Everything You Want (13 page)

I heard something in the kitchen and sat
straight up.  I was wearing the same clothes as yesterday, and they were
crumpled and wrinkly.  I glanced over at the mirror.  My hair was
wild.  My mascara was smudged under one eye, while the other one still
looked perfect.  How did I do that?

I heard another rustle from the kitchen. 
I had a good guess of who was in there, and I did not want him to see me like
this.  I put my feet on the floor and snuck into the bathroom as quietly
as possible so he wouldn’t notice me.  When I’d brushed my teeth and made
myself look halfway acceptable, I emerged into the living room.  Kieran
was there, sitting on my couch with his feet propped up on the coffee table, a
plate in his lap, watching the morning news.

He smiled when he saw me and swung his
legs back down to the ground, standing up.  “Good morning,” he said.

“Good morning.”

He stepped into the kitchen.  “Do
you like milk or juice?” he asked.

“Milk,” I said, cocking my head to the
side as I watched him pour me a glass.  Something smelled good.  Had
he cooked?

I didn’t have to wonder long before he presented
me with the glass of milk and a plate of food.

“Scrambled eggs and bacon?  I didn’t
have any bacon.”

“No, I did.  I went over and grabbed
it earlier.  I hope that’s okay.  I already cleaned up my mess.”

“That’s fine.  More than fine,
actually.  Thank you.”

I walked over to the couch and sat down.

“You know, you really should get a
kitchen table.  It’s hard to eat on your lap.”

“I’m used to it.  I ate ramen
noodles on my lap in my dorm room for four years in college.”

“Didn’t they have a cafeteria?”

“Yeah, but I’ve always felt weird eating
by myself, and I didn’t really know anyone there, so I never had anyone to eat
with.”

“You didn’t make a single friend in
college?”

“I had a few in some of my classes, but
they lived off campus.  It’s my fault.  I kept to myself too much.”

Kieran rinsed off his empty dish in the
sink and put it in my dishwasher.  “I’ve got to go get ready for work.”

“Me too.  Thanks for breakfast.”

“You’re welcome,” he smiled.

I opened my mouth to ask if I would see
him later, but he was out the door before I could get the words out. 
George went over to the door and rubbed against it, disappointed his friend had
left.

“I know, bud,” I said to him.  I was
too, but I did have to get ready for work.  I was already running
behind.  I downed my breakfast, which was surprisingly delicious, and
jumped into the shower.

Later at work, I couldn’t stop smiling.

“What’s up?” Greta said when she ran into
me in the bathroom.  “You look like you just won the Powerball.”

“Mmm?” I asked, trying to look innocent
while I reapplied my shimmery pink lip gloss in the mirror.

“Did something happen with your neighbor
guy?”

Yes.  A lot had happened. 
“Maybe,” I said, tucking the lip gloss back in my pocket.

“That looks like a yes to me.”

“Yes,” I confirmed.  “I’m not sure
what, though.  He’s so complicated.”

“Who isn’t?”

“No, I mean he’s really
complicated.  He’s got this past he can’t shake.”

“Who doesn’t?”

I cracked a smile at her.  “No, I
mean, he really can’t shake it.  But I think he wants to, now, at least.”

“Because of you?”

“Maybe.”

“So you’re definitely not interested in
Camden?”

“No.  I don’t think I could go out
with him again after last night.  The way I’m feeling about Kieran right
now, it’s…” I trailed off, not being able to find the right word.

“Intense?” Greta supplied.

“Yeah.”  That was it.  Intense.

“So, really, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said, a blush creeping
up my cheeks.  “We talked.  He opened up to me.  I don’t think
he does that with a lot of people.”

“Oh, yeah.”  She looked
skeptical.  “You look like you just talked.”

“We did!  Mostly.”

“Mostly,” she repeated.

I nodded, not willing to divulge any more
details.

