Facing the Music And Living To Talk About It (23 page)

CHAPTER TEN

THE DAY-TO-DAY CHALLENGES & REWARDS

M
Y GRANDPA, DOUG
Spaulding, my mother’s father, was my biggest role model as a boy. I really looked up to him more and more after I became committed to bettering my life. Sadly, on January 4, 2013, as I was working on this very chapter, he passed away from emphysema at the age of 79.

As much as we may work day in and day out to do and be our best, we can’t expect to be protected from other setbacks and losses. Hard times will still hit. The hope is that we get stronger as we go, and become better equipped to deal with the challenges that arise. I realized this even more after losing my grandfather, one of the most important figures in my life.

Grandpa Spaulding was a man of many talents. He was a high school English and drama teacher, a weekly newspaper editor, host and producer of two local television shows, and an avid reader. He had thousands of books in his home. I was in awe of his library and fascinated by his elegant, scholarly ways. He loved classical music and literature, especially the work of Shakespeare.

He studied literature his entire life. He was everything I wanted to be, including an actor. He had performed in college theatre and was fondest of his role as King Lear. He also wrote and directed plays and had worked on a couple video projects with his fellow Chautauqua, New York residents, Bill and Hillary Clinton.

My grandfather often talked about the time he took me to see
Hansel and Gretel
at the Chautauqua Opera when I was three years old. He said I was so enthralled I stood up through the entire performance. Grandpa believed that show was one of my inspirations to become a performer. There is also the story of him taking me to see a live performance of
The Wizard of Oz
when I was about five years old. I was so scared of the witch, I cried.

Grandpa’s death was especially sad for me because he was the one truly thoughtful person I could call whenever I needed someone to talk to. I knew he cared about me. His love was unconditional. He would send me books to read, especially on holistic health therapies and medical breakthroughs, and we’d discuss all the things we’d learned from them.

I FEEL IT IS
IMPORTANT
TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO…

Grandpa Spaulding was amazing because his interest in learning never diminished over the years. Even in his late seventies, he was constantly on the Internet looking up things on Google, always seeking new information. I respected his hunger for knowledge. He helped motivate me to keep learning and expanding my understanding of the world. He was so smart. Every time we visited or talked, I wanted to soak up as much from him as I could.

I feel it is important to have someone to look up to whether it’s a respected friend, a parent or grandparent, or maybe even an older sibling. We can’t choose which people cross our paths in life, but we can choose which ones to associate with and learn from. I encourage you to look for the kind of positive people who will inspire you and make you want to be the best at whatever you do.

My grandfather is the person who introduced me to a saying by Benjamin Franklin that has stayed with me: “If you lie down with dogs, you’ll get up with fleas.” In other words, the people you hang out with ultimately have an impact on you, so you should choose your friends and mentors wisely. Grandma Spaulding told me recently that my grandpa was my biggest fan, but little did he know I was
his
biggest fan. I will miss him. Before he died, I told him that I would make him proud and that I’d also make sure people remembered him. I want to live up to his example. I want to be as good a man as he was, and I want to serve as a role model for others, the way he served as mine.

THE REWARDS OF A BETTER LIFE

One of the cool things about trying to be as good as my Grandpa Spaulding is that I’m now feeling things I hadn’t felt while binge drinking, doing drugs, popping pills, and partying every night.

For instance, the other day someone asked me the usual question, “How’s it going Nick?”

“Great!” I said. “My life is going great.”

And for the first time in many years, I meant it from my heart and soul.

How many times do we answer that sort of question on automatic pilot, saying what we think we ought to say but not feeling it? Well, I’m definitely feeling it like never before.

I’ve experienced what it’s like to be in a depressing downward spiral where bad things just seem to mount until it feels like the weight of the world and maybe the entire universe is on your back. Now, I’m in a different kind of whirlwind, a positive upward sweep. I’m healthy and happy, and good things seem to keep coming my way.

