Fallacy (Apprehensive Duet Book 1) (38 page)

“Alex, if she’s having second thoughts, the only person who can help her through it is you. You’ve always been the one to get through her walls. She’ll talk to you,” Ashley counters.

Lying back down in my bed, I rub my temples. “I never got through her walls. I never broke them down, or I would be the one she’s marrying. I’m the guy who handed her the reason to run, and she never looked back. Jordan broke through her walls. If anyone can talk to her, it’s him. Not me.” Why does everyone think I can stop her from doing this? How can they not see this is tearing me apart?

“This is the last chance you may have to get your girl back. I know how scared you are right now. I’ve been in your shoes. Sometimes you have to take a risk. You have to fight,” she lectures me. Her voice more stern and driven. She’s not going to let this go.

“We all have to do hard things for the people we love, Alex. The question you need to ask yourself is if you can live with not trying one last time. Will you be okay with looking in the mirror knowing you may have had one last chance to get your girl back but didn’t take it?”

Fuck, she went with the low blow. But she has a point. Can I look at myself day in and day out wondering if I may have had the ability to change the way this plays out?

Quinn

I find myself sitting in much the same state I was in last night. Staring at my wedding dress. Except now it’s in the puddle on the floor where I left it after getting out of it as fast as I could.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I remember falling asleep looking at the photos on my bedroom wall. Ashley and I on her wedding day. Michaela in my arms the day she was born. Tanner, Ashley, and I the day Alex declared her one hundred percent from the injuries of the accident. That wall used to contain a lot more pictures. Pictures I couldn’t bear to look at when Alex left.

It hurt to see him. I left him and then he was gone. He followed his dream and went to Arizona. It just goes to show we were both holding each other back. If I didn’t end things that night, he could’ve missed his opportunity. There’s a chance he may not have taken it, and I’m glad I wasn’t a factor in him taking the job. And now I’m going to be taking over the company soon. It was better for both of us.

It still fucking hurt, even though I knew he had the potential to ruin me if he was the person I thought he was. I know I told him I didn’t love him, but deep down I did. Regardless, there was no way I could handle the fallout if things went south. I don’t know what I believe anymore when it comes to him. I saw his reaction when I told him the truth about leaving. I don’t think any man would fight that hard if he didn’t really care or wasn’t faithful. But nothing I can do about it now.

It dawned on me around four am while I was tossing and turning that I don’t have any pictures of Jordan and me on the wall. What does it say when I don’t have any pictures up of the man I’m marrying today? What does it mean when the only pictures we have together are the ones we had taken for the engagement announcement in the paper? The realization of just how fake this whole thing is hit me like a fucking Mack truck. I barely made it to the bathroom before I puked my guts up. I’ve become the woman I’ve always promised myself I wouldn’t be and it makes me sick.

There’s this fog hanging over me I can’t see my way through. I don’t know which way to turn. I’m terrified that no matter which way I turn, I’ll walk off the edge of a cliff.

A loud bang startles me. I look at the clock and realize it's almost ten. It’s probably Ashley since I was supposed to be at her house over an hour ago. We’re expected to be on our way to the hotel, but I haven’t been able to force myself from this bed.

Having no choice, I drag myself from the spot on my bed I’ve been glued to for hours and trudge my way to the front door.

The door opens before I even get to it and I gasp at the sight of Alex standing before me. “How’d you get in here?” I ask.

“The door was unlocked,” he answers softly. A look of concern written on his face.

“Oh,” I whisper, glad nothing crazy happened last night since apparently anyone could’ve walked right into my house. I guess my mind’s more scattered than I thought. I’m always very vigilant about things such as locked doors. I’m a good-looking woman who lives alone. Anything can happen.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, remembering I was expecting Ashley and not Alex.

“Ashley called me when you didn’t show at her house. She’s worried about you, and since I was closer to you than her, she asked me to come,” he explains as he closes the door slowly and cautiously. I know he can sense the inner turmoil festering inside me. He’s always been able to read the things I wasn’t able to say.

But I don’t understand one thing about him being here. “Why would you come? Why do you even care if I make it to the wedding?” I know how he feels about today. He made it very clear to me the last time I saw him.

“Quinn,” he sighs. I can see the sadness in his eyes. There’s no gold glow in them. I loved that gold glow. “Regardless of how things have played out between us, all I want is for you to be happy. If you’re happy, then that’s all that matters to me. I wish I was the guy who was able to make you happy, but I’m not. So tell me, what’s going on?”

Gawking at him, frozen by the compassion this amazing man holds for me. “I don’t know what’s going on,” I finally say when I find my voice.

Alex takes a few tentative steps toward me and gestures to the couch before he walks around me to sit down. “Come on, sit. Talk to me. Start from the beginning.”

I take a deep breath and begin explaining most of the events leading up to today. “So now I’m sitting here not sure if this is really the best move for me, but I don’t have a choice in the matter. I never have. But there’s some good coming out of this whole mess too. I’m not the only person who needs today to happen. If I don’t marry Jordan today, I’ll be letting him down. I don’t want to let him down, but I also don’t want to let myself down.”

“Angel…” he sighs, but I have to interrupt.

“Please,” I beg. “Please don’t call me that, not today.”

