Exposed: A Novel (3 page)

I hobbled to the curb, desperate not to pee my pants, and sat down.

Jessie got out of his car and ran toward me. I stood and sprinted away. We ran behind Barnes & Noble. My flip-flop fell off next to the dumpsters where I stopped and put my hands on my knees. Jessie panted beside me.

I straightened my back and smiled. He grabbed my hands and looked into my eyes.

I looked back and saw my future.

His laugh subsided while both of our chests rose and fell. I looked up at the night sky, took a deep breath to fill my lungs, and exhaled. The breeze moved across my face and swept my hair away from my eyes.

Jessie’s cologne smelled like summer rain.

I smiled and analyzed the adventure in his eyes. Before I could say anything he placed his index finger over my lips.

Home, finally home, I thought.

Our eyes closed. Our lips touched. And Orion watched as we kissed under an April sky.

Old Jessie. I missed him.

I closed my eyes and told myself what I’d tell my clients.

It’s not about you. His pornography struggle is deeper than that. You need to know it’s not about you. You are enough. You are the woman he wanted to marry.

So much for that. Everything I knew, everything I taught others—it didn’t help. And I started to question the validity of anything I’d ever said.

Chapter 4
Taylor

At 5:09pm on a toasty June afternoon I walked away from Andy’s embrace with another $900 in my pocket and a brand new name. A few, what I called innocent, pictures later Andy convinced me to become his top girl, which meant my pictures would go from PG-13 to R pretty quick.

“I love you, Taylor.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “I’ll take care of you. You’re my glamour girl.”

His words were love to a wanting heart.

“I’ll make you a star.” He smiled and put his arm around me. “You are my most beautiful model, you know that?”

I looked down and smiled.

“Hey, why don’t you make up a new name?”

“What do you mean?”

“Make up another name so you can separate Taylor from your new life. Then when I put your pictures online no one will be able to find you by your real name.”

Online? He didn’t mention that before, but I felt strange questioning him. He loved me. He was the first person since Daddy died to even say those words.

So I came up with the name Sadie and left Andy’s arms to go back to my empty apartment and stare at the pile of laundry I still didn’t know how to wash. Mom never let me do house chores. Not sure why. Maybe she thought I’d find something she didn’t want me to see.

I posed for Andy almost two weeks straight and I’d bought so many new clothes that laundry wasn’t necessary yet. Not to mention the hangers upon hangers of clothes Andy bought for me. “I want my girl to look like a princess,” he’d say. I couldn’t deny that. Or anything he said for that matter.

I felt beautiful, loved, and high on life. Oh, and how could I forget? In love for the first time to an older guy with enough stars in his eyes to fill the universe. Pretty cool, considering only two months ago the entire world stepped on the backs of my shoes and made me feel worthless. It’s like my “average” beauty and intelligence wasn’t worth the world’s acknowledgement.

I grabbed my keys and left my apartment in search of my first laundry detergent. When I entered Walgreens, I remembered sitting on the curb talking to Andy and couldn’t be more thankful for the decision I made. Easy money, easy job, and I found love.

As I walked down the aisles I noticed my confidence had increased. Finally I raised my shoulders, instead of rushing in and out of stores hoping no one from high school would see me and make fun of me for something.

I made my way down aisle nine, otherwise known as laundry detergent heaven.

“Let’s see,” I whispered aloud. “Tide, All, Arm & Hammer—why are there so many?”

“Oh, look who it is.” A familiar voice rattled my heart.

I turned to see Angela Bright, the girl who spent her high school years being rude to me, standing in the middle of her posse.

“What?” she said. “You work here or something? Don’t got much of a life, do ya? Just graduated and spending your life at Walgreens.”

Little did she know.

She continued whispering about me as I turned to analyze detergents. Her words slid off my heart like a kid down a Slip and Slide. A few seconds later she walked away with giggly friends, spitting at me with her words. It took all I had not to turn around and spit in her face for real, but Andy’s words softened my response.
You’re my glamour girl.
I needed to live up to that. Not that I’d have the nerve to spit in her face anyway.

