Everything to Lose (12 page)

Zoe
Tampin settled down to read. She was about two-thirds of the way through James Paterson's 'Kill Alex Cross'. She liked the Alex Cross books because she could always imagine Morgan Freeman as Alex Cross and in her mind she could hear Morgan Freeman's voice speaking for Alex Cross.

While
reading she was thinking it was good Shawlens had opened-up a bit. She was having good conversations with him and each time she gained a little more of what he was like as a person. She watched him retreat into his shell and could only guess what he was going through.

The
loss of Emma Patersun would haunt him forever. She knew not to try and snap him out too early. Alan Cairn had warned her not to try. She nearly fell into it over the coffee. She came to within a hair's breadth of telling him it was no surprise to her he was still single. She hoped this backfire might help him toward some semblance of a normal life or at least one that the Lambeth Group could work with.

Before
she returned all of her attention to her book she glanced at him and thought,
if
I'm
honest
and
that
happened
to
my
sweetheart
,
I'd
be
in
the
boat
with
you
Shawlens
.

19

Cosham
,
Hampshire

The flat was dark and quiet and it was past two a.m. when Gavin Shawlens woke from one of his nightmares. The gentle tapping of rain on the window told him what the weather was like outside. He went to bed around ten-thirty and left Zoe reading her book.

For
once he wasn't terrified and woke without an accompanying scream. He looked at the silhouette around the window curtains and saw it was still dark outside. Then he looked at the time on his bedside clock it was 02.14 a.m.

Wearily
he threw back the covers and dragged himself out of bed. He ran his hand through his hair blinked hard a few times to bring focus to his eyes. He had that odd night-time feeling of not really needing to pee but feeling that if he didn't go he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

Still
half asleep he dragged his feet as he walked through the living room. He saw Zoe Tampin on the settee sitting in darkness. Her head bend down, her knees pulled up to her chin, her arms around her legs.

"Go
back to sleep Shawlens," she said and he heard emotional strain in her voice.

He
padded over to the armchair opposite her, sat down and switched on the table lamp. She covered her eyes from the light but he saw water tracks down her cheeks. The room had cooled and he felt the coldness in the air. He felt the cold leather on the armchair through his pyjama bottoms.

"Go
back to bed," she pleaded and it seemed to him her voice was about to break.

"What's
happened?"

"It's
nothing to do with you or this job. Please go back to bed."

He
got up onto his feet and went to the bathroom. When he left the bathroom he went to his room and fetched a tartan throw. He put it over her shoulders and said.

"Nothing
is never nothing. We're a team."

Slowly
she moved her hands from her eyes. They were red from crying and she had used a hand towel to wipe the tears. The rough cotton irritated her eyes. He stood confused and stared at the floor. He tried to think of something funny to cheer her up but couldn't think of anything. He eased down into the cold armchair.

"Tell
me what's happened, please Zoe."

"It's
just one of my lads from the Regiment. Martin, he's dead."

"I'm
sorry. How did it happen?"

"He
hanged himself last night."

"Was
he still serving?"

"No
he came out seven months ago. I knew he wasn't coping. I saw the zone."

"The
zone?"

"The
dead zone behind the eyes."

"Isn't
there supposed to be help available for ex-soldiers?"

Zoe told Gavin that Martin was just one of thousands of homeless ex-service people. Brave people homeless because the same politicians so keen to open the door to harm's way are so adamant about closing the door when help is needed to get back into Civvy street.

"He
got support from the charities. They're overstretched and he felt guilty adding to their burden. These brave souls are discarded like spent shells so it's not surprising some of them become suicidal."

"Why
was he homeless?"

"Ex-service have less priority than asylum seekers for housing in this country. If it's possible to make housing available to asylum seekers it should be possible to make it available to ex-soldiers," she demanded.

"That
is so unfair," he said.

