Faith (37 page)

Laura burst into tears when the man who interviewed her in a booth with a glass screen between them said she must claim maintenance from her husband. ‘I daren’t let him know where I am, he’s violent,’ she burst out, and hearing snorting laughter behind her realized the whole waiting room had heard.

She whispered the rest of her story, begged them to give her something so she could pay the rent and buy food. Finally it was agreed that someone would visit her at home the following day, and providing everything was in order, she would receive an emergency payment.

As she went to leave the office, a man called out to her, ‘Hey, missus, will this help youse?’

She turned to see the question came from one of the drunks. His grinning face was bloated and purple and he had scraps of food in his thick beard. But to her shock he was holding his flaccid penis in his hand as an offering.

She fled, his raucous laughter ringing in her ears.

The money she got from the Social Security was far less than she’d expected, and the officer who came to the flat had intimidated her by saying he had the powers to insist she took steps to claim maintenance from Greg. She and Barney lived on stews made with the cheapest cuts of meat, and she couldn’t afford to have the gas fire on at all during the day, even though it was bitterly cold. At weekends she would bundle Barney into warm clothes and take him for long walks along the canal or to a park. She got her Social Security money on Mondays, and quite often she had nothing left on Sunday, so when the gas or electricity ran out, she had to go to bed.

But the loneliness was even worse than the lack of money. She didn’t want to have to admit to anyone that Stuart had left her, so she avoided the people on her stair, and the women at the school gates. She couldn’t even bring herself to write to Meggie and Ivy to tell them she was on her own again because she was so ashamed of herself.

She had thought of the other staff at the casino as friends, yet not one of them called round to see how she was. Not even Robbie.

While she would have slammed the door in his face if he’d appeared in the first week or two, at least it would have been evidence he did really care about her. Now it looked as if he’d just used her, and all that talk of helping her get a better job was just a ploy to manipulate her.

One afternoon right at the end of February, someone knocked on the flat door. It was a freezing cold day and Laura was sitting on the settee wrapped up in a blanket. She thought it was a neighbour from the stair, as the bell down on the street door hadn’t rung.

Her first thought when she opened the door and found Robbie there was horror that he should see her in jeans, with no makeup and her hair like rats’ tails.

‘Hello, Laura,’ he said, grinning broadly.

‘You took your time,’ she said sarcastically. ‘I’d given you up as a bad job.’

‘I’d have been round weeks ago if you’d phoned me at the casino or at least left a message for me,’ he said with a shrug. ‘All I got told was that you’d left. No reason was given. I thought perhaps Stuart had made you give up the job, and I didn’t attempt to try and find you in case it made things worse. By the time I got to hear on the grapevine that he’d gone to London, they’d removed your details from the staff register so I couldn’t find out your address. Did he leave because he saw you with me?’

She nodded, tears welling up in her eyes.

‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, and she felt he meant it. ‘Can I come in for a minute? We can’t talk out here.’

‘Okay,’ she said listlessly. ‘But I’ve got to go and collect Barney soon.’

‘Strewth, it’s cold in here,’ he exclaimed as he followed her into the living room, but on seeing her embarrassment he looked crestfallen. ‘Oh, Laura, things are that bad, eh? You haven’t any money for the fire?’

His sympathetic tone broke down her reserve and she couldn’t hold back her tears. He put his arms around her and rocked her against his shoulder. ‘Tell me all about it, babe,’ he said. ‘I’m so sorry I made so much trouble for you.’

That day he seemed like an answer to a prayer. He fed coins into the gas and electric meters, he made her a cup of tea and let her cry it all out. Later he drove her round to the school to pick up Barney and on the way back he stopped at the shops and bought a huge bag of groceries.

‘I’m going to cook a meal for you tonight,’ he said. ‘You can just sit down with Barney by the fire.’

She would never have thought a man from the gambling world could be so domesticated, or so kind. Along with making a first-class spaghetti bolognese he helped Barney build a car out of Lego, and then had a game of Snakes and Ladders with him.

