Falling to Pieces (21 page)

“What happened to your hands?”
Blastoff!

“Nothing.” Having taken the entire morning to solidify it, I had my explanation lined up and ready to go. “The stupid clock on my living room wall fell last night and I
cut my hands trying to clean it up.”

The lie churned my gut, but the truth would have done worse to Kiernan.

“Are you okay?” Pulling my hand closer, he peeled back part of the bandage to peek underneath. “Are you sure you don’t need stitches? Mom could—”

“No. I’m fine, Kiernan. Really.
She already looked. They’re not even bleeding anymore. I just didn’t want them to get infected.”

I cast a glance over Kiernan’s shoulder and made
an instantaneous decision. I never wanted to play poker with Caulder Parks. He stood there, his face a complete blank, as though he had no idea what I was talking about.

I avoided having a stroke for the rest of the afternoon by the grace of the Parks boys alone. They went above and beyond trying to distract me from my nauseating thoughts, even going as far as suffering through one of their mother’s ‘chick flicks’. It helped, but not as much as when
Caulder pulled out an old photo album and they started sharing stories of the places they’d been and the things they’d seen, gracefully sweeping over any mention of their father by some unspoken agreement.

Kiernan could surf. I
didn’t know that about him, but I wasn’t surprised. I doubted there was anything the boy couldn’t do. And Caulder loved Paris. I couldn’t even
imagine
Paris, but the pictures from their trip were amazing. They’d been to the Eiffel Tower and the Roman Coliseum. Ireland, Egypt, Australia, the Parks’ covered the globe. Been places and seen things I could only dream about. But they took me there, on an amazing adventure, through their pictures and their narrations.

They hadn’t visited solely as tourists. They’d immersed themselves in the culture,
even volunteering— everything from beach cleanup crews to soup kitchens—everywhere they went. And they seemed to have loved every second of it. The two of them got so wrapped up in recounting every last detail to me, from the sights and sounds and scents to the local cuisine that I almost felt as though I’d been there with them.

We went around the world in four hours until Kiernan slid the book closer to himself and began examining a family shot more closely. His fingers trailed over the faces of each of his family members as though committing them to memory.

Brow scrunched, he lifted his gaze to me. “Where’s my mom?”

I wasn’t entirely sure I understood the question. “With . . . my mom?”

“Oh.” He made it sound like that was news to him. “And my dad? Where’s he? Still at work?”

A cold knot twisted in the pit of my stomach. What was happening? “Kiernan . . . Are you okay?”

“Would you excuse us for a minute, Jade?” Nothing ever seemed to faze Caulder. “I need to speak with my brother.”

He didn’t have to tell me twice. Whatever was going on,
Caulder seemed to have it under control. Then again, he always did. I moved into the kitchen to give them some privacy and anxiously paced the floor.

Ten minutes later, I was beginning to wear out the tiles when
Caulder came to find me. “Is he okay? Is there something wrong with—?”

“He’s fine.”
Caulder lifted his hands, urging me to relax. “It’s the tumor. Sometimes it puts a little extra pressure on his brain and makes him . . . confused.”

“How long does it last?”

“Depends. Usually not long. He’s fine now. Just embarrassed. He hates it when he forgets stuff like that. It’s why I asked you to leave the room. It wasn’t personal. He just . . . didn’t need an audience.”

“No. Of course not.” I was bordering on speechless trying to imagine what it must be like to have to live that way. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah. It’s not particularly fun having to hear that your dad bailed on you when you needed him most over and over again, and feeling like it’s the first time, every time.”

My heart clenched. Not just for Kiernan, but for
Caulder, as well. “It can’t be much fun having to be the one to break the news over and over again, either.”

“No. Not much.”
Caulder glanced away, stretched his neck and cleared his throat. “Why don’t you go check on Kiernan and I’ll get something started in here for dinner?”

My eyes shot to the clock and I nearly choked. It was after five and Mrs. Parks still wasn’t home. She couldn’t possibly still be with my mother . . . Could she? Maybe leaving her there alone had been a mistake.

I wandered toward the living room in a daze, too lost in my own thoughts to really notice where I was going. Autopilot led me right back to Kiernan, where I sank down onto the sofa.

“Jade?” I twisted to find him watching me. “You alright?”

“Yeah, I just . . .” I looked at him for a long moment, letting my thoughts settle. What had just happened with him felt too big to simply ignore, but I knew what it felt like to be humiliated, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Certainly not Kiernan. Besides, what was there really to say? So, instead, I focused on the other issue I was equally unlikely to solve. “I should probably get home. It’s getting late.”

“You know what my mom said. She wanted to talk with your mom privately.”

“That was
hours
ago, Kiernan.” I shot a glance at the kitchen to make sure Caulder was out of earshot. “Maybe we shouldn’t have left her there alone.”

