Fall Out Girl (27 page)

Colorado welcomed me with good weather and a listing containing an abundance of affordable studios for rent. I settled for the third place I saw. It was small, old, and outdated, but it was over a bakery. I fancied myself waking up to the smell of freshly baked bread, and I was done for. In addition, the studio was ten minutes from Colorado University. The school I had decided to go to. With Mr. Bakosi’s seal of approval for the low rate, I rented the place.

Within a week, a few gallons of paint and several trips to the thrift store, I had my studio painted and furnished. A smile bloomed on my face when I studied my living room/bedroom/kitchen. The décor was a retro-style recreation of my childhood home. A place Dad would be happy to visit.

In the far corner, a pile of classics from the eighteenth century and my carpentry tools, sat waiting for me. That night after starting the daunting
War and Peace
by Tolstoy (1,225 pages!), I built three birdfeeders. The following day, I hung them in the woods near my house and christened the place the Simon Kurtz Bird Sanctuary honoring Dad.

On my last free day before school started, I went grocery shopping. Pushing a cart, I strolled through the store. Mindlessly, I grabbed a container of Nutella and tossed in the cart. For Jake. My body froze as I stared at the jar. A clear picture of his melancholic grin every time I handed him his favorite food swamped me.

Finally, I broke free from the torpor and abandoned the cart.

Inside my car, it took me a while to turn the engine on. My entire body trembled as I drove to Dad’s bird sanctuary. Tears I could no longer hold back blurred my vision.

I sat underneath the tree I had hung my birdfeeders on. With my back pressed against the bark of the tree, I hugged my folded legs, rested my chin on my knees, and tried to halt the stream of tears.

A golden glitter hanging from one of my feeders caught my vision. I stood up and examined the small object. It was a thin gold chain with a heart pendant. With a scrunched up face, I retrieved the small bit of jewelry. The small, puffy heart had the picture of a messenger bird holding a letter. It was a locket. My fingers trembled, making it difficult to unlatch it. Finally, I snapped it open. Inside I found a folded square paper. I smoothed open and read its message.

My eyes glanced up, and I saw the dimpled face that haunted my dreams.

“Hey, Luna.” Caleb’s deep voice echoed in my ears.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. Was I delusional? I had never gotten a formal diagnosis for a mental disorder. Maybe the months of solitude were catching up with me and manifesting with hallucinations. On the count of three, my eyes would open, and I would no longer see Caleb in front of me.

But the unmistakable and heady scent of Caleb, mingled with his signature cologne, made my bent mind accept the reality. I felt a feathery touch on my cheeks. “Open your eyes, love.” His voice was huskier than I remembered.

I leaned my face into his touch, relinquishing to the familiarity of his hand. It was comforting, warm. I felt like the prodigal daughter, returning home.

I opened my eyes. “Caleb?” I asked in a whisper.

“Yes, love. It’s me,” he said, holding my face between his hands.

With the small paper clutched in my grasp and the necklace tangled on my fingers, I snapped back to reality and whacked his hands away.

“What are you doing here?” I squeaked out. A thorny lump constricted my voice.

Before he answered, I cleared my throat. “No. Never mind that. How did you find me?”

“I—”

I raised my hand. “No need to explain. You do know that stalking is a crime punishable by law, right?”

He smiled broader, deepening the dimple on his left cheek. It was so distracting.

“God, I missed that sassy mouth of yours.”

“I swear, Caleb, this time around, I’ll file a restraining ord—”

His gaze darkened, and with one swift leap he closed the space separating us. His lips seized mine. My legs weakened, but Caleb’s fierce hands prevented me from falling.

He kissed me with passion and familiarity. With emotion and hunger. It was all consuming. It fanned the remaining red embers of his name branded on the blueprint of my soul.

When our lips tore apart, I was panting, and my heart galloped with an unhealthy velocity.

Fresh tears escaped my eyes.

“Please don’t cry,” he said in a gentle whisper. “I can’t stand to make you cry.”

“Why did you come here, then?” My eyes met his. I hated how vulnerable I felt. I had achieved enlightenment and strength during my road trip. It took one kiss from him for all the strength ingrained within me to evaporate like vapor in the wind.

“Because I still love you.”

A bitter smile surfaced on my lips. Images of the day he left me over a stupid reason along with visions of him making out with Jessica assaulted my mind. I shook my head. Nothing he said would erase the pain he had caused me.

He let out an exasperated breath of air. His hands raked his hair. “Luna, just let me talk, all right? Please. If after what I have to say, you still hate my guts, I’ll never bother you again.”

I wanted to storm away. But my feet refused to move. Part of me wanted to be a gullible fool and hear his explanation.

“You have two minutes.”

“My father blackmailed me,” he said.

“Poor you, no more allowance....” My voice trailed off in disgust, and I shook my head in mocking despair. I took a step away from him. I didn’t want to hear how he couldn’t jeopardize his future, his college tuition just for the sake of me. So cliché!

“If I broke up with you, Jake wouldn’t go to jail.”

I stopped in my tracks, and my head whipped around so that I could look at him. “What?” The world around me spun, and I thought I was going to faint.

Caleb grabbed my arms and turned me around. “Remember the delays to the trial? It was my father, ensuring I finished high school and enrolled at Yale to study law.”

I shook my head. “Why didn’t you tell me? I, um, I…” I held my head in both hands, a swirl of emotions and thoughts reeling inside me, making me dizzy.