I settled on Tide and went back to my apartment to wash three loads of clothes. I shrank seven shirts and discolored a few more.

Oh well, you live, you learn.

A few days later while I admired the new bed Andy bought me for my apartment, he called to ask if I’d be interested in a sparkling new car.

“Of course,” I said, sitting on the floor beside my bed.

“Okay, princess. Only one thing, I need you to do a little video shoot. No biggie. It’ll be quick, I promise. You’ll get a brand new car, paid off, and an extra $1,500 for a little video.”

My heart knotted.

“For me?” His candy-coated words tempted me.

“Are you sure you want me to be in a video?”

“Of course I do, sweetheart. There’s no one more beautiful. I told you I’d make you a star, didn’t I?”

“Don’t you have other models who could do that?”

“They already do. I need someone fresh and young.”

I didn’t want to lose him. That’s the only reason I said yes. The money, the car, the glamour life?those things were nothing compared to my love for Andy. I wanted to please him and I didn’t care what it cost me. Eh, scratch that, I needed to please him.

The next day I walked into his house. He gave me lingerie to wear, told me how he wanted me to do my makeup, then positioned me on his couch. A man walked in. Older, like he could’ve been my dad, only nowhere near as handsome.

I looked at Andy.

He smiled. “You ready?”

“Who’s that?” I nodded to the balding man.

“Paul. He’s going to be in this one with you.”

I gulped. My ears and cheeks burned. Baldy looked me up and down. Andy stood behind the camera.

“Ready in three,” he said.

The camera started rolling and Baldy approached me.

He didn’t tell me a guy would be in the video with me. But I couldn’t say no when he approached me, with that camera in my face and everything, so I pretended to enjoy myself. My heartbeat clogged my ears, softening the music Andy played in the background. The camera, in my face every five seconds, made it hard to hide my tears. Or maybe Andy didn’t care about my tears. He ordered me around. Move this way and that. Do this, no, no, wait, do that. Somehow my body listened as my mind imagined my wedding dress stained with my blood. No one would want me now. No one.

The sheets turned crimson and I thought for sure I’d bleed to death. But Andy smiled and reassured me, touching my cheek between takes. “This is so good,” he said. “I didn’t know you were a virgin.”

The room disappeared. Andy disappeared. Memories replayed in my mind. Mom passed out on the living room couch. Her first boyfriend since Daddy died. His breath. The mayonnaise on his mustache. I could see it all like it happened yesterday. He touched me. And I thought for sure he stole my virginity.

Andy tossed a rag in my face. I soaked it with my tears, hoping when I lifted it from my eyes I’d be alone. Free to cry. I tossed the tear-filled cloth to the side of me and looked at Andy. He beamed. Shame and pride tugged my heart. But I gave in to pride. It’s easier to give in to pride than to fight it, and at that point, I didn’t have the energy to fight anything.

“You didn’t tell me you were a virgin,” he said, sitting beside me.

I nodded, biting my lip to hold back more tears.

“You’ll be fine, sweetheart.” He brushed my hair behind my ear and ran his fingers to my chin. “I’ll take care of you.”

I didn’t believe him, but I chose to anyway.

Chapter 5
Ally

June in Maryland, at least where I live, is like preparation for weeks of sweat. June usually isn’t so bad, but get to July and you long for an air conditioner. Not Verity though, she didn’t use central air, even though she had no problem affording it.

Which is why, most times, I chose to meet her somewhere else. Although I regretted it when we were sitting in the café at Barnes & Noble and she said, way too loud, “Jessie and porn? Really?”

A few heads turned. Some tried not to turn their head, but I saw their ears perk up.

“So, what did you do?” Verity said, still loud.

“Be a little quieter,” I said through my teeth.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “What happened?”

“I freaked out. My emotions are unexplainable, really. I know, funny for a counselor, but it’s like nothing makes sense to me.” I paused. “I wonder what my co-workers would think of me. I didn’t expect this one. I didn’t realize how much insecurity I’ve had all this time. Unless it’s new.”

“Well, at least he didn’t have an affair. And besides, I always told you fairy-tales didn’t exist, but you chose to believe Jessie was perfect and your marriage would be, too.”

