Fade (9 page)

for the rest of your life. Please consider this in all seriousness. What you

are about to read contains much more dread than delight. I"m sorry to say I can"t make the decision for you. Nor can anyone else.

You must do it alone. Please don"t put the responsibility on others"

shoulders. It will ruin them.

Whatever you decide, you are in for a long, hard ride. I bid you no regrets. Think about it. Have confidence in your decision, whatever you

choose.

Good luck, friend.

Martha Stubin, Dream Catcher

Janie feels her stomach churning.

She slides the notebook off her lap.

Closes it.

Stares at the wall, barely able to breathe. Buries her head in her hands.

ı

And then.

Slowly.

She picks up the notebook.

Puts it in the box.

Stacks the files on top of it.

And hides it deep in her closet.

3:33 a.m.

Janie’s falling at top speed. She looks down dizzily and Mr.
Durbin is

there, waiting for her to land. He’s laughing evilly, arms
outstretched to

catch her.

Before he can grab her, Janie swoops sideways and is sucked
into

Center Street, pulled through the air to the park bench and
deposited

there. Mr. Durbin is gone.

Next to the bench, in her wheelchair, sits Martha Stubin.

“You have questions,” Miss Stubin barks.

Janie tries to catch her breath, alarmed. She grips the bench’s
armrest.

“What’s going on?” she cries.

Miss Stubin’s gaze is vacant. A blood tear drips from the corner of
her

eye and slides slowly down her wrinkled cheek. But all she says
is,

“Let’s talk about your assignment.”

“But what about the green notebook?” Janie grows frantic.

“There is no green notebook.”

“But…Miss Stubin!”

Miss Stubin turns her face toward Janie and cackles.
Janie looks at the woman.

And then.

Miss Stubin transforms into Mr. Durbin. Slowly his face melts until
all

that remains is a hollow skull.

ı

Janie gasps.

She breaks out into a cold sweat.

And wakes up, sitting straight up in bed and screaming. ı

Janie whips off her blankets and hops to her feet, turns on her light, and

paces between the door and the bed, trying to calm down.

“That wasn"t real,” Janie tries to convince herself. “That wasn"t Miss

Stubin. It was a nightmare. It was just a nightmare. I didn"t try to go

there.”

But now she is afraid to go to sleep.

Afraid to go back to Center Street again.

January 27, 2006

Janie"s mind is far away, inside the front cover of a green spiral notebook and dwelling on her nightmare. She walks down the school

hallways in a daze, nearly bumping into Carrie between classes with

Bashful and Doc.

“Hey, Janers, wanna hang out tonight?”

“Sure.” Janie thinks. “Um, I mean, I can"t. Sorry.”

Carrie gives her an odd look. “You okay? You"re not gonna keel over,

are you?”

Janie shakes the cobwebs from her head and grins. “Sorry. No, I"m fine.

I"ve just got my mind on other shit. Colleges and stuff. I"ve got a bunch

of junk to fill out, the house is a mess, and I"m working on a nasty headache already today.”

“Okay,” Carrie says. “I just thought you might like the latest gossip.”

She looks crestfallen. Of course, lately, Carrie only wants to hang out

with Janie if Stu is playing poker. Janie doesn"t mind being called upon

only when Carrie"s first choice is busy, though. She keeps busy enough

without Carrie hanging around all the time.

“What about Melinda?”

“Thanks,” Carrie says sarcastically, “but you don"t need to set up a

playdate for me. I can find my own things to do. I"ll catch you later.”

Janie blinks. “Whatever,” she says under her breath. And walks into Mr.

Wang"s room. He"s watching her walk in as he pretends to look at a

paper in his hands. She smiles automatically. When he doesn"t smile or

look away, she winks.

That does it.

He flushes and sits down abruptly.

ı

Third hour. Mr. Durbin"s class. Janie waits until after class to present the

flyers for the March 4 party. She takes her time packing up her table.

Soon she is the last one there. From the corner of her eye, she sees Mr.

