Fade (21 page)

Her eyes flash angrily as she squints at her watch. “What? Stop changing

the subject. You have one minute to say it"s not because they touched

me. Is it? Is that really it, Cabe? They touched me, and now I"m violated,

and you can"t stand to think of being with me again?”

“Oh god. You"re serious?”

Janie"s voice pitches higher. “Thirty seconds.”

“Would you even believe me if I said it?” He"s breathing hard. Stands

abruptly and turns his back to her. His fingers rake through his hair.

“Fifteen seconds.” Janie"s voice is even, now. She stands up to leave.

He whirls around and grabs her arm. Pulls her to him. Kisses her hard,

tangling his fingers in her hair. His tongue darts into her mouth and finds

hers, tasting her, an oasis in the desert, his body urgently pressing

against hers as his hands caress her neck.

Janie stands frozen for a moment, and then she moans and reaches for

him. Cabel slips her coat off her shoulders, and it falls to the floor, and

he lifts her up, holds her until she wraps her legs around his waist. His

lips move to her neck and strain at the buttons of her shirt.

“Time"s up,” she says, gasping.

He lifts his lips from her skin. Runs his hand over her body. A button

falls to the floor, bounces, and rolls under the chair. He walks, with her

still attached, to the couch and sits with her on his lap. “Janie. Oh god, I

can"t do it,” he whispers, and holds her tightly. Squeezes her. Just like

she loves. “Janie,” he says again. “I"m so messed up. Such an idiot. I"m

sorry. No. I mean, the answer is no, it"s not because they touched you. I

just didn"t know if I could handle this. You"re too…I don"t know. You"re dangerous! I couldn"t handle it. Couldn"t handle loving you.”

“What the heck does that mean? You didn"t seem to have a problem

being in love before. What happened?”

He gives her a miserable look. “What if I love you, give you everything

I have inside me, open my heart up, and something horrible happens?

What if you
did
get raped? It would change you so much, Janie. Change

you forever. What if you get sucked into a dream while you"re driving

again? Have you thought through the consequences? To you? To others?

To me, for god"s sake. Janie, my father—He lit me. On. Fire. In that

instant everything changed. I became a different person. Crap like that

changes you. It scarred me, fucked up my life,” he says. “In a bunch of

ways.” Cabel fingers the scars through his shirt as he talks. “I haven"t let

anybody inside since then, except for you. It"s hard, Janie. It feels impossible. And then you go off being all reckless and shit….” He takes

a breath. “I needed safe, but I fell in love with you. Now I"m having a

really shitty time dealing with the thought that something could happen

to you. That you could change too. And I"d lose you.”

Janie, jaw dropped, blinks. “You have a really funny way of showing it.”

“I know. I…I"m fucked up. I thought it would be easier this way, you

know? To take a break. It"s just…It isn"t…” He struggles for words.

“This is intense, Janie. It scares the hell out of me. I wanted you to be

my safe thing. No serious risks; just some simple dream stuff for Captain.

Nothing like what you went through with Durbin! I mean, who the hell

thought
that
would be your next assignment? God, wonder what comes

next…”

“So you broke up with me because you couldn"t handle it if I changed or

got hurt or left you. Is that what you"re saying? Doesn"t everyone have

to take that risk? Do you still love me or don"t you?” Janie"s lip quivers.

She thinks about all the changes that will be happening to her in the next

years, and feels Cabel slipping away again.

“I"m saying I love you and I"m still learning…. I want to learn how to

deal with that. All I know is that I thought this break would help, but all

it"s doing is making me batshit crazy.” Cabel pauses. Smiles weakly.

“So, um, can you please just not do anything dangerous? Isn"t life bad

enough when you can"t control what the nightmares do to you?

Do you

really have to take even more risks?”

Janie smiles ruefully. She wraps her arms around his neck and rests her

head on his shoulder. Thinking. “What if I do get hurt? Or if something…happens to me. Will you stop loving me?” she asks quietly.

“How could I?” Cabel strokes her hair. “But I have to learn how to handle the feelings that come with that. I"m just not used to caring about

something, about someone, so much that it hurts. Not like this.”

Janie is quiet, thoughtful. “Did you know that you were the first person I

ever remember saying „I love you" to? I don"t even remember saying it

to my mother. Which is really sad.”

“I didn"t know,” he says. He lets his head fall back on the couch and

takes a deep breath. Lets it out. “Do you still love me, Janie?”

Janie stares at him, incredulous. “Yes, of course! I don"t say it lightly.”

“Say it lightly in my ear,” he demands.

She smiles, rests her soft cheek on his scratchy one, and whispers it. “I

love you, Cabe.”

They sit, holding each other. And then Cabel asks her, “Truth or dare?”

Janie blinks. “Do I really have an option here?”

“No,” Cabel says. “Okay, um…” Takes a deep breath. “What"s happening to you, Janie? I just…I need to know. Please.” He shifts her,

so he can see her eyes.

They fill with tears.

He straightens her glasses and takes a deep breath. “Tell me,” he says.

Janie bites her lip. “Nothing, Cabe. I"m fine.” She can"t look at him.

Cabel rips his fingers through his hair. “Just…just say it. Get it out there,

so we can deal with it. You"re going blind from all the dreams, aren"t

you.”

Janie blinks. Her lips part in surprise.

He touches her cheek, stroking it with his thumb.

“What…how…?” she begins.

“You squint, even with your glasses on. You get headaches all the time.

Bright light bothers you. It takes you longer to get your sight back after

each dream you get sucked into.” He pauses. Anxious. “And then, in the

hospital, when you weren"t sucked into anyone"s dream, but you were

having your own nightmare, you couldn"t see when you woke up. That

was the first time for that, wasn"t it?”

