Falling Forward (16 page)

FOURTEEN: THE END

I have always tended to avoid conflict at all costs. I dreaded the fact that at some point, I would have to deal with Richard face-to-face. He had a short verbal fuse at times, although thankfully he was never physical towards me. And that was probably because I placated him and deferred to his every whim. But I was proud that I had firmly decided our relationship was over. Hell, I had been unfaithful for the first time in my life, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Our marriage and relationship were both irreparable. We could never have trust again. I hoped Richard felt the same way. Knowing him as I did, there would be no handshake and good luck wishes. I knew there was no way he would make this easy.

I slowly pulled into my development. It was almost dark outside. A week had passed, so I should have been able to easily slip by my neighbors. But that Mrs. Rodriguez doesn’t miss a damn thing. There she was, in the dark, tending to her garden, and giving me the same dirty look she gave me every time she saw me during the past two years. I cussed to myself, and kept driving slowly, like a burglar casing her next heist. She walked out into the street and continued to watch me. She knew it was my house. I just hoped she wasn’t going to call the police.

I opened the garage door and pulled inside. Richard’s car was not there. I expelled a sigh of relief. As the garage door closed behind me, I could see Mrs. Rodriguez in my rear view mirror, standing in the middle of the street,  still staring ominously.

I realized the car was still running with the garage door closed. I quickly turned off the engine. I gathered myself and opened the car door. I fumbled for my house key in the myriad of oddly shaped keys on my key ring. Kalani told me that looking at someone’s key ring can tell much about a person. “If your key ring is too full, it’s time for simplification,” he said. My key ring was definitely ready for simplification. Two bulky car keys, two work keys, two filing cabinet keys, a storage facility key, a key to Michelle’s house, and some Brighton knick knack that I decided would be the only single thing I would keep. The first key I was shedding was this blasted house key.

I finally managed to open the door. I turned on the lights, not knowing what to expect. But everything was where it was supposed to be, so I was relieved. I walked into my dream kitchen, turned the pendant lights on, and tossed my keys on the granite counter. I chased my keys with my hand as I ran my hand over the counter, admiring the sheen and sparkle of the Uba Tuba slab I meticulously selected from a warehouse hundreds of miles from my home while building this house. I then found it satirical that I would actually miss a piece of stone.

But was it the piece of stone I would miss, or was I feeling prematurely homesick for my life with Richard? My mind began to spiral backwards into that mistake that becomes so inevitable for so many women. After all, if I kept my mouth shut, I might be able to continue to live my normal lackluster, unloving, yet fairly comfortable life. I could continue to enjoy my cold and lifeless stone. Or, I could break free from this life-sucking situation, just like I had advised Michelle on several occasions, and find something else that was considerably better for my soul. Old Olivia would have probably stayed here, I thought as I admired my eight-burner Wolf stove with its stone backsplash and pasta sink. But what would
Liv
do? Surely, my dream situation had to involve more than a pretty but cold kitchen. I remembered how warm I felt in Kalani’s much more modest kitchen with its tight quarters and warped floors.

Then I couldn’t remember Richard ever setting foot in this kitchen when he wasn’t raiding the pantry for potato chips. I never got a hug after a difficult day. He never said thank you for the few special dinners I prepared for him. His “could you get me a beer hon” used to grate on my nerves.
Liv
would in no way settle for such a status quo.

That was it. Goodbye granite. Goodbye Wolf. Goodbye pasta sink. Goodbye Richard. And goodbye Olivia.

“Hey, Olivia, can we talk?” said a voice from the shadows behind the stairs. Every hair on my body stood up as every muscle jolted in a debilitating fear. My knees almost gave out, but I caught myself. I couldn’t move as I realized I wasn’t alone. Richard came out from the shadow in the hallway between the kitchen and butlers’ pantry. I scared shitless, but I was relieved it was him. He was wearing a white robe. His hair was a mess. He must have just gotten out of the shower and heard the garage door open.

“You’re… you’re not supposed to be here,” I said, stuttering, when I could finally find the strength to move once again. “I didn’t see your car.”

