Fallout (64 page)

I GUESS I CAN’T BLAME ANGER

For the Leah incident.

Lack of self-control isn’t

always about being pissed.

Sometimes it’s sheer greed.

Something Dad said filters

back to me now.

Not once I’d made a solid

commitment to your mom …

“You said you never

cheated on Mom once

you committed to her.

How about before that?”

He decides how to answer.

I was dating a couple

of other people at the time.

So, yes, I guess I did.

Okay. This could quite

possibly be useful. “So did

Mom find out?” She had to,

right? She’s not exactly dense.

Actually, she did. And

when I saw how hurt

she was, it really made

me think. She was the one

I loved. I didn’t want to

lose her. That’s when I

decided playing around

just wasn’t worth it.

Dad got Mom back, so

there’s hope. But, “What

did you say to make Mom

give you another chance?”

He smiles.
I told her if

I ever messed around again
,

she could cut off my balls.

At my horrified expression,

Dad amends,
Not really. Look.

There’s no secret formula here.

Give it a few days. My guess is
,

once Nikki cools off, she’ll be

missing you. Then go to her and

tell her you know you screwed

up big-time, but you love her too

much to let things end like this.

It may not work. But Nikki loves

you, and if you love her, too
,

what have you got to lose?

Just be sure to follow through.

FEELING MARGINALLY BETTER

And semi-jacked-up on chocolate

chip cookies, I think maybe I’ll

ask the boys if they want to break

out the sleds. The driveway is perfect,

as long as we build up a berm across

the bottom. Not that there will be much

traffic out in a storm like this. I am

considering digging around in the garage

when the phone rings. Once. Dad

and I look at each other, some strange

kind of understanding building between

us. Suddenly David dashes into the room,

Sasha nipping at his heels.
Mommy’s

coming for Christmas!
he shouts.

Mom follows.
Her public defender

argued illegal search and seizure
,

she explains.
The judge agreed. All

charges against her were dropped.

Kristina talks her way out of another

predicament. Christmas drama to come.

Autumn
LONELINESS AND LIQUOR

Are best friends. Too bad I haven’t

had any liquor since the wedding.

Loneliness is eating me alive.

No more Aunt Cora. No word from Bryce.

Grandfather in bed with some ailment.

Much too much time on my hands.

If there were any alcohol in the place,

I’d be dropped-on-my-knees drunk.

Instead I keep cleaning. Organizing.

There isn’t a speck of dirt anywhere.

Except, no doubt, in Grandfather’s room.

I avoid going in there. It stinks.

Stinks like old man. Stinks like a feeble

old man, flat on his back for three days.

Farts and sweat and medicine.

I only go in to take him soup. Hot tea.

Water. More water. But not much me.

WHEN I CALLED BRYCE

To apologize, he was Arctic cool.

I don’t understand. Why did you

tell me your parents were dead?

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “It’s just …

well, there are things about them

I’m not proud of. I was afraid….”

Look. No one’s parents are perfect.

And whatever is wrong with yours
,

lying to me like that just sucks.

“I know. I was wrong. Can’t you please

forgive me? Will you come over so

we can—wait. Grandfather’s sick.”

He warmed up a little.
Listen.

We’re heading out to California.

I’ll be back after Christmas.

We’ll get together then, okay?

But we can’t have a relationship

built around lies. Love is honest.