Falling Hard (5 page)

The first few days after we made love felt like a beautiful dream. I woke in bed with her each morning thinking things were too perfect. I was happier than I’d ever been. Tanya seemed thrilled, too. Thomasie was a happy, healthy baby. I loved coming home to them each night after work. We felt like a family. And I wanted to keep things that way.

“Have you ever considered not returning to work?” I asked her as we had dinner one night.

“Yes and then reality rears its head and I have to think about Thomas's and my future.”

“Why don't you let me do that, honey?”

She put her fork down. “You?”

“Yes. Me”

“You already work a difficult job.”

“I like my job so it's not difficult and I'm happy to get a part time one so you can stay home and be a full-time mom.”

“That's a big step, Tom.”

“I know, but it’s what I want to do. Will you think about it?”

“I don't have to. I want that too...if you're sure.”

I reached across the table to hold her hand. “I'm very sure.”

“Then so am I, but I don't want you working any second job. I'll get a part time one.”

“That's not necessary. I—”

“Let's do that and then neither one of us will be too tired to enjoy our time with Tommy and each other.”

“Okay, you can start looking for a part time job in a few months. For now, stay home with Tommy.”

She nodded. “Deal.”

I squeezed her hand. “And in the meantime, let's start looking around for a house.”

“A house? Tom..a house?”

I nodded. “Ryan and I have been talking about opening a garage of our own for a while. Now I think it's something we really want to do.” I had other plans I wasn't ready to discuss with her yet. Plans to marry her. I felt pretty sure she cared for me as deeply as I did her.

But I wanted to surprise her. So one Saturday I told her I was going fishing and spent the day in the city visiting jewelry stores until I found what I thought was the perfect ring for her. I rented a cabin by the lake and arranged to take a week off from work.

When I told Tanya about my week off, she was thrilled, and immediately planned each day. “It'll be the best week ever,” she whispered as we lay in bed together.

“Oh, I don't know about that.” I rolled her onto her back and settled between her thighs. “The last ones we've shared had been pretty good.”

“And this one will be better if you make love to me,” she said.

Mom didn't raise any fools. I slipped on a condom and slipped into the sweet heat that would soon belong exclusively to me. Although we had never actually said
I love you
to each other, the way she welcomed me into her body and moved with me as we made love gave me hope that her feelings were as real as mine.

Jim had been gone for eight months by the time I knew I wanted to marry her. Though he sent an occasional postcard from California assuring me that he was fine and planned on coming back for Tanya, I no longer believed he’d ever cared for her.

If he had, he wouldn't have stayed away from her for so long. Hell, he'd never even called to ask how she and the baby were. For all he knew and cared she could have a new man in her life--like me.

Imagine my surprise when he called the apartment the night before we were leaving to spend a week at the cabin I'd rented.

“Tom, you’ve been a prince, but I know you’ll be pleased that I’ll be coming back home tomorrow.”

I felt as if I’d had the air punched out of my lungs. “What for?” I asked him.

“For Tanya and the baby. Boy or girl?”

He was a piece of work. It took him six months to ask the sex of his child. “A boy,” I heard myself murmur.

“It’s Jim Jr., then,” he said smugly. “Where’s Tanya?”

“She's at the market.”

“Damn. I can't wait to see. Tell her, I’ll be there some time after five tomorrow night.”

“Yeah? Well, what makes you think you can just waltz back into her life after eight months of silence?” I demanded.

“I don’t think, Tom. I know. She’s mine, and so is the baby.”

Not any damned more she wasn't!

“Look, I know the effect she has on men so I can imagine what’s been going on.”

I swallowed hard.

“But it’s over, Tom. She’s mine and I want her and my baby back.”

“Then where the hell were you when she needed you?”

“I couldn't take care of her. I had to put myself in a position to give her and our baby what they deserved. I'm coming home for her, Tom.”

“She’s not yours anymore.”

“The hell she isn't. I know I put you two in a difficult situation so I'm willing to overlook what I know has been going on. But I'm coming back for her so you need to get over her.”

“You weren't here for her when she needed you most. I was.”

“And I'm grateful for that, Tom.”

“Keep your gratitude and keep your ass in L.A. because I’ll be damned if I let you take either one of them from me, Jim.”

“Why don’t we let Tanya decide which one of us she wants?” he asked, his voice full of confidence. “I’m willing to abide by her decision. Are you?”

“Go to hell!” I said and slammed down the phone.

I hated to admit it, but my weasel of a brother was right. Tanya would have to decide which one of us she wanted to be with. After spending four months as her lover, I should have felt confident enough to be sure she'd pick me.

But I wasn't. I knew I should’ve told her about his call when she came back from the market, but I couldn’t. She seemed happy enough with me, but perhaps that was only because she thought she couldn’t have Jim. With him back in the picture, there was no way she would choose me over him. I couldn’t give her and Tommy up without a fight.

That night, afraid we might be sharing a bed together for the last time, I couldn't get enough of her. After eating her to a climax, I slipped between her legs and made love to her. After I groaned and pumped my way to an orgasm, I lay trembling in her arms.

She held me close, kissing my hair. “What's wrong?” She asked.

