Fade to Black (The Black Trilogy Book 1) (7 page)

I didn’t want him to leave me. I wanted him to stay with me forever. I never said this out loud, but it’s how I felt. We were unofficially attached to each other. He walked me to classes, picked me up, and drove me home each day.

We went to the movies on weekends with Lana and Josh, who shamelessly made out, to the point that Matthew and I would not sit with them any longer. The more I prayed time would go slower, the faster it went by. It was December before we knew it.

chapter eleven

Rifle season was about to begin. I saw Maurice and his son, Jean-Paul, several times. I saw them when they came from the south to camp for the week in one of the hunting cabins. Jean-Paul would stare holes through me. I didn’t know what to make of him. I was guessing he was around twenty years old. His skin was not as dark as his father’s, but his eyes were the same shade of near black.

He was a very attractive man, and from the little he said, he seemed very intelligent. He was kind to me, a gentleman from another place and time. When father and son would join us for dinner, he would bow slightly when I entered the room, or stood until Nana and I had taken our seats at the table. I began to be suspicious of the increasing visits, after I overheard Maurice and Papaw talking one night on the porch, their cigar smoke so thick you could cut it with a knife.

“Forgive my curious nature, Nathaniel, but your granddaughter? How old is she?”

Papaw chuckled, “Too young, Maurice.”

They sipped brandy and rocked in their rocking chairs.

“Sixteen? Seventeen?” Maurice asked.

Papaw chuckled again.

“Piper is not yet sixteen and she might as well be twelve.”

A heavy silence took my Papaw, and I knew he was thinking of me being twelve. I would do anything to relieve him of the burden of that knowledge.

“I only ask, because my Jean-Paul seems mighty taken with her.”

Papaw snorted.

“No offense to you or Jean-Paul, but I’m hoping Piper stays with me till my dying day. She is more joy than anything I’ve ever known.”

I placed a hand over my mouth to silence my cry. He was the joy in my life, and I, a dirty, spoiled girl, didn’t deserve the love he and Nana gave me so freely.

A poke to my ribs made me jump.

“What are you doing?” Nathan whispered.

He was dressed in his too-short pajamas, and his brown hair messy, the worse for wear. I put my finger to my lips, grabbed his arm, and led him out of the room.

“Nosy,” he teased me, when we got to the living room.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Takes one to know one.”

We crawled under the Christmas tree, and lay looking up into the lit branches. That had been something we did with my dad. He would have us lie on our backs, and tell us Santa stories. I missed him every day.

Nathan and I lay in silence, watching the lights, lost in their dance. My brother’s visits were further apart than they used to be. Nathan had been looking tired and worn out the last few ties he came home. I worried about him constantly. The late nights and partying were catching up to him.

My big brother would be twenty-two in two weeks, but had already begun to show signs of aging. I knew he drank heavy at times. Though I was aware of the signs, he didn’t share with me the extent of his drug use. I smoked weed with Lana, but that was our secret. Nathan would probably throw a fit if he knew, so I chose not to share this with him.

The grandfather clock ticked hypnotically.

“Piper?” Nathan said, breaking the trance.

He said my name in a voice laced with sadness.

“Hmmm?” I said, still dazed by the lights.

Nathan hesitated, and I begin to dread whatever he was cooking up.

“You ever think of her? Think of her out in a cornfield alone?”

I had to think about what he was saying before I replied. The truth was, Nathan had never known just how cruel our mother could be. She saved the worst for me. Nathan had the Mitchell name, but it was a little known fact that he would never know his real father.

The mother we shared was cruel to me even before my father died. I know that now. I didn’t see it before, but she found pleasure in my discomfort. She was jealous of me. I was neglected and starved for the affection I never got from her, but Nathan never knew this, because he received her love, in the warped and twisted way she could love.

“No,” I finally said flatly, “I try not to ever think of her.”

I felt him shift, probably trying to find the right words to say.