Not in a million years did I think Verity would know more about love than me. I longed for romance my entire life. I read books, so many of them, to know how to be the perfect wife. She made fun of me our entire lives for dreaming of love and marriage. Used to tell me love was nothing more than a choice. “I never thought Jessie was perfect—”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t. I thought he was perfect for me, not perfect. No one is.”

“Well, porn isn’t that big of a deal. I used to think so, but when we first got married I couldn’t stop him from watching it, so I watch it with him now. At least this way I know what he’s doing. It’s not that bad, really.”

I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, hoping the perked ears around me couldn’t hear our conversation.

“What? You act like I’m crazy or something.”

“An understatement.”

“Seriously, you should watch it with him.”

“That’s not an option. I don’t condone that stuff and never will. You’re probably just doing that to make yourself feel better. Some kind of coping mechanism.”

“You make it sound like such a big deal. Every guy looks at other women. It’s just the way they are. And I look at other men too. It’s natural. You can’t get married and expect to never be attracted to other people again. That’s unnatural.”

I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one heard our conversation. A couple of teenagers looked our way and laughed. Everything I ever knew about love suddenly seemed unrealistic. Lies. I lived in lies. “Okay, I don’t want to talk about this with you. We’re obviously not on the same page. And I have no desire to be on your page.”

“You don’t think other men are attractive?”

“I’ve never thought about it.”

“You are lying. What about that guy we saw at Walgreens in Perry Hall? Remember him?”

I squinted my eyes, peeling my brain apart. “Don’t think so.”

“Yes, you do. Last week when we stopped there on our way to McDonald’s, we asked him where they hid the Chapstick, remember?”

“Um, I remember Walgreens and Chapstick, and a guy, but don’t remember what he looked like.”

My cell phone vibrated in my purse. I shut it off without looking at it.

“How many times has he called?” Verity said.

“Twelve.”

I placed my elbow on my car door and supported my head with my palm, away from the mirror. I couldn’t stand my reflection.

Work. I didn’t want to return to work tomorrow after an extended weekend.

A woman jogged across the street. I analyzed her body from behind. So womanly, like the women on Jessie’s computer. Her blonde ponytail swayed back and forth as she disappeared ahead. I cringed and turned up the music on the radio. Country music attempted to disguise my thoughts.

I accelerated and approached the young jogger, longing for her body. Her curves and hips. Maybe if I dyed my hair blonde Jessie wouldn’t need to look elsewhere. Of course that wouldn’t change the fact that I looked anorexic compared to the women I saw on his computer.

The jogger disappeared from my view, but a part of me wanted to turn around and watch her again, comparing myself to everything about her.

I wanted to jump into Jessie’s mind and see what he would think about her.

My sweaty hand slipped around my steering wheel. I turned left onto Box Hills Parkway. The blonde woman jogged through my brain. I rubbed my temple and turned onto our street.

When I walked into our house I smelled roses.

And I didn’t feel a single butterfly. . . .

I tossed my keys on the kitchen counter and noticed dinner on the table. Steam rose from a pile of mashed potatoes, curling through the air, up and around a nice vase of lavender roses. My favorite.

First time Jessie cooked dinner for me. And the first time a sweet gesture of his made me want to cry sad tears. I looked around the room, peered into the dining room and living room. No Jessie. I sat down at the table and shoved a fork full of potatoes in my mouth.

Jessie sat down beside me. “Hi.”

I pushed my corn into my potatoes and took another bite. Jessie bowed his head. I almost fell off of my chair. He never prayed in front of me, much less before a meal. My cheeks out-warmed the food and my appetite disappeared. I stood and walked away. Halfway down the hallway I slid my hand against the wall. Tears. Tears. No more tears. Not now.

I walked into our bedroom, flipped the light switch and stared at our bed. So many beautiful nights blew threw my mind like February wind. So cold, yet so alive. I clenched my teeth and bit my lip while I ran my fingers over the comforter. Relieving my weak legs, I climbed into bed and pulled the covers over my head. Clutching the pillow, I buried my face within its feathers. Another sob convulsed my body. Rivulets of tears wet my entire face and pillow. I hoped Jessie couldn’t hear me.