"Service
doesn't pay well so junior ranks can't afford to buy. Service overseas means that you can't register on a local authority list for council accommodation. Thousands are sleeping rough and if you don't have a house it's difficult to get a job. You have to turn to charities and despite their genuine best help you feel you are denying others."

"That's
a wrong that needs to be righted."

"People
don't know that when you come out of the Service you leave your comrades behind. Many land on Civvy Street with few friends or a social network to help with a job. Martin started as a seventeen-year-old kid and came out fourteen years later with only an Army life experience. It's like he'd been in jail for too long and didn't know how to slot back into society. Martin just couldn't get grounded."

"How
did you find out?"

"He
sent me a text;
Goodbye
boss
thanks
for
everything
. I alerted the police and they found him dead."

"How
do you feel about that?"

He
meant how she felt about politicians pushing him into harm's way then falling short when he needed their help.

"I
trained him to deal with discipline, combat, teamwork and survival. Together we scorched our fingertips on the same blazing hot sands. I taught him how to kill a man in seconds. I didn't see this taking him down. I didn't prepare him well enough."

"Was
he suffering from post-traumatic stress?"

"Dealing
with the horror is hard. It's difficult to get the images out of your head. Both of us tried to save a soldier who lost his legs to an IED. The training to deal with flashbacks does help. It did help me."

"Don't
the veteran's charities help with post-traumatic stress?"

"He
refused to go back."

"Why?"
Gavin sounded confused.

"My
fault. I drilled him to have pride in his country, his regiment, his unit, his mates, his appearance and his service. Then when he needed help he couldn't ask because he was too proud."

"I
guess there's no pride admitting you have mental illness."

"Exactly
if only he had a leg wound he would have been first in line to see the MO. It's as good as a medal. Mental wounds need more care than flesh wounds. The paymasters don't want to know."

"I
can understand him not visiting veteran's charities. He would worry that people saw him as a sponger taking charity money meant for war disabled and bereaved families."

"I
hoped he would pull through. Sad but it's done now, move on. It's what he wanted to do. It's what I have to do now."

"I'm
very sorry. I know you care deeply about your people."

"Thanks
for this little chat Gavin. I'm good. Now come on, back to bed. We both have lots to do tomorrow."

20

Seminar
Room
C233

The third of Gavin's tutorials with group E didn't run as well as his first tutorial. This time the students were uncooperative with Fran Ottobondi leading the disturbance. Gavin was left in no doubt they were annoyed because he was rigid about a five week deadline for their assignment.

Gavin
decided to cut his losses and finish the tutorial early but it wasn't early enough for Laraine McSwann. She descended into a nervous panic when she realised she would be very late collecting her daughter Jessica from School. Gavin saw her panic and offered to run her to the School to collect Jessica.

In
Gavin's car Laraine told him Fran planned to disrupt all the remaining tutorials and had threatened the others to follow her lead. Laraine warned Gavin that no one in the tutorial group would complete their essays. She said Fran had told them if they all score zero marks, then to avoid losing face as a poor lecturer, she said Gavin would give them pass marks. Gavin listened carefully. He'd never experienced this before and struggled to think how to deal with it. He promised not to say that Laraine had told him of Fran's plan.

When
they drove up to the School gates they saw a few stragglers milling around the School entrance. Laraine ran inside and found Jessica still in the playground playing hop scotch on her own. When Gavin saw Jessica McSwann he fetched his niece Kirsty's booster seat from the boot. Jessica was just six but big for her age. When Laraine and Jessica came out of the School Gavin said he would run them home.

"Jess
this is Dr Shawlens."

"Hello
Jessica I'm Gavin. How was school today?" Gavin asked as she threw her schoolbag and coat onto the rear seat and climbed onto the booster seat.

"Good,"
Jess said.

After
he clicked the rear seat belt into place Jessica caught his hand in her hand and held it for a moment.

"Nice
tart. Lemon I like you," she said with a big smile.

"Jess.
Stop it," her mother barked from the front seat.

"It's
okay," Gavin said to her mother as he drove off.

