False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (33 page)

 My
mother arrived the first day home from the hospital to help with the baby and
give us much needed advice. The baby was sleeping when she first got there, so she
took me aside to show me what she’d brought with her. Both of Cade’s guitars,
the ones that had flanked his empty casket so many years prior, lay side by
side in the trunk of her car.

“I
never told you I kept these. Your pain was so deep, I was afraid you would
destroy them.  I held on to them hoping you would someday cherish them, but now
he can use them again. Does he sing or play anymore?” she asked.

“Mom
… Oh Mom, I have no words. You’ve had them all these years? I just want to cry
right now,” I said, tears welling. “He will be ecstatic, I’m sure of it. He hasn’t
played an instrument, or written anything since the night he got shot.”

Cade
was in the shower while we put the guitars in his home office.  My mother also
brought the notebook full of songs he’d composed when he was a young. His band
had broken up after Cade’s death, and the music died with him. The songs were
his, though, and if he ever wanted to revive them, they were his to do so. I
leafed through the spiral bound pages and found the love song he had written
for me. Reading those words took me back there, and the tears were bittersweet.

When
Cade joined us in the kitchen, I was blowing my nose. He immediately crossed
the room and touched me, his face full of concern. “What’s wrong?” he asked

“Nothing,”
I said and smiled. “These hormones just make me cry over everything--no
worries. I guess I had a twinge of nostalgia.” I went to the fridge and pulled out
lunch meat and condiments. He didn’t seem convinced. “Seriously, Cade, all is
well. I will make sandwiches while mom unpacks. Catch up any pending work, and
then we can visit.”

“Your
mom just got here; work can wait” he said and sat down next to her.

“You
go ahead and finish what you need to, honey, while I put my things in the guest
room. We have two weeks to visit with each other.” She smiled a sly grin.

“Okay?”
said Cade, drawing out the word and making it a question. “You two are obviously
trying to get rid of me, so I guess I will go.”  He smiled at us and left the
room. A few minutes later, the strum of his acoustic instrument filled the
house. We walked in on him, sitting with his favorite guitar, tears in his
eyes. He looked up and brushed the tears away, embarrassed by his emotions. My
mom crossed the room and they embraced. “I wondered what happened to these. I’m
so happy you kept them, Beth, you’ll never realize what this means. Thank you.”

“Oh,
I can guess, honey,” she said, stepping back. “This was your life once, and it came
only second to my daughter. I hope you enjoy them.”

“God,
it’s been so long, I’m not sure I remember how to play.” He laughed with a
nervous edge, as if he believed his words. He sat back down and tuned the
guitar. “Amazing,” he muttered to himself. My mom and I retreated, leaving him
alone to reacquaint himself with what used to be a third arm. We sat in the
kitchen, and it wasn’t long before the sound of an old song erupted from the
office.

“God,
it’s good to hear that sound again. Our lives got so far off track.”

“But
you still ended up together, Ellia, and that’s all that matters. I wish you
both hadn’t suffered so much, but at least you are here now,” she said with such
heaviness, I could feel the weight of her pain.

“Do
you still miss Randy?” I asked. “I never told you how sorry I am for not being
there for you when he passed. Cade’s death swallowed me so completely, I
couldn’t step outside that grief to help anyone else. Even when I was with
Matt, I remained lost in so many ways. I tried hard to love him, and to move
on, but I was a shell of person.  Mom, I am sorry for being so damn selfish and
not much of a daughter.”

“I
won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but I understood why. Losing Randy was tough,
but I had friends, so I wasn’t alone. The worst year of our lives was the one
after Cade died, Ellia, and I didn’t want to drag you back down into that depression
with my sorrow.  Helping you with your addiction was the only decent thing your
dad ever did.  I truly believe he saved your life. You were beyond my reach,
and if he had not stepped in, you would be dead. It’s all in the past, though.
I still miss Randy sometimes, but at least he went quick and with no pain. There
was no suffering for him.” she said, looking sad and thoughtful. “I am sorry
about Matt. You may not have loved him like you love Cade, but you obviously cared
about him. His death … the way he died … well, it’s just another tragedy in a
long list. Don’t spend your time feeling guilty about the things you can’t
change, honey. You did the best you could, and that is all anyone could ask.”

I
hugged my mother tight, hoping to convey the depth of my feelings. “I hope that
one day we will all be free from the past and from the sins of others. The
prosecutor indicted Rodney Camerson this week, Mom. Any day now, I’ll be
subpoenaed to testify against him. It casts a pretty big shadow on our happiness
with Cayden.  This pending trial has stressed Cade for months, and I worry
about his health. I am so glad he didn’t jump back into this case when Lucas
asked him to, at least in a physical sense. I’d be lost and scared to death
without him here. Even though I am terrified to get on that stand and testify,
it’ll be a relief when it’s over, once and for all.”

“It
will never be over until your bastard father is six feet under, but I agree
with you. What does the FBI plan to do to keep you safe until the trial ends?”

“Well,
Cade has talked about just leaving the country and not testifying at all, but I
can’t do that. That son-of-a-bitch was behind the deaths of countless people,
including Sam and Matt. What Dacks and his men did to you was under his orders.
I cannot let that go unpunished. Cade’s focus was to nail dad, but Camerson is
tied up with him. He’s another cog in this wheel, and the only way to get
complete closure is to bring the wrath of justice to them all.”