A grin tipped one side of Kiernan’s mouth, brining only one dimple out to play. “You think your mom has her tied up in the bathtub?”

Okay, when he said it like that, but . . . “What could possibly be taking so long?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure my mom will tell us everything when she gets back.”

I took a deep breath and folded my arms around the middle to hide the way my hands had begun trembling. “I have to go home eventually, Kiernan. And my mom . . . She’s . . .”

“Hey.” Prying my arms open, Kiernan slid me onto his lap and fold
ed me in his. “It’s gonna be alright. Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” He planted a soft kiss on my forehead and buried his face in my hair. “I promise.”

I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to go anywhere. If it were up to me, I would have stayed right there in Kiernan’s arms for the rest of my life and died happy. But that’s not how the world works. No sooner had Kiernan made his declaration than the glow of headlights coming up the drive illuminated the living room wall.

Caulder rejoined us just as his mother came through the front door. “Mom?”

She looked tired and stressed, but
otherwise unlike someone who had been taken hostage in a bathtub. “Boys, would you mind excusing us? Jade and I need to speak.” Mrs. Parks didn’t wait for an answer, striding past Caulder into the living room to take a seat on the beige sofa facing the one where Kiernan and I sat.

When it came right down to it, I really didn’t want to know
what it was we needed to speak about. After seeing where I came from, who I was on a genetic level, I wasn’t all that keen on hearing what Mrs. Parks thought about it. About
me
. Desperate for escape—to prolong the inevitable—my eyes went to Kiernan, but he was no help at all.

“You’ll be fine.” With a squeeze of my hand, he got up and disappeared down the hall toward
the kitchen before I had the chance to argue that highly debatable fact.

Caulder
slipped away hot on his heels and the urge to growl at the retreating backs of the two traitors was overwhelming. The only thing that kept me from actually going through with it was Mrs. Parks sitting three feet away.

Without backup, I fell prey to my usual tactics. Avoid, avoid, avoid. “I really should get home. My mother—”

“Isn’t there.”

“What?”

“Your mother isn’t home.”

Of course she wasn’t. After the day she’d had, no doubt she had to find somewhere to drink it away. “Oh.”

“She’s at an AA meeting downtown.”

“What?” Clearly, I was hearing things. Or dreaming. Maybe this whole day had been some kind of
warped nightmare.

She sighed and slumped back on the cushions, looking exhausted. “We have a lot to talk about.”

I fidgeted in my seat, antsy to make a run for it. To get home and get whatever I had coming over with, but if what Mrs. Parks said was true, Mom wasn’t there anyway. And I was frustratingly aware of how much I wanted to know more about that particular bit of information.

“Your mother is . . . Well, she’s a bit of a mess.”

Tell me about it. I shifted in my seat and opted to keep my mouth shut.

“We talked for a long time. Once she got past the screaming and the yelling, she really started to open up. I think she just needed someone to listen.”

That definitely wasn’t me. Every time she opened her mouth, I ducked and ran for cover. I’d never once showed her the kind of patience that Mrs. Parks had.

“The woman you know . . . The woman that says those hurtful things . . . That’s not your mother. Not really. It’s her addiction controlling her body and her mouth, but not her heart. Deep down, your mother loves you as much as I do. She just doesn’t know how to show it. She’s angry. At her life, at herself, at your situation, at her addiction, and she doesn’t know how to handle it. So she releases all that pent up anger on the only safe thing in her life.
You
. It’s not fair. She knows that, but that only serves to make her angrier. It a vicious, relentless cycle, but she does want to break it. That’s why she’s at a meeting as we speak. She wants help, she just didn’t know how to ask for it.”

I took a moment to let that sink in before latching on to the only part I dared to believe may actually be true. “You . . . you . . . love me?”

“Sweetie.” In one swift movement, she switched from her couch to mine and pulled me into her arms. “Yes, I love you. You are as much a part of this family as anyone under this roof. And don’t you forget it.”

I hadn’t even felt the tears coming before they were streaming down my face. Besides Kiernan, she was the only person who’d ever
said those words to me. She’d made me a part of a family. A
real
family.
Her
family.

I was
emotionally drained. Worn out from the constant stress I’d been under all afternoon, and it made pulling myself together all the more difficult. Mrs. Parks handed me a tissue from the end table and retreated to her own sofa, giving me the space I needed to get a grip. Everything she’d said bounced around my brain.

My mother wanted help? This whole time? And I hadn’t even noticed? All I’d done my entire life was enable her addiction. Let it control her. Let it control
me.
Not anymore. “What can I do?”

“This won’t be easy,” Mrs. Parks warned. “A condition like hers won’t go away overnight. It’s going to be a lifelong battle.
She’ll need your help.”

