Fallen (16 page)

The drive to her house was a bit of déjà vu for me. Once again I would be enjoying a fresh start on life. I was looking forward to getting myself together and possibly getting my husband back. I missed Jay. None of those things would ever have happened in our relationship.

He was the type of man that every woman wanted and needed in their life, and that was why I had planned to get him back! My sweaty palms ranged Porscha’s doorbel as I let out a deep sigh of relief. I could hear the sound of Jayla’s little footsteps running down the steps to see who was at the door. I laughed at her little fingers poking through the mail slot as Porscha yeled at her in the background to get away from the front door.

My friend opened the door with a grin big enough to put a clown to shame. She stepped back with one hand on her hip giving me just enough room to squeeze past as I struggled to carry my bags in with no help.

“I told your sily ass you should’ve been here!” She laughed and I did too, although I didn’t find her little joke too amusing.

What I didn’t do was tel Porscha about Tiffany. This wasn’t the time for the drama I just wanted peace. As much as I loved her and as much as I knew she loved me, it just wasn’t the time.

The house was so warm and cozy unlike I had remembered. As many times as I had been in her house, I didn’t remember it having this feeling. I felt like I was stepping into a house on Thanksgiving. The smel of a chicken cooking in the oven mixed with the warm earth tones that decorated al of the furniture in the house gave me the sense of family that I had been missing. She had begun to clear out her backroom for me but little had been done on such short notice. I wasn’t worried about it because I didn’t want to get comfortable. She told me that I didn’t have to rush and that she could realy use the extra help with Jayla but I had no intentions on making her house my home.

Jayla kept me company with her childish story teling as I unpacked my things. She was so excited asking me over and over again if I was going to be living there and each time I politely answered her yes. That girl must have asked me ten times in ten minutes the same question! But I knew how kids could be so it was amusing to me, I missed those days when my boys did that.

Spending time with Jayla gave me a moment to reflect back onto my abortion. I had thought very little about it and pushed it to the back of my mind. But now I wondered and slightly regretted aborting the possibility of the little girl I always wanted. Jayla’s smooth brown skin and long eyelashes were so beautiful and reminded me of Kai’s. I wondered if our daughter would’ve had those same features.

Life can be too much to go through, but what makes it worse is that we come to that fork in the road and always pick left. I wasn’t sure who I was anymore or who I would be after the series of events that I brought into my life. Things were so different for me now. A part of me stil wanted to go back to Kai and live with him. No t because I was deeply in love with him but because then I wouldn’t have to admit to failure. Pride is an awful thing that keeps us in positions that we don’t want to be in but it was a comfortable place to live.

It’s so much easier to let our pride get in the way of what is best for us because we are taught that failure is not an option. Admitting to failure takes a great loss of pride. Not to mention taking that walk of shame in front of those who knew we would fail is blow to the soul.

Wel I wouldn’t let pride get in the way, I told myself over and over again. I wanted the respect of my boys and the love of my husband. I didn’t care how hard I had to work at it I needed them way more than they could ever need me. Their lives made up my life and without them in it I was lost. I tried to create my own and only created chaos. Most of al, I owed Jason a huge apology. I owed Jason the world. I had been avoiding him because I truly did not know how to approach him. No way would be the right way but I had to do it.

I went to sleep my first night at Porscha’s peacefuly. Of course I had a lot on my mind, but I was at peace. I knew it was just a matter of time before I got my life back. I didn’t mean my old life because that life wasn’t making me happy. It would mean parts of my old life with a new beginning, and I was looking forward to what God would present me with, good or bad. But I knew that there would be some good to come, because before you see the rainbow there’s always the sun. And I could feel the sun shining on me I just had to learn to play in it a little longer and a little harder to get my rainbow.

By the end of the week I was starting to feel lonely. So after work I decided to make a surprise visit past the house. I wasn’t sure if anyone would be there but I was hoping that everyone would be home. To my surprise I got exactly what I wished for. Everyone was home but Jay and that was good enough. Jamir opened the door for me and I hugged him extra tight and I didn’t want to let go. I kissed my handsome son five times before he pushed me off him with his childish smile.

