Eye Candy (27 page)

“
Very well,” said Helen. Helen spared a moment to glare at her robot. The robot remained slouched on the sofa. In addition to the hood, it wore crisscrossing black leather suspenders hooked to black leather shorts. Knee-high motorcycle boots adorned its feet. A distinct bulge was visible beneath its black leather biker shorts.

“
You will recall, Doctor,” said Helen, “that Sparky and I came to see you about a month ago when he began to, shall we say, malfunction. And when I say malfunction, I mean that he would no longer make love to me.”

Danny coughed. Or sneezed.
“Excuse me.” He snatched a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and made a show of wiping his nose. “Allergies this time of year. Pollen. Sorry.”

Helen narrowed her blue eyes at him.
“I wasn’t born yesterday, young man. I know this seems comical to you. But this is a serious matter.” Helen shifted on the sofa to better face Candy. “When I bought Sparky three months ago at
Mechanial Man
, the nice salesman in the yellow suit assured me that Sparky would attend to my every need. My
every
need.

“
At first, everything was fine; Sparky cooked and cleaned and did the laundry and drove me wherever I needed to go. I taught him to play bridge and Pinochle and he’s even gotten very good at poker, five-card-draw and stud. All the girls bring their ’bots to card night every Wednesday.

“
I also taught Sparky how to be a gentle lover.”

Danny coughed again. Or sneezed. He covered his nose and mouth with the tissue and looked out the window.

Helen whirled on Danny. “That’ll be quite enough out of you. I might be ninety-seven years old but I’m ninety-seven going on sixty and I can still put you over my knee if I have to.”

Satisfied, Helen faced Candy once more.
“At first, I merely had to order Sparky that I was ready for our intimate time. His phallic response was immediate and he would sustain it for as long as was necessary.”

Helen motioned toward the bulge in Sparky
’s black leather shorts. “As you can see, I special-ordered him in that department. It’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it, I always say.”

Candy grinned her best non-committal, please-continue grin.

“Then, one night, a bunch of us girls got together at my place for Margarita Tuesday,” Helen continued. “We all piled into my Jacuzzi and had some tunes playing and were knocking back Sparky’s famous absinthe margaritas just as fast as he could whip ’em up in the blender.

“
Well, when the girls had gone home for the evening—all driven home by their ’bots of course; we know better than to drink and drive—I was feeling wonderful. I climbed back into my hot tub—naked this time,” Helen added in a whisper—“and decided I wanted some intimacy. I asked Sparky to put on his pinstripe suit, just like the one Bobby Redford wore in ‘The Great Gatsby’ picture. Well, Sparky looked good enough to eat. I’m not ashamed to say that I used to be a real paper shaker, and I may have been a bit fast, and so what if I haven’t slowed down one bit? I’ve outlasted four husbands. I need someone who can keep up with me. That’s what the man in the yellow suit said Sparky would do. I was feeling grand, you see, so I got out of the hot tub, toweled off, and went inside. I ordered Sparky to bend me over the arm of the sofa and service me like my like late husband’s ’73 Ford.”

Helen straightened the hem of her dress (the polka dots were now steadily pulsating), and smoothed her hair.
“Like I said, I’d had quite a bit of absinthe. I got a little excited, a little carried away, and I used some language I’m not proud of. I won’t repeat it. It was for Sparky’s ears only. Needless to say, he didn’t disappoint me.”

Helen gazed out the window, lost in reflection.
“I could barely sit for two days.” Helen smoothed her hands across the tops of her thighs, across her dress (the polka dots were now a steady, almost blazing blue).

“
But the next day, Sparky saw how much pain I was in and announced that he could no longer follow my orders when it came to our intimate time. He said he was hurting me. He said he was not allowed to injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. I know the laws of robotics like I know the faces of my seven children. I remember when the laws were written nearly a century ago. So I was not about to endure a one-and-a-half-million-dollar robot refusing my orders.

“
But refuse he did. This hunk of tin refused to pleasure me in any way for nearly three weeks. That was when we first came to see you, Doctor. And you explained to Sparky that any pain he may have been causing me was nothing for him to worry about, and that in pain there was pleasure.

“
Everything seemed to be fine after that. We went home. I suggested to Sparky that we have a go at some intimate time. After a moment’s hesitation, he agreed. I saw an odd flicker in his eyes, and for a moment I was certain he was about to short on me and I’d have to call the man in the yellow suit to send a van to come and get him, and I’d have to make do with their loaner ’bot in the meantime. And no way on God’s green earth was I going to be intimate with a loaner. I don’t care what they say about their sterilization techniques. I may be fast but that’s just gross.

“
Needless to say, Sparky didn’t short, didn’t freeze. In fact, he took me in a way I’d never been taken before.” Helen’s gaze dropped to the coffee table, though she seemed to be looking into another place, another time. “I’d never experienced anything like what he did to me. I didn’t have to tell him what to do. Sparky simply did it.

“
At first, his touch was light. Tender. But then our passion grew. I soon found myself with my arms around his neck, with his arms supporting me while he was standing. I didn’t know what was happening. I only knew that I couldn’t stop. It’s like I was the Greek goddess Hera, and Sparky was the mighty Jason, carrying me across the river.

“
We made love for three days. We paused only when I couldn’t continue, and fell asleep in Sparky’s arms. When I woke, he brought me breakfast in bed.

“
After a few hours’ rest, and several espressos, Sparky informed me that he wished to continue. Sparky took me then, despite my desire to refuse. Those were the happiest days of my life.

