Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (12 page)

"Yes, well, that was a mistake." She flinches at my hard tone and I hate that I'm hurting both of them tonight, but there isn't any other way. SarahBeth can't be mine; not matter how much I want her to be, and the sooner she realizes that, the better off we'll both be.

Her voice is soft and trembles slightly when she asks, "You don't really mean that, do you?"

"SarahBeth," I begin, a lump suddenly forms in my throat. The words I need to say are difficult to force over it. "I told you last night that I was sorry." I'm trying to keep my voice gentle, but I'm so angry with myself that it comes across clearly in my words. "
Nothing
like that can ever happen like that again. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a few things I still need to go over for your brother's renovation plans." It makes me the biggest fucking dickhead ever, but I walk away from her,
again
. As I move past her, I hear her breath hitch and it takes everything in me to keep from taking it all back.

The further away I get, the more I feel like a complete jerk. She didn't ask for any of this, she never did anything to deserve me treating her like an inconvenience. I'm pissed because I feel things for her that I can't control, no matter how hard I try. Instead of acting like a grown man, I'm acting like a sullen teenager and taking it out on her. Turning back to look at her I see she's standing right where I left her, her shoulders shaking softly as she tries to cry silently.

My feet carry me quickly back to her and I pull her into my arms...arms that were holding Melanie just minutes ago. I'm such a fucking idiot. I keep pushing her way with one hand while pulling her closer with the other, that has to be confusing to her. She comes to me willingly, and the way she clutches my shirt in her tiny fist isn't much different from the way Mel did earlier. The difference is the way I feel about her clinging to me. Mel clutching me while she cried made me feel uncomfortable; SB holding onto me like I'm her lifeline makes me feel protective. I don't want anyone else to touch her, don't want anyone else but me to be her hero even though I'm fully aware how completely screwed up this whole situation is.

SarahBeth only lets me hold her for a few minutes before she sniffs and lets go. Stepping away, she wipes the tears from her cheeks and stiffens her spine. "You don't have the right to hold me Jeremy. You run so hot and cold and I'm
tired of it
." Shaking her head slightly, she looks at me with eyes full of both sorrow and recrimination. "I can't do this anymore. I won't let you break my heart anymore." My own heart sinks at the determination on her face. This time, she's the one walking away from me, and aside from professing my feelings for her, there's nothing I can do to stop her.

SarahBeth

"Y
ou're not going to some random bar to party on New Year's Eve, SarahBeth. You forget, I own a bar," he says raising both his hands outward...we're having this conversation in his office at Drench. "I know how people act on this particular holiday and I'm not going to spend my night worrying about you." My brother crosses his arms over his chest, leaning back in his office chair and glaring at me. "Not to mention, you have to be 21 to get into Karma and you won't be twenty for a few more months."

Stomping my foot, I scowl at him. "Are you kidding me? David, I just want to go hang out with my friends! You can't keep me home like a little kid all the time." I don't even mention the age thing. I have a fake ID, not that I ever use it for anything, but I don't need to draw attention to it.

"If you're going to act like a child Sarah Elizabeth, I'm going to treat you like one," David says as he stands, putting his hands on his desk and leaning over so that he's in my face. "You're not going to Karma, even if I have to make Jeremy spend his night babysitting you."

"
Babysit me
?!? I'm almost twenty years old David. I don't need a babysitter. Stop acting like my father. I already had one of those and it wasn't
you
." David flinches at my hurtful words and I wish I could take them back. "I...I...--"

David cuts me off, "You're right. You did have a father, and he's not here anymore so it's up to me to protect you. I'm sorry if that makes you mad or upsets you, but you're all I have left and I'll be
damned
if I'm going to let anything happen to you."

Feeling like the child he just accused me of acting like, I can do nothing but nod. "Alright. I won't go."

Relaxing slightly, my big brother sighs, "Why don't you and your friends just come here tonight instead? That way, you guys can go out, but I'll know you're safe." It's obvious he doesn't really like that idea either, but at least he's willing to give me some sort of compromise, especially after what I just said.

Running around his desk, I wrap my arms around his waist. "Thank you," I whisper. "I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."

He hugs me back, kissing the top of my head. "I know you didn't. And, you're welcome. Please try to remember that I'm not trying to keep you in a bubble, I just don't want anything to happen to you." Tipping my head up, his eyes are sincere when he says; "It would kill me if something happened to you SB."

"I know. I'll do better, I promise."

Releasing me, David makes a "shoo" motion with his hands. "Good. Now, get out of here. Some of us have to work, you know."

Laughing, I leave his office and head out into the bar. It's early afternoon, and there aren't many people here. I come to a complete stop when I see Jeremy sitting at the bar, glasses on and going over what looks like building plans. Things have been strained between us since last summer when he kissed me, then immediately regretted it. We've both been walking on eggshells ever since, being careful not to be alone together and aside from the morning after, never mentioning what happened that night.

I was mortified when Jeremy backed away from me, looking like he'd realized he had made a huge mistake. The look on his face had torn me to shreds. I'd just been given everything I ever wanted. Jeremy had
kissed
me! Not only had his mouth been on mine, but he'd kissed me in a way no one else ever had.

Unfortunately I was witness to the end of his relationship with Melanie, the very next day. It was gut wrenching and embarrassing. She accused me of being part of the problem and implied I had something to do with their break up. I didn't like him dating her, but I was horrified that I walked in on that whole scene and then became part of it.