Battling was something I was used to, but now I had something worth fighting for.
“How do I help?”

“Everyone’s different. Take your cues from her and try to give her what she needs, whether it’s a listening ear, or a distraction, or just some space.”

“Okay.” I could do that. Over the years, I’d become fluent at reading my mother. My emotional well-being depended on it.

Twenty Two

The next week and a half were pure awkward on a level I’d never experienced before. I tried to stick close to home, be there for
Mom. For her part, she pretty much avoided me. Maybe she felt guilty about the past seventeen years. Maybe some cruel part of me
wanted
her to feel guilty. Maybe she simply felt weird about the whole situation. I know I did. It was like living with a stranger I’d known my entire life.

The most notable change could be found in the kitchen. The fridge full of things like fresh fruits and vegetables, and meat tha
t had to actually be cooked
in an oven
, was about as foreign as the well-stocked shelves in the pantry. Cereal, bread, rice . . . We had
cookies
. I couldn’t remember ever having cookies in the house.

Mom went to AA meetings three times a week. Besides that, she barely left her room. I think she was depressed, and that was part of the reason for the drinking in the first place. Mrs. Parks offered to get her into counseling, but
Mom hadn’t been willing to commit that far, yet. The good news was I hadn’t seen a single drink, or one sign that she’d been drinking, since her talk with Kiernan’s mom. AA was helping, and I had her sponsor’s number, just in case.

“Close your eyes.”

Mom was busy with her Saturday afternoon meeting and Kiernan had come over to rescue me from the cabin fever starting to take hold.

“What?”

“Close your eyes. I want to surprise you.”

“With what?” I glanced around, expecting to find something out of place, but all I saw was Kiernan’s house, the gravel driveway we were standing in, his car,
Caulder’s car, and the brownish sludge last week’s snowfall had already melted into.

“It’s a
surprise
.”

I sighed, feigning annoyance when really I was getting that tingly excited feeling inside. Kiernan’s arms folded around me, bringing with them a warmth body heat alone couldn’t account for.

“Step.” His hot breath coated the back of my neck, making all the tiny hairs there stand up and take notice as he led me up to the front door, where he paused to wrestle it open.

The scents of warm sugar and pine mingled in my nostrils the moment we stepped inside, and I had to fight the urge to open my eyes and seek out the source.
We moved through the door, somewhat clumsily, and I stood there feeling more than a little foolish with my eyes shut.

“Can I open them now?”

“Not yet.” Kiernan led me a little farther toward what I knew was the staircase and I fervently hoped he wasn’t going to make me climb all the way to the second floor, blind. “Okay. Open them.”

I did. And I gasped. We’d stepped into a holiday edition of
Better Homes and Gardens.
Fresh garland framed every doorway and wound its way up the stairs, decorated with bright red poinsettias. Shiny glass ornaments hung from the ceiling casting green, red, and gold light across the walls and floor. Candles added to the ambiance, glowing on nearly every available surface. In the living room, a beautiful angel, dressed in white, graced the mantle, surrounded by more than a dozen miniature Santas. And in the corner stood the most extravagant Christmas tree I’d ever seen. It must have been eight feet tall and covered top to bottom in winking colored lights. Tinsel littered every branch, and the most beautiful white star shone brightly on top.

I
’d never seen anything like it. “It’s incredible. Did you do all of this?”

“Me?” Kiernan smirked and shook his head. “No. I woke up this morning living in a winter wonderland. Mom must have done it.”

“It’s amazing.”

“She can get a little carried away sometimes, but I knew you’d love it the moment I saw it.”

“I really do.” I couldn’t stop staring at the tiny white lights twinkling along the railing of the staircase.

“And best of all . . .” He pointed upward, and my gaze tracked the gesture to a piece of mistletoe affixed to the door frame directly above us.

My laughter was cut short when Kiernan’s lips closed over mine, drinking it in like water in the desert.

“I love the sound of your laugh. I don’t hear it nearly enough.”

Heat rushed my cheeks and it was Kiernan’s turn to chuckle.

“You—” I fumbled for something—
any
thing to say—and was quite literally saved by the bell. Or the phone, but close enough.

“Hold that thought.” He dropped another quick kiss on my lips before hurrying down the hallway toward the beckoning call.

“He’s right, you know.” Startled by the unexpected voice I spun around to find our private moment hadn’t been quite as private as we’d both thought. Caulder laid sprawled out on one of the sofas in the living room, book lying open across his chest. “You don’t laugh enough.”

With that, he picked up his book and resumed reading. Sometimes I had a really hard time understanding him.

“I’ve got an idea.” Kiernan came bounding down the hallway, stopping mere inches short of the bodily collision I’d been bracing for.