“She held me down while a man raped me, Nathan. She hated me from the day I was born. No. She’s exactly where she should be, and I’m lucky to not be with her.” I said this in my dead voice, because admitting these things was channeling the dead inside me.

Nathan took a deep breath and didn’t say anything else. He held my hand a while, then went back to bed.

It was hard to imagine such evil in our lives, but it had been there all along. My dad married my mom even though he knew she was pregnant by someone else. He thought she just hadn’t been loved enough, and he could show her what love really was. He could fix what was broken in her.

He couldn’t though, and I think at times my mother knew that if she didn’t act right, he would cut her off, and she’d be just another trashy Akins girl. Daddy gave Nathan his name simply because no matter what, Nathan was his son, and Nana and Papaw accepted this with open hearts and minds. Nathan has never been treated any different.

…

Over the Christmas break from school, Jean-Paul came around often. Nana teased me about him, but as nice and beautiful as he was, I was deeply in love with Matthew. Nathan left right after his birthday, gone again to chase his dream of being a musician, playing in what Nana called “honky-tonks.” She said this word like it tasted bad.

My sixteenth birthday was coming up fast. Nana wanted to celebrate with a sweet sixteen party, decorating the house in, of course, Valentine pink and red. I thought I would die of embarrassment, but stayed quiet. Nobody could throw a party like Nana. The food alone drew people from all over.

“I am going to say that monetary gifts will go towards your college education, or whatever you choose,” she said about the invitations. I knew deep down, she wanted me to be a midwife.

“Whatever you think, Nana,” I said with my back to her.

I was at this point smoking pot nightly, sometimes more than that. I kept my eyes averted, for fear Nana would catch on.

When I smoked, I had way fewer nightmares, so Lana kept me in stock. My allowance kept her in stock. We were two peas in a pod. My bedroom window was directly over the porch roof, so I would sit out there and smoke Lana’s finest weed. I didn’t cut myself as often when I was high either. I stayed calm, and had worked my way up to kissing Matthew for more than a few seconds.

We worked our way up to make-out sessions that left me breathing heavy, and Matthew red in the face. Now waiting on Josh after school consisted of petting and long kissing sessions. Our body heat kept the truck windows fogged up. If Nana or Papaw knew of either the weed or Matthew, they never brought it up.

I think Nana was happy while I was happy, and learned to only intervene if I showed signs of trouble. My grades were good. I was delivering babies and helped with the land and the shop. I even visited shut-ins with Nana. I also made house calls with Papaw when I could. I worked hard and practiced good manners. That was really all that was expected of me.

I got sixteen pink roses from Nathan. Nana placed them in the center of the “Grand room,” as she called it. The Grand room was huge, and was big enough so guests could have room to dance to the grand piano. Half the room was now home to a huge U-shaped sofa, centered in front of the giant fireplace, which was big enough to stand up in. It really was the perfect gathering place.

“Now all the party guests can see what a wonderful brother you have,” Nana told me, as she fiddled with the roses.

“They already do, Nana, or most of the girls do,” I said sheepishly.

Nana wrinkled her nose, but said nothing. She was well aware of how popular Nathan was with females.

The guests arrived, and before long the party began. My school friends danced and laughed. The adults hung out by the food and gossiped. I opened presents and squealed, almost like a normal girl. I always knew in my heart, I was dirty and diseased. Daniel was in my head, telling me that these people didn’t love me. I was unwanted and unloved. Thank goodness Lana took me to the bathroom with her, after watching the stress enter my face. There was no fooling Lana. She knew me very well by now.

“Chill out, would you?” She paused to sniff powder up her nose. “This is your party. Quit freaking out.”

I wanted to try this powder, but she wouldn’t let me. She said weed was one thing. This was “a whole other monster.” She fished in her huge bag, and pulled out a bottle of prescription pills.

“Take this. It will calm your nerves.”

I did so without asking questions.

When I came out five minutes later, I noticed the crowd had swelled. Jean-Paul was leaning against the kitchen counter, talking quietly with Nana. I put my arm through Papaw’s and whispered, “What is he doing here?”