Durbin watching her.

She pulls the flyers out and hurries up to his desk, like she doesn"t want

to be late for her next class. “Does this look all right?”

He takes them and gives an approving whistle. “Great,” he says. He

turns to her and raises his eyebrows. “I like,” he says, staring at her now.

She leans forward on his desk, just slightly. “There"s more where that

came from,” she says. “If you ever need any.”

He swallows. “I"ll have to take you up on that sometime.”

She smiles. “Gotta go.”

“Before you go,” Mr. Durbin says, “I"ve got the okay on the chem. fair

and a team of seven students, if you"re game. It"s February 20. We"ll

leave Sunday the nineteenth at noon, set up our display, stay overnight,

do the fair, and start home around six p.m. on Monday, so we only miss

one day of class. Here"s the info and permission slip for your parents to

sign. Cost is two hundred and twenty bucks, plus money for meals. You

in?”

Janie grins. “I"m in.” She takes the slip of paper from Mr. Durbin and

darts out the door before she"s late to her next class, glancing as she runs

at the list of students who will be on the Fieldridge team. Janie"s the

only one from her class who is going.

Excellent
, she thinks.

ı

Dopey, Dippy, and Dumbass are the same as always. Janie actually likes

PE now, since Cabel got her into working out. Although she could do

without Dumbass. She also adores her self-defense class she"s taking

twice a week. Sometimes Cabel lets her practice on him. Not really very often, though.

Not after she landed his ass on the floor.

PE is coed again, and Dumbass Coach Crater likes to use her as an

example for why they no longer play guys versus girls with contact

sports. It"s because she cracked Cabel"s "nads in a basketball game last

semester. On purpose.

Today, Dumbass makes them do the state-required strength tests, and

Janie takes the class record for the girls in the flexed-arm hang. Dumbass notices her muscular arms and shoulders, and calls her Buffy

as she"s hanging there. She rolls her eyes and wishes he"d stand right in

front of her. If she ever sees him on a dark street, she"ll teach him to sing,

she decides.

ı

Study hall is quiet. Janie only gets sucked into one dream, and it"s a

weak one. Not a nightmare. When she realizes it"s a sex fantasy between

two fellow seniors who she really doesn"t want to see naked, she doesn"t

stick around. She pulls herself out of it.

Smiles triumphantly.

Cabel"s watching her, and she gives him the thumbs up and flashes a

smile. He grins back.

Janie finishes all her homework for the weekend, so she jots down a few

notes about Durbin and Wang.

Correction: make that Happy and Doc.

And then she sits there. Staring into space.

Thinking about Miss Stubin and the green spiral notebook. Feeling a

sense of…well…dread.

ı

On the way home from school Janie makes a quick dash into the grocery

store to pick up some things for her house, so her mother doesn"t starve

to death, and a few personal items for the weekend. She packs an

overnight bag. Toothbrush, shampoo, and the massage oil and candles

that she got from Captain. She shoves it all in her backpack and heads

over to Cabel"s, leaving her mother a note on where to find her if she

needs anything.

They work out, shower, and then lounge side by side in the giant beanbag chair and talk about the day. But Janie"s having trouble keeping

her mind on topic. She grows quiet, thinking about the green notebook

and the assignment from Captain.

Cabel notices.

“Where are you?” he says after a while.

Janie startles. Smiles at Cabel. “I"m sorry, sweets—I"m here.” But she"s

not really there. She"s going over the Durbin/Stubin dream in her head,

now more convinced it was a nightmare and not really a visit from Miss

Stubin.

Cabel sits up quietly. Watches her face. Clears his throat. Janie sees him suddenly, the one guy she wants to be with—and is with

for the whole weekend—hovering over her. She shakes the thoughts of

creepy nightmare Durbin from her brain and tilts her head to the side,

grinning. “Oops. I did it again.”

Cabel gives her a quizzical look. “I am totally not getting enough attention here.”

Janie thumbs his cheek. Pulls his face to hers and kisses him, her tongue

darting across his teeth playfully until she coaxes him to play along.

