Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (3 page)

I didn't even think of it like that, I've been too focused on how to best protect her from it even though there's no way to do that.

SarahBeth

I
t's not even eleven and I'm watching the clock, waiting for the day to end because Mama promised she'd be back in time to pick me up from school. I really wish I was sixteen already, but I still have almost a month before my birthday. I
hate
having to wait for someone to come pick me up, or bum a ride with Livvie all the time.

While I'm daydreaming about school being over, the intercom crackles loudly before the office secretary's voice booms into the room. "Miss Browning?"

My English teacher rolls her eyes and says with a sigh, "Yes Mrs. Pennington?"

"Can you send SarahBeth Pearson to the office please."

At the mention of my name, the class turns into kindergartners, a chorus of "oohs", snickers and "SB's in trouble". Ugh, that nickname. I hate that nickname! Miss Browning says she'll send me right down before motioning me towards the door. Gathering up my belongings, I squeeze down the aisle to go see what's going on. I've never been called to the office before; I'm usually the last person to ever get in trouble, unlike Livvie. Oh shit... Surely they don't think I helped her.

Putting a hand on my arm, Miss Browning tells me that our homework is just to read the next three chapters in
Places in the Heart
by the next class. Nodding, I head out of the room and down the stairs to the office. By the time I walk inside, my heart is racing and my palms are sweating. I don't see Livvie anywhere, so maybe this isn't about her. Mrs. Pennington is speaking to someone on the phone so I walk over to wait for directions. Looking up, she smiles gently at me before holding up a finger to signal that she's almost done.

Before she can end the call, Mr. Parish comes down the hallway to meet me; his face full of what looks like pity. His pity combined with the look on Mrs. Pennington's face has me worried. What is going on? Gesturing in the direction of his office he lets me go first. The hallway isn't very long, but by this point, it feels like I'm walking to an execution; my breath is speeding up, my arms are covered in goose bumps that have nothing to do with the late February chill and I have to rub my palms on the legs of my jeans to rid myself of the clammy sweat that feels like it's dripping off of them. It's so gross.

Reaching around me, Mr. Parish pushes open his door so I can go in front of him, but he doesn't enter behind me. I look back at him, but he only gives me a sad smile before closing the door. When I turn back around, a huge grin spreads across my face as I see my brother and then Jeremy sitting in the office.

"
DAVID
!" I squeal like a little girl, so excited to see them both here I don't even question at first why they're here, at my school, so early in the day. Without waiting to make sure he'll catch me, I launch myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck and squeezing him tight. His arms wrap around me and he hugs me gently which sets off alarms in my head. It's been awhile since I've seen him, but he always hugs me tight. Pulling back, I drop my arms and frown up at him. "What are you doing here? You weren't supposed to be here until my birthday."

Running a hand through his hair, David clears his throat before meeting my gaze. "Come over here and sit down SB. There's something I need to tell you." Between the tremor in his voice, the unshed tears in his eyes, and his reluctance to look me in the eye I'm terrified. Shaking my head, I back away from him, knowing that whatever he's going to tell me isn't something I want to hear.

I've completely forgotten that Jeremy's here until he grasps my arm, pulling me down to his lap. He begins rubbing my back with one hand trying to both comfort and calm me. "What's wrong? What happened David? Why are you here?" My voice is frantic, trembling with my fear.

David closes his eyes tightly before blurting out, "Sarah, there was an accident last night." I know it's serious if he isn't calling me SarahBeth or SB. I'm starting to realize what's happened now, but it's still a shock when he says, "Mom and Dad were on their way to Atlanta and Dad took a curve too fast." David takes a shuddering breath, and his next words are almost inaudible. "They're gone."

Jeremy stiffens underneath me, shooting a glare at my older brother, obviously unhappy with the way he told me. Shaking my head frantically, I begin to mutter, "Nononononononono." I can't even begin to process his words. This morning, my life was perfect with the exception of not being sixteen, and now he's telling me that I'm an orphan? My parents are dead? I am suddenly so
angry
, and it comes out in my voice when I yell, "Don't say that David! That's not funny and It's not true!"

"Baby, he's not kidding. We got the call late last night and drove straight here." Jeremy murmurs in my ear while rocking me in his arms. The dam breaks, and I turn my face to his chest, gripping his shirt as I begin to sob. Jeremy's cheek is resting on the top of my head as he whispers soothing words while rubbing my back. This can't be happening to me. My parents? How did this become my life?

A hand touches my shoulder, and looking back, I see David's red-rimmed eyes that look so much like our father's and mine looking back at me. He's crouching on the floor in front of Jeremy and with a choked sob I launch myself at him. He tries to keep his balance, but falls to a sitting position with me in his lap when I wrap my arms around him and clutch him tight. His arms hold me close as he begins to rock side to side, murmuring how sorry he is to have to tell me but that he's going to take care of me. We sit on the floor, my brother and I, as we mourn the loss of our parents and life as we knew it.

"Hey Little Bit. You need to get up." Jeremy's voice is soft as he strokes my hair, brushing it away from my face as he speaks. For just a minute, I'm able to pretend that yesterday's events were just a dream, but reality intrudes quickly. If it wasn't real, Jeremy wouldn't be here right now waking me up. Turning my face into my pillows, I cry softly when I remember my parents are dead.

