Exposure (2 page)

“You can’t?” he said. “Why not?”

“I have some kind of a disorder. A panic disorder, and I haven’t been able to leave my apartment for the last six months. Acute agoraphobia, or at least that’s what the Internet diagnosed for me.”

Asher put his hand on his chin. He looked concerned. “Just for the last six months?” he said.

“Yes,” I said. “Before I became like this, well, I was quite a fun-loving, lively person. I went out a lot with my roommate.”

“So what happened to make you afraid of leaving your place?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I said. “But I’m really trying to get better.”

He carefully looked at me for a few minutes. “You know what?” he said. “I think that I might know what might help you. I mean, this won’t help you overcome your fear of outdoor spaces, but this might help you when you feel that you’re getting short of breath.”

At that, he left. “Wait right here,” he said.

In a few minutes, he was back, an inhaler in his hand. “Here,” he said. “I always have one of these on-hand in my First Aid kit. It might help you when you feel that you’re about to pass out from lack of oxygen.”

I took the inhaler and looked at him. “Thanks,” I said softly. “I thought for sure that you would have just thought that I was some kind of a freak for being so fearful about being outside.”

He smiled. “Not at all. I’ve known all kinds of people with all kinds of different issues. And if there’s one thing that I have learned, it’s that everybody reacts differently to trauma.”

I nodded my head. Trauma. That was a good word for what I went through.

“Now,” Asher said. “If I may, perhaps I could persuade you to come with me to this wicked good Chinese place that serves the best dim sum in the planet? Bring your inhaler, and, if you start to feel panic, take a quick hit. As I said, it won’t cure your underlying issue, whatever that might be, but it might help you leave this building in one piece.”

I took the inhaler and held it in my hand. I wondered if Asher was right. That perhaps I could leave the house and be in the outdoors, and all that I would need would be this inhaler.

“Thanks,” I finally said. “Um, I’ll try to go with you. I mean, I have to try, because, otherwise, you’re going to be stuck with me in your place for the time being.”

He smiled again as I melted into a pool of Jello. “That wouldn’t be so bad.” Then he leaned down and kind of growled again. “That wouldn’t be so bad at all.”

I
took deep
, cleansing breaths as I boarded the elevator car with Asher. He put his arm around me protectively, and I felt the tingles shoot through my body again. I felt like this man, somehow, someway, was able to see inside my very soul. At any rate, I felt like my entire body was crying out for his touch. This was a feeling unlike any I had ever had before.

And I just now found out this guy’s name.

I looked up, and he was smiling at me. “Okay, now, CJ, do you think that you’re going to be okay going outside? I’ll be right there next to you, and you have your trusty inhaler. I hope that this won’t be too traumatizing for you.”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, to be perfectly honest with you. After what happened this morning, I am a little bit scared.”

“Well, if we step outside and you feel that you’re going to pass out, then you can first take a puff off of the inhaler, and, if that’s too much, we can certainly come back inside if you like.”

I looked at him quizzically. It seemed that he was completely unruffled by my limitations. Almost as if he was familiar with them.

“Thanks for being so understanding,” I said.

He said nothing, but just nodded.

The elevator made its relentless descent. As it silently passed floor after floor, my heart started racing faster and faster. I had no idea if I could do this. Even though I apparently had to do this.

At the same time, I was feeling slightly intoxicated, just being near this man. I had no idea exactly why his proximity to me was causing me so much excitement. I only knew that it was.

The effects of the intoxication that came with being close to Asher, coupled with the absolute sense of dread about going outside, made me feel slightly light-headed. But I took a puff off of the inhaler, and I could feel my lungs expand. I had to admit, this inhaler did help quite a bit.

Asher was smiling at me. “We’re almost there,” he said.

“I know.” I couldn’t eke out any other words. I was that terrified.

The elevator finally came to a stop in the elaborate lobby of his building. I looked around me and was astounded at the opulence. The thirty-foot ceilings were adorned with a colorful mural, which reminded me of being in the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. There was a peaceful fountain in the middle of the space, and parts of the lobby resembled an atrium. Lush plants abounded. I almost imagined that I would hear birds rushing through the trees and plants. The floors were made of marble.

I thought about my own dingy lobby and shook my head. This entire encounter was getting stranger and stranger by the second.

But, at the same time, I had never felt more alive.

We got to the front door that held the key to me possibly getting my life back. On the other hand, it might also be the cause of my undoing. If I couldn’t leave, then what? I couldn’t just stay with this guy. I doubt that he would like that. Not to mention, there was still the problem of my being able to earn a living. If I couldn’t go outside, then I couldn’t work.