She sinks back into his shoulder. Doesn"t remember that dream in the

hospital. Also doesn"t want to cry anymore. “Damn,” she says.

“You"re

a good detective.”

“How soon?” he whispers.

She presses her lips to his cheek, and then she sighs. “A few years.”

He takes in a sharp breath and slowly lets it out again. “Okay. What else,

Janie.”

She closes her eyes, resigned. “My hands,” she says. “They"ll be gnarled

and ugly and useless in fifteen years.”

He waits, stroking her back. “Anything else?” His voice is anxious.

“Not really,” she whispers. “Just…I can"t drive anymore. Ever again.”

She loses her fight with the tears. “Poor Ethel. At least she"s got a good

home now.”

He holds her, rocking, stroking her hair. “Janie,” he says after a while.

“How old was Miss Stubin when she died?”

“In her seventies.”

He breathes a sigh. “Oh. Thank god.”

“Can you deal with this, Cabel? Because if you can"t…” She chokes. “If

you can"t, tell me now.”

He looks into her eyes.

Touches her cheek.

4:22 p.m.

Cabel calls Captain.

“Komisky.”

“Sir, any chance Janie and I can be seen together now?”

“Under the circumstances, that would pretty damn much make my day,

yes. Besides, the Wilder cocaine case got settled on Monday. He pleaded

guilty.”

“You rock, sir.”

“Yes, yes, I know. Go out to a movie or something, will you?”

“Right away. Thank you.”

“And stop bothering me.”

“Good-bye, sir.”

“Take care. Both of you.”

Cabel smiles and hangs up. “Guess what.”

“What,” Janie says.

“We can go out on our first date.”

“Woo hoo!”

“And guess what else—You"re buying.”

“Me? Why?”

“Because you lost the bet.”

Janie thinks a moment. Punches Cabel in the arm. “You did not fail five

quizzes or tests!”

“I did. I have proof.”

“Shit!”

“Yep.”

DON’T LOOK BACK

May 24, 2006, 7:06 p.m.

Janie strides into the Fieldridge High School auditorium, where hundreds of parents, grandparents, brothers, and sisters are seated in

bleachers, folding chairs, and balcony seats, and waving programs near

their soppy necks in ninety-five-degree heat and humidity. It seems the

old building"s air-conditioning can"t take the pressure of another graduation ceremony.

She glances around and spots Cabel several rows behind her. He blows

an impish kiss, and she grins. Her cap"s band threatens to squeeze her

brain into mush, and she feels the sweat soaking into it. Janie looks in the other direction, scanning the audience. Some familiar

faces. Carrie"s parents sit off to the side on the wooden bleachers, and

Janie offers a small smile, even though they aren"t looking at her. Even with her newly updated prescription glasses, it"s difficult to see far

away. Colors bleed from one dress to the next. But finally Janie spots

her. It"s the bronze hair contrasted with her dark skin that helps. Sitting

next to Captain is a large man who looks like Denzel Washington, twenty years from now. His arm is spread lazily across the back of Captain"s chair. Janie can see Captain poke her husband and point. Janie

squints and smiles, and then lowers her eyes. She"s not sure why. The valedictorian takes the stage, and the crowd quiets, leaving only the

rush of flapping programs.

It"s not Cabel.

Thankfully.

He managed to pull his grades down successfully to a mere 3.93. Third

place. Enough to keep him out of the limelight. Which is all he wants,

really. Janie"s not far behind with a 3.85. She"s thrilled. There are three faculty chairs empty in the auditorium this year. Doc,

Happy, and Dumbass. Suspended without pay. Awaiting the hearing.

Janie feels a pang of sadness for those chairs.

Not for the men who sat there.

Just so we"re clear.

Even so.

They are reminders of pain and embarrassment, horror wrapped up like a

gift. Janie"s glad that box exploded.

Up at the microphone, Stacey O"Grady begins speaking. She has a

different air about her now. New, in the past few months. Reserved.

Solemn. A maturity, perhaps, or a sense of understanding that not all

things turn out the way you"d wish them to.

Janie"s mother isn"t there.

Neither is Cabel"s, but no one expected her. Although Cabel"s older

brother, Charlie, and Charlie"s wife, Megan, are somewhere in the crowd.

Expectations. It"s what they always talk about at these things. Making a

difference in the future. Striving for excellence. Blah, blah, blah. Janie wipes a drop of sweat from her forehead. Looks around as Stacey

says from the podium, “The best years are yet to come,” and Janie

watches the room explode in applause.

Janie doesn"t join them.

The ominous words ring in her ears.

ı

The crowd of seniors stands and, one by one, over the course of an hour,

their names are called. Janie steps carefully across the stage, prays that

the little sleeping baby nearby doesn"t dream yet, and takes her diploma.

Shakes hands with Abernethy. Moves her tassel over to the other side.

Walks lightly down the stage stairs and back to her folding chair to wait.

When the stage is silent and Principal Abernethy gives one last word of

congratulations, the hats fly and the voices around Janie rise to fill the

auditorium. Janie takes her hat off her head and tucks it under her arm,

waiting, waiting. Waiting to be done. So she can say good-bye to this

place, once and for all.

ı

When the madhouse clears, she"s still standing there. Only a few lingerers remain in the building that now feels like a rain forest after a

downpour. She walks slowly down the aisle toward the exit steps, where

she"ll meet Cabel and whoever else he"s schmoozing with. But for now,

she is alone.

The custodian comes by with a broom, and he smiles at her. Janie nods

and smiles in return, and he begins sweeping the wood-floored aisles

that most often serve as a basketball court. And then the lights fade a bit.

Janie blinks and leans against the wall, just in case. But it"s no one"s dream.

It"s just the end of some things.

And the beginning of others.