Falling Stars (31 page)

"Start
where you want." The words came out quieter than I'd intended, but he
heard me. I started to slide my hand away, but he grabbed it and held it. I
didn't pull away.

Chapter
Sixteen

When
her hand touched, my arm there was the instant reprieve. She began to pull the
hand away, but, in that moment, I needed her touch more than anything. Holding
her hand in place, I didn't release my worried breath until I was sure she wasn't
going to move.

 "I-I'm
sorry about last night." Looking down at her hand, I mumbled. The black
nail polish was starting to chip from the tips of her fingers.

"It's
–"

"No,
it's not okay." Still unable to look into her eyes, I took a deep breath. "I'm
sorry I scared you." Finally getting my balls back, I shifted my eyes to
hers and grasped her hand with both of mine. "I need you to know I wasn't
going to hurt you. I would never…I…" Pausing, I removed one hand to run it
through my hair.

"You
know I have dreams," My eyes found hers once more.

Without
breaking eye contact, she gave a small nod. "Nightmares" she spoke
softly.

"Yeah,
nightmares," I sighed. "I know Nicholas told you about," before
I could think about finishing what I was saying she grabbed my hand with both
of hers, looking at me with reassurance, "About before I came to live with
him."

She
nodded again and started chewing on her lip again.

"Last
night I had a nightmare, but this time," my chest tightened at the
remembrance, "This time you were there and you were…hurt." My eyes
found the bed again. I couldn't look at her, afraid of the emotion I would see
in her eyes at my admittance.

When
her hand squeezed mine, I reflexively raised my eyes to her. She half smiled
with understanding in her eyes. I'd expected her to start pushing me away the
more she learned. It didn't seem to be coming so I continued.

"I
had no right to…to just barge in and…do what I did last night. I can't even
tell you how sorry I am for all the hell I've put you through; the comments,
the looks, the 'sick arrangement' at night." Swallowing hard, I remember
the words coming from her mouth.

"My
nightmares…..they….well…" Rubbing the back of my neck, I tried to relieve
some of the tension building in my shoulders. "They involve 'that night,'
when I lost…" My throat tightened and I could finish.

"You
don't have to talk about it." Squeezing my hand, she scooted closer. Her
eyes weren't just full of compassion, but pity as well. I hated the pity.

"That's
where you're wrong," I snorted. "Everyone thinks I need to…and to be
honest…I'm starting to agree, but –"

"Don't
do it until you're ready." My eyes detoured from hers just for a moment,
glancing down to her mouth. "And you definitely don't have to explain to
me," she smiled easily.

"The
thing is…I don't think I could…tell anyone else." My eyes dropped back to
the mattress as her body tensed.

Here
it comes. She's going to run, going to leave.

"Well
then…I'll listen."

Jerking
my head up to look back into her eyes, I didn't believe she'd really spoken.
Determination set in her dark eyes. She tightened her hold on me once more.
Should I have really expected any less from the person who never does what I
expect her to do? I swallowed my nerves and apprehension.

"I
was eleven when my…when she was…when she died."

"Your
mother," she stated as fact, not question. I nodded anyhow.

"My
fath-step-father…" Rage began bubbling in my chest, images flashed in my
head.

"Was
the cause," again a fact, not question. I nodded to confirm.

"He
was angry because I wasn't his son, among other things," Inhaling deeply,
I blew out the large nervous breath. "He'd known, but it all came to a
head over time." Blinking back the moisture in my eyes, my next words
poured from my lips. "It was meant for me."

Her
small gasp almost snapped my control on my tears.

"He
meant to hurt or you know, you?" This time it was a question. And as
before, all I could do was nod.

"She…she
protected me," the tears wouldn't be held back any longer. "She saved
me." The sob ripped through my unwilling chest and throat like scissors
through paper. Using both hands, I buried my face in my palms.

The
images flashed behind my eyelids and his shouting at her and at me echoed in my
ears. All the blood, it was everywhere. Rocking back and forth, the sobs
intensified. My chest tightened as that night played out in full perspective.

It
took me a moment to realize she had wrapped her arms around me. Holding my back
to her chest, she rocked with me, allowing me to carry on.

Overcome
by the relief her presence provided, I turned in her arms. Wrapping mine around
her waist, I pulled her closer. She shifted and laid us back onto the bed. My
head was against her chest, my arms around her waist, and her arms around my
shoulders. When she began stroking my head, I started to calm enough to
continue.

"He
told me it was my fault, that I should've never happened and it was supposed to
be me," squeezing her tightly, she squeezed back. Her reassurance relaxed
me.

"Then
he started holding her after he…" The rage start to boil again in the pit
of my stomach and my jaw tightened.

"Shhh…you
don't have to say anything else," her right hand stroked my hair. Her left
hand lies on the side of my face. My tears dampened her palm.

"I
killed him."

"I
know. It's okay." She said quietly.

"I
don't feel regret for…" I broke off. I'd taken a man's life. The man I'd
seen as my father for years. Yet, I felt nothing but satisfaction for doing it.
I was a monster.

"I'm
glad I –"

"It's
okay."

Anger
built. Leaning on my elbow, partially hovering over her body, I looked to her
face. Her eyes were full of confusion.

"How's
it okay to kill someone and not care? What kind of monster does that make me?!"
She flinched at my shout, but the fear quickly dissolved from her features.

With
both hands on the sides of my head, she pulled me closer to her.