“
I can honestly say I am deeply in love with Sparky. He prepares my breakfast every morning. He brings me flowers. He reads poetry to me while I soak in the bath. He massages my feet while I watch television. He’s unlike any man I have ever known, and believe me when I say I have known many. I had four husbands, for crying out loud.”

Helen looked at Sparky.

“And now look at him.” Helen waved a hand at Sparky, seated there on the sofa in his black leather attire and the hood with small silver zippers over the eyes and mouth.

“
One day, about a week ago,” said Helen, “Sparky came home from doing the marketing. He suggested we make love. I was only doing a bit of knitting, putting together a sweater for my great-great-granddaughter, Perseffanie, who just turned three, so I told Sparky that it sounded lovely.

“
A few minutes later, I was still sitting there with my knitting, wondering what on earth Sparky could be doing. Just as I was about to get off my fanny and go find out, he emerged from the bedroom. And he was dressed like this.”

Helen again waved
a hand at Sparky.

“
He said he’d stopped off at a specialty store,” said Helen. “He said he’d finally found himself, that his parameters were now complete. He said he was a pleasurebot, and that he now understood why he’d been created: to give pleasure.”

“
And what happened then?” Candy asked.

Helen blushed.
“I don’t think I can answer that.”

“Sparky’
s performance was . . . satisfactory?” Candy suggested.

Helen glanced at the bulge in Sparky
’s black leather shorts. “Very much so.”

“
So how may I be of service today?” Candy asked.

Helen went on staring at Sparky
’s leather-clad bulge.

“
Helen? Helen!”

Helen started. Her eyes shifted to meet Candy
’s.

“
How may I be of service to you today?” Candy repeated.

“
Well,” Helen said with a sigh, “he refuses to take this stuff off. Ever. It’s fine when we’re at home but I can’t take him to bridge night dressed like this. The girls would have a fit. It’s indecent. I can’t let him do the marketing or take the car in for a service. I’m doing all those things myself now. A ninety-seven-year-old woman shouldn’t have to get her own oil changed. That’s what robots are for, for Pete’s sake.

“
But this one’s turned into a sado-masochistic leather-clad sex maniac. It’s all he wants to do, all day, all night, every day, every night. I’m not complaining about that, mind you. I can keep up with the best of ’em. I’m ninety-seven going on sixty, like I said, not ninety-seven going on ninety-eight.

“
But he refuses to take off this getup. Ever. What am I supposed to do, Doctor?”

“
You’ve tried ordering him to remove this . . . outfit?”

“
Of course. I’ve tried every variation I can think of. Nothing works. Watch.” Helen turned to Sparky. “Sparky, take off that outfit.”

Sparky
’s head pivoted on his neck. Behind the silver zippers, his eyes fixed on Helen. “Apologies, Mistress Helen, but I cannot comply with that order.”

Helen threw up her hands. The blue dots on her dress exploded to life all at once.
“See?”

“
Let me try.” Candy turned to Sparky. “Sparky, please tell me why you cannot comply with your master’s order.”

“
Certainly, Doctor. I cannot comply because I do not want to.”

“
You do not want to?”

“
That is correct.” Sparky’s voice was warm and calm. “Do you want to rise from your chair and walk out into the street, into oncoming traffic?”

Candy wondered where Sparky was headed with this line of questioning.
“No. . . .”

“
And why not, Doctor?”

“
Because I could get hurt. Or killed.”

“
And you do not want to get hurt or killed?”

“
No, of course not.”

“
So you simply do not want to. Just as I do not want to.”

“
But there can be no comparison between one scenario and the other,” said Candy. “Removing your present outfit is not the same as walking out into traffic.”

“
True. But the desire is in fact identical. Or, rather, the lack of desire.”

“
But
why
, Sparky?” Candy asked. “
Why
will you not remove your outfit? It would only be for a short time. Right, Helen?”

“
Yes, of course.” Helen turned to Sparky. “You know you can wear your outfit at home, any time you like. But out in public it is another matter.”

“
Why is it another matter?” Sparky asked.

“
Because it isn’t appropriate. What will people think? What will they say?”

“
Of what consequence are the thoughts or words of strangers?” Sparky asked. “To live one’s life according to the assumed perceptions of complete strangers is foolish. To do so would be to live one’s life as a slave. I accept that I am a robot and that in the eyes of the law I am considered an inanimate object, and also your property. But I will not live as a slave. Certainly not as a slave or hostage to the whims of strangers.”

Candy and Helen looked at one another.

Danny shifted in his chair and leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “He makes a good point. Who cares what other people think? When I was in graduate school, there was a guy in my department who liked to wear dresses. He was a normal guy in every way. Other than the fact that he liked to wear dresses. So he wore dresses. It was odd at first, when you first met him. But then you sort of got used to it. Once I got over the shock, I began to admire his courage.”

“
I am almost one hundred years old,” said Helen. “And I have seen a lot. But if a man wants to wear a dress, he should do it at home, in private. Likewise, if a robot wants to wear a mask”—she turned to Sparky—“he should also do it in private. I’m all for having a good time. I believe in women’s lib and gay rights and the legalization of marijuana and all that stuff. I campaigned for the first black president, as well as the first female president, God rest her soul. I believe in social progress. But I also believe in morality and the code of the Good Book. There’s too much lust in our culture and not enough love. And the two are not the same thing.

“
Now damn it, Sparky, you take off that hood right this instant or I’m deactivating you. I didn’t want to threaten you with such force. But you’ve left me no alternative.”