“Nothing.” I rolled away from her, replaced the soiled condom with a new one, and slipped back between her thighs. “I just need you again.”

She slipped her arms around me. “Then take me again because I'm yours, Tom. All yours.”

“All mine,” I said and pushed into her.

She slid her palms over my butt and offered me her lips.

Sucking her tongue into my mouth, I held her close and we moved together, loving each other until we both came. Then I did something she'd never allowed me to do before. I pulled out of her, discarded the condom, and thrust back into her.

She gasped, clutched me close, and squeezed her vaginal muscles around my cock until I groaned, and spilled my seed as deep into her as I could. Then we kissed, cuddled, and fell asleep in each other's arms.

Just before dawn, I woke to find her straddling my hips, about to impale herself on me.

I pushed my hips up and groaned with pleasure as my cock slipped up into her.

“Oh...so good...you feel so good,” she moaned and began to ride me slowly.

As I held her hips and enjoyed the feel of her bucking and rocking herself to a climax on my cock, I told myself she couldn't possibly want to do this with anyone but me. If only I believed that, I would have been straight with her.

“What’s the matter, Tom?” Tanya asked as we loaded up the mini-van I’d rented for our trip the next morning.

“Nothing. I’m just a little tired after last night.”

She bit her lip. “Do you regret last night?”

“No! Why would I? It was the most incredible night of my life...do you regret it?”

“No.”

“Why would I?”

“Because we were reckless and we shouldn't have been.”

“Last night was the best sex I've ever enjoyed. In fact, it was more than sex to me. I could never regret it.”

“Then what's wrong?”

“Nothing. I'm just anxious to get on the road.” I stared at her. I wanted to trust her enough to explain the reason for my anxiety, but couldn't face the thought of losing her any sooner than I had to.

She linked her arm through mine. “Then let's get this party started, handsome.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

We finished loading the mini-van and left.

Once we hit the highway, I breathed easier. I knew Jim would find us sooner or later, but I intended to savor each moment of our remaining time together.

We spent the first few days of our vacation walking the trails, going horseback riding, and sitting together quietly. But at night, the moment Tommy was asleep, I was all over Tanya. I couldn’t get enough of her and spent most of the nights buried balls deep inside her.

On our fourth night, with half our time at the cabin gone, a feeling of panic set in. I woke in the middle of the night and reached for Tanya. “No!” She pushed me away and scrambled out of bed.

She turned on the light and I saw her standing in the middle of the floor, clutching her bathrobe around herself. “What’s the matter with you, Tom? I’m tired and I need to rest. I’m going to sleep in the baby’s room.”

I sat up in bed. “No, Tanya. Please.”

“I’m not in the mood to be treated like your personal slut tonight! I’m tired of you pawing at me all night long. You’re wearing me out!”

I think that’s when I knew that I didn’t have to worry about losing her to Jim. How could I lose someone that I never really had? She didn’t love me—never had and never would. No matter how much I loved or wanted her, it would never be enough to make her feel the same way about me.

“It's useless. Isn't it?”

“I have no idea what you're talking about, Tom. I only know I'm tired.”

And not in love with me. I sighed and told her about Jim's call.

For a long time she stared at me. Then she shook her head. “You mean he was coming for me and Tommy the very day we left on vacation?”

I nodded.

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“Apparently not.”

“How dare you! How dare you make decisions for me!”

I shrugged.

“You had no right to try and come between us, Tom. None!”

“Well now you know.”

“You...how dare you?”

“You're repeating yourself,” I said and rolled over onto my stomach.

I heard her leaving the room, but I was too busy trying to control the tears that stung my eyes to try to stop her. Besides, she'd clearly had enough of me. It was just too bad I hadn't had nearly enough of her.

We left for home the next day. I felt I should apologize, but the words wouldn’t come. Maybe because it felt wrong to apologize for loving her. The only thing I regretted was that she didn’t love me—that she still wanted Jim after all the time we’d spent together.

We didn't talk on the way home and I'd never felt so alone. Or afraid that I was spending my last hours with her.

I wasn’t surprised to find Jim at the apartment when we arrived home that night. I watched as my younger, far more handsome brother took the woman I loved into his arms, and kissed her passionately.

I turned away and carried Tommy into his room. My hands shook as I undressed him and put him to bed. By this time tomorrow he and his mother would be out of my life. What was I supposed to do without them?

I was standing over Tommy‘s crib, looking at him when I heard the bedroom door open behind me.

“Tom? Jim and I are going for a ride. We need to talk. Will you babysit for a while?”

I nodded without turning to face her. I knew if I took one look at her I’d start begging her not to leave me.

“Isn’t there anything you want to say to me, Tom?”

“No.” As much as I wanted her, I wasn’t going to beg.

“Fine,” she snapped. “I’ll see you whenever we get back.”

I tried to wait up for them, but after the long drive and stress over Jim’s return, I was too tired. I stretched out on the floor beside Tommy’s crib and fell asleep.

It was morning when I woke. Tanya stood on the other side of the room, packing her clothes.

I stood up. “So you’re going?”

“That’s what it looks like,” she said glancing in my direction. She slammed the suitcase shut and turned to lift Tommy out of his crib. He was wearing the blue denim overalls and the baseball cap I’d just bought him.