Expectant Father (20 page)

Sinking into her chair, Becca admitted, “You’re right. I am tired and stressed out.”

Julia nodded curtly, pursing her lips as if afraid of what she might say if she spoke.

“And I’m afraid I cried all over the daily weather report.” Becca had crinkled it up pretty badly as well.

“Why don’t you go lay down?” Julia said, sneaking a glance her way. “No one will mind if you get some extra rest.”

Becca’s back stiffened. “
Extra
rest?” That implied she needed more rest than anyone else. What would Sirus say if she went back to bed? He’d probably realize that she was trying not to burn herself out. He’d probably understand that she’d operate more efficiently with a little more sleep. He might even admire her for giving Julia some more responsibility.

Becca hung her head, actually contemplating it for several seconds. Becca’s eyelids drifted down at the mere thought of more sleep. She was very tired. The baby elbowed her rib cage, jarring Becca awake.

The sound of trucks leaving and carrying crew up to the fire struck a chord. Aiden was probably on one of those trucks. So much for trying to insulate her heart from breaking. Becca wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

If she did that, she’d be giving up. She may as well forget the job in Boise and hand over the baby to Aiden. There was no way she was doing that.

This baby is mine.

That management job hadn’t been assigned yet.

Becca had plenty to do before getting some rest.

“T
HANKS FOR THE SHOW
back at base camp,” Logan said as they climbed a steep grade from the DP. It was barely eight
o’clock, but the sun and the fire had already begun to warm the air around them. “For awhile there, I didn’t know who was gonna come out on top—you or the Fire Behavior Analyst.”

“It was the analyst,” Doc said, his New Jersey accent grating on Spider’s nerves.

“You’re so clueless when it comes to women, Spider. That’s what I like about you,” Chainsaw observed, packing his namesake on his shoulder.

For once, Spider had nothing to say. The only other person who’d used him and disregarded his emotions to this extent was his father. Spider glanced up at the gray-brown, smoke-filled sky, wishing for a wiser head. Maybe then he’d insulate himself from the pain caused by people he loved.

“Yeah, why all the drama?” Doc asked from behind them. “I mean someone’s already staked a claim on her.”

Spider opened his mouth to tell Doc where he could stick his opinions, but before Spider could get out a word, he was ducking to avoid his buddy’s chain-saw blade. “Watch it,” Spider snarled as he stepped to the side of the trail.

“Sorry, dude. Need to readjust my load.” Chainsaw swung his tool down on the other side of the track about two steps up from Spider.

Doc climbed past Spider with a grin Spider would have given anything to wipe off his face. Spider clenched his teeth. What did Doc know about problems? He was in med school, looking at a prosperous future that was far removed from the dirt and grime of the Hot Shot life. If Doc had a kid, it’d be born in a church-sanctioned marriage with a silver spoon in its mouth. Spider would never be enough man for Becca and her kid.

As Doc came even with Chainsaw, Spider’s broad-shouldered friend shifted his foot into Doc’s path. Doc stumbled and nearly fell on his face, protesting all the way.

“You can disrespect him.” Chainsaw pointed at Spider. He was so much bulkier than Doc that Spider wasn’t worried about the two fighting. “But you can’t disrespect a woman like Becca, Doc.”

“Yeah, where’s your bedside manner, Doctor?” Spider snapped, glad the team’s attention was focused on someone else.

Victoria sauntered past them all. “Children, behave.”

Her label struck a raw nerve. Becca had implied more than once that Spider wasn’t mature enough for their baby…or her. He’d been good enough for her that night in Vegas, hadn’t he?

“I guess the pace is too slow if you all have time to chat like church ladies. Come on, hump it up the hill,” Spider called out, pleased that Victoria had picked up her pace.

Spider and Chainsaw let the others hike on ahead of them.

“Thanks,” Spider mumbled. Somehow, the big guy always knew when to step in.

Chainsaw rummaged in his pack until he found a slim beef stick wrapped in plastic. “So, what’s the deal with the FBAN?” he asked with a much-too-casual look on his face.

“Becca? Nothing.” Spider fiddled with a water bottle. “I just knocked her on her ass that one day and I… I feel sorry for her, that’s all.”

