Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Acting (But Were Afraid To Ask, Dear) (27 page)

It is important to know that most agents will take commission for work whether they found it for you or not. This means that if you somehow manage to secure a marvellous advert or play by yourself, your agent will still take commission. Whilst this seems unfair, their argument is that they are always working for you, submitting you for things, and have the arduous task of remembering your name.

The usual commission rates for agents in London today are:

Theatre – 10%

Commercial theatre/voice-over/corporate – 12.5%

Percentage of your wife or husband’s salary – 13%

TV, film, commericals – 15%

Any winnings on the lottery (or other forms of gambling) – 15%

Your agent is also legally allowed to help themselves to three items of furniture from your house every year, two DVDs whenever they want, the loan of your car when required, and an evening of passionate bedroom activity with your partner twice a month. Of course, this is just what the top London agents insist on; some of the smaller ones will make do with a little grope once a month, dear.

Agents also take commission on holiday pay – which is paid at the end of a contract. And why do they take commission on this? So they can afford a nicer hotel on their holiday in the Maldives.

A new popular trend in London is the Agent Swinger Evening. This is where agents take their most prized actors to a secret location – and swap them. I haven’t been to one yet, but have heard countless rumours about these naughty evenings. The kinky thing about them is that the actors wear face masks – and nothing else. Throughout the evening, actors perform sonnets, sing, dance, and simply jump up and down. It’s a little like
The Voice
– with the added joy of being able to view the actor’s naughty bits. This is just another way of actors finding work and getting a better agent – and since competition is so high, the waiting list for these evenings is huge. Of course, casting directors are also invited, but I’m told that they just sit at the back dribbling.

Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame it on the good times. Blame it on your agent, dear.

The relationship between an agent and casting director is just like that of a boy and a girl, or a boy and a boy, or a girl and a girl – it is an old-fashioned mating ritual. Agents have to flatter the casting director, flirt with them, take them out on dates, get to know them, and offer them some sort of physical affection (ranging from gentle petting to something far more intimate). And this does not just happen overnight.

The agent will usually make the first move. If an agent has a client they think is right for a specific role, or they just want their client to have a ‘general’ meeting with a casting director, they will firstly send an email to the casting director. This may result in two things – either the casting director will give in to the agent’s advances and agree to meet with their client, or they will play hard to get and ignore them. This can be quite difficult for the agent, especially if they hear that a better-looking agent has been more successful. But a good agent, just like a good lover, will never give up.

A dedicated agent will then try his charm by taking the casting director out on a date. The date will involve a little drink, possibly a meal (if the agent is really trying to impress), followed by a show. The agent will obviously be the one who pays for everything as he or she is the one trying to impress. The casting director, in honesty, is just there for the free meal.

If the evening proves successful, the agent will push the relationship to the next level – and introduce a third person. This person will be a client of theirs, who just happens to be in the show that the agent and casting director have watched. This is the perfect time for the agent to sell their client and allow the casting director to see why they should be excited by this new person. Most casting directors love a good threesome after a few glasses of Chardonnay, dear.

This mating ritual takes a lot of time and dedication to perfect – just as you would expect from any love affair – and new agents have to work on their mating technique. When an agent starts out, they are the new kid on the block and have to find new friends and enemies. It always takes a little while for them to be known and trusted by casting directors and directors. A casting director always takes a gamble when they get new actors and actresses in to audition, and because there are so many out there it is understandable why they tend to ‘stick to what they know’. There is also a tendency for them to give new actors straight out of drama school a chance at leading roles – rather than a seasoned actor who only has supporting roles on their CV. I have spoken to various casting directors who admit they are more likely to audition actors who have just graduated from drama school – or who are new on the acting scene – than an actor with five years’ worth of theatre credits on his CV. And this is the problem – an actor gets typecast straight away.