Laura was embarrassed by how rough she looked, but when she blurted this out, he just smiled. ‘You’d look beautiful if you were in greasy overalls,’ he said. ‘I like to think we were friends, and that we can be that again. Friends don’t have to dress up for one another.’

After Barney went to bed they talked. She was blunt, admitting she’d made a serious mistake in going to bed with him, and that she loved Stuart. She expected Robbie to look insulted, but he patted her cheek affectionately and said he understood.

‘I stand by what I told you before,’ he went on. ‘I do want you, Laura, but if all you want is a friend, that’s okay with me.’

He was practical too. He pointed out that if she continued living on Social Security then they would have to force her to claim maintenance from her husband. ‘You’ll be on a sticky wicket then,’ he said. ‘If your husband applies for custody of Barney, he just might get it if the courts think he can give him a better life than you can.’

The prospect of that sent a cold shudder down her spine because she knew Greg was vindictive enough to do it.

‘But you deserve a better life too,’ Robbie went on. ‘You can’t stay stuck in this fiat all day while Barney is at school, having no fun, friends or money. It’s a living death. Why don’t you do some modelling for me? You’ll earn as much in a couple of hours as you would all week in a shop or an office, and you’ll be able to move somewhere smarter, pay a babysitter when you want to go out, run your car and buy yourself lovely clothes.’

Laura could remember the trepidation she felt as she drove over for the first time to the photographic studio in Livingston. She wanted the money Robbie was offering but she was convinced the studio would be a sleazy place and the photographer a pervert. However, as Robbie had assured her there was no obligation to stay if she didn’t like it, she felt she had to bite the bullet and check it out.

As she parked her car in the small industrial park she was relieved to see the studio looked every bit as professional as the other businesses around it. The plate-glass doors had stylish gold lettering announcing ‘Commercial Photography, Weddings and Family Portraits’.

In the black and white reception area, where the walls were covered with stunning photographs of children, weddings and family groups, she was greeted by a smartly dressed middle-aged woman. She said Ed Harris, the photographer, would come and speak to her in a few minutes, and meanwhile she would show Laura around.

By the time Laura met Ed, her nerves were soothed by the cleanliness of the changing rooms and the sophistication of the two studios. In the prop room she’d seen scores of different backdrops, ranging from a flower-covered archway to a beach scene and a romantic castle. There was no evidence of sleaze anywhere.

Ed was a big, jovial man with a very direct manner. He said she was a little older than most of the models he usually shot as pin-ups, but added she had excellent bone structure, lovely hair and a very good body. He directed her to a rail of very scanty clothes and underwear, said he’d like her to try the denim shorts and a bikini top first, and that the makeup artist would come to her as soon as she was ready.

It was all much less embarrassing than she had expected. The makeup artist talked about a job she’d had recently on a major film, adding that Laura’s skin was far better than the leading lady’s. The receptionist brought Laura a cup of coffee and a dressing gown to put on in case she felt cold. Neither of them gave as much as a hint that they thought glamour photography was dubious.

Once she was ready, Ed told her exactly how he wanted her to pose, and he continued to guide her as he took pictures. They were provocative poses – at one point she had to act as if she was taking off the brief shorts. He also got her to remove the bikini top and cover her breasts with her hands, but he made it easier by making her laugh and complimenting her when she got the pose or facial expression he wanted, so she felt reasonably comfortable with it all.

She was there for four hours. Ed used up dozens of rolls of film, she changed clothes five times, and at the end he handed her £50 and said he’d like her to do another session the following week.

For the first time in weeks she felt happy. She could buy Barney the new shoes he needed, and some paint to redecorate the living room. She didn’t feel ashamed.

All through March, April and May as she drove herself over to Livingston once or sometimes twice a week, she was on a rosy cloud. Ed had given her some copies of photographs, and while they were saucy, she looked good, and she wouldn’t have been ashamed to show them to anyone, not even her own sisters.

