Fallout (84 page)

GRANDMA MARIE’S KITCHEN

Has always felt like sanctuary.

Some people might think

that’s a cliché, but compared

to any other kitchen I’ve ever

spent time in, this one is always

the gathering place. Warm.

Spice-scented. Spilling laughter

and conversation. Today there

is more. Today there is reunion.

And, for some of us, relationships

too new to quite comprehend.

Grandma Marie is at the counter

kneading dough. Aunt Leigh

and Aunt Misty play cards at the table.

Autumn hovers in a corner, trying

to make sense of what these women

mean to her. I know the feeling well.

Might as well try the direct approach.

“Hi, Autumn,” I call across the short

expanse of tile. My feet follow, until

I stand in front of her. “I’m Summer….”

SHE IS WARY

Like a caged cat, escaped,

but unsure of the wild lands

beyond the bars. I understand.

Already, we walk common ground.

It is tenuous turf, riddled with

the rifts and earthquakes of our

personal histories. We confess

scenes. Abbreviated clips.

With her soft Texas drawl

and faux hippie wardrobe,

on the surface she is nothing

like me. But just below the skin,

we find connection. I shudder

to think why that might be, because

our common denominator is

someone I don’t want to resemble.

Autumn and I talk for an hour,

while the house fills with holiday

cheer. I don’t know where we’ll go

tomorrow, but today there is communion

here, and now I have a sister.

There is power in that. Today

I am surrounded by family

and affection, uncluttered by need.

Hunter
SURPRISES

Are rarely good things

around here. Today they

are kind of a mixed bag.

Good:                Meeting a sister I only

          half believed existed.

Not-so-good:    Meeting a guy I always

          half blamed for Kristina’s

          return to the monster.

Good:                Watching Summer and

          Autumn test the choppy

          waters of sisterhood.

Not-so-good:    Watching Kristina pay

          more attention to Trey

          than to her children.

Good:                Seeing how well David

          and Donald are coping

          despite being ignored.

Not-so-good:    Seeing that no matter

          how some things change,

          others never will.

THE BEST SURPRISE

Of the day was Nikki

opening her arms, allowing me

back into her life.

I have to remember how bad

being closed out felt.

I know we’re young,

that we have a long way to go,

and love has a way of

fading. I can’t promise her we can

keep ours alive, but

I can promise to give

it a damn good try. Temptation

is something I can’t

control. Flirtation is a whole

different thing.

As afternoon slants

toward evening and she hasn’t

arrived, anxiety nips.

What if she changed her mind?

Should I call her?

But then the doorbell

rings and I know it’s her and

now it really feels

like Christmas. Thanks, Santa,

for the best gift ever.

DESPITE HER MOM STARING

I pull Nikki into my arms, kiss

her like we don’t have an audience.

Then I notice the bags her mom

holds. “Let me take those for you.”

I peek inside. Eggnog and brandy.

This could prove an interesting

afternoon. I lead the ladies into

the kitchen. “Look who’s here!”

It is a busy place. Mom slices

turkey. Leigh mashes potatoes.

Misty spoons cranberry sauce,

trying not to trip over Sasha,

who sits, tail wagging at

the prospect of some offered

tidbit. David obliges, slipping

her bits of roasted poultry skin.

Autumn and Summer have

tag-teamed the table setting.

Nikki and her mom see what

they can do to help. It might

be a scene right out of a Norman

Rockwell painting. Except,

of course, it isn’t. It can’t be.

Because this is our family.

Autumn
DINNER IS READY

My grandfather—Grandpa Scott,

he said to call him—has announced

that it’s time to eat. We all gather

at the table, which has two large

folding tables placed at one

end, and still we’ll all barely fit.

Once everyone has found a seat,

two chairs are too obviously empty.

Hunter goes to the door, calls loudly,

Kristina! We’re all at the table.

Are the two of you planning to join

us? Room service is closed.

His voice carries thinly veiled anger,

and his girlfriend shoots a warning

glance that says,
Watch your temper.

Earlier, I heard Hunter talking

to Grandma Marie.
Why is Kristina

outside?
he asked.
Why isn’t she

with her kids? Why can’t she just

act like a mom? Doesn’t she care

about them? Doesn’t she love them?

Grandma answered right

away, as if she’d thought about

the question many times before.

I think she wants to love them.

Wants to love all of you. But

she can’t. I told you how meth

eats into the brain. Well, the part

that gets chewed away is

the part that lets people love.

I think about that as Kristina

and Trey finally find their way

to the table. How sad if they

really aren’t able to love.

It explains a lot. But it also

raises more questions.