Some people argue that it is better to be working than doing some form of temp work, but some of the bigger agents will not allow their clients to take small-scale theatre work. Indeed, these agents make it clear in the first interview with
actors that they will only allow them to do film or TV work – and whilst this must be frustrating for the new actor, you can also understand this tactic. I suppose the thing to consider is this – would you be happier working in theatre for two years, or doing a few weeks of TV work? It also depends on what kind of credits you are looking to put on your CV. In my opinion, work leads to work. So go out there, make the contacts, and do what you trained to do, dear.

It struck me recently, when browsing through some theatre programmes, that actors are often listed as ‘cast’ and the directors, choreographers, assistant directors, marketing managers, lighting designers and cleaning company are all listed as ‘creatives’. It implies that being an actor is not creative. Although I am sometimes rather harsh on actors, they are the people that do the creating in rehearsals and create their performances. Theatre is a team effort – and without the combined skill and resources of everyone involved, the production would not happen. So, in future, I will get rid of the ‘creative’ and ‘cast’ divide – and call everyone a creative, dear!

Actors – the director is always on your side. unless you are doing a bad job. Then they hate you, dear.

Directors

It is as tricky to become a director as it is to become an actor. There are many types of directors, and each one has their own responsibilities and resources. Of course some of them are not actually directors but glorified tea-makers, because, as in any profession, directors have to start from the bottom and work their way up. Though, in truth, I wish some of them had just continued making the tea.

Different Types of Directors

The
director
is the person whose name is on the posters and programmes. They are the ones who help sell the show and hopefully come with a great deal of experience. To be a director it is expected that you have gone to Cambridge or Oxford, and are capable of using long words on a daily basis. It helps if you wear glasses and own a plethora of scarves. It is also useful if you have interesting ideas for a play – although this is not essential as you will have an assistant stage manager to help if you get stuck. Most directors will have done some work assisting other directors at the RSC and RAC. The director is allowed to have good ideas, but must never be more creative than the producer.

The
assistant director
is employed to sit far away from the director and make notes on what is happening in the rehearsal room. Sometimes they will be given menial tasks like buying biscuits, cleaning actors, or reading aloud from the script when someone is ill. On special occasions they may even be allowed to offer advice and thoughts on a scene. I must admit an assistant director has a very difficult job. They have to be highly diplomatic, and even if they feel that the director’s decision to base
Macbeth
in a fast-food chain is ridiculous, they must support that vision. However, assistant directors often come into their own on afternoons when the director falls asleep – which is why there is such a long queue to assist Sir Peter Hall, dear.

The
resident director
has the unenviable task of keeping check on a show and maintaining it to the quality of when it opened. Which can be very easy if the show was rubbish. But the resident director cannot re-direct anything – they have to stick with whatever has gone before them. It is their job to watch over a show and make sure that the actors are not being naughty. Their role is particularly important on a tour and in a long-running show, as this is when actors have the tendency to get bored and change things. Also the resident director will feel obliged to keep the company’s ‘spirits up’.

Resident directors are usually actors who want a bit of respect, and they think that becoming a resident director will give them that. It won’t. Particularly if they are a gibbering fool who wants to be everybody’s friend. That is not the role of the resident director. Their role is simple: keep the show in check. Nothing more, nothing less. However, I have known some resident directors who approach the rehearsals with a unique energy and freshness, actively encouraging the actors to keep their performances individual and new. Sadly these types of resident directors get sacked rather quickly to prevent the proper director feeling threatened.

Sometimes an
associate director
is employed to add their own ‘take’ on the show, and perhaps aid and assist the director. They are not quite fully fledged directors and are usually only employed on big shows, particularly when there is a cast change. In successful West End musicals and plays that last for a few years, the show is obviously recast a few times. This is done for two reasons: firstly, if the original cast stay in a show it can become stale and tired, and secondly, my casting director gets bored of staring at the same young boys year after year, so needs new eye candy.

It is usual in these kinds of shows that some of the cast stay and some leave. Sometimes this will be done of their own choosing, and sometimes they will not be asked to renew their contracts. It all depends on how well behaved they have been throughout the year, and how many times they have been nice to my mum.