“Okay,” he says with a tiny flicker of sadness in his eyes. “You love Jordan. That much is obvious. But what you need to ask yourself is if you love him more than you love yourself. Do you love him enough to live this lie? You have been terrified of letting someone change the person you are. You have changed. And that’s okay if you like the person you’ve become. Do you like the person you are today, Quinn?”

“I do love Jordan. But I love him like I love Tanner. I love him the way I imagine I would love a brother if I had one. I love him enough not to want to hurt him,” I confess while avoiding the topic of liking myself right now. I don’t like myself. My father has made me his puppet. He pulls the strings. My life isn’t my own anymore unless I want my life to be confined to a six by nine cell. Even if my father decides not to fuck me over, he’s still fucking me over. If I don’t do this today, I’ll always be waiting for that phone call asking me to come in for questioning. The day may come or it might not, but the threat will always be there. It’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. But it doesn’t necessarily have to explode to wreak havoc on my life. It already is.

I’m so fucking tired of keeping all this inside. I wish I could tell Alex the truth, but I can’t. Telling anyone about what my father plans to do if I don’t do what he wants increases the chances everything will blow up in my face. There’s just too much at stake.

“But look at you,” he comments, running his finger down my cheek. “Your eyes are red and swollen. You’ve obviously been crying. I’m sure you didn’t get much sleep last night. Do you love him enough to live the rest of your life accepting the decision you make today? I’m not talking about staying in the marriage. Divorces are always possible. I’m talking about the possibility of meeting someone someday that you actually want to marry. Can you live with that person not being the only person you’ve made this promise to?

“I know you’ve probably covered all the financial aspects of everything but what about all the other real life things like sickness and accidents? As your husband, he would make important decisions for you and vice versa. What happens if you were in an accident like Ashley’s? Would you trust Jordan to stay by your side? What if you got sick? Would Jordan stay and care for you? Could you make a life or death decision for him? Would you be able to stay if something life changing happened to him? What happens if the company goes bankrupt? Can you work through that? Can you stand by each other under the pressure of something bad? These are important things you need to think about.”

I don’t say anything. I sit there and try to picture my life if I take this step today and marry Jordan knowing I have no romantic feeling for him. Is this fair to me? Is this fair to Jordan? What happens to me if he meets someone he wants to marry? Am I going to be okay with him coming home smelling like another woman? Can I do all of the things that Alex just mentioned? I’d like to think yes, but the truth is I think Jordan and I have taken this thing way too lightly. He could get hit by a bus tomorrow and be paralyzed. Cancer runs in his family. What if Jordan gets sick while we’re together? I love him, but I love him in a platonic way. I stuck by Ashley no problem, but I wasn’t married to her.

I love him. I do. We get along well, and we have a lot in common. He seems to understand me as a person, which I know isn’t an easy feat. But how do I find out if I'm making the right—or wrong—decision? Either way, either decision has repercussions of its own.

I wish all the things Alex just brought up were the only things I had to consider. It would be so much easier. No, I wouldn’t marry him. But it's not that easy. If I marry him, I’ll have everything I’ve been waiting for. My company and my father gone. But what will be left of me after? And if I don’t do this, there’s the very real possibility my father screws me over, and again, what will be left of me after? There’s no way to know for sure, but I know he’s capable of it. It’s a big fucking risk.

Alex’s voice breaks me from my haze. “Can you see yourself with him in forty years? Is he going to be there to tell you you’re beautiful even with age? Is he going to treasure you like you deserve to be treasured? It’s not a prom date, Quinn. It’s marriage. Answer this one question … Do you love him enough to go to his house and tell him if he truly loves someone else, he should marry her? Do you love him enough to beg him to not marry that person if he doesn’t?”

I take a good look at Alex. I watch his face and the moisture that is welling in his eyes. I can tell this wasn’t easy for him to do today. I’m sure the last thing in the world he wanted to be doing today was talking me through my meltdown.

I know I don’t love Jordan the way Alex is describing, but love isn’t what matters here. Seeing Alex practically begging me not to do this today makes everything harder. When I thought about getting married once upon a time, I pictured everything Alex just spoke about. The husband who loves me unconditionally. A man I trust my life with. Someone I know would always be there for me no matter what, just like Alex is doing now. But I don’t have the luxury of simply saying no. My hands are tied and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

“If you don’t love him like that, then don’t marry him.”

I thought I was sick to my stomach before, but it pales in comparison to the gut wrenching feeling that consumes me as those words leave Alex’s mouth. Apparently, there’s a third person who stands to be seriously affected by my choice today.

I stare at him, I mean, really take a good look at him. I haven’t allowed myself to look at him since he’s come back. It stirs up too many feelings that I’ve been trying to bury for a long while now. His features have a hardened look now. There’s no doubt that Alex has changed. His hair is longer. He’s let his beard grow out a little longer than before. He’s tanned. But he’s sad. This hollow version of him is because of me. But if I take him back, and he breaks my heart entirely, the hollowed version would be me. I can totally lose my entire being with Alex. He holds the power to break me beyond repair. But he also has this way of building me up. He makes me feel secure in myself. Do I even believe the crap I’ve convinced myself about him?

But if I don’t marry Jordan, I can lose everything I’ve worked for. I lose my career. My company. Possibly my freedom. The life I’ve worked so hard for. If I do marry Jordan, I’m losing myself.

I know everything I stand to gain and everything I stand to lose with Jordan. But with Alex, I could lose just about every damn thing…