“Uh-huh.” Chainsaw didn’t look convinced. He chewed on his beef stick for a bit. “Can’t say that I’ve ever seen you spend time with a woman you weren’t sleeping with or trying to sleep with.”

Spider didn’t like the direction the conversation was taking. He forced himself to grin. “There’s a first time for everything. I’ve matured.”

“Apparently.” With his beef stick hanging out of his mouth like a cigar, Chainsaw hefted the long saw onto his shoulders.
Then he gave Spider a sharp look. “Have you matured enough to be a daddy, ’cause I hear that kid doesn’t have one.”

“I…”
Lie. Grin. Put on a show like always.

Only Spider didn’t feel like playing the role of clown. Soon someone would be running around the world with Spider’s blood flowing in his veins. He couldn’t make a joke out of that.

“I got her pregnant,” Spider admitted, amazed that the statement created such relief.

The beef stick dropped out of Chainsaw’s mouth to the dirt.

“Yeah,” Spider agreed. It was a solemn moment. He stared up at the sky, but could only see smoke.

“So she wants to get married?”

“No. She wants nothing to do with me.”

Chainsaw kicked the beef stick beneath a bush. “That’s…unexpected.”

So much about Becca was. A sexy female on the prowl with the intent of getting pregnant? Sounded like a couple of the B movies in his DVD collection at home. Sounded like a femme fatale who’d snare him in her web. The question was, did it matter?

Chainsaw shifted around. “Look, maybe it’s for the best.”

But Spider was already shaking his head. “Unfortunately, I love her.” Wasn’t that a bitch? All the time he’d been hiking, he’d been wondering what to do, rather than hating her for using him. He was haunted by the way she always seemed to be alone. A few times he’d caught her looking off into the distance when she was walking about base camp. Could she have wanted a child to ease the loneliness in her life? Could he help fill that void?

Not that he was over the fact that she’d used him. Far from it. Next time he saw her, he was going to give her hell.

“Dude!” Comprehension dawned and Chainsaw slapped Spider on the back. “She’s the shower girl.” The big man sobered. “You’re going to be a father.”

“Yeah, I was thinking that I didn’t want to be a Christmas card dad.”

Chainsaw took off his helmet and rubbed his blond crew cut. “You know, your dad—”

“Won the World’s Worst Dad Award annually. Yeah, I know.” Spider took a swig from his water bottle. It was always painful to admit his past was less than rosy. “I’m the last guy anyone would expect to make a good father. But after the shock wore off, I couldn’t imagine not being the kid’s dad.” The notion of fatherhood had been inexplicably growing on him. He’d have a chance to teach the little guy to shoot hoops and steal home, to drive in the snow and to shave. But the problem of Becca remained.

Chainsaw nodded slowly, then put his helmet back on. “Not that I speak from experience, but it seems like you need to be around more than a few months a year to be a good parent.”

“That’s bullshit. Look at Golden. He’s got two kids. Two
great
kids,” Spider amended, continuing doggedly. “And Logan. He’s got four. I can do this.” Better than his dad…he’d like to think.

“Both those guys have
wives,
Spider. They’ve got women who love them and are willing to make it work. Based on that display of yours this morning, it doesn’t look like Becca’s going to cooperate.”

“She will if I marry her.” It shouldn’t matter how she’d found him. Heaven help him, he still wanted to marry her after all this. He loved her.

The look of disbelief on Chainsaw’s face indicated that
was the farthest thing from his mind in terms of a solution. “You just said she wouldn’t marry you.”

“She’s stubborn, but she’ll come around.” It took a brave woman to do what she’d done.

“Spider.” The radio clipped to Spider’s chest strap crackled to life.

“Spider, here.”

Logan’s voice came right back at him, irritation riddling the static. “Close ranks. The rest of the team is at the top of the ridge.” Teams weren’t supposed to get separated and here Spider had purposefully lagged behind with Chainsaw. A foolish mistake. If they’d been closer to the fire, anything could have happened while they’d stood there discussing Spider’s private life like the church ladies he’d accused the rest of the team of being earlier.

“Maybe you should just try to get along with her,” Chainsaw suggested. “You must have got along well enough…whenever…you know…” Chainsaw’s cheeks reddened.