Keeping my covers in place, he gently scoots me over so that he can lie down beside me, placing his head on my pillow next to mine and turning my face so that we're face-to-face. "Shh SB, please don't cry. I can take a lot of things, but you crying isn't one of them." My smile is watery, but still there. I've missed David and Jeremy, and while the reason they're here
sucks
, I'm glad I'm not alone. Standing up, Jeremy holds out a hand to help me out of bed. I fell asleep in the clothes I wore to school yesterday which makes me feel dirty and self-conscious, but his gaze never moves from my face. "C'mon kid. Your grandparents will be here soon." Putting his hands on my shoulders, he turns me around before pushing me towards my bathroom. "Get a move on it lazy butt."

The fact that he's treating me like he always did makes me feel a little better. Soon, everyone would be treating me differently; I'd be the girl who lost her parents, the girl who had to deal with death. I'd read enough books to know what that was going to be like so him treating me like I was still normal helped make the whole ordeal a little less tragic, at least to my almost-sixteen-year-old self.

Once I'd taken the quickest shower known to teenage girls ever, I dressed in the only black clothes I could find. Black is for mourning right? So, I put on black skinny jeans with a black and grey striped long sleeve henley, and black sneakers. The only color I had is my wavy blonde hair, but I didn't do anything with it. I couldn't be bothered. I was nervous about how things were going to go when my grandparents get there. I vaguely remembered being in the room when David called them after picking me up from school and bringing me back to the house, but pretty much everything after the words "they're gone" was a blur.

Walking down the upstairs hall of our home, I avoid the pictures on the walls. If I look at the pictures of my parents, my brother and I, I'll lose it completely. I'm sure down the road they'll be comforting, but right now they're just a reminder of everything I've lost in the last 24 hours. When I get downstairs, Jeremy and David are nowhere to be found. The kitchen and den are both empty, but I can hear someone talking, it sounds like David, and it's coming from my dad's study.

I reach the door, but when I hear the anger in David's voice I hesitate. It might make me an evil person, but I don't know much about my brother's life back in Charlotte, so after looking around to make sure Jeremy's not close by, I lean close to listen to his conversation.

"Dammit Amy, I already told you I was sorry for not calling you yesterday. Forgive me for having to identify my parents' bodies, tell my baby sister that they were never coming home, break the news to my grandparents, and start the process of planning their fucking funeral!" By the end of his tirade David's yelling so I no longer have to press up against the door to hear everything he's saying word for word. There's a short pause while she responds, before he snaps back, "Goddammit, what would you have me do? Let someone else tell her for me? Would it have been better for me to let my grandparents do all of this? I don't know what the
fuck
you expect from me here."

His voice is caustic, and it frightens me a little. I've never heard him speak to anyone this way, and who's Amy? Is she upset that he came to be with me? She must be his girlfriend. There are so many questions swirling around in my head right now, I can't even begin to make sense of it all. David's conversation turns even more heated, and I start to feel skeevy for listening in. I definitely don't want to go into my dad's office, I know I'll smell his cologne and that's just another thing I don't feel strong enough to handle. As I back away, I hear the front door close and Jeremy calls my name. David's voice cuts off abruptly and I know I need to get out of here before I'm caught. Walking as quickly and quietly as I can, I head for Jeremy's voice, which is moving closer to the kitchen now. Concentrating so much on the sound of my footsteps while listening for my brother behind me I don't notice Jeremy's in front of me until I run into him.

"Oof." Jeremy's breath leaves him in a whoosh as he reaches out to steady me before I fall on my butt.

Mortified, I stammer, "Sorry! Ohmigosh I'm so sorry!" Flushing all the way to the roots of my hair, I attempt to disentangle myself from him and end up falling on my rear end anyway. Before I can dwell on
that
, David walks into the kitchen with a "don't even ask" look on his face. Jeremy reaches down to pull me up as he gives him a questioning look, but my brother just shakes his head with a quick look at me. "Um, do y'all need me to leave so you can talk?" Obviously, he doesn't want to talk about whatever it is in front of me, and since I Can't exactly tell him I already heard at least part of what's going on, I'm acting like a brat.

"Don't be stupid," David says, narrowing his eyes. "I just don't want to talk about it." Reaching into the bag Jeremy brought in, he takes out a biscuit and walks back towards dad's office.

My eyes fill with tears at his dismissal. I already feel alone and now my brother's pushing me away too. With a sigh, Jeremy pulls me into his arms, "It'll be okay Sarah Beth, I promise."

"It won't be okay. Nothing will ever be okay again, Jeremy!" Struggling to push him away, my voice keeps rising. "You and David won't be here forever. Once you leave, I'll be all alone. What's going to happen to me?" My voice breaks and I collapse against him weeping pitifully. I don't know how I even have any tears left to cry after the last 24 hours.

Jeremy places a finger under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. He's so much taller than I am that I have to tip my head all the way back to meet his gaze. "You'll never be alone Little Bit. We'll always be here for you. Concentrate on getting through the next few days okay? Let David worry about the rest." I'm still clinging to him when the doorbell sounds; my grandparents are here to help us bury their children.