Fallen (25 page)

Slipping the strap of my dress down, he kissed my shoulder, and ran his other hand up my side to cup my breast. His tongue snaked out to tease my skin as his thumb traced across my nipple. I bit my lip and gripped his hair, damn near delirious at the prospect of a second round. 

As if he read my mind, he lifted my skirt, pulling it up and over my head. My hair fell back around my shoulders as I reached behind me to unhook my bra. His eyes were glued to me as I removed the white lace, my nipples hardening in the cool air. His cock twitched at the sight of me, and I clenched around him in response, making him groan. It was a heady thing, the effect I had on him.

His hungry gaze raked over me, lingering on the spot where we were still connected. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” His hand skimmed up my ribcage and ghosted over my breast, making me shiver.

I reached out and pushed his ruined shirt down his shoulders. I needed more skin-to-skin. I wanted to see all of him. I ran my hands across the hard planes of his chest and moved down to his hips, trying to tug down his pants and boxers. He leaned me onto my back, careful not to pull out, and kicked off his remaining clothes.

Staring down at me, he brushed a lock of hair away from my face. His jaw clenched as his eyes searched mine, like there was something he wanted to say, but just couldn’t. Shifting his weight to one arm, his free hand grabbed me behind the knee, spreading me wider as he pulled back and thrust forward. His eyes never left mine as he continued his slow, sensual pace. There was a kind of vulnerability to them that I’d never seen before. 

It was like his body was trying to show me what his mouth couldn’t say.

I reached up and placed my hand on his cheek, feeling the rough stubble under my fingers. He turned his head and kissed the pad of my thumb, his eyes fluttering closed. 

His head dropped to my neck as he rocked atop me. “You feel so good, Em.” He kissed me just under my ear, his breath hot on my skin as his hips ground against me in a relentless rhythm. 

I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer, and even though our bodies were melded together, it still didn’t feel like enough. I wanted to feel him everywhere, all at once. I wanted to be
consumed
by him. 

He cursed, and it sounded more like a prayer. “I’m close.” He sounded pained. “I need you to come.” His nose brushed my jaw before he nipped at my earlobe. “
Please
. I need to feel you.”

My eyes squeezed shut as I felt the familiar rise and tightening. I gripped his biceps, my nails digging into his skin. I was close.

Lifting his head, he breathed, “Open your eyes. Look at me.”

My lids opened to see Gabriel hovering over me, staring down at me with his beautiful face drawn tight in ecstasy. It was that sight that sent me over the edge. My eyes never left his as my body—strung tight with need—snapped, and pleasure coursed through me like a rip tide.

His thrusts grew harder, deeper, as he cupped the side of my face, just under my ear. Emerald eyes seared into mine, telling me more than his words ever could. His hips jerked, then stilled, as a breathless moan escaped him. 

Slowly, his head dropped to the crook of my neck. Our panting breaths filled the silence, and our erratic hearts beat next to each other. I wanted to stay in this cocoon of skin and sweetness forever. Because I knew that as soon as we left it, nothing would be the same.

Chapter Forty-Five

Tuesday, August 3rd

EMILY

The harsh light of morning has a way of knocking you back down to reality very quickly. The morning after sits and waits, watching all the acts from the night before. But it never speaks up, it never says, “Hey, this might not be the best idea.” Once your actions have had time to sit and ferment, though,
that’s
when the morning after shows up to shed the harsh light of rationalization on the muddled ideas of the night, which at the time seemed so infallible.
That’s
when the morning after finally speaks up and says, “How fucking stupid could you be?”

As it turned out,
very
.

Last night, that…that was
not
casual. That was…
making love
.

Memories of the night before rushed back to me—the feel of him moving inside me, the taste of his skin, the look in his eyes…

I still felt him all over me. It was like he’d left some sort of permanent reminder—some kind of brand.

Oh, God. I’m so not ready for this.

I glanced over at him lying next to me, the sheets not quite covering his nudity. A steady rhythm of breathing left him as he slept.

I had to get out of here.

Carefully, I climbed out, making sure not to jostle the bed. My clothes were scattered across the room. I found my dress on the floor at the edge of the bed, but where was my bra? 

Leave it.

I slipped the dress over my head and spotted my shoes. Quietly, I went over to them, seeing my panties on the floor in the process. I picked up my underwear, about to slip it on, but realized it was ripped to shreds. 

My eyes slid closed as images bombarded me of Gabriel fisting the fabric and ripping them off. I touched my hip, still able to feel the slight burn from the lace being yanked across my skin. I’d liked it, that bit of pain mixed with pleasure.

The sheets rustled as Gabriel moved in bed. His voice was quiet and sleepy as he asked, “Where are you going?”

Shit. 

Why was Em dressed? What time was it?

I lifted my head and squinted at the clock on the nightstand. “It’s still early. Come back to bed.” I pushed the sheets back and patted the empty space next to me.

She looked down and slipped on a shoe. “I’m not tired.”

Something was off. I sat up, fully alert. “What’s wrong? Is this about last night?” My heart hammered against my chest. Was she having regrets?

She glanced up at me, but wouldn’t keep eye contact. “Look, last night was fun, but—”

“Fun? Last night was
fun
?” I’d bared myself to her and she thought it was “fun.”

