Authors: Maxime Valette
F My Life (4 page)
Today I found out that my assistant is now my manager. FML
Today I told my mom I was excited that my boobs were getting bigger. She told me that that’s what happens when you get fat. FML
Today my little sister and I were reading a book together, and out of nowhere she said, “I love you.” My heart melted, and I told her that I loved her, too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML
Today I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied, “It’s not the cat you should worry about.” FML
Today I drove an hour in a rainstorm to see my boyfriend. Thirty minutes and a blow job later, he told me he was going to meet some friends for dinner in half an hour, then he kicked me out of his house. It was still raining. FML
Today I realized that, due to my recent loss of appetite, instead of losing weight from my thighs as I had hoped, I’ve actually been losing weight from my already-small breasts. FML
Today I found out that my girlfriend’s computer password is “i_love_mike.” My name is not Mike. FML
Today, while surfing Facebook, I noticed that someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to “single.” We’ve been dating exclusively for nine months. FML
Today I walked past a girl in the cafeteria, and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd gathered. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, “Get him away from me!” I had never met this girl. FML
Today I was at a strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up, flipped my tits, and said I had bigger ones than she did. I’m a guy. FML
Today my sweetheart came around to drop off some underwear, which I’d left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML
Today I had sex with a girl who cried out as she came, “Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me, Lord!” FML
Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner, and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man-boobs against my back. FML
Today I found out that my teacher writes descriptions next to people’s names on the class register to remind him who people are. By mistake, the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name, it said “Tubby.” FML
Today on my way to class I walked past a man handing out miniature Bibles. He proceeded to hand me one, commenting, “Here, you look like you need this.” FML
Today I told the guy I have feelings for that I’m interested in him and asked how he feels about it. He responded, “I feel fairly neutral about that.” FML
Today I caught one of my cats humping my huge dog while he was asleep. I’m sleeping with the door closed from now on. FML
Today I went to work dressed in my best outfit because my company was throwing a huge party. During the lunch break my boss said to me, “You really missed some party yesterday—it was great fun!” FML
Today I went to my boyfriend’s workplace to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I watched him look at his phone and decide not to pick up. His co-worker next to him asked who was calling. He replied, “Just this fat chick I know.” FML
Today a Girl Scout asked me to buy cookies. She looked nice, so I bought five boxes from her. She took the money and left with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that they just had rocks in them. I was scammed by a Girl Scout. FML
Today my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day, my boss fired me, handing my company car keys and laptop to my “shadow for the day” right in front of me. My mom picked me up. FML
Today I took my dog to the vet, and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners’ eating and behavior habits. FML
Today my boyfriend told me he was going to take me out somewhere special, so I called in sick to work. It turned out that he had made reservations for the restaurant I worked at. FML
Today I told my mom I loved her a lot. Her reply? “Thanks.” FML
Today I went with the girl I love to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a “keeper,” at which she laughed and said we were “just friends.” I was going to propose to her next week. FML
Today, for our eight-month anniversary, my boyfriend bought me a hideous necklace with ugly charms hanging off it. I wore it anyway and got a rash from it on the side of my neck. After seeing the rash, my boyfriend accused me of having a hickey from another guy. He broke up with me. FML
Today, when we were driving to dinner, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, “Just watching the ripples.” FML
Today I told my mom I loved her, and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML
Today my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn’t because I had a date. He told me I didn’t need to lie and to just say no next time. FML
Today, in basketball practice, my coach put us in teams to run drills. He pointed to me and said, “You, go babysit my son by the stage.” FML
Today I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my “beach body” as spring break gets closer and closer. My dad proceeded to warn me, saying, “Don’t wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean.” FML
Today I accompanied some friends to sign up at a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, “Oh, I’m not signing up.” He replied, “Out of all of you, you need it the most.” He then said he was also a nutritionist and offered a consultation. FML
Today I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me, laughing, and said, “See you in a decade.” FML
Today my mother decided she wanted the family to go on a special outing for the holidays. She asked me to drive everyone when she got home from work. Later I noticed the house was empty. The whole family, including the dog, had left without telling me. They took my car. FML
Today I woke up happy because I’d met the man of my dreams at a bar. We shared an amazing night together. I walked around my apartment, wondering where he’d gone. It turned out that not only was he gone, but so was my car. FML
Today my best friend slapped me and called me some colorful names before telling me that she never wanted to speak to me again because I supposedly slept with her boyfriend. Not only am I a virgin, but I’m also a lesbian. FML
Today, while at work at my grocery store, I sold a
ton
of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were “going to bake a giant cake.” When I got home I found that someone had egged my house. FML
Today, while visiting my grandmother at her nursing home, I was looking at pictures she had of all the grandkids. All of them were normal graduation pictures and so forth, but mine was a cutout in which she made me skinnier. FML
Today the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said, “No, I mean the boyfriend type!” FML
Today I did my work, the work of my co-worker who had called in sick, and the work of my boss, who has no idea what the hell is going on—all at the same time. I didn’t get a promotion because I don’t work hard enough. FML
Today, at a strategy session, my manager displayed a flowchart of his employees. I wasn’t included. Apparently I had been fired. They forgot to tell me. FML
Today I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my makeup done, and $50 on a pretty new dress, all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out that I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML
Today my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother’s name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said, “Sorry, wrong number,” and hung up. FML
Today my boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML
Today my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mailbox first and noticed that his Wii game had arrived. He sent me home so he could play. FML
Today I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy, asking me to the prom. I went up to him and said how excited I was to go. He said, “Oh,
you
got the note?” He took it back and slipped it into the locker next to mine. FML
Today I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend because I hadn’t seen them in months. They told me that that was a bad idea and they couldn’t fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn’t have any yet. FML
Today my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex, so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he “couldn’t be with someone who is hiding something.” WTF? FML
Today my boyfriend and I were in Victoria’s Secret. I saw a picture of a model and said, “I wish I looked like that.” He sighed and replied, “Me too.” FML
Today in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse’s office and asked, “Can I have some ice?” The nurse responded, “Oh no, what happened to your face?” FML
Today I went for a run and took my shirt off partway through. The next person I saw was a nine-year-old girl playing outside her house. She looked at me and said, “Ewwwwww! Gross!” FML
Today my girlfriend and I were fooling around, and I was just about to reach orgasm when she looked at the clock and said, “I have to go.
Lost
is on in twenty minutes.” FML
Today I went to the hair salon to cut six inches off my hair. When I got there, I decided to get my upper lip waxed for the first time. When my boyfriend came to pick me up for our date, I asked whether he noticed anything different about me. The first thing he said was “I see you got rid of your mustache.” FML
Today I came back from college and visited my parents’ house. There was a new portrait of my parents and two sisters hanging over the mantel. My mom had always wanted a family portrait, but she had always postponed having it done. The painting was dated the day after I had left for college. FML
Today I walked downstairs in a new outfit, after dieting for three months and losing just over twenty pounds. My mom took one look at me and said, “You’d better keep going.” FML
Today my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie, when he started kissing me. Things heated up, so we moved over to his bed. He was on me, when a hand shot down from the top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and wanted a high five. So they high-fived. FML
Today I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While I was doing arm exercises, he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, “Oh, it’s just fat.” FML
Today this guy I have been in love with for two years asked me into an empty classroom. He handed me a bouquet of flowers and a T-shirt on which he had silk-screened “Prom?” I said that it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. He asked if I thought that my best friend would like it. FML