“Hey Ma!” Jalal shouted from inside the kitchen as he dropped whatever he was working on to walk into the living room.

He greeted me with a hug also and a kiss on the cheek. I swear I could feel butterflies in my stomach. Kahliyah folowed behind him standing off to the side but smiled and waved at me from a distance. I refrained from my first reaction to seeing the bump poking out of her T-shirt, which was to go into a rage over her not getting the abortion, but that wouldn’t have done much at al. I walked over and gave her a hug also, rubbed her bely and said hi to my grandchild. I would be a 40 year old grandmother. I made sure to poke fun at them and told them I’m not doing any babysitting because heels aren’t made for stroler pushing. They thought I was joking.

I knew Jason was home because his car was out front which means he was probably in the basement. Talk about a walk of shame. My walk down the basement steps made me feel like I was heading to the electric chair. Fortunately Jason was sleep so I wasn’t confronted instantly with eyes burning into my forehead when we encountered each other. I eased onto the bed lying next to my son cuddling up close to him. It had been so long since I had laid next to him.

When he was a little boy I would snuggle with him daily, he was my boyfriend when Jay wasn’t around. We were so affectionate with each other that I just knew it would last forever. But as Jason got older, like al boys do, he grew into his own and didn’t need me b y his side. I wanted to stay in that bed forever. Jason looked over his shoulder to see who was in his bed, startled out of his sleep. When he saw it was me he relaxed and turned back over to continue resting.

“I love you Jason and I’m so sorry if I hurt you.” Jason didn’t move or say anything. I waited for him to turn back around but he laid there for several more minutes just listening.

“I’m not sure why I did it.” I continued, “I was being selfish and I’m sorry if I ruined our family I just hope that one day you can forgive me for the embarrassment I caused.”

“Mom he told me he came onto you and that you weren’t trying to give him any play but he kept persisting. I knew Kai always admired older women I just never thought he would come on to my mom. I’m not sayin that you weren’t at fault, but I know that women get lonely and that if her man’s not paying her attention that the first nigga that does she wil fal for. I don’t know what made him feel like he was the one that should give you that attention but he did. I’m not messing with Kai. I mean if he would do this to my mom then I know he would snake me for my girl. But he did tel me not to be mad at you because you just got caught up in his attention. And I know that you had to move in with him because dad kicked you out. Maybe you didn’t
have
to move in, but that was the first option and you took it. Mom I’m not a kid I know how these things go. I couldn’t believe it at the time, I stil can’t, but it was nothing that I could control.”

I was amazed at his intelect and understanding. He must’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the situation, probably as much time as I had. I was even more amazed at how Kai didn’t throw me under the bus to save himself. He took total blame for our relationship and realy it was me seducing him to take an interest in me. I guess Kai knew what relationship was realy worth saving, and I planned to thank him for that.

“What I didn’t respect was that you never came to me about it.”

Jason quickly switched from being understanding to hurt. I couldn’t speak because I knew that there was nothing I could say. He was right. I had been avoiding him instead of respecting the fact that he was an adult and I should’ve came to him like an adult and explained myself. Then again, it may have been best that I hadn’t because I would’ve told a different story from Kai and he wouldn’t have been so understanding.

Jason went on to tel me how hurt he was that I hadn’t been speaking to him over something that
I
had done. Throughout the conversation I never let go of him. Words couldn’t express how much I missed him but my body language could. I took my lashing like a child and listened to every insult he threw my way. In his eyes I was being a bad mother. Not because I cheated on his father, but because he felt as though I had lived a lie his entire life.

“You always taught me to take responsibility for my own actions and not to make others pay for my bad choices. Now you were doing the exact opposite. So I know that the lessons that you taught me growing up were just words. I can’t trust you and I can’t believe anything that you say because you wil tel me what I am
supposed
to hear.”