NOW, I’M IN A DIFFERENT KIND OF WHIRLWIND,
A POSITIVE
UPWARD SWEEP.

I’ve noticed that people who used to avoid me when I was in the dumps are coming back around now. In my dark days, strangers offered me drugs or shots of booze. Now strangers offer me opportunities, book deals, movie deals, and record deals. I like these
dealers
better. There’s more of a future for me in what they offer. There was no future in the other life I led.

Bad things still happen, of course. There are still conflicts and challenges to deal with each and every day, but now I’m in a much better position to overcome them and to find solutions that don’t add to my problems. For many years, I played the victim—or just as bad, I played the blame game. But fortunately I’m out of those roles and games for good.

Now, I’m into forgiveness and gratitude. One of the things I’ve discovered in my efforts to build a better life is that alcohol and drugs weren’t the worst poisons I was putting into my body. The anger, resentment, and bitterness that I harbored for my parents and a few others—even for myself sometimes—was toxic.

When you allow those negative emotions to dominate your thoughts and control your actions over long periods, they trigger stress, which releases chemicals in your body that can do every bit as much damage as alcohol and drugs. They compromise your immune system, raise your blood pressure, weaken your heart, and cause all sorts of other physical problems.

Maybe even worse, bottled up anger, bitterness and resentment toward just one person could poison
all
of your relationships. Those negative feelings are so volatile that they limit your ability to trust, empathize, and communicate effectively, even with those you love the most. When you assume the part of the victim, you tend to see everyone around you as a victimizer. When you play the blame game, you tend to dodge responsibility for your own actions and for your own happiness.

The cure for victimization and blame is forgiveness. I used to reject that idea because I didn’t want to do any favors for people who’d hurt me. Then it was pointed out to me that you don’t forgive people for their sake, you do it for yourself. Forgiveness frees you from anger, bitterness and resentment. It allows you to stop living in the past and clears the path for you to live for the future instead.

THE CURE FOR
VICTIMIZATION
AND BLAME IS FORGIVENESS.

At first, you may not be able to forgive someone who has done something terrible to you. That can be a big step. Instead, try a smaller one. Forgive someone who has hurt you just a little: Maybe the guy who stole your parking space at the mall? Or the co-worker who asked if you’d put on weight over the holidays? Start small and see what it feels like.

If the person you need to forgive isn’t a loved one or a valued friend, you can look at it this way: forgiving that person makes him or her less important to you. A friend of mine describes these hurtful, but unimportant people as
scenery in my life
. They are there, but you don’t have to pay much attention to them. You don’t give them any power over you or your emotions.

Forgiving a loved one or a valued friend is trickier, but more important. I don’t claim to be a master of this yet. I’m still working on it. Those loved ones have the power to hurt you the most because you care about them so much. For this reason, forgiving them may have to be done in stages. First you forgive them just for your own sake. You don’t want what they did to have a lasting and far-reaching effect on your life. It’s like disarming a bomb. If you don’t take away its explosive power, you’ll never know when it will go off or what damage it will wreak when it does erupt.

I DON’T TRY TO ERASE THE MEMORY OF THE
BAD THINGS
I’VE DONE.

As time passes and your ability to forgive grows and strengthens, you can work on forgiving loved ones or friends for their sakes too. No one is saying you have to forget what someone did to you, but having that person back in your life in a positive way could benefit you both.

Of course, forgiveness is also a gift you give yourself. I’ve had to work on acknowledging and accepting this truth, too. I’ve already told you that for a long time I didn’t feel worthy of success as a performer. Well, I didn’t feel worthy of forgiveness either. While you’ve read about many of my biggest mistakes and misjudgments there are still others in my past I haven’t shared, and I’m sure there will be even more down the road.

With help, I’ve learned to be more forgiving of myself. I don’t try to erase the memory of the bad things I’ve done. I want to learn from them and remember them so that I can avoid making the same mistakes again and again. I’m slowly getting better and granting myself forgiveness for each of these offenses, one at a time. I’m learning to see mistakes and failures as opportunities to learn and grow.

SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE

This brings us to the second powerful tool I’ve found. Gratitude has amazing powers because it can shift your entire perspective. An attitude of gratitude can take a negative, aggravating, and stressful experience and turn it into a meaningful and positive one.

Here’s an example: We were recently working in the studio on our latest album when gratitude altered the entire event for me. I was feeling overwhelmed and run down. Recording an album has sometimes been likened to making sausage; it can be a bloody mess that’s not much fun to watch even if the end result is awesome. You often have to sing entire songs and bits of songs over and over again just to get the right sound on tape. Then there are usually hours upon hours of trying different arrangements, adding this instrument, tweaking that chorus or deleting a solo. It can be mind-numbing waiting for it all to come together.

THAT’S THE MAGIC OF
GRATITUDE
.

So, I was sitting there with my head down on the counter top, feeling exhausted, when the engineer finally played the song we’d been working on all night. It sounded amazing. In that very moment, I felt this tidal wave of gratitude. It hit me that I was really living the dream. Not just
my
dream, but also the dream of millions of other singers and performers. I was working on a record with some of the most talented production people in the world, surrounded by wonderful musicians and singers. What was boring or tedious or exhausting about that?

In an instant, I reframed the entire experience from something negative and draining to something very positive and empowering. That’s the magic of gratitude. Another great thing about gratitude is that you can apply it even to the challenges in your life. You don’t have to like it when you get fired or when you are turned down for a promotion. You won’t be thrilled either when someone disappoints you or lies to you. But you can be grateful for the opportunities that come with every challenge. Maybe being fired or turned down for a promotion will lead to something bigger and better. Maybe being disappointed or lied to by someone will lead to your finding another person who is more supportive and reliable.

STEPPING STONES

In this final chapter, my goal is to help you see the power of forgiveness and gratitude when applied to your own life. When you use them on a daily basis, you will feel lighter, unburdened, and energized. The path to a better life is taken step by step, day by day. I’ve made this point throughout the book, but here it is one last time: You won’t change lifelong patterns overnight. You especially don’t cure alcohol or drug addiction easily. True addiction is a disease and you probably won’t ever feel like you’ve been cured, but you can become skilled at managing it.

What you can do is take life and its challenges one day at a time. You do this by replacing the negative thoughts, the addictive cravings and bad impulses with more positive payoffs and activities. These days, when I feel frustrated or overloaded, I don’t hit the bars. I hit the gym, the beach, or the studio. I work to replace the detrimental attitudes and habits that limited me or tore me down with new constructive versions that build me up and open the door to better experiences.

YOU WON’T CHANGE
LIFELONG PATTERNS
OVERNIGHT.

Yes, it’s a daily struggle. And yes, it’s worth it. Even the simple things seem better. As I mentioned earlier, I just started playing basketball again, and I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed the game more. I have loved the sport ever since I was very young, but when I was overweight, drinking and doing drugs, there was no joy in it for me. I pretty much quit playing. In that time, I forgot how much it meant to me.

Now I play with a group of street-ballers who share my love for the game. They are serious playground athletes with amazing talent. After a couple of hours on the court with them, I can hardly walk, but man the endorphins are flowing and as tired as I am, I feel like a million bucks. The strange thing is that all of that exercise energizes me, and when I wake up the next day, I feel good about myself. That never happened when I spent the previous day or night—or both—out partying. Back then, I’d always felt guilty, like I was wasting my life and destroying my mind and body, which, of course, I was.

I’m not saying that the craving for alcohol doesn’t still hit me, but more and more I feel my body craving exercise and my hope is that one day, the good will replace the bad entirely. Something else I’ve noticed: When you feel healthier, more alert mentally, and more engaged in life, you seem to put some sort of aura or vibe out in the world that draws similar people to you.