I took deep, cleansing breaths. In and out, in and out. I stood there, with Asher holding my hand, waiting patiently. One shaking hand flew into my pocket, and brought out the inhaler. I blinked my eyes rapidly, and tried to will my pounding heart to slow down.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know how I’m going to leave, either.” I eyed the opulent couch in the middle of the lobby, and contemplated how it would look if I just decided to live right there in the middle of the lobby. I supposed that the well-heeled residents wouldn’t take too kindly to me hanging around there, especially since, in my jean skirt, Doc Martens and ratty sweater, I definitely didn’t belong there.

I didn’t know what choice I had, though.

I fought back tears. “I don’t know what I’m going to do, Asher.”

He looked at me sympathetically. “Let’s go over to the couch, shall we? Just for a minute or so.”

I nodded my head, and he led me, by my hand, to the leather couch. We sat down, and he took my hand. “Now, CJ, I know that this is going to sound cliché, but it’s really mind over matter. What’s the worst that can happen if you go outside? Think about that, and then try to replace that thought with something more realistic.”

My breathing started coming faster and faster, and the squeezing in my chest was intensifying. I could barely answer him. “Somebody bad might be out there. Waiting for me. He might take something from me. Something very precious.”

Asher nodded his head. “And this bad person – does he stay around here?”

I shook my head. “No. He doesn’t. He’s in Brooklyn.” Then I regretted saying that. That was specific information, and Asher might be clued into the fact that a specific traumatic incident happened to me, and might want me to tell him about it.

I couldn’t tell him. I barely knew him. And, besides, I couldn’t talk about this to anybody. I just knew that anybody who found out about this would think that I was a horrible, horrible person who was beyond redemption.

I looked into his crystalline, yet understanding, blue eyes, and knew that I couldn’t have him thinking the worst about me. He couldn’t start to think about me the same way that I thought about myself.

“Brooklyn,” he said, suppressing a smile. “We’re a good ways away from there right now.”

I shook my head. “Not far enough. And, besides, there are others out there like this bad person. They might be waiting for me outside.”

He nodded his head. “Okay, now, perhaps I can make you feel safer. I have a Black Belt in Karate. I can defend you against any attack. I know that you don’t really know me, but I hope that you feel that you can trust me. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

Those words rang through in my ears.
I won’t let anything bad happen to you.
I looked into those blue eyes, and I knew that I could trust him. Now, if I could only learn to trust myself.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s go outside.”

We stepped outside, and the evening was cool and mild. There were familiar sounds on the sidewalk, and the sounds that I heard felt comforting. The sounds of cars driving on the slick roadway, as it had apparently rained earlier. The sounds of barking dogs and people chatting on cell phones.

Still, I felt that I couldn’t step any further than the sidewalk right in front of his building. My legs felt as if they were made of lead. I tried to ignore the pounding of my heart and I willed my legs to keep me up.
Just keep standing, CJ, and keep breathing. Just keep standing and keep breathing.
All at once, I wasn’t aware of where I was. I wasn’t aware of Asher’s presence beside me, or of the traffic on the street or other sounds. I started to feel as if the world was spinning off its axis, and I was in danger of hurtling helplessly through space.

I finally came back to reality, and I looked at my tremulous hands, which were gripping Asher’s own. It looked as if I was going to cut off his circulation. I looked at his face, and he showed no sign of impatience or pity. Just a look of understanding. He nodded his head at me. “How are you feeling?”

“I, I, I don’t know. I mean, I’m still standing, so that’s a good sign, isn’t it?” I looked down the street. “How far is it to this place?”

“Two blocks,” he said. “Now, we can stand here for as long as you want. You might want to just stand there for a few minutes and try to calm yourself if you start to feel panicky again. It might help you to know that the building is so close, so you have safety at hand.”

I looked at the door of his building, and realized that Asher was right. Since the safety of the indoors was so close, I was able to calm myself within a few minutes. I finally nodded. “Okay, I’m ready to walk to this place. I think.” I tried desperately to quell the feeling of dread that was bubbling up at the thought of leaving the safety of Asher’s building far behind.

I put one foot in front of the other slowly. I tried not to turn around and see Asher’s building fading into the background as we got further and further away from it. All I tried to concentrate on was putting one foot in front of the other.

We got about fifty feet away from the building, when Asher stopped and looked at me. “Okay, CJ, how are you feeling?”

I nodded my head and said nothing. I finally just croaked out “okay, let’s keep going.” I was feeling a mixture of panic, encouragement and adoration for this gorgeous man. Two of the emotions were extremely positive, so they almost outweighed the extremely negative emotion of panic.

Almost.

I ignored my pounding heart and shaking limbs as we eventually made our way to the restaurant in question. We walked in and were immediately showed to a table. Both of us sat down, and Asher inquired about what I wanted to drink. “I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a neat martini. How about you?”