I exited the bathroom, a satisfied smile
on my face.  Memories of kissing Kieran filled my head and anticipation
shot through me.  I hadn’t been this excited about anything in so
long.  Scratch that.  I’d never been this excited about anything,
ever.

“Hi, Marissa,” I heard Camden call as I
passed his desk on the way back to mine.

“Hey,” I called back, barely sparing him
a glance.

Kieran

I couldn’t concentrate on my class. 
It was all I could do to follow my lesson plan and work out the problems I’d
selected for the day on the overhead projector.  I’m pretty sure my
students could tell my mind was elsewhere, but luckily, they didn’t say
anything about it.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was so
happy—excited—worked up about Marissa that I wasn’t even hungry,
but it was corndog day in the cafeteria, and I wasn’t one to pass up a good
corndog.  I met up with Emery in the hallway on the way back to my room.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked.

“Come on in,” I said, opening my
classroom door and letting him slide by.

He sat down at a small desk across from
mine.  We munched on our corndogs in silence for a few minutes.

“What’s got you so happy?” Emery asked,
setting his empty stick down on the tray.

My mouth was full, so I just raised my
eyebrows in reply.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile
this much.  You’re, like, smiling while you chew.  The dogs are good,
but they’re not that good.  Something’s going on.”

I swallowed and answered simply,
“Marissa.”

“Marissa?  The neighbor girl?”

“Right.”

“Well, alright, man.  So that’s
working out for you?”

“Better than working out.  She’s
amazing.”

“Well, there you go,” he said, picking up
his second corndog.

He didn’t know the half of it.  I
leaned back in my chair and shamelessly let my mind fill with thoughts of
Marissa.  I wondered what she was doing.  Was she having a good
day?  Was she thinking about me, too?  Did she miss me as badly as I
missed her?

I looked back over at Emery and thought
she was probably out to lunch, with her friend, Greta.  She’d told me
about all her coworkers last night.  She’d even told me about this guy she
works across the lobby from.  Carter?  Connor?  No,
Camden.  He was Betty’s grandson.  She said they’d even gone out a
couple of times, but that nothing came of it.  I’d been surprised by the
jealousy that had bubbled up in my chest while she was talking about him. 
She was my Marissa.  I didn’t realize it before, but I’d felt it ever
since she moved in. 

I let my thoughts wander more, thinking
about everything Marissa had told me about her life.  I imagined her
sitting in a small, crowded restaurant, a small brunette sitting across from
her.  Suddenly the girl disappeared, replaced by a tall, attractive
man.  Because maybe she wasn’t with Greta.  Maybe she was with that
Camden guy.  Maybe he asked her out to lunch.  Maybe he was trying to
win her back.  He’d be an idiot not to.  What if she went for
it?  What if she…

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to
clear my head, but it was too late.  I felt it.  That familiar surge
of panic.  The jealousy.  The insecurity.  And there I was, fighting
off a full-blown panic attack.  I couldn’t stand the thought of something
else taking her from me, couldn’t stand losing her.  Like I’d lost Becca.

What had I done?  I wasn’t fit to be
in any relationship, especially not with someone as wonderful as Marissa. 
Yet, I’d started something between us anyway, with no regards for what might
happen later on.  I’d screw up.  I’d hurt her.  She’d hate
me.  She’d shut me out.  I couldn’t handle it. 

That was it.  It was obvious that I wasn’t
ready.  I was too messed up.  Becca had destroyed me, and I would not
let myself drag Marissa down into that.   She would be so much better
off if I could just leave her alone. 

I took a deep breath and steadied my
voice.  “Hey, Emery, do you have tutoring this afternoon?” I asked.

“Sure do.”

“Mind if I help out?”

“Sure, that’d be great, but, um,
why?  Don’t you have plans with your neighbor girl?”

I lifted one shoulder.  “Not
tonight.”

“Okay.  Yeah, well.  Cool,
then.  That would be really cool of you.  The kids need all the extra
help they can get.”  Emery checked his watch.  “Time to get
back.  Want me to take your tray for you?” he offered.

