.

A knock on my bedroom door interrupts my thoughts and without waiting for a response, my gran walks inside smiling warmly at me. "Hey hon," she says, taking a quick glance at my outfit. "Are you ready to go yet?" Her tone isn't exactly disapproving, but I know what I have on is a little too "grown up" for her.

Livvie helped me pick out what I'm wearing under my graduation gown. It's supposed to be warm and graduation is happening at two in the afternoon so I don't want to be sweating while we are standing outside getting our diplomas. The outfit actually looks a little adult schoolgirl, but not in a trampy way. I'm wearing a white button-down fitted shirt and a pink and black tie-dye skirt that is short even on my petite frame. Livvie let me borrow a pair of her black peep-toe heels, which add about four inches to my height and I'm leaving my wavy blonde hair down so that it frames my face.