“Um, yes, that sounds good. Get one for me as well.”

With a smile, he asked the waitress to bring two neat Tanqueray martinis. “And we’ll order food when you bring our drinks,” he said to the waitress. She bowed her head and disappeared.

I looked around the decorative restaurant. The walls were red with gold trim and Chinese murals filled the space. All around us were patrons eating with chopsticks and talking to one another. Even though it was around 8 PM, the place was packed.

Since I was indoors, my breathing was returning to normal, as was my heart rate. With each cleansing breath, I could feel myself calming down considerably. And it certainly did help to have Asher’s gorgeous and understanding face across from me.

When the drinks arrived, Asher asked me what I wanted, and I told him that I was in the mood for some Peking duck. So, he ordered that for me, and some Moo Shoo shrimp for himself.

“Now,” he said. “We’re here, and you are starting to look relaxed. We have two amazing martinis on the way. Seems like this is a good time to try to get to know one another.”

“Yes, it does seem like that.”

“I’m sure you’re curious about me,” he said. “So, fire your questions away. I’ll be as honest as I can with you.”

“There is one thing that I’m curious about,” I said.

“And what’s that?”

“You seem so…skilled in what to do to help me in my panic situation. Do you have some kind of experience with this?”

“Actually, I do,” he said, without elaboration. “So, yes, I do know what to do to help out with that type of thing. In fact, when I first saw you on the street yesterday, I recognized what was happening. I’m very sorry that my driver got confused, though. He’s new to this country and doesn’t understand English all that well yet. But I must say that I was pleasantly surprised by you today.”

I rapped my chopsticks against the table as I contemplated my next question. Because it, too, was something that was weighing on my mind.

“Okay. Well, I’m also curious about something else,” I said.

“What’s that?”

“You almost seem like you know me. At least, that was the feeling I got from today. We haven’t met before, have we?”

“No, we haven’t met,” he said. He looked somewhat uncomfortable about that question, though, so I wondered what he was hiding.

I just looked at him, waiting for him to contradict that last statement, or, at the very least, elaborate on it. He finally did.

“We haven’t met. But I know about you, of course. I follow the news.”

Of course. As if he wouldn’t know about what had happened to me. Everyone in the city knew what had happened to me. Why would this intelligent man be any different? Turns out that he knew my greatest shame after all. I wondered if he was looking at me and thinking about what a horrible person I really was.

I also instantly regretted my strong erotic feelings that were raging through my body. I had thought that he desired me back in his apartment, but it turned out that he probably was just feeling sorry for me.

“Oh, okay, well, that explains it,” I said.

He was looking at me quizzically. “Well, I had to address the elephant in the room. I know about what had happened to you, but that’s not the reason why I kissed you back at my place. If that’s what you’re thinking.”

“That actually was what I was thinking.”

He lowered his voice, and what he said next got my panties dripping again. “I kissed you back there because I couldn’t not kiss you. I find you incredibly sexy and you make me amazingly hard. Sorry for being so direct, but that’s how I roll.”

I looked into that gorgeous face, feeling as if I suddenly had gone down the looking glass. He was well-dressed, clean-cut and he commanded attention wherever he went. He commanded attention because of the way that he looked and also because of the way that he carried himself. He moved as gracefully as a panther, with an air of confidence that was greater than anybody I had ever encountered.

At the moment, I was directly opposite of him. My Doc Martens were in contrast to his Armani shoes. My ratty sweater and jean skirt were in juxtaposition to his dress shirt and dress slacks. He had on a tie when he saw me earlier, and a jacket, but he had removed them both. Nevertheless, he exuded money and breeding.

Not that I was plain or homely. In contrast, men usually did find me attractive. Many of the guys I met have commented on the pleasing contrast between my pale skin, dark (almost black) hair, and my light eyes. I used to keep myself fit and trim with a daily run, until the incident, but I still had been able to keep up my fitness by setting up a used NordicTrack in my bedroom. Scarlett had helpfully brought it home to me one day, saying that she found it on a curb. It worked surprisingly well for being a cast-off.

So, I wasn’t unattractive. I just didn’t feel that I was necessarily a match for such a magnificent man as this Asher seemed to be.

Yet, I looked into his blue eyes, and I saw a hunger there. There was genuine desire burning, white hot, behind those piercing eyes. I inwardly felt myself flushing as I nervously brought my martini to my lips. His penetrating eyes were following my mouth as I sipped my martini, and his expression told me that he wanted to devour it with his tongue.

I took courage in my drink, and courage in his evident desire for me. For whatever reason, this man and I were drawn to each other, almost as if we were melded to one another. It was inexplicable, it was random, yet it was real.