Exposed: A Novel (4 page)

Chapter 6
Taylor

Oh, the money. It flooded in like a tsunami. Andy did what he promised, after only a few weeks, he made me a star. I guess you’d call it that. He posted pictures of me online and the videos, of course, can’t forget the videos. People loved me. Men wanted me. They emailed me constantly, but I never saw those. Andy’d tell me about them but, yeah, he’d also respond as me. He thought I’d mess up, whatever that meant. Anyway, I was a star in Andy’s eyes and in his wallet’s eyes, so I tried to believe it too.

Along with all the attention, I had more money than I knew what to do with. It happened so fast. If it weren’t for the intense amount of cash in my purse I might’ve stopped before it got worse.

Andy held me in his kitchen after another video shoot. The hot June sun sparkled on the tile, warming me even with the air conditioner on.

“My business is really taking off,” he said. “Soon we’re gonna be so big that we’ll have to hire more people. And you know what that means? More money and fame for you. I have no doubt we’ll get noticed at the AVN Awards this year.”

“AVN Awards?”

“Think Oscars in the adult film industry.” He smiled so wide the sun could’ve hid and the room would’ve stayed bright. “We’re going this year to get our names out there. Maybe next year we’ll be working in California and win some awards.”

Something about that smile got me every time I doubted my life or myself. Something about that smile flipped my heart like a pancake whenever I felt like I was burning. Something about that smile took my innocence and turned me into a person I didn’t know.

Andy twisted the cap of his Cherry Coke. Part of me wanted to run away and go back to real life. But his smile. The attention. The money—especially the money and independence. I couldn’t leave it all behind. Finally, my life held some sort of purpose, some sort of significance. And soon everyone would know my name. Well, Sadie’s name.

Right then, as his soda fizzed and ran down his throat I made a pact with myself. From then on I’d pretend to be the girl Andy wanted me to be. The wild, but innocent porn star so far from everything I knew.

Like a light switch, I turned on the extrovert and said goodbye to the shy eighteen-year-old girl I used to be. See ya later, Taylor. Hello, Sadie.

Two minutes later Andy lit a cigarette and handed it to me. Pressing the cigarette to my lips, I inhaled. Didn’t take long for me to nearly cough my lungs out.

“You never had pot before?” Andy laughed.

Pot? I shook my head, smiled, and inhaled again and again until my lungs were so full of marijuana that my head lightened. The rolled up paper stopped burning when I took a break. So Andy put it back to my lips. I held it and pressed my mouth over it. Two more puffs of air and the world went fuzzy and butterflies flew around the room. “Look.” I pointed, bent over in hysterics. “Butterflies.”

Andy held his stomach and laughed.

I don’t remember what happened after that, except a lot of laughing, but I woke up beside Andy the next morning.

“I promise we didn’t have sex,” he said. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Wow. So much for good morning.

“I respect you too much.”

He made me feel so good. So cherished. Sure, he sold my body and purity to the world, but he loved me. And, yeah, he watched me have sex with other men, but he loved me enough to wait. And oddly, even though I’d given up my body to others, I didn’t feel comfortable having sex with Andy.

He reached for my hand. I pulled away and climbed out of bed.

“Where you going?” he asked.

“Shopping.” I smiled. “Want to come?”

“Nah, I’ll stay here for now. Be back around three, okay?”

I walked away, feeling horrible and excited, wrong and gratified, like my birthday should’ve been in June. A Gemini. Two people. Yes, two different people. That was me. Living a lie so passionately that I started to believe its reality.

And so I shopped my heart out, trying to spend my problems away. When I came back to Andy at 3:45pm, I didn’t feel any better. The problems went away while I swiped my credit card, but returned when Andy’s face weakened my knees.

He wrapped his fingers around my arm and pulled me in his front door. “Where were you, huh?”

“Shopping, I told you.”

“You’re late.”

His hand stung my face like I’d jumped twenty feet face first in water. I landed on the floor. He ran toward me and forced me up by my shirt collar. I flinched.

“Be late again.” He jerked his face to mine. “And see what happens.”

He dropped my shirt collar. I fell to the floor and watched him walk into the living room. My body trembled from my fingers to my lips. Again, I wanted to run. Why couldn’t I run?

“Camera rolls in five minutes,” he called from the other room. “Get up and get ready. You look like you were hit by fifteen trains.”

I obeyed and went upstairs to put on makeup while I gave myself a pep talk.

Get rid of Taylor. You need to be Sadie now. You need to make Andy happy. Whatever it takes. Don’t make him mad again. Just be so good that he can’t get mad at you.

I went downstairs and met Andy with a smile.

He kissed me on the forehead. “Sorry for blowin’ up. I promise that won’t happen again.” His eyes scanned me up and down. “Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.”