Laraine
gave Gavin step by step directions to her house in Stansted Road, Southsea. He also entered her post code in the car satnav so he would be able to find his way back by pressing the return button.

"Mum,
I like mister lemon tart."

"The
doctor says you will grow out of it, didn't he Jess," Laraine said as she turned her head around to give her daughter a reprimanding look.

"This
baby's not a happy meringue. Not like Elvis," Jess said as she ran her hand over the rear upholstery.

"Elvis
was our car before it was repossessed. You'll need to forgive Jess. She has a temporary psychological disability."

"I
understand."

"She
gets things mixed up but the doctor says it will go away by itself."

"Jess
who is mister lemon tart?" Gavin asked and checked on Jess in the rear view mirror.

"It's
you, you taste of lemon tart cakes," she said and giggled loudly.

"JESS,"
her mother screeched.

"Laraine,
it's alright."

"Sorry,"
Laraine said.

"Jess,
are you sure I'm not a fresh warm pancake?"

"Not
pancake. You're a crumbly cup tart with bright yellow lemon, delicious," Jess replied.

"Dr
Shawlens please don't encourage her."

While
they waited at traffic lights Gavin switched on the CD player and moved through the list of tracks to find the one he wanted then selected play.

"Bear
with me Laraine. Jess what do you feel about this music?"

He
played the track for thirty seconds and he watched her in the rear-view mirror. Jess liked it.

"It's
light blue like the sky. A sky made of warm water. I can draw my fingers through it and make ripples in the sky. I like it."

Gavin
Shawlens selected another track and allowed it to play for a minute.

"Jess
what do you think of this one?"

"Oh
it's a dark silver box. It's cold, it makes me shiver. I see pointy icicles hanging from the box. If I listen more I'll need to put on my coat."

"Jess
will you please behave ..."

"Laraine,
Jess is just like my sister Siobhan. When she kisses me she can smell newly made pancakes and freshly cut lemons. When my sister hears that last track she sees and feels a winter evening with snow on the trees that make her shiver with cold."

"Your
sister has Jess's curse?" she said as they drew up outside Laraine's house.

"Laraine,
it's not a curse. If anything it's a gift."

"Do
you have time for a coffee?" Laraine asked.

Laraine's
home was a terraced house with two bedrooms, two reception rooms, no front garden and on-street parking. Her neighbour on the right had painted her wall white. Laraine's wall was painted beige and her neighbour on the left had her wall magnolia. Gavin looked down the street and thought it would be a perfect advert for a pastel paint company.

Gavin
followed Laraine and Jess through their front door and into the hall. Inside the house the hall was damp from the clothes drying slowly on two clothes horses. As he passed the living room he looked inside and saw her furniture was covered with papers, toys, books and all manner of bits and pieces. A jigsaw lay unfinished on the laminate floor near the TV.

Gavin
followed Laraine through to the kitchen. He moved a pile of children's books from a chair in the dining kitchen. He saw the glass in the kitchen door was cracked, and the doorframe was damaged. Jess ran up the steep staircase to her room to change out of her school uniform. Laraine made coffee and called up to Jess to ask if she wanted juice. Jess said she wanted her usual juice and a biscuit.

"Sorry
about the clutter and the washing. There's never enough time with Uni and everything."

"It's
okay my flat is the same but without the kid's stuff."

"Did
your sister have psychological treatment for her problem?"

"Who
told you it was a psychological problem?"

"My
doctor said it's temporary and she'll grow out of it in time."

"Your
doctor is way off target," Gavin said.

"Well
he's in his seventies. He's a nice man but he should've retired years ago."

"Jess
doesn't have a curse or a psychological problem. She has a gift that's very special."

"How
special?" Jess asked as she stood in the doorframe with her school homework book and a pencil in hand.

Gavin
kneeled down to her height so their faces were at the same level. Jess smiled and he smiled back. She had changed into pink leggings, a white One Direction t-shirt showing a picture of the band, and Chipmunk grey rabbit slippers.