“Why wouldn’t I be here? It’s my house. The real question is, where the hell have you been, Olivia?”

Now I was pissed. How dare he question
me
. “Really? The police come to my house at six in the morning and cart you off in your underwear in front of all my neighbors, for suspicion of ATTEMPTED MURDER of your girlfriend, and you have the gall to ask me where I’ve been?”

I was beginning to get furious. This man had ruined my life and was now attempting to deflect blame towards me. I wasn’t going to have it.

“Olivia, it’s not like that. Let me explain…” Richard said, as he walked towards me. He had that look on his face, the same look he had when he was blatantly lying to any of his customers. Richard was proud of his lies as a salesman. Those lies had made him fairly wealthy.

I backed off and turned away. “You don’t have to explain. I saw the news.”

Richard ran his fingers through his wet hair. It was getting longer than he usually kept it. He got his hair cut by an old barber next to his office like clockwork. Apparently, he missed this month’s appointment. I guess there’s no haircuts in the can. I needed to keep everything in perspective. As much as I would have preferred it, things were not normal. Things would never be normal again.

“I didn’t do anything. It’s all bullshit. That bitch is crazy,” he said, again with a deadpan, serious, and convincing tone.

I wanted to spill my guts so badly. I wanted to tell him I spoke with her. But, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, I needed to find out for myself if perhaps it was her that was lying. Maybe she was still conniving and angry that she was failing to extort money from Richard, the king of all extortionists. I couldn’t believe I was thinking this, but maybe Richard was innocent. Maybe this was all some kind of strange orchestrated shakedown. I bit. “Richard, just sit down. Tell me what happened.” I sat down at the large round kitchen table beside the window. Richard poured himself a brandy and plopped a couple of ice cubes in it.

“Want one?” he asked.

I declined. I hated brandy, and he knew it. He sat across from me, looking down at his glass as he swirled his ice cubes. I found that annoying too.

“Olivia, I don’t know how to sugar coat this, so I’m just going to come out and say it. I did have an affair. I don’t know why. It was all my fault. I tried to end it, but the bitch went crazy. She started asking for money or she was going to tell you.” He took a long drink and stared at his glass. I waited to see if he would say more, but he was quiet as he continued staring at the table. I wondered why he would admit his affair.

“Richard, look at me.” He kept his gaze at his glass. “Richard…
look at me
,” I insisted. He finally looked up. His attempt at a boyhood innocence look was pathetic. Although he was a terrific liar, he was a terrible actor.

“How long was this going on?” He knew I had talked to Paul, but I wanted to see if he would tell me the truth. I didn’t necessarily want to cut all ties with this man I had spent almost half of my life with. If nothing else, I hoped we could remain civil. This was a small town.

“I don’t know, a couple of months.” He turned towards me and grabbed my hands from across the table. “I love you, Olivia. Only you. I don’t love her. It was just… I don’t know. She came on to me. I was weak, I admit it. It was stupid. I am so sorry, Olivia. It will never happen again. Can you give me a chance? I’ll prove it to you.”

I realized I was now in control of the situation. I was never quite sure why, but I had always let Richard lead in everything we did, but not today. I was feeling a little feisty. “Richard, I saw your little Hawaii trip on your computer. You know, it was my birthday last week. I thought for sure that trip was a surprise for me. When I found out it was for that whore, I was floored. The whole thing doesn’t make sense. You supposedly ended it with her. Then you plan a trip to Hawaii with her. Then you hire someone to snuff her out. It doesn’t add up, does it?”

“Olivia…”

“Shut up, Richard.” He got up to pour another glass of brandy. “What was it about me that wasn’t enough for you? Am I not pretty enough? Am I too old? What’s the fucking problem with me? I let you do whatever you want. Your business trips. Your golf weekends with your buddies. Your bullshit fishing trips. All while I sat here like a pathetic fool waiting for you to come home. I gave you everything I had. I gave you my prime child bearing years, expecting to grow old with you. And this is how you reward me? You’re a piece of shit, Richard. We’re done.”