“Nobody’s perfect Jason.”

“Your right mom nobody’s perfect. Not being perfect is what got you into the situation, not being responsible is what kept you in it.”

Wow I was blown away. He was breaking me down and I did not see my child anymore. The funny thing is that more than anything I was proud to be his mother. I knew that I had raised a man right now even though I was sorry that it took those circumstances for me to find that out. I promised not to ever hurt him again, and that after twenty one years, maybe he could let me slide for one time. We agreed to put the past behind us and to move towards the future, but he concluded I could never meet any of his friends again.

I hung out with my boys for the rest of the night hoping that Jay would walk into the familiar family setting, but he never came home. I had even cooked for them, which they were more than happy to receive and fil up on. A spread of an oven roaster, roasted potatoes, and a homemade Caesar salad sat in our stomachs just right as we ate together as a family.

Jamir had notified me that Jay had caled and said he wouldn’t be home until late because he and Leah went out to dinner. My guess was that she couldn’t cook. However, I set a plate to the side covered in foil labeled
Jay
in permanent marker with hearts drawn around it.

It was a bit juvenile but a sweet suggestion.

I realy didn’t want to leave that night but I didn’t want to appear to be waiting for Jay. So once 10 o’clock hit I knew my family time needed to end. Leaving my family that night was hard but I knew I would be back. I missed joking with them and watching them pick with each other more than I had realized. Jamir asked me to stay until Jay got back but I planned to catch up with him at the shop.

When I arrived at Porcha’s house, Jayla was already sleep and Porscha was in the kitchen with a bowl of ice cream waiting for me to get home. She was ready to hear about my day with the boys and encouraged me to keep coming around. That was already in my plans. I had al intentions on being at that house everyday cooking dinner until Jay let me come back home. I didn’t care if Leah had to eat with us, they were my family.

As soon as I woke up the next morning and cooked breakfast, corn beef hash, cheese eggs and bacon, I flew over to the shop to deliver the food to Jay. I walked right past Ronnie not saying a word and bust into his office. Leah wasn’t there, although I was hoping she would be, but Jay was. His eyes widened as the aroma of the platter entered the office. I couldn’t hold back my smile from seeing his reaction to the plate. I handed him the plate and locked the door behind me.

“I don’t think I ever told you how sorry I am”

“You tried.”

“I can show you” I teased making him laugh and loosen up.

“Is that for me?”

I delightfuly handed him the breakfast plate which he gladly accepted. Without hesitation he pul ed out a fork from his desk and began chowing down on the food. I had to laugh at how fast he was attacking the food as if he hadn’t had a good meal in months. You would’ve thought he was fresh out of prison the way he was licking his fingers and smacking with every bite.

“Mae that food from yesterday was realy good, thanks. I haven’t had corn beef hash in so long girl I missed your cooking!”

Those words ranged bels throughout my body. If I had to cook for him every day three times a day I would just to keep him near.

“I left him Jay, I want you back and I’m not giving up on us. So you can tel Leah that some problems are about to come y’al way.”

He looked up at me with one eyebrow raised as if my words were coming from left field. I hoped he didn’t think I was making him this food just because I liked cooking! He swalowed his food and took a few more bites before expressing his thoughts.

“Mae this food is great but we’re not getting back together.”

I wanted to smack the fork from out of his hands for the insult. I didn’t care about what he was saying because I had no intentions on not being with him. I ignored his words as if they were written in clear ink.

“Jay sometimes you talk crazy on an empty stomach keep eating your food.”

“Ain’t nothing crazy about me! I know what I want and what I don’t want. And I don’t want a woman that would give up a lifetime of love for a moment of happiness.”

His words didn’t phase me because I knew that this wouldn’t be an easy fight. What person wouldn’t put up a fight with someone who cheated on them?

“Jay I love you…can you honestly say you don’t love me?” He looked at me and shook his head no, but we both knew that was a lie.