“I’ve told her how I feel. I’ve taken more abuse from her than I’ve taken from any woman, because once she realizes I’m for real, it’ll all be worth it.” Spider sighed. “You tell me what to try next.”

“Flowers, candlelight and you…down on one knee.”

A
FTER LUNCH
, S
PIDER HACKED
at a tree root as if it were the devil himself, because only the devil seemed to have the answers he needed to make things right with Becca. The afternoon sun combined with waves of heat from the front of the fire had sweat trickling down nearly every surface of his body. Rather than pace himself, Spider was using the physical work to channel some of his frustrations with Becca.

Somehow, he was going to prove his love was real.

“How about I finish that up for you,” Logan said, gently guiding Spider away from the hand line they were scraping out of the mountainside. “Looks like you could use some water.”

“I’d prefer vodka.”

“Are you going to drink to forget?” Doc called as they walked away.

“Do you have a problem with me, Doc?” Spider snapped, stepping in his way.

The kid stared back at Spider in surprise.

Chainsaw stepped between the two. “Let’s pick on someone your own size,” he said to Spider.

“Now’s not the time to have a meltdown,” Logan warned, lowering his voice and pulling Spider farther away from the team.

“I’m not having a meltdown,” Spider protested.

“You’re just angry because you went through three rounds with that Fire Behavior Analyst and lost. That’s no reason to take it out on the team,” Chainsaw advised.

“Somebody hit me,” Spider mumbled. He wouldn’t throw the first punch, but he wouldn’t mind brawling with someone. “She’s got me so tied up in knots that I don’t know what to do. There’s so much more to her than there is to me. She’s right, what can I bring to the party except the chromosome that helped create our kid? She can raise that baby with her eyes closed. I’ll be AWOL, or when I’m there I’ll be looking for the daddy handbook.”

“You and the FBAN?” Logan grinned. “You’re going to be a dad? That’s awesome.”

“It would be perfect if she married me and I knew the rules for being a dad.”

“Hey. She’ll come around.” Logan held up a hand. “Being a father isn’t about playing by the rules. Each kid is different and each kid is going to teach you how they want or need you to be.”

“Women are the same way, dude,” Chainsaw added.

“How would you know?” Spider challenged. “You lost your first love to another man.” And he’d been saving himself ever since. They should have called him the Celibate Cleric, not Chainsaw.

To his credit, Chainsaw didn’t pound one of his gigantic fists into Spider’s face. Instead, he asked quietly, “Is this about being rejected by Becca or about being shut out as a dad?”

“It’s about Becca. She’s not the kind of woman who’s going to deny me access to the baby just because she’s rejected me.” But it was Becca who would complete the joy of becoming a father. And all he’d done was stress her out by
pressuring her to commit herself and the baby to him immediately, instead of waiting as she’d asked, or being patient enough to prove his love to her. No wonder she’d had a meltdown this morning.

“I misread her from the start,” Spider admitted. “What can I say or do to make up for all this?” He’d probably cost her the Boise job.

“Your love,” Victoria said, walking up from behind. “Sorry. I couldn’t help but hear. Congratulations, by the way. But love—” She shrugged. “That’s all any of us wants. When the fire season is over, she’ll realize it, too.”

Spider didn’t want to wait.

“Much as I’d love to continue this Hallmark moment, we need to finish up.” Logan gestured to the rest of the team, whose pace had slowed.

“I think this is yours,” Victoria handed Spider a large Ziploc bag filled with letters. “I meant to give them to you this morning, but then everything fell out of my backpack and… Well, you know the rest.”

“What is it?” Spider took off his gloves and opened the bag.

“I think they’re letters from your dad. I read one and it was addressed to you. I didn’t know he was your dad.”

“Who?” Aiden knew he had some type of scowl on his face. His entire body felt sour and bitter.

“That old guy. I thought I saw him drop the bag in camp and then I couldn’t find him.” Her cheeks turned red. “I probably shouldn’t have opened them at all, but I was curious. Besides, Becca gave him a chance.”

“He’s
not
my dad.” Becca was a notorious softy who gave everyone a second chance. Would she give him one as well?

“Then the letters must be for someone else named Aiden.”
Victoria reached out to take the bag back, but Spider had already withdrawn the letter on top.

Spider unfolded the paper. It was filled with lines of shaky scrawl.