Witnessing one of his genuine smiles and not returning it was impossible. Something had certainly put him in a good mood.

“Good news?” I tipped my head toward the kitchen where I knew the house phone hung on the wall beside the refrigerator.

“Oh, no. That was just
Mom. She’s covering someone’s shift, so she’s gonna be home late. No big deal.”

I honestly had to wonder why the woman worked at all. It’s not like they needed the money. The only conclusion I could come to was that she honestly loved her job. She didn’t mind
being puked, peed, and bled on because she genuinely wanted to help people. Mrs. Parks truly was a saint.

“So what’s this big idea?” I smiled up at him, knowing that if it made him
that happy, I’d do just about anything he wanted.

“I want to go somewhere. Do something. Together.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go make some memories.”

“Another adventure?”

“Yeah.” His eyes lit up like the fourth of July. “And I know just the place. Come on.”

***

“Oh no.”
Oh
hell
no.
I eyed the snow white mountain ahead of us like the deathtrap it was. “You can’t be serious.”

“Come on. It’ll be fun. Trust me.”

What in his experiences with me in gym class led him to believe I was even vaguely capable of something like this?

“
No way. If even one of your brain cells thinks I’m strapping a couple thin slabs of wood to my feet and sailing down the side of a mountain, it must be diseased.”

Kiernan blinked at me and then burst out laughing so hard he doubled over the steering wheel.

“Oh, Jade,” he gasped before losing it all over again.

I didn’t know why. Nothing I’d said had been a joke. “I’m serious!”

“First of all . . .” He took a couple deep breaths and another small chuckle escaped before he was able to put a cork in it. “I don’t think skis have been made of wood in a few decades. And secondly, as much as I’d love to watch you roll down the side of a mountain in the snow with me right there behind you, that’s not why we’re here.”

“It’s not?
” Not that I wasn’t glad to hear it, but we were at a
ski resort
, what else was there really to do if not ski?

I followed his outstretched finger to a sign that read ‘Night Tubing’ and breathed
a sigh of relief. Tubing I could handle. I’d never been, but it actually looked like fun. And how much damage could I do to myself sitting in a big, fat, inflatable tube?

Kiernan pulled out an extra coat from the trunk and it didn’t take much persuading to get me to put it on over my flimsy jacket. The sun was beginning to drop and with it, the temperature. Gloves came next, a few sizes too big, and a hat I had to roll several times to keep on my head, but when all was said and done, I was snug as a bug even with the wind whipping up snow all around us.

The line was immense. Evidently, night tubing was a popular event. We had to wait almost twenty minutes to get a double tube and another ten to make it up the hill. From the bottom, it hadn’t looked all that high, but riding up on the pulley line, it seemed to never end. We just got higher and higher until the people waiting at the bottom looked like little more than ants. I hadn’t had cause to discover this before that moment, but it turned out I was afraid of heights.

“Holy crap.” I grabbed Kiernan’s hand in a death grip.

“Scared?” Kiernan nudged me with his elbow, dragging my focus away from the source of my fear.

“A little.” The quiver in my voice gave that up for the load of crap it was. I was about two seconds away from potentially peeing my pants.

“Don’t be.” His smile eased my racing pulse. Prying my fingers loose, he flipped his hand over and threaded them through his. “I’ve got you.”

“I thought you said you were afraid of heights.” Why was I the only one making a fool of
myself up there?

“I used to be. Before I realized there were scarier things to
be afraid of. Besides, it’s not how high we are that I’m thinking about right now.” Warmth flooded his gaze, melting my heart.

I gave his fingers a squeeze, not that I’m sure he noticed with so much padding between us, and the next thing I knew, we were being dragged away from the pulley line. We’d made it all the way to the top without me even noticing. An employee decked out in company logo outerwear, pushed us over the slick snow toward
the drop point and the sudden increase in my breathing had nothing to do with the look Kiernan was giving me.

“Hey, look at me.” My gaze fell back to the boy holding my hand and he cocked a brow. “Would I have brought you here if I didn’t think you’d enjoy it?”

“No.”

“Do you trust me?”

I trusted him with the most precious, fragile thing I had. My heart. “Yes.”

“Then hold on tight, because here we go.” One of his
hundred-watt smiles lit of his face, distracting me from the shove the overeager employee gave us, sending us soaring down the mountainside.

The scream that tore from my lips turned to laughter within moments. He was right, it wasn’t scary. It was
fun.
And exhilarating. Flying through the night, snow spiraling all around us, both of us laughing, and smiling, and holding on to each other. I whooped as we slid to a stop in the carved out basin at the bottom of the hill and I didn’t even care who heard.

We were making memories. Ones
I’d revisit often in the future. Ones I’d hold onto for a lifetime.