I nodded, and then, right before the bell
rang, I pulled out my phone and dialed my sister. 

“Kiera.  How are you doing?”

“Good.  Settling in.  Aren’t
you at work?”

“Yeah, it’s lunch.  Listen, I’m
coming in this weekend, okay?”

“Kieran, you really don’t have to do that. 
I’m fine.”

“I know you are, but I feel like it, okay? 
We’ll go out.  Have some fun.”

Kiera hesitated, and then said, “Okay. 
That sounds…wonderful, actually.”  I could hear the smile in her voice and
it made me happy until I hung up the phone and Marissa’s beautiful face popped
into my head and refused to leave.  Why was I doing this to her?  After
everything we’d been through the night before, everything I’d said to her,
everything she’d told me? 

Because I was an idiot, that was why. 
Because I was twenty-four years old and still too scared to really be with
anyone, to trust anyone. 

Yeah, I most definitely wasn’t good enough
for her.

Two seconds, and I’d gone from happier
than I’d been in years, to completely terrified.  I buried my forehead in
my hands as I listened to the bell’s shrill ring, and wondered why I sucked at
life so bad.

Marissa

Where was he?  Kieran was always
home before me.  I scanned the parking lot once again, but his car was
nowhere in sight.  I sucked in my lower lip as disappointment filled my
chest.  It wasn’t like we had definite plans and he had blown me
off.  He just wasn’t home yet, which was unusual.  Which made it feel
like he was blowing me off.

I blew out a breath as I hiked up the
stairs to the apartment.  When I unlocked the door, Tulip was there
waiting for me, tail wagging rapidly as she bumped her nose repeatedly into my
knees.  I bent down to scratch her velvety ears.  My cats were both
lounging on the couch.  Oatmeal jumped down and began to saunter towards
me, while George only lifted his head to acknowledge my presence.  My
stomach growled reminding me that I’d only had a light salad for lunch.  I
peeked in my freezer and pulled out the top box on my Lean Cuisine stack. 
For someone who loved baking as much as I did, I didn’t really cook all that
much.  If you asked me, they were two different animals.  Cooking
involved too much chopping, boiling, peeling, frying, and not nearly enough
sugar.

I looked down at the cardboard box in my
hand.  “Enchiladas.  Nice,” I mumbled to Oatmeal, who was rubbing up
against my calves.  I popped it in the microwave and poured myself a glass
of tea from the pitcher in the refrigerator, all the while listening for
footsteps on the staircase, hearing nothing but the hum of my small, ancient
microwave.  I downed the tea and refilled the tall glass, grimacing when I
noticed my pitcher was running low.  I pulled out a pan and set some water
to boil on the stove.  My food beeped and I turned to get it, but stopped
short, thinking I heard something outside.  I walked out to the balcony
and looked out towards the parking lot.  Kieran’s usual spot still sat
empty.

I sighed.  This was
ridiculous.  Kieran never said we were hanging out after work.  I’d
just assumed.  But after last night, who wouldn’t? 

He was blowing me off.

Things had moved too quickly last night
and he’d decided to cool it off.  Okay, fine.  That wasn’t a
crime.  Still, it hurt.

Well, whatever.  I wasn’t going to
sit around and waste my night worrying about it.  He’d come around,
eventually.  He was in too deep now.  Or maybe that was just
me?  No.  He was in this, too.  I could feel it.  Ever
since the storm, every time he looked at me, I saw it in his eyes.  Even
in that first touch, I had felt it, something that had felt right.  We
were right.  He knew it, too.  So he could try to run, but I wasn’t
going anywhere.  I’d be here when he was ready for me.

I clicked on the TV and flipped through
the channels until I found an old
Friends
rerun.  I removed the
boiling water from the burner and threw in a couple large tea bags to steep before
I pulled my meal out of the microwave.