“Oh, Luna. It devastated me to break your heart.” He scraped his hands over his face. “It was all for show. I had to convince you.”

I bit my lower lip to stop it from trembling. My lungs burned, and I realized I wasn’t breathing. I felt caught between wanting to know further, but afraid to be disappointed. Again.

I forced air into my nostrils, and said, “You want me to believe that it was all a lie? That you didn’t use me and toss me to the side like an old shoe?” I was appalled.

“Yes.” His voice was quiet, but it had a fervor that tugged at my heart.

“Suppose you’re telling the truth, that you acted like a douche to save Jake. Why not tell me? Why not let me in on your martyr plan?”

“And jeopardize Jake’s only shot out of that mess? Dad was clear, if anyone, especially you, found out; the deal was off. If I had told you and compromised Jake’s freedom, would you ever forgive me? Would you ever forgive yourself?” Caleb’s eyes pierced through me like a laser.

The obvious answer was “no.” I wouldn’t forgive myself. I would sacrifice anything for Jake’s sake. Even Caleb.

“How about after Jake’s death? Why not tell me then?”

“That week was overwhelming for you. I was gonna tell you. After the funeral. But then… Then you disappeared. I spent my summer hunting you down.”

“It hurt so badly to see you with Jessica. But what hurt the most was to think that the Caleb I had fallen for didn’t exist,” I whimpered.

“I know, love. I saw it on your face. For what’s worth, it killed me to act like an ass.”

Caleb’s fingers traced a tear rolling down my cheek. “Please forgive me. Please believe me,” he pleaded. Tears filled his eyes. “I love you, Luna. When I saw you for the first time, I had this knowing, this certainty that you were the love of my life. No, it’s beyond love. When my eyes found yours, my entire being connected to you. I could feel parts of my soul twisting, stretching like tentacles, reaching for yours. I felt my flesh prickling, my heart expanding, making room for yours. I knew then, what I’m telling you now, Luna. Without you, I’m condemned to a lonely existence. To a meaningless life. You are entwined with the deepest parts of me. You are ingrained in my body, mind, and soul.”

I threw myself into his arms. “Oh, Caleb. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving.”

His arms wrapped around me. It was home. Like a swallow, I had found a home.

Dear reader,

There are over seven billion people on this mighty earth of ours. What are the odds of finding the perfect mate? Of making a soul-deep connection? Well, I believe that we all find ours. Some are in the form of a mother or a father, a sister or a brother, a grandmother or a grandfather, a friend, or a distant relative. But sometimes it comes in the form of lovers. I can’t say that one form is better than the others; I also can’t say whether or not we can only find one or none, or many. There isn’t a formula. However, there are forces beyond our understanding conspiring in our favor. Pay attention, you never know what form yours will come in. But I’m certain that it will come. Be on guard.

As for my tales, as promised, they are now yours. Do with them as you may.

Whether you liked or hated this journey, thank you for taking it with me.

Sincerely,

Luna

Caleb

CLUTCHING A LOAF of French bread, I climb the stairs two at a time, and fling the front door open.

“Luna, I got bread. It’s still warm,” I say, strolling to the kitchen and tossing the bread on the table.

The soulful voice of Tarry Francis floats on the cool spring morning. Luna has a serious fan crush on the singer. If I weren’t so certain that her heart belongs to me, I’d be jealous as hell.

Luna squeaks my name and drops the book she’s been reading. From the kitchen area, I see her arms and legs flailing as she leaps from the bed.

“You’re not gonna believe it, I found it! I found the book, Cal. I found the book that inspired the name Laska,” she says, springing in my direction.

She’s wearing a white tank top with floral shorts that make her legs look like they stretch on for miles. Her hair, now with teal highlights, is tousled from sleep. Her face radiates wonder and awe.

Her arms flash around my neck and her legs circle my hips.

“Oh, love, I’m all sweaty and gross,” I say, chuckling. I had just run for five miles.

“I love your sweat,” she says, clinging to my shoulders, her tongue sweeping over my neck.

“I love you, Caleb. I love Dad. I love literature. I love life,” she says.

My hands grip her ass, and I carry her through the room while she kisses my neck and chest. I place her over the desk, settle in between her legs, and open a drawer. I pull an envelope from inside and hand it to her.

“Congratulations.”

She bites the inside of her cheek and tilts her head with that captivating cockiness that kills me each time.

“What is this?”

“Go on… open it,” I say.

She rips the envelope open, and her eyes widen as a smile beams into existence on her face.

“Wow, I, uh…, God, Caleb, thank you,” she says, staring at two airplane tickets and a map of Europe.

“Wait. When? How did you know I was reading
the
book?”

“Um…” I shake my head in shame. “Google.”

“When did you look it up?” she asks, appalled.

“Um, sort of when you told me the story,” I respond sheepishly.

“You cheater,” she says, slapping at my arms. “You knew this entire time, and you never told me?”

“And betray the man you look up to? Never.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “I marked some countries I want to see. It’s a two-month backpacking trip. We leave a week after school ends.”

“I love you, you know?” she says with a slew of emotions showing in her face.

Finishing the game with her deceased dad was a way of honoring him—connecting to him. I wanted to make it extra special.

“I know, love. I love you, too.”

I kiss her long and thoroughly. Desire swells in my loins as I carry her to our bed. Bread, book, and trip be damned. I want a taste of my Luna. I want to take her to the moon, our favorite place in the entire world.