Hoping I can make it out of the bar without being seen, I wait for Jeremy to look back down at the renovation plans before making my way over to the door. Just when I think I made it, one of the bartenders shouts my name. Jerking his head up, Jeremy's eyes meet mine and I'm frozen. We continue to stare at one another until Nate says my name again, finally breaking the connection between us.

"Hey SarahBeth, how are you?" He stands in front of me, resting his hand on the doorjamb beside my head and leaning in close. I'm used to his flirting, it's harmless because he knows that David would kill him if he so much as thinks about touching me. Nate is cute, but I'm not attracted to him at all. He's a bit of a player, and I try to stay away from those guys. That doesn't mean I can't use him to make Jeremy see that I'm not pining over him anymore though.

I look up at him, smiling brightly as I say, "I'm good Nate, how are you?" Ugh, I hate small talk. It's always so uncomfortable, and I usually feel like I'm struggling for something to say.

"I'm alright, just here to pick up my check. You here begging David to let you work here again?" he asks with a smile, looking down at me. He's here often, so unfortunately he's heard quite a few of the arguments David and I have had. I'm legally an adult, but my overprotective brother still acts like I'm the sixteen year old he didn't have time for. It really irritates me because he had no problem leaving Jeremy to look after me before while he did his own thing, yet now that I'm old enough to live on my own, he treats me like a child.

I can feel Jeremy's eyes burning a hole in the back of my head the longer I stand here talking to Nate and maybe it's twisted, but I get a huge amount of satisfaction in knowing that he doesn't want me talking to anyone with a penis. "Nah," I say with a shake of my head, "I know he'll give in eventually. Plus, not working gives me more time for fun stuff." Studiously ignoring Jeremy and his obvious irritation, I let my gaze travel up Nate's body until our eyes meet. His eyes widen at my perusal, obviously not sure where this is going since usually I blow him off, and leaning in, I put a hand on his arm and attempt to sound more interested than I actually am, "Are you going to be here tonight for New Years?" I feel like a complete idiot, I'm definitely no sex kitten, but Nate is definitely flustered as he swallows audibly.

"Uh..." he clears his throat, "No, um, I'm off tonight, so a bunch of us are going to Karma for the party they're having tonight. You gonna be there?" he asks hopefully while staring directly at my chest. Ugh, I hope this works, that it makes Jeremy as jealous as seeing him with Melanie made me because right now, yeah, all I want to do is bitch Nate out for being a typical guy.

Pushing down the irritation I still feel at not being able to go anywhere but Drench, and the fact that Nate's staring at my chest instead of meeting my eyes, I shake my head and start to tell him, "No, I think --" before Jeremy cuts me off.

"No, she won't be going to Karma. She's not old enough." Jeremy's voice is cold and I can feel the tension radiating off of him as he stands behind me, glaring at Nate.

I hold up a hand to silence Jeremy before turning back to Nate. "As I was saying, I think we're just going to hang out here." The fact that Jeremy would interrupt me and answer for me both irritates and embarrasses me. He makes it seem like I'm a kid who needs someone to speak for me and that isn't the case at all - my god, he's the one who kissed me like he wanted to fuck me! My face is flaming as I tell Nate goodbye before scurrying out the door, hoping to avoid Jeremy and anything else he might have to say. I have to convince Olivia and the rest of our friends to spend the night here at my brothers' bar instead of a trendy nightclub, so I don't have time to argue with him about his inconsistencies.

I walk into the bar and someone shouts "Hey SB!" and it makes me want to scream. Or maybe punch Jeremy and my brother. They're the ones that started that stupid nickname. I get nicknames, really. AJ? Sure, makes sense. CJ? DJ? All fine. BJ, which must be every guy's favorite nickname and DD could be awkward for a girl, but they still at least make sense. But, SB? I just don't get it. I've been SB to my brother and his friends as long as I can remember, and no matter how hard I try to get other people to call me SarahBeth, it only works until they hang around awhile. Then, they're calling me SB too.

After I'm done having my inner temper tantrum, I look around to see who is calling my name. There are three tables pushed together in the most crowded part of the bar and seated there are my friends Jessica, Ella, Lily and Emily, along with their boyfriends. I don't know where Livvie went, but I know she'll show up here soon. Making my way through the throng of bodies on the dance floor, I head towards my friends. Ella and Emily, pretty dark-haired twins that I met in a design class at school last year stand when I get to them, each giving me a quick hug.

"You're late," Ella murmurs before backing away.

Shrugging, I reply, "Yeah, I know. Livvie took forever getting ready."

Emily laughs, "Of course she did. Livvie's late for everything!"

"Hey!" Livvie's voice comes from behind me, and when I turn, she's standing with one hand on her hip smirking at us. "This kind of beauty," she starts, running her hand down her side, "takes time."

Coming up beside her, Livvie's boyfriend Emmett laughs as he wraps an arm around her waist before kissing her cheek, "Baby, your kind of beauty is effortless." Livvie turns to grin up at him, and my heart squeezes. That, right there. That's what I want. I want a guy that will say things like that to me. A guy that sees only me. Livvie and Emmett have been dating off and on for years, and even though Olivia ends things with him every few months, Emmett adores her. I've never understood why she treats him the way she does.