The door opened. Jessie’s swift movements awakened the silence. He changed his clothes as I inched toward the edge of the bed, as far away from his side as possible.

Sheets rustled and the bed dipped. I never noticed how much of a hill I slept on until now. Jessie’s hand touched mine. “Ally, I miss you.” His finger traced my jaw up to my ear and sent shivers down my neck. Part of me wanted to swat his hand away.

“It’s not going to be easy,” I said.

“I know, but are we going to get through this?”

I rested on my back and looked at him. The nighttime glow highlighted the white of his eyes as he brushed a hand through his hair. I loved his hair color, and couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same about my mine.

“I have to ask you something,” I said.

“Okay.”

“How many times have you looked at it? I mean, total?”

“I already told you.”

“Did you lie?”

“No.” He fidgeted under the covers, eventually landing on his back with his eyes looking toward the ceiling. Then he cleared his throat. “A lot.”

I sat up. “You lied to me.”

He shook his head.

I wanted to scream in his face. But it didn’t seem worth it. Instead, I stood and walked toward the door. “Jessie,” I turned. “You promised me. You never, ever break promises. That’s what you told me.” A single tear fell off my chin. “That’s what you said on our first real date. How, how am I supposed to believe any of your promises were real? Is this real?” I held up my left hand and pointed to my wedding ring. “Was any of it real?”

Jessie stood, hands at his sides, eyes glistening. “You know it was real. I don’t need to tell you that.”

“How could I believe you even if you did tell me?” I walked out of the bedroom and down the hallway.

His footsteps echoed mine.

I looked at the ceiling in the hallway. “Please leave me alone.”

“I can’t. You’re my wife. We need to talk this out.”

I turned. “I need some time to myself, to sort through all this.”

“There’s no textbook answer to this one, Ally. You need to talk to me. We have to work through this together.”

Easy for him to say.

I walked down the hallway to the top of the stairs. The wooden railing beckoned me to run my hand down its back, like I did so many times before. But my heart wanted to turn around and feel Jessie’s hand on the small of my own back. Part of me wanted to erase all of the pain and find our love again, but I couldn’t get over his dishonesty. I walked down the steps, hands at my sides.

“You always thought I was so perfect,” Jessie said, trailing behind me. “I thought if I told you that you’d think less of me. And all those guys you counsel, and your dad, I mean, I didn’t want to be categorized as one of them. I wanted to be perfect in your eyes.” He paused. “Ally, please. Give me another chance.”

“I did. And you lied.”

I walked into the living room, Jessie still behind me. Shadows of tree branches floated across the walls, pointing to pictures of a once happy couple. I sunk into the couch and curled up on my side.

Jessie sat down beside my feet. I stared at him, void of emotion. The scent of lavender roses fought its way to my heart. I waited, wondering what he’d say.

The wind cried, filling the dark room. I peered over the couch as a rose petal landed on the table. Life played in slow motion. If only I could’ve fast-forwarded it. If only I could’ve skipped to happily ever after. “If only I could rewind and never find out,” I said.

“If only I would have told you from day one,” Jessie said to my feet.

“If only.” A thousand sentences beginning with if only swam through the mucky waters of my heart. So many hopes and dreams. Broken. One minute I had the best marriage in the world, the next … this.

“Ally, I want to get through this. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Only one problem, I had no idea what it would take. I knew what I’d tell my clients, but . . . Jessie and me . . . this wasn’t supposed to happen to us.

“I’ve already put an accountability program on my computer. It will e-mail you all the Web sites I’ve visited in a week.”

“Thanks.” Sounded more like a question. “Jess, how many times since the day we met? Don’t lie this time. I’m serious. Get it out now and be done.”

He inhaled in slow motion. If only I could’ve found a rewind button.

“At least three times a week,” he said. “Sometimes every day.”

Pause.

The wind wept.

I stared at Jessie.

All cried out, I could only stare and hope for the nightmare to end.