I grinned, sliding my invisible Sadie mask over me. She could help me get through another degrading experience. She actually liked this life, the attention, the money and makeup and clothes. So for another few hours I shunned my heart, lived Sadie’s dream, and gave in to Andy.

My world revolved around Andy.

Chapter 7
Ally

A thunderstorm cooled the humid air as I walked into work on Friday, pushing the present behind me and making myself believe the past could somehow be the future. If only. If only a thousand things.

The front desk, plastered with post-it notes, sat empty. Must be early, I thought.

So far, so good. No emotional breakdowns. No gorgeous women jogged down the street, and I hadn’t dwelled on the images that ran through my mind randomly throughout the day.

Lauren walked around the corner with a water bottle. The yellow walls made her smile seem even brighter, like I just walked into spring. Such a sweet girl. Clueless about reality, but then, I guess I could relate. Not too long ago, I was her age, walking down an aisle toward Jessie. I looked at her engagement ring, wondered if her fiancé had a secret life, too. So many people who walked through my office did. So many. So sad.

“You feeling better?” Lauren said, face bright and young, unharmed by marriage.

“I’m fine.”

I’m sure that was believable.

She sat in her swivel chair and clicked the computer mouse. “Lots of post-it notes in there for ya.”

A teenage boy—with his shoulders down and his hair glued to his forehead—walked out of Mr. Almond’s office as I walked into mine. It smelled like paint. Maybe the chemicals would poison me to death if I kept the door closed and inhaled more than usual, I thought. Okay, a little dramatic. I laughed inside. And I’m counseling couples today. God, help me.

Maybe I should pray.

No. Too busy.

I sat down, turned on my computer, and sifted through the post-it note wallpaper on my desk. I missed one day. Only one and I return to a mountain of notes. The computer finally came to life. I typed in my password. JessieLove. My stomach tightened. I ignored it. Needed to focus.

I opened Outlook and watched fifty-six new messages pour into the inbox. The last message popped up. From Jessie. “Not now, Jess. I need to focus.”

I looked over my schedule for the day, organized my desk five times, stared out the window, and battled thoughts until someone knocked on the door.

I jumped. “Come in.”

“Hey.” Lauren peered through the crack. “The Fowlers are here. You ready?”

“Send ‘em in.”

Here we go.

I stood and walked to the door.

Lauren opened the door and waved her hand toward me. “Right this way.”

Mara aged since I saw her two weeks ago. I couldn’t believe she convinced Jed to come. I imagined him a little taller, less facial hair or none at all, and dressed like a golfer. Nope. He resembled a short bear with sweat pants and a t-shirt. Was that a ketchup stain?

“Nice to meet you, Jed.” I extended my hand.

He shook, nice and quick. No eye contact.

Mara inhaled and closed her eyes.

“Why don’t you two have a seat?”

I sat down and wiped my sweaty hands onto my skirt, then looked up at the marriage I needed to save.

“Okay,” I said. “Jed, I’m going to give you this piece of carpet. It means you take the floor. When I ask you to hand the carpet to Mara, it’s her turn to talk. No one is allowed to speak unless they have the carpet. Make sense?”

He took the carpet square and said nothing.

Mara nodded and crossed her arms.

“Alright, I’ll start with a word of prayer.” I closed my eyes and bowed my head. “Father, thank You for Your presence in our lives. I pray for wisdom and guidance. May Your peace fill the hearts in this room as we lift our lives to You, for Your will. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

My prayers lacked feeling for so long.

“Jed, why don’t you start off by telling me why you are here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He tossed the carpet on to his lap and sneered at Mara.

“What made you decide to come today? Are you purely here for Mara’s sake?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, why do you think Mara wanted you here?”

“Because I had an affair. I fell in love with another woman. And I’m happy. Okay? I’m here to end this. I want it over and I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of her nagging. I’m tired of everything about her.”

Mara’s face turned red, but the circles under her eyes were still dry. Probably all cried out, like me.

“What do you hope to accomplish with this session, Jed?”

“I just want someone else to say it’s okay for us to get divorced. I don’t want to have an affair. I just want to be finished.”

“Finished with what?”

“With this.” He waved his hand around Mara. “She’s not the person I married and I can’t stay married to the person she’s become.”

I understand. “And who has she become?”

“The woman I married was fun. She didn’t care if I ate potato chips during movies. She didn’t yell at me for missing a spot when I offered to do the dishes. She kissed me when we gave the kids a bath, instead of telling me it’s too crowded in the bathroom. She’s become a nagging witch and I can’t take it.”

“Why do you think she changed?”

He stared at me, blinked twice, looked down, and picked up the carpet square. “I don’t know.”

“Jed, could you hand Mara the carpet?”

She gently took the carpet from his hands, careful not to look in his direction. “I changed because Jed stopped loving me, a long time ago, way before the affair.”

