Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (40 page)

I should be angry, but I can't dispute what he's saying. I can't imagine what will happen if Jeremy finds out from someone other than me that I'm having a baby...that I'm having his baby. Tyler's right...he won't ever forgive me for that. Our relationship will never be fixed and things will be even more strained than they are now. I nod to let him know I understand and get in the car, waiting for him to say goodbye to Livvie. I know my time is limited and that I need to figure out where I go from here.

Livvie gets into the car, her breathing heavier than it was before and her lips swollen. Lifting trembling fingers to her mouth, she turns to see me watching her and says, "What?"

"Nothing, just ready when you are." I don't know what's going on between the two of them, but then, I've never really understood their relationship. Arguing with my friend about her behavior isn't something I want to get into after everything else that's happened today. And honestly I'm the last person to lecture someone about their choices, so I sit back in the seat and stare out the passenger window, trying desperately to forget that my baby's father is back with his old girlfriend.

By the time Livvie pulls into my driveway, I'm drained, disillusioned and disheartened...along with probably every other word that starts with "dis" and ready to just crawl under my covers and hide from my new reality. A reality that doesn't include Jeremy, but does include his baby...our baby. Fuck. My. Life. Fuck it upside down and sideways. That's about how I feel right now.

Putting the car in park and pulling out her key, Livvie turns so that she's facing me, hitting the door locks in the process, which has me staring over at her a little scared. "Okay, seriously SarahBeth, I know your life isn't where you want it to be, but it's time to stop wallowing and pick yourself up. I'm sorry sweetie, I know it sucks, but this woe-is-me attitude you've got going on needs to stop. So, the guy you love doesn't want you and you're going to be raising his baby by yourself. Who cares?" Uh...I do? That's what I want to say to her, but she keeps talking, leaving me no choice but to wait for her to say her peace. "Jeremy's a dick; we know that, you need to accept it and move on. It's not all about you anymore, and I'm sorry, but you need to think about her...or him...," she points at my stomach and I instinctively look down, covering the spot she's pointing to with one hand, "before you think about yourself."

I don't respond at first, too busy considering what she's said. She's got a point; I am spending too much time worrying about Jeremy and our relationship -- or lack of one -- instead of devoting my time and energy to figuring out how I'm going to do the mom thing. This is one of those times that having my mom here with me would be helpful. I feel lost, like I have no direction and no idea what to do. Lyric's been really great since we found out, but she's not
family
. I guess I could always call one of my grandmother's, but they'll just be so disappointed in me for getting myself into this predicament; plus they'll blame Jeremy for everything when it was just as much my fault as his.

Livvie's staring at me, chewing on a fingernail as she waits for me to respond, and I know she's trying to figure out if I'm going to burst into tears or tear her a new one. My shoulders slump as I watch my friend worry about me, knowing that she really does only want what's best for me, no matter how self-absorbed she can be. Getting up on my knees, I reach over the console in her car and wrap my arms around her neck to hug her tightly. "Thank you, Liv. I really don't deserve you," I whisper in her ear as her arms slide around my waist and she lets out a relieved breath.

When we pull apart, her eyes are glistening, but she's smiling now. "I love you bestie. I'll always be here to kick your ass when you need it!" Laughing now, we both get out of the car and head inside to find David and Lyric making out in the kitchen. We laugh harder as we come to a stop and watch them break apart quickly, Lyric's face flushing bright red while David just looks embarrassed.

"Hey girls," Lyric says, straightening her shirt and pulling down her shorts while avoiding meeting our eyes. "Did you have fun at the mall?"

Livvie snorts, "Not as much fun as you guys did apparently."

"Livvie!" David barks, trying to sound mad, but the smile tipping the corners of his mouth belies his voice. He studies me for a minute before saying, "You look almost happy."

I shrug, "I've just decided to stop being pathetic and whiny. Jeremy's moving on, and I need to do the same. I have a baby to think about now, I can't afford to cry all the time. There's too much I have to do to get ready for this."

David's eyes widen, but I'm not sure if it's because of what I said about Jeremy, or the change in my attitude. Not giving him a chance to ask questions, I grab Livvie's arm and pull her behind me up the stairs to my room.

"Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes," Lyric shouts up at us. "Is Livvie staying?"

Just before we enter my room, Liv shouts back, "Sure, I'll stay. We'll be down in a bit!" She shuts the door behind her and says, "They seem happy. I bet if you didn't want to keep the baby, you could give it to them." Then she asks, "didn't you say Lyric had a miscarriage before?"

Sitting down on the edge of my bed, I gape at her, shocked she would even suggest that. "I'm not giving up my baby, Livvie. Not to my brother or anyone else." Regardless of what happens with Jeremy and I, this baby is mine, half him and half me. For that reason alone I'll love this little one more than I've ever loved anyone else. I'll always have a part of Jeremy with me now.

She leans up against my door, putting her hands up in front of her as she attempts to placate me. "Okay, okay. Jeez, it was just a suggestion. But, now you know that you don't want to give her up, right?" Livvie smiles at me innocently, like that was her plan all along.