"You
were only a boy, Chris. He took the person you loved most away from you. He
betrayed you. You didn't betray him."

Dropping
my forehead to her chest, I inhaled deeply. The scent of her tamed my anger.

"It
was my fault. It should have been me, not…her." Tears streamed over my
nose, absorbing into her t-shirt.

"Do
you think she would say that?" Her hands ran rhythmically through my hair.
"It shouldn't have been anyone, but that wasn't your fault."

"It's
my fault he's dead." I spoke harsher than intended.

"He
would've killed you. You protected yourself, which is exactly what she would
have wanted."

She
wasn't placating me though she barely knew me. Yet she talked as if she knew
exactly what my mother would say and feel. I didn't deserve everything she'd
been doing for me. Waves of emotions washed through me.

We
fell silent.

I'm
not sure how long we laid there in silence or when exactly I'd fallen asleep,
but I woke later from a peaceful dreamless sleep. Opening my eyes, Mia slept
next to me – my arms around her like she was a child's stuffed bear.

Leaning
up to take in her peaceful face, her hand slid from my head. Brushing a few
strands of hair from her face, I got lost in her features, again. Her lips, her
skin, her neck, I ran my fingers lightly across her cheek. She was so soft.
Without thinking, I skimmed my fingers over her lips.

Knock…knock…knock…

Pulling
back, I quickly lie back down, closing my eyes.

"Mia
we need –" Laney entered the room, but quickly fell silent.

With
the sound of soft steps, I was sure she had turned and left. Curiosity finally
won. I turned my head and opened my eyes. She hadn't left. In fact, she was
sauntering over with a huge smile. The moment her eyes met mine her smile
morphed into a smirk.

"What?"
I whispered.

"Nothing,"
she shrugged. Grinning mischievously, she disappeared into the closet.
Reappearing a few minutes later with some clothes, she set them out.

Laney
walked over to Mia's side of the bed.

"Mia!"

A
loud grunting noise erupted from her. "What?" she grumbled.

"We
have to get ready for dinner, remember? So you need to get up." Laney
nudged her arm.

Mia
groaned and started to stretch. The length of her body pressed against mine,
warm and inviting. Her eyes flew open, snapped to me, and then took in our
position.

"Shit,
sorry," she rolled away quickly.

Fighting
my groan of disappointment, I sucked on my lips to stop any verbal protests. Instead,
I shrugged.

"Come
on Mia, we're gonna late." Laney threw the clothes at her and walked
toward the door.

Were
they having dinner with someone? If so, who
? My hands fisted
the comforter.

"You've
got about thirty minutes to get ready." Laney yelled over her shoulder and
exited the room.

"Damn
it! I can't believe I slept that long." Mia groaned. Once up she drug
herself toward the bathroom.

The
muffled sound of water spraying hit me. Quickly, I left before she came back
out.

Once
of the hotel room I took a deep breath. My stomach churned and the tension I
was experiencing wasn't normal after having slept so well. I needed Doctor J.
Something felt wrong, really wrong.

Calling
him along the way, I wanted him to be ready for me. He was only a few floors
down. When he answered the door, he was in a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and bare
feet. This was new. Casual Doc, compared to the suits I normally saw him wear.

"Come
in," he motioned for me to enter. Taking a seat in a chair, I slouched
back as my leg began to bounce nervously.

"So,
what can I do for you?" he eyed me closely.

"About
this morning –" I ran my hand through my hair.

"Don't
worry about this morning; just tell me what's going on." His eyes didn't
leave me while he sat across from me.

Sighing,
I leaned forward, elbows to knees.

"I
had a typical dream, but this time Mia was a part of it."

"Christopher,
what is a typical dream?" He leaned toward me.

"I
– I…Shit!" I put my head into my hands.

"It's
okay," I heard the frustration in Doctor J's voice.

"I
talked to her." I mumbled without looking up.

"You
told her? You opened up and told her about that night?" He didn't hide his
disbelief or excitement.

"Sort
of," I exhaled.

"Can
you explain 'sort of' to me?" The chair creaked as he settled back into
his seat.

"Nicholas
had already told her what I'm sure he told you, so she already had an idea. I
just included some unknowns." I heard his mouth open, but stopped him
before he could speak. "I didn't talk about the whole night." I still
couldn't look into his face.

"I
see," he sighed. "Well it's a start, a good start."

I
sighed.

"I
know you hate this, but can you tell me about your emotions right now?"

"They're
the same." I groaned loudly. My stomached churned, contradicting my
statement.

"Christopher,"
he wasn't buying it.

"Christ!
Look I'm not sure how I'm feeling, okay?" Slouching back in my seat, I
finally looked at him.

"About…about
her knowing?" I could look at him, but couldn't speak. Instead, I shook my
head. "What about then?"

"I'm
not sure I just have this nervous feeling." Laying my head on the back of
the chair, I broke my eyes from him. "And then this tension is looming
over me. I've never felt this after sleeping, really sleeping."

"When
did you get nervous? After your dream, after you spoke to her, after you woke
up?"

"I
thought she would take off running or be terrified after we talked, but she wasn't.
She never does what I think she will." The confession felt surprisingly
good to verbalize.

"Okay,
so what did you say when you left to come here?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"She
was getting ready to go to dinner with someone when I left." I shrugged.

The
intensity of his examination started to make me fidget.

"Someone?"

"Yeah,
she and the rest of the girls are going out with some guy tonight." My
stomach tightened again. I swallowed back the lump forming in my throat.