“That’s not—” Jed interrupted.

“You’ll have a chance to talk in a minute or so,” I said. “So, Mara, when did you begin to feel that Jed didn’t love you?”

“Maybe two years into our marriage. He started watching television more. Whenever I talked about something on my mind he wouldn’t look at me. He just stared at the television from the time he came home from work until his head hit the pillow. I would try to make love to him and he would say, ‘I’m too tired.’ I tried everything. He just stopped pursuing me.”

“And what did you do when he stopped pursuing you?”

“I pursued him more, only to get rejected.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Alone.” A tear finally wet the circles under her eyes.

A sex-hungry woman with blonde hair careened through my mind. I winced and shook the thought. “Mara, could you hand Jed the carpet?”

He took it. “That’s not true. I watched television so much because she stopped talking to me. And every night when I walked through the door she had this crabby attitude, like I did something wrong just by walking through the door. She tries to blame it on me, but it was her, her and that attitude of hers.”

“Did she ever tell you that she didn’t feel loved?”

“Yeah, but it was too late. I already started the affair and just stopped caring about the marriage.”

“Do you love her?”

“I loved the woman I married. Not this woman.”

Mara played with the edge of her shirt and I thought of Jessie. The last two days. The tears, the broken dreams, the past. Mara’s eyes found mine.

I looked at Jed, but saw Jessie.

Come on, Ally, I said inside, forget your heart right now and live from your head. You’re here to save this marriage. Don’t make it worse.

I slid my emotions to the side and continued, “Jed, do you think you have changed since the day you and Mara got married?”

Mentally, I listed the ways Jessie and I changed over the years. Less pillow fights, but we still had fun. Less time, but we still made love. Everything made sense, everything except his secrets.

I looked back at Jed. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

Mara looked at Jed. He looked at me, eyebrows bent toward his nose. “I just said, ‘Yes, but in a good way.’”

“I’m sorry. I’m feeling very ill right now.” I lied, like Jessie, to protect myself. The tiniest part of me understood his perspective. Too ashamed to admit the truth.

Well, I am feeling a little lightheaded, I tried to convince myself.

Weird how easy lying could be if you convinced yourself that it was true.

“Are you okay?” Mara interrupted my thoughts.

I almost forgot where I was. “Yes, I’m so sorry. I really don’t feel well.”

“Maybe we can come back.”

“No, no.” I couldn’t let another marriage fail. “I’m okay, just needed a second to breathe.”

Jed’s eyebrows didn’t change; in fact, they morphed into one line of hair over his eyes.

“So, Jed,” I said, “how do you feel you have changed since your wedding day?”

His eyebrows finally separated. The wrinkles on his forehead smoothed. He exhaled and handed the carpet to Mara. “I can’t answer that.”

Can’t? Or won’t?

Mara didn’t hesitate. “Maybe it is my fault. I was just thinking about it and, well, when I got pregnant the first time I was under a lot of stress. I didn’t have energy for anything and I felt so unattractive and boring. Maybe my irritability got the best of me and Jed felt pushed away.”

“That could be, Mara, but it takes two to be in a marriage and it takes two to destruct a marriage.”

She looked down. “I know.” Her eyes looked to her husband. “But I think it started with me.”

Maybe Jessie’s issues started with me. Maybe I worked too much. Maybe he wanted me home more. Maybe I should have helped him with his marketing business like he wanted. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I repositioned in my chair. But still, those women, all of them, were

blonde and curvy. Maybe he married me because he was infatuated with me, but deep down he wanted a blonde. Why else would he have needed to look at those women almost every day for years?

I refocused my eyes and Jed stood at the door with one hand on the knob.

“I can’t do this. I don’t want this marriage to work. I want out.” He turned, looked at Mara, then me. “And you aren’t focused on us anyway. This whole thing is pointless.”

The door opened and closed. Jed disappeared.

Mara’s eyes danced across the room, eventually catching my gaze. I looked away. Tears burned my eyes like pool water. When I looked back to Mara she smiled. “Thank you, Allyson. You tried. Maybe next week we can talk about coping with divorce.”

Ouch. That hurt. Deeper than she’d ever know.

I stood, walked to Mara’s chair and put my hand on her shoulder.

Absent words were substituted by Mara’s sniffling.

I failed.

The door opened again. I turned and saw Lauren’s face between the door and the wall. “Jessie’s here, Allyson. He said it’s important. I told him you were with a client.” She looked at Mara. “I’ll send him in when you are finished, unless you—”

“Thanks, Lauren.”

I glanced to my left and looked down at the woman I could unfortunately relate to. I wanted to hug her. I wanted her to hug me. I wanted to be someone else. Someone blonde. Someone better. Someone who didn’t ruin everything she touched.