Dear Aiden,

I know how hard it’s been to have your dad on the past few fires with you. It’s been equally hard on me. As my career winds down, I’m grateful that I was able to serve with you and see what a solid leader you’ve turned out to be.

If I could give you one bit of advice, it would be to beware of your pride. That emotion is like a wedge that creates distance between you and those you love. Pride stopped me from fighting for your mother. Pride stopped me from being a better father. I should have taken a job that would have allowed me to spend more time with you, but I wasn’t willing to sacrifice something I enjoyed for the person who meant the most in life to me.

Please don’t repeat my mistakes.

Love,

Dad

“He’s
not
your dad?” Victoria asked.

Spider’s throat tightened until he couldn’t speak. It appeared his dad did indeed have regrets. He’d once told his dad that he needed to prove that he loved him. Spider had just been handed that proof.

“Yeah, yeah, he is,” he admitted finally, tucking the letter back in the bag and stowing it carefully in his backpack. “I’ll make sure this gets back to him.”

Becca was challenging, obstinate and wouldn’t let him put anything past her, but that’s part of what made him love
her. No one had ever been able to keep up with him. Hell, Becca made him struggle to keep up with her. He loved her, damn it. And as soon as he got off this mountain, he was going to drop down on one knee and ask her to marry him again.

“B
ECCA
.” J
ULIA’S VOICE CUT
into Becca’s consciousness mid-afternoon.

Despite her resolve, she’d come back to her tent mid-morning and collapsed, unable to go on without rest. Besides, Carl had been convinced that the weather would remain calm and that things would be quiet until the evening briefing. So, she’d come back to her cot and slept, the only relief from her heartache at finally making Aiden let her go.

Becca hadn’t seen Sirus since the scene she and Aiden had created that morning. They may not have announced that Aiden was the father of her baby, but everyone in camp certainly knew that something was going on between them.

“Becca, are you in there?” Julia stuck her head in the door.

“Hang on a second.” Becca sat up, swaying on her cot dizzily as the blood rushed away from her head. It took her almost thirty more seconds to be able to stand. “What is it?”

But Julia didn’t have to answer. The tent door faced the north. Becca felt a cool wind blowing on her face. The winds had shifted early.

She hadn’t fought hard enough for that second line of defense. And now there were teams of men and women up on the mountain in the fire’s path. Becca’s stomach roiled with fear.

“Aiden.”

I
T STARTED AS PRESSURE
in Spider’s ears. At first, he attributed it to the altitude. They’d hiked far up the mountain today and
the air was pretty thin. The air was cooler, too, which was good when you were hacking away at the ground for hours at a time.

“Are you okay, Spider?” Doc asked. “We’ve still got a ways to go to meet up with that water-buffalo crew.”

Spider continued to stand still. Something was wrong. There was an expectancy in the very air he was breathing. The smoke was thick up here such that it seemed like a foggy dusk—if fog were brown-gray. The slope they were working on was steep and densely wooded, limiting visibility even further.

“Hey.” Chainsaw shook his shoulder. “You need to focus. We’ll be back in base camp soon enough.” Chainsaw assumed he’d been distracted by thoughts of Becca and the baby.

“Yeah, sure.” Spider went back to work, swinging his Pulaski with skilled strokes, but his attention was on the brown-gray sky above them and, in spite of the heat, he shivered.

“T
HE PREDICTION WAS
for no wind today,” Sirus announced to the team in the IC tent, with a dark glance sent Carl’s way. “We need to know what’s going to happen next. Becca?”

“Give me a minute.” Becca leaned over the latest fire map spread across the table, trying not to worry about Aiden, and failing, because his crew was directly in the path of the fire.

“Carl said there’d be no wind.” Julia’s eyes were streaming with tears.

Jackson Garrett charged into the tent. “Do you feel it?” He looked around with an almost palpable sense of urgency.

Nodding, Becca knew immediately what Jackson meant. He wasn’t referring to the wind. The pressure was dropping. She could feel the pressure in her ears and in her belly.

Julia stood, sniffed and tried again. “But the computer—”

Becca hushed her. “If you need to go pull yourself together, please do so.” Becca sank into the chair Julia had vacat
ed. She needed to concentrate. She needed an extra pair of hands, but that wasn’t likely when Julia was falling apart.