A surge of something—love?—makes Janie"s skin tingle. But it scares

her, too, when she thinks of her future, always with this dream curse

hanging over her. She never thought she"d be with someone. Never

imagined someone would sacrifice so much to deal with her strange

problems. Wonders when Cabel will get tired of it all and give up on

her.

Desperately she pushes that thought aside. Her lips are hot against his

neck.

She tugs at his T-shirt and slips her quivering fingers under it, re-exploring Cabel"s nubbly skin. Touching the scars on his belly, his

chest. She knows that Cabel feels the same way she does, sometimes—like no one would want to be with him because of his issues.
Maybe the two of us really could last
, Janie thinks.
Misfits,
united.

Cabel"s fingers trace a slow path from Janie"s shoulder to her hip as they

kiss. Then he slips his shirt over his head and tosses it aside. Presses

against her. “That"s a little better,” he whispers in her ear.

“Only a little?”

The winter dusk of late afternoon falls into the room. Janie reaches for

her blouse and slowly unbuttons it. Lets it fall open. Cabel pauses and stares, not sure what to do. He closes his eyes for a

moment and swallows hard.

She reaches between her breasts and unhooks her bra. And then she turns her face slowly toward him. “Cabel?” She looks into

his eyes.

“Yes,” he whispers. He can barely get the word out.

“I want you to touch me,” she says, taking his hand and guiding it.

“Okay?”

“Oh god.”

She pulls a newly purchased condom from her pocket. Sets the package on the skin of her belly.

Reaches for his jeans.

Cabel, momentarily rendered speechless, helpless, and thoughtless

except for wanting her, sighs in shudders as he touches her skin, her

breasts, her thighs, and then, as the light fades from the window, they are

kissing as if their lives depend on their shared breath, and urgently

making love for the first time, with their eyes and bodies, like it"s the

only chance they"ll ever have.

ı

In the evening, as they lie together in Cabel"s bed, she knows it"s time.

Before she reads the green notebook, before what happens, happens, she

needs to say what she feels. Because he is the only one who matters.

She practices in her mind.

Forms the words with her mouth.

Then tries them, softly, out loud.

ı

“I love you, Cabe.”

ı

He"s quiet, and she wonders if he"s sleeping.

But then he buries his face in her neck.

February 1, 2006

Janie spends the school week swapping sexual innuendos with Mr.

Durbin, trading confusing glances with Mr. Wang, and bantering spiteful

barbs with Coach Crater.

Cabel tracks down the whereabouts of last semester"s Chem. 2

class.

He"s working madly behind the scenes, not saying much about it. Controlling his feelings about the creep being near the woman he loves.

Knowing if he says what he"s really thinking, the tension grows between

them.

“So,” he says carefully, “it"s you and six other students on this trip, plus

Durbin. And who"s your female chaperone?”

Janie glances up from her chemistry book. “Mrs. Pancake.”

Cabel scribbles in his notebook.

“Four girls. You have a room together?”

“No, I thought I"d sleep in Durbin"s room,” Janie says.

“Har, har.” Cabel scowls at Janie, and then tosses her chemistry

aside and tackles her. He buries his fingers into her hair and kisses her.

“You"re asking for trouble, Hannagan,” he growls.

“And you would be…?” Janie asks. She giggles.

“Trouble.”

ON HER OWN

February 5, 2006, 5:15 a.m.

Janie, sprawled out on Cabel"s couch, finally finds Miss Stubin on Janie"s own terms.

ı

She"s on the bench. Miss Stubin is there, next to her. It"s dusk. Perpetual

rain.

“I"m going on an overnight trip with the teacher who we think is the

sexual predator. Some of his former students are going too—they may

be victims,” Janie says.

“What season is it?” Miss Stubin asks.

Janie looks at her, puzzled. “Winter. It"s February.”

“Wear a bulky coat to disguise the shaking in case you get sucked into a

nightmare. Drape it over you. You"re taking a school van?”