He turned to look at Jean-Paul, then back at me.

“What?” he asked innocently “It’s your party, and he likes you. What’s the big deal? Matthew is not the jealous type. He won’t be bothered by your male friends, surely.”

After I thought about it, I couldn’t argue. He and his dad were here for this week, and it would be rude not to invite them, but Jean-Paul seemed to watch me everywhere I went. When I would meet his eyes, he would lift his glass to me or bow his head. He was handsome, but there was a mystery in his eyes. Something about him made me cold inside.

Papaw had told me he was Cajun. “They’re different folks for sure. Louisiana people always are. I think it’s all that French nonsense.”

I smiled at Jean-Paul when he looked my way, and I left it alone. Around eight, Papaw took me outside in a hot-pink blindfold to give me my gift. It wasn’t a car, which I was secretly hoping for but knew we really couldn’t afford. Nathan took my dad’s old Camaro, so I was left driving Nana’s Oldsmobile. I drove Papaw’s truck better, but he always needed it. I didn’t mind.

Someone took my blindfold off, and by the whiff of cologne I guessed it was Jean-Paul. He did smell wonderful. There, by the front steps, was a brand new, navy-and-yellow Yamaha four-wheeler. A broad grin stretched my face.

We used these to get from here to there on the property, but I had wanted one that could drive me through mud. Papaw’s was pokey, to say the least.

“If you can ride Tootsie, you can handle this, I think,” Papaw said, beaming at me.

I squealed in genuine delight this time, and clapped my hands like a small child. Papaw handed me a key.

“Be careful. It’s a monster,” he warned me,

I leaped down the steps and instantly looked for Matthew. I finally had one I could keep up with him on. I searched the crowd, and found his face.

“Come on!” I yelled excited.

Matthew grinned and walked my way. His long strides closed the distance between us in seconds and I couldn’t help but swell with pride when he placed his hands around my waist in front of everyone.

We set off to the woods. I knew I shouldn’t go far without my helmet, but I wanted to at least try it out. A few hundred yards out, I felt funny. I slowed down, put the ATV in neutral, and climbed off. My head was spinning. I had forgotten all about the pill I took in the bathroom with Lana.

“You okay?” Matthew asked concern in his voice.

I put my head between my legs and took deep breaths. The cold was bitter and tore at my chest. The ground beneath me felt soft and I swayed slightly. When my head eventually stopped spinning, I stood up, feeling light-headed and more than a little drunk.

“I’m okay, just all the excitement I guess.” I told him.

“Come on,” he said, tugging at me after I convinced him I was good.

“Let’s go to the barn, okay?” I said in his ear. He nodded and shifted gears.

I put my arms around his waist, and my face into his back to block some of the cold. He drove straight into the barn, and shut the doors. He held me, knowing me enough to know something was off with my behavior. I simply couldn’t tell him I had taken something Lana gave me. I could not bear the thought of him thinking badly of me. He was perfect. My hero.

It suddenly dawned on me that in a few months’ time he would be gone from me to an unknown place. Duke University. It might as well be Africa.

Taking his hand, I led him up to the loft. I had feelings I had never had before. I felt numb but alive with excitement. When we reached the top, I turned to kiss him. He kissed me back, and then pulled away.

“Wait,” he said, chuckling at my eagerness.

“No,” I said, pulling back into him. If I didn’t do this now, I never would.

Matthew pulled away from me again leaving me to blink rapidly.

“Wait.” he said in a stern mock voice, holding up a finger,

I stuck out my lower lip, and crossed my arms, waiting. He reached out to take my right hand, and on my ring finger, he placed a band encircled with small black diamonds. My head was buzzing, and my body tingled all over. I didn’t know what to say.

“Happy birthday,” he whispered, and I heard the nerves in his voice.

“Oh,” I said, my senses delayed.

Matthew cleared his throat looking shy. His green eyes blazed at me causing my heart to speed up. He was so handsome I could look at him all day.