“I’m not crying,” Julia said stubbornly, her cheeks still wet with tears. “I’m allergic to spruce or whatever is burning up there.” She pointed in the general direction of the mountain accusingly. “My eyes haven’t stopped running once since I’ve been here.”

“I want immediate updates on the teams on that mountain,” Sirus commanded their communications officer. “Where are they and how far are they from a safe retreat zone?”

“We’ve got three crews working too close to the southwestern flank of the fire,” Jackson observed, looking at a map. “The winds are going to blow this beast straight down their throats.”

“I agree,” Becca said. “They’re our number one priority, but there are also two other crews in danger.”

“Let’s pull them all out.” Thank God, Sirus didn’t hesitate.

Relieved, Becca turned her attention back to Julia. “Why didn’t you go to the infirmary?”

“Because I wanted to work with you. I was willing to do anything to work with the legendary Rebecca Thomas.” Julia blew her nose. “And then I couldn’t do anything right until today when I adjusted the computer simulation to account for the change in temperature and wind direction, but it’s too late to help us.” She wiped at her eyes, then groaned in frustration. “Look at me. The wind is making me worse. My eyes are watering so bad that I can barely see the computer keyboard.”

Becca didn’t know what to say. Her opinion of Julia had been biased by the belief that she was averse to the outdoors when in fact she’d been suffering.

“Don’t distract her, Julia,” Sirus snapped. “Do what she says and take a break.”

“No.” Becca stared up into Julia’s red, watery eyes. “I need her help.”

Becca was rewarded with a hesitant smile from Julia. “What do you want me to do?”

“T
HIS ISN’T GOOD
,” Spider said, conferring with Chainsaw and Logan at the back of the fire-crew line. The wind whipped around them, first in one direction and then in another.

Small embers danced in the air. As they landed, the fire crew tried to smother them. But Spider could see there were too many.

The embers were getting bigger.

And the fickle, ever-changing wind made choosing a direction of escape a gamble.

“Doc, call IC,” Spider commanded, pulling out his map. “Which location do you want to retreat to, Logan? The black meadow below us?” Which had been burned over two days ago. “Or that little rise to the east?” Which would only be good if the IC was sending them a helicopter. Considering this fire only had one helicopter, the chance of an air evacuation was slim unless they were in really deep trouble. And if they were in deep trouble, there was no way one chopper could airlift three teams to safety.

Spider was hoping they weren’t going to need that helicopter.

“I’m betting on the black,” Logan said slowly. “We’ve got two other teams out here. One other Hot Shot team and the Montana #5 private crew.”

Spider’s dad’s team.

“There’s too much static on the line. I’m getting nothing,” Doc said. “Want me to run up to the ridge and see if the reception is any better over there?”

“No.” Spider could almost feel the fire drawing itself up for one tremendous, fiery belch. They didn’t have much time. Of all the days to be without Golden. “We’ve got to retreat. Now. Down to the blackened meadow.”

Several of the men grumbled. One more hour and they’d be close to finishing. Retreating was like admitting defeat and they’d certainly done enough of that already on this fire.

“You heard what Spider said,” Chainsaw bellowed, looking as if he’d willingly pound them into action. “Move your lazy butts down to the meadow.”

Logan, Chainsaw and Spider stood while the rest of the team moved down the mountain, albeit slowly.

Spider turned his attention up the mountain, toward the fire. “I need you to take the team, Logan.”

His forehead wrinkled. “Why?”

“Communications are for shit. I’ve got to warn the other crews.” Spider scanned the slope above them, but didn’t see a soul. To the northeast, the smoke seemed to be roiling into giant clouds that looked to be threatening rain. “That superintendent of Montana #5 is just looking for a chance to prove they’re just as brave, or braver, than a DoF crew. He’ll stay until the last possible moment and rely on his team’s speed and mobility to escape.”

Only not everyone on his team had speed and mobility. At least one guy was old and walked with slow, painful steps.

“Don’t you think they already know it’s time to back off?” Logan asked.

Spider thought about the stubborn leader of his dad’s team, about the earnest way his father tried to help Spider despite being put down and rejected constantly. “I don’t want to assume anything today. Do you?”