"My
sister Siobhan has your gift. Everyone tells her she's special but some people don't understand why she's special. Sometimes they get jealous and cause trouble."

"My
best friend Alyssa only likes me when I don't tell her any funny business."

Gavin
looked up at Laraine with a queried expression.

"That's
what Jess and I call her feelings."

"Well
Jess I know you're special and when you grow up like my big sister you will be a very special lady."

"Okay.
By the way mum and dad are on a break. You can stay for a while if you like."

"Homework,"
Laraine said and Jess disappeared into the living room.

"Smart
cookie."

"You're
good with kids Dr Shawlens. Do you have some of your own?"

"No
but some people might tell you I haven't grown up yet."

"How
did your sister cope with school?"

"Good
and bad times. You're right to have her keep her feelings secret. Kids can be cruel about things they don't understand. Best to help her keep it secret until she is well into her teens."

"I'm
worried for her, she's so isolated, I think she's going to turn into a version of Wednesday Addams."

"I
was in love with Wednesday Addams. Doo-dida-doo, doo-dida-doo, click, click!" He said and tried to mimic the Addams Family jingle.

She
smiled as she remembered the Addams Family.

"So
she won't grow out of it?"

"Some
try to suppress or ignore it. Some make great use of it to become creative artists. Fighting it will cause frustration and anger."

"We've
had that. Her dad tried to focus her mind on normal behaviour. But it's too strong. I wish I could understand how her mind works."

"It's
not difficult," Gavin said.

"We
consulted a Harley Street doctor and he recommended a series of tests to prepare her for medical therapy. He said he would cure Jess but he wanted sixteen thousand pounds. That's way over our heads."

"There
isn't a cure because there isn't defect."

"I
don't understand," Laraine said.

"People
have five basic senses; smell, taste, touch, hearing and vision. For people like you and I they work individually."

"Okay."

"People like Jess and Siobhan have six, seven or eight senses because their basic five can also work in pairs, sometimes in threes. Sight and sound often work together. Touch and taste often work together."

"So
when she touched you she could taste a lemon tart."

"As
strong a taste as the real thing. When she listened to the first track the sound stimulated a blue sky in her mind's eye and the touch receptors in her hand felt warm water running through her fingers as if it was real. Sound, sight and touch worked together as one."

"Oh
my God that must be so wonderful," Laraine gushed emotionally.

"Dr
Shawlens thank you. It means so much for me to understand how she feels. I knew in my heart she wasn't mad or trying to cause trouble. Oh God the rows we've had over that," she confessed.

Gavin
Shawlens raised his eyebrows and looked concerned.

"Not
with Jess, with my husband Bob. That stupid doctor told us it would wear off so Bob was determined to get it out of her head before she started school. We've had an awful time. If only I had known this. I could have ..., I could have helped Jess keep her secret," she said and tears ran down her face.

"It's
called synaesthesia. Jess's brain gives her additional sensory information, an extra perception of the world. I don't have it but my sister can run her hand over a piece of glass and say it has a smell of wet rhododendrons."

"People
told us she's mad. I thought the worst."

"Be
thankful we're not living in the mid 18th century. In those days the clergy didn't like anything they couldn't explain. Girls with this gift were branded evil and burned as witches. Only eighty years ago they would have put her in a mental hospital and given her drugs and electric shock treatment."

"Oh
God how awful. Is it only in girls?"

"Boys
are just as likely to have it. It does run in families. I don't have it but it is strong in my sister. When Siobhan cooks dinner she has to make sure the food is the correct shape otherwise it won't taste right. So she'll say things like 'I've cut your meat into strips so it doesn't taste too sour' or she'll say ..."

Laraine
collapsed into her chair and let out a loud squeal up to the ceiling before she burst into a flood of tears. She cried loudly and painfully with her head held in her hands. It seemed like she was in agony and Gavin Shawlens stood rooted to the floor unsure what to do.