Richard was silent. He then slammed the bottle on the counter. “So you went to Hawaii anyway. And who the fuck is Halani, or whatever his name is? Is he fucking black?”

I wondered how he knew about Kalani. It must have been my cell phone. Even though I changed my number, I had neglected to close our joint account and open a new one. He must have looked it up. That was foolish. But I didn’t care. “You’re such an asshole, Richard. Why is it alright for you to fuck your girlfriend while I’m at home being ignored? So I’m not allowed to have any fun? Who do you think you are?”

Richard was getting very angry. I was becoming nervous. He stared at the wall. “See? So you’re just as bad as I am. Did you fuck him?”

I could tell he was negotiating again, trying to turn this into my fault. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. I had never been on the receiving end of Richard becoming really angry. And this was a potentially psycho situation. But I was pissed too. “What difference does it make now? We’re done.”

Richard threw his glass against the stone backsplash. It shattered everywhere. That was a particularly dumb thing to do, especially because he had no shoes on. I stood up and moved towards the front door. Richard didn’t move. I was relieved. “So, what happens now? We get divorced? All our friends have to choose to take sides? What the fuck am I supposed to tell my parents?”

I laughed nervously. “Richard, you have bigger fish to fry than telling your parents about you and me. This doesn’t have to get ugly. We can work through this. Socially, anyway. But I do want a divorce. We’re broken beyond repair. We have been for some time. And you know it.”

Richard ran over to me, stepping on the broken glass and reeling in pain as he realized his stupidity. He put his hands on my shoulders and faced me towards him.

“Olivia, please. I need you. Don’t leave. We can work this out. It will never happen again.”

“Richard, it’s too late for that. Have you spoken with Kim?” I asked.

He was silently puzzled. “No, why? I’m not allowed to speak to her. She has a restraining order or some shit.” He looked concerned. “Did that bitch call you?”

“No. I called her. Found her number in your car. Maybe you and her can work something out. She’s going to be part of your life for at least the next 18 years whether you like it or not.”

Richard’s jaw dropped as he released me. “What… what the fuck does that mean?” He knew damn well what I meant.

“You know that child you never wanted? Kim told me she’s pregnant. And it’s yours. Apparently, you didn’t get that memo yet. Hmmm. Way to go, daddy.”

I attempted to grab my keys off the counter, but Richard knocked them out of my hand. He grabbed my wrists tightly. I tried to wriggle out, but he squeezed me harder. “Richard, that hurts. Let me go.”

I thought about kicking him, but I was still hoping for a peaceful resolution. Richard tried to kiss me, but I kept moving my face away from his. He pushed me against the door between the kitchen and the garage, pushing his body towards mine. I was struggling to get out of his hold but Richard was too strong. He let one of my hands go and he put his hand on my breast. I tried to push it away. “Get the hell off of me, Richard! You’re hurting me!”

I finally kicked him in the shin. He let go of my hand. I ran towards the front door. Richard limped in chase. As I struggled to open the front door, Richard pulled my hair back and threw me to the ground. He sat on top of me.

“You’re not leaving here, Olivia. We’re not getting divorced. We’re going to work this out, and we’re going to be happy again.”

He began to unbutton my jeans. I was smacking him in the face but he seemed unfettered. He grabbed my wrists and wrestled them to the floor.

“You want a fucking baby? I’m going to give you a baby, bitch.” I was scared to death. I was about to be raped by my estranged husband.

All sorts of thoughts went through my mind at that moment. Richard was angry, and he was much more powerful than I. Every piece of advice I had ever heard about being a victim in this situation warned me against fighting back. Was I supposed to just lay there and take it? That wasn’t who I was. I wanted to pound the shit out of him, but I knew that wasn’t prudent or possible. I had slept with this man for twenty years, so maybe it wasn’t really rape. But did Richard want to kill me? Was he capable of this type of thing? He didn’t attack Kim himself, he hired someone. But could I be next if I didn’t submit to his wishes?