Fallout (62 page)

ALL THIS FILTERS THROUGH

My brain in the time it takes

Mom to cream two cups of

butter with two cups of brown

sugar, add two eggs, and beat

well. And despite every warning,

once the mixer noise stops,

I have to spout words I swore

to keep to myself so as not to

hurt her. “I met my father.”

Well, of course you met your

f—
, she starts, back to me.

Her shoulders tense, and very

slowly, she turns toward me.

Your father? Are you sure?

She studies my face intently.

I nod. “Pretty sure …”

And I tell her the story, starting

with noticing piebald eyes

in the crowd at the Christmas

parade and ending with the X

holiday party. Deep breath.

I DIDN’T THINK

Talking about it would bother

me so much, but my hands quiver

and my breathing falls shallow.

Mom notices, comes over to

me. She takes my hands in hers,

presses gently.
You okay?

I wish I were little again so

she could wrap me in her arms

like she used to. I remember

how, growing up, I wanted to

be taller than her, always kept

measuring. Then one day, I was.

It was better before. I look down

into her eyes. “Yeah. I’m okay.

I just never really expected

to meet him. Or that I might

actually like him. It was easier

hating him for what he did.”

Mom tugs gently, sits me

at the table.
Resentment is

always easier than forgiveness.

SHE SITS BESIDE ME

Pulls her spine straight,

making her still nowhere near

as tall as me. Yet her presence

seems larger than life.

Do you have any idea why

Leigh isn’t here yet?

I shake my head. Smile.

“Didn’t want to ask. I figured

once she got here, I’d end

up sleeping on the floor.”

She laughs.
Futon, remember?

Then she gets serious again.

You know Leigh has never really

forgiven her father, right?

Well, Wayne was recently arrested

for a large quantity of marijuana.

He cooperated with authorities
,

and they left him on house arrest
,

which turned out to be a good

thing because he just had a major

heart attack. It wasn’t his first, and

they don’t think he’s going to make

it. Leigh flew back to Albuquerque

to basically say good-bye.

Wow. I’m sort of stunned.

He is my grandfather and now

I’ll never get to know him. Not

that I ever wanted to know him,

because of the things that happened

a long time ago. Things that will

never be rectified. God, why does

my life continue to be defined

by other people’s decisions? “Why didn’t

he ever try to be a part of our lives?”

Mom shrugs.
Maybe he didn’t know

how to say he was sorry.

Or maybe he was afraid

we wouldn’t believe it.

SUDDEN COMMOTION

As a wet puppy bounds into

the room, followed by an excited

David.
Come back here, Sasha!

Fu
. German for “heel.”

Surprisingly, Sasha obeys,

coming round to sit at David’s

left side.
Good girl. Good Sasha.

When he moves, she moves too.

“Wow. I’m impressed. You

going to work Sasha, David?”

Before Mom’s life got too busy,

she used to work her dogs, Schutzhund

fashion. Police-dog-style training

is incredibly demanding on both animals

and trainers. Might be really good

for David. Donald, too, if he’d do it.

There’s still a club out here
,

Mom says to me.
Scott has taken

David and Sasha to a couple

of sessions. I think they like it.

I do
, agrees David.
They say

I’m kind of young, but I’m not

the only kid. Sasha likes it too.

And she’s kind of young too.

SMART KID

It’s good to see him so engaged.

Donald, on the other hand, really

worries me. Mostly he just sits

around, playing computer games

or watching TV. Except when Dad

makes him get up and do something.

Dad, in fact, seems to be the only

one who can convince him to

behave even halfway civilized.

Mom has him in therapy. “Severe

emotional detachment,” was

the diagnosis, “probably caused

by early childhood trauma.”

Yeah, like his parents’ (one or

the other or both) meth-fueled rages,

resulting in fists to his face.

I remember him visiting us once,

decorated with knuckle-shaped bruises.

Such treatment can only erect walls

inside a kid. One between him and pain.

Another between him and love.

WHEN DID I BECOME A PHILOSOPHER?

I’ve got my own walls, and they

were not built by abuse or neglect.

I should probably go into therapy

myself, try and figure out why

I would so willingly sabotage

a relationship that means everything

to me. What am I, fucking stupid?

Okay, I am totally fricking stupid.

Here I thought I was using Leah, and

she totally used me. Set me up

completely. When she programmed

her number into my phone, she also

called herself, so she’d have my

number too. Like I said. Stupid.

And now I’m mad all over again.

At her. At myself. I get up, kiss

Mom on the forehead. “Let’s finish

those cookies.” Mindless activity,

that’s what I need. Maybe by not

thinking at all, my brain will come up

with a way to get Nikki to forgive me.