"I already knew that, Liv," I say, rolling my eyes and turning away from her as she crosses the room to sit beside me, handing me the bag from the maternity store, along with a bag from one of the baby shops. Since I already know what shirt's inside the one bag, I open the other and can't stop the tears that immediately start falling. Unlike most of my tears, these are happy. She bought a tiny long-sleeved shirt with snaps that says "Luv U Mommy". It's adorable, and just what I needed after today. We sit side-by-side on the bed as I trace the letters on the shirt, still marveling over the fact that by the end of this year, I'm going to be someone's mommy. Holding this itty bitty shirt in my hands is tangible proof. It brings everything into focus for me as I imagine what he or she will look like; will the baby have blonde hair like me, or will it be dark like Jeremy's, will it grow up tall or be as short as I am. The options are endless and I can't wait to find out the answers.

Jeremy

I
'm staying far away from Drench tonight, choosing to drown my misery at a dive bar still fairly close to downtown. My only interest tonight is in getting completely fucking plastered because the thoughts running through my head are unbearable. I keep seeing the look on Sarah's face when she saw me with Melanie and it just fucking guts me.

The bar I've chosen is still close to downtown, but far enough away that I shouldn't run into anyone I know. Tonight is about drinking away all the pain, and the bullshit going on with my drug-addict of a mother. When I walk inside, it's packed, the lights are dim and there's a band I've never heard of on stage. Bypassing the few empty tables close to the door, I head straight for an empty barstool that doesn't have people crowding around it.

Taking a seat, I raise my hand to signal the bartender and when he comes over, wiping his hands on a towel, I mutter, "Bring me a shot of Knob Creek." He nods, gets out a glass and pours my drink before he sits it down in front of me. I tip my head back and take it immediately, wincing from the sharp burn it leaves behind. Jack is usually my drink of choice, but tonight, tonight I want the pain that drinking Knob Creek brings. Slamming the drink back down on the counter, I motion for him to fill it up once more, and by the third drink the burn isn't as sharp and he's watching me closely. 

Pouring another shot, he sits the bottle of bourbon on the bar next to it and says, "I'll just leave the bottle." He walks to the other end of the bar to hand out beers and shots to other customers and leaves me alone with my bottle and glass.

I'm not sure how much time passes or how much I've had to drink, but my vision is fuzzy and I'm definitely feeling no pain. The bourbon's going down too easy for me to be anything close to sober when a hand lands on my forearm, and a woman's voice says, "Jeremy?"

"What?" I ask belligerently, not even turning to see who it is. I know by the voice that it's not the one person I
do
want to see so anyone else is inconsequential. 

The hand on my arm doesn't move, but her other lands on my back as she leans in to speak loudly in my ear, "I haven't seen you in a long time...where have you been stranger?" Her voice comes out as a purr, impressive considering how loud it is in this room. It sounds vaguely familiar, but I'm drunk enough that I can't place it without turning to see who she is.

My eyes widen, at least I think they do, when I can finally focus enough to see her clearly. The long blonde hair, fake ass tits and eyes turned violet thanks to contacts is enough to tell me exactly who she is. "
Candy
," I groan inwardly because the last time I saw her was a long fucking time ago. She hasn't even crossed my mind since that last time; when I crawled out of her bed more than a year ago, leaving while she was still asleep so I didn't have to do the morning after "I'm not going to call" routine. It made me a complete dick, but my intention that night was never to go home with her and I really don't want to make that mistake again.

"Well," she drawls, "you
do
remember my name." Like I could forget, I hate the stupid nickname she goes by. "I wasn't sure you would considering the fact that you snuck out of my house without even saying goodbye." She pouts, thinking it's attractive I'm sure, but it's not. It's just fucking irritating. 

I shrug, unable to think of an excuse for leaving that morning that isn't going to make me sound like a complete ass, because it was a dick move. I just didn't want to deal with her ass, not much different from how I feel right now. Ignoring my silence, Candace sits on the stool beside me someone just vacated, calling the bartender over and ordering her own drink. "Do you need another?" she asks sweetly.

"No." My voice is gravelly thanks to the bourbon and the emotions still coursing through me. Gripping the bottle that's almost half-empty, I slide it closer to me and attempt to pour another shot without spilling it on the counter. 

Her hand wraps around mine, her red-tipped nails digging into my fingers as she helps me steady the bottle. "Damn handsome, do I even want to know why you're so intent on getting wasted tonight?"

"None of your goddamn business," I snarl, dragging the bottle away from her and turning to face the other direction. I just want to drink in peace...is that too much to ask? Thankfully, she doesn't reply, doesn't touch me, doesn't attempt to bring my attention back to her, and after a few more drinks I forget she's even sitting beside me. I have no interest in Candace, no interest in anyone but SarahBeth.

Picking up my phone, I attempt a text, even though it's hard to see the tiny letters on my screen with eyes blurry from the amount of alcohol I've consumed.

Mias u

I slam my phone back down on the bar, waiting for her to reply, even though it's several minutes before my phone beeps to signal a new message.

Huh?

I have to read the message I sent three times before I realize I misspelled the word.
Shit
. Holding the hand with the phone close to my face I try once more, still unable to get it right. The letters are just too small or my fingers are just too big; either way it's not working.

"What are you doing?"
Fucking hell
. I thought she'd given up, but no...
Candy
is still sitting beside me, watching me try to send the text on my phone. Damn, her voice is grating on my nerves.