Well,
that’s
horribly depressing.

She threw her hands up. “All right, it was amazing. Is that what you want to hear?”

“For starters.”

She scowled at me. “As
amazing
as it was, I thought…” She blinked and looked down to the tattered panties in her hand, then shoved them behind her. “I thought we were going to keep it casual. That didn’t feel casual.”

Shit. I was hoping maybe she hadn’t noticed. “I—”

I
what
? I wasn’t sorry, not in the slightest.

Screw this. It was all out in the open anyway. “That’s because it wasn’t. My feelings for you aren’t ‘casual,’ Em.”

She shook her head, as if talking herself out of something. “Dating is one thing. You and I would be something else entirely.” Her eyes remained steadfast on my chest, her voice coming out soft. “I could drown in you. I’m just not ready for that kind of intensity.”

She was scared of getting hurt. Well, that made two of us. 

I shoved the sheets away and stalked over to her. “Don’t you think that I’m scared, too? I’m fucking terrified of this!”

Her eyes lifted as my voice raised.

“I don’t
want
to feel like this about you, but I can’t shake it. I can’t shake
you
, Em.” My hands tugged at my hair, trying to make the right words materialize. “Everything in me is telling me to run, but I won’t. Not this time… Em, I—” Goddamn it, she was going to make me say it, wasn’t she? “I love—”

She placed her hand over my mouth and winced. “
Don’t
. Please don’t say it.”

Desperation clawed at me, making the room seem too small. Why was she doing this? She felt it last night—I
know
she did. 

I took her hand, holding it in mine as I moved it to speak. “Don’t do this. I know you feel the same way. You don’t have to say it back, just— Don’t leave me.” 

I cradled her neck, kissing her mouth, her cheeks, her neck. She didn’t kiss me back, not once. Even though she was standing right in front of me, she couldn’t have been further away. Her eyes squeezed shut as she stood there, a single tear running down her face.

No. No, no, no. Please, no.

My chest twisted as a deep ache settled in, spreading to my throat until I couldn’t breathe. Tiny, sharp stabbing pains dotted my eyes. “I’ll take whatever you have to give, for as long as you want to give it.
Please
.”

She dropped my hand, stepping away from me as she wiped her tears. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Just like that, the little piece of my heart I’d managed to rebuild splintered into a million pieces. I’d never be able to pick them all up again.

Chapter Forty-Six

EMILY

I’d aimlessly walked around London for hours now. I was lost. Not navigationally, but emotionally. 

Totally and completely lost. 

Was I making a huge mistake? Gabriel had been my lifeline through everything. When I had no one and nowhere to turn,
he
had been there, no questions asked. It nearly broke me leaving him in the hotel room like that.

God
, even now his words tore at me. The desperation in his voice, the panic in his eyes… He truly did love me. I’d seen it this morning and I’d felt it last night, in every look and every touch.

And how had I reacted? I ran. Again. Because it was too much, too soon, and I felt myself slipping. If I wasn’t careful I’d fall, and it would be a
loooong
way down. I’d had a taste of what we’d be like last night. Our chemistry was explosive, and it terrified me. I had no doubt that our love would be just as epic. But if it didn’t work out…

I knew I couldn’t survive that again. The first time had nearly destroyed me. A second time surely would. 

What would become of us now? I didn’t think he could go back to being just friends. And if I was completely honest, I didn’t think
I
could either. Not when I knew how he tasted and how he felt moving inside me. I’d remember every time I saw him. So…what now? 

My heart twisted at the thought of not having him in my life. Damn it, how could I do this? He was my best friend—the only thing I had left in this world. Why’d we have to go and muck it up?

Ducking my head on the busy street, I wiped away a tear. Why did everything I touch turn to shit? What was I doing wrong?

I wanted to call my mom. I wanted to ask her what I should do, or just ask her how her day was. I felt lost trying to navigate this new life without her. I needed to hear her voice and have her tell me that everything was going to be okay. I needed to hear her tell me that she was only a plane ride away, even though I knew that wasn’t the case anymore.

Rounding the corner, I wiped my eyes and headed back toward the hotel. I might not have my mom to talk to, but I had
someone
. I just hoped he’d listen.

I should have seen this coming. After all, it was the number one thing I’d been afraid of when I started down this path with her. Did that make it any easier? Hell, no. It still hurt like a motherfucker.

I mean, what did I honestly think was going to happen? That she’d want to be with me? Ha. That was a
joke
. Someone like her didn’t stay with someone like me. I didn’t have a future with her, I had nothing—same as before, and same as it would be until the day I took my last godforsaken breath. I needed to quit daydreaming and accept that.

God, you know it served me right for wanting more. I should’ve just been happy with the meager, perpetually half-drunk existence I had before I met her, where nothing mattered and the shards of my broken heart were carefully tucked away, so the jagged edges couldn’t hurt me. I didn’t feel. I didn’t care. Then she had to come along and resurrect me, only to turn around and leave me in a broken, bloody mess.

Well, fuck her. And fuck me for caring.

I sat in the lobby bar, determined to do what I’d done for centuries: drink and fuck until I forgot. But I had a nagging suspicion that all the booze and women in the world couldn’t help me forget her.