At that point she contacted Meggie and Ivy again and explained about Stuart. She lied to them and said she had a part-time job in a dress shop and did a bit of modelling work on a casual basis. She promised she would drive down to see them during Barney’s summer holidays, and maybe they could all spend Christmas together.

She felt so positive at that time that she redecorated the flat, bought a new carpet and curtains, had a telephone installed, and no one could force her to claim maintenance from Greg now she wasn’t receiving benefits. She still missed Stuart a great deal, but the pain had become more of a dull ache, and she told herself that their break-up had been inevitable because she was so much older than him.

Because she felt happier, Barney was happier too. At the weekends she could afford to take him to nice places, and she was looking forward to the summer holidays and seeing Meggie and Ivy. She wondered what they would think of her ‘Afro’ perm, and her new daring, way-out clothes. Robbie claimed she looked like a teenager.

Grateful as she was to Robbie for a change in fortune, he puzzled her. He could be so kind and affectionate, taking a great deal of interest in her and Barney, yet there was a part of him which was deep, cold and unfathomable.

She hadn’t wanted to start up a sexual relationship with him again, but she soon found that Robbie was a master at getting what he wanted, while acting as if he was doing it for her.

He telephoned her most evenings, and sometimes came round in the early evening for a meal with her and Barney before going on to the casino. When he came to the flat he was very sensitive towards Barney, playing and chatting with him like a visiting relative, and he never even hugged or kissed her. He remained like this for about a month, until one evening she made some joking comment about how she wouldn’t mind being taken out for a drink or a meal.

The following day he sent her some flowers with a note asking her to come and have lunch with him at the Caledonian Hotel. He stayed there overnight every other Friday, and in view of what had happened the last time, she wasn’t keen to go. But he was employing her, and he’d also been her friend when she most needed one, so she felt unable to refuse.

The lunch led to them spending the afternoon in bed again, and from then on it became a regular fortnightly date.

She liked going out to lunch with him; he was charming and entertaining and it was good to get dressed up and eat nice food and drink good wine in a sophisticated restaurant. Yet at the same time it irritated her that he slotted her into his life like a visit to the barber or the dentist, and that he behaved as if the sex afterwards was some kind of reward for her.

He was without a doubt the worst lover she’d ever had. He was far too fast and frantic, selfishly taking his pleasure without any thought for her. If he’d been any other man she would have pointed this out, and unless there had been a dramatic improvement she would have dumped him. But there was something about Robbie that suggested it would be very unwise to criticize him. She couldn’t afford to lose such well-paid work, and she was also just a little afraid of him.

It was in June, during one of these afternoon stints, that Robbie told her he’d cancelled his contract with the Livingston studio.

Every other man Laura had slept with became softer and more affectionate after sex. It was then that they often talked about their past, their hopes for the future, or even their family. But Robbie always became brusque, almost as if he was steeling himself not to reveal a tender side. He often sat up in bed and opened his briefcase to read reports or totted up rows of figures, and it was at that point that she always had a shower and went home.

But the day he dropped the bombshell about the studio he had been cuddling her, and it was she who sat bolt upright in alarm.

‘What about me?’ she asked.

He lay back on the pillows and lifted one hand to run a finger down her naked breast. ‘Don’t worry, babe,’ he smiled. ‘You can work at the studio in Glasgow.’

He looked almost handsome that day for there had been a heatwave a few days before and his face was suntanned, making his teeth whiter.

‘You’ll probably like it better as you’ll have the company of other girls there. They are a nice bunch, been at it for years. It’s a different set-up there, but if you go over on Monday you can just watch and learn from the other girls before you start properly later in the week.’

‘In what way is it different?’ she asked.

‘You’ll find that out on Monday. Like I told you when you started at Livingston, if you don’t like it, you are under no obligation to stay.’

Laura immediately felt uneasy because of his take-it-or-leave-it attitude. It was very reminiscent of the way he’d asked her to lunch, then just expected her to go to bed with him. She’d often felt that if she’d refused, that would have been the end of everything.