Cayden’s
cries broke our thoughts. “Let me get him,” offered my mother. “I can’t wait to
see my first grandchild.”

My
mom returned in short time with my squalling son.  “This handsome fella might
be hungry, Momma,” she said, handing him over to me. I sat down in my favorite chair
and took the baby. He was an eager eater and latched on at once.  “So how does
it feel to be a mother, Ellia?” she asked, curling her legs up under her on the
sofa.

“Scary
as hell,” I replied with a smirk. “In all seriousness, motherhood is the most wondrous
thing. It’s amazing how many kinds of love the human heart can hold.  This love
is so overwhelming, I can’t imagine anything bigger.” Tears filled my eyes, and
I laughed. “Oh--these damn hormones.” I wiped my face with Cayden’s burp
cloth. 

Cade’s
hand landed on my shoulder, and he leaned down and kissed me on the head, then
touched Cayden’s cheek, before joining my mother on the couch. “What would you
like me to make you for dinner, Beth?”

“I
am here to take care of you guys. You need not cook, honey; I can do that for
you.” She patted his knee. “Just rest and bond with your son.” She got up and
headed into the kitchen, but Cade followed her.

I
fed the baby and handed him off to my mother before retiring for a quick nap. Cade
said he’d wake me when dinner was ready. I woke to the sound of the fire alarms
and the smell of something burning on the stove. At once, I flew out of bed and
ran to the smoke filled kitchen. A small flame had erupted in a pan on the
burner, which I extinguished at once.

“Hey
you guys,” I yelled. “Where are you?” My heart filled with panic. Cade was
never careless. He would not leave food on a flame unattended unless there was
good reason.

I
looked in his office, but it was empty. The deck was bare as a storm brewed on
the horizon. Time seemed to go in slow motion as I raced to the baby’s room, my
stomach already in my throat. When I opened the door, my mother lay on the
floor, as if she had laid down on the carpet for a nap. She was unresponsive
but alive, with no obvious trauma to her body. 

“I
was baffled. I thought of Cayden, and I got to my feet to get him. The crib was
empty. My befuddled mind tried to decide if it was another nightmare or if a
hellish truth consumed my reality.  I searched the house, shrieking for Cade
while dialing 911, having no understanding what could be happening. The
operators dispatched officers while I ran to the garage where my heart stopped.
I could see Cade’s motionless legs on the floor, just on the other side of the
car, and I froze, too afraid to discover his body. If he was dead, I’d be
forever lost. There would be no coming back from this mental break. My awareness
would go so far away, and I would never find myself again.
Stop it, Ellia. Cade
is not your entire world. You have a son. Keep your shit together for that
baby.
The little voice inside me was correct—I had to find my child no
matter what Cade’s condition. My son remained the anchor to keep me grounded.

  I
willed my feet to move, and it was a monumental effort, that separation of mind
and body trying so hard to occur. Once I got my physical self to obey for the
first two steps, my control returned, and I ran to him. I saw him moving just
as I rounded the car--he was alive.

“Thank
God,” I said out loud as I hit my knees next to him. “Cade.” I put my hands on
his face. The back of his head bled, but it didn’t seem serious. His eyes
fluttered open. “Wake up, Cade!” I screamed into his face. “Cayden’s gone! Get up
and help me.” My voice had reached the frantic level.

He
got to his feet but stumbled around like a drunk, dizzy from the blow to his
skull. The look on face was blank.

 “What
happened, Cade?” I sobbed, digging my nails into his arm. “My mom is
unconscious and Cayden is missing. My baby is gone!”

Understanding
dawned on him, and he ran back into the house, stumbling down the hall with his
compromised equilibrium. I was on his heels as we entered Cayden’s room where
my mother lay. He turned and looked at me. “What happened to her?” he asked.

“I
don’t fucking know. I found her here and you out there. Cayden is nowhere.
Where the hell is …” I stared at Cade, so stricken with fear I could barely
make a comprehensible sentence.

“Are
you still with me?” he asked, searching my face. “I need you to stay with me. I
can’t do this without you.”

He
referred to my mental state, but I already planned to keep myself together for
my son. “Yes, I’m okay. I won’t leave Cayden out there. We have to find him.”

“We
will, I promise,” he said, then went to the phone. The first police car arrived
while Cade talked to the FBI on his work cell. Within a few hours the house was
full of cops and FBI agents. They moved around me in swirls of color and
activity, but it was hard to keep focus. My mom was conscious but groggy when
the EMT’s took her away, and I was grateful. No way could I leave the scene to
be with her though. My son was missing, and he was my priority.

Local
police took our statements before the FBI arrived, and my mother couldn’t
remember anything other than going into Cayden’s room to put him down for a
nap. Cade had gone to the garage to get a screw driver to fix the handle on a
pot lid. Neither of them saw or heard anything amiss.

 “Are
you all right?” asked Cade, putting his hand on my shoulder, making me jump.

 “Do
you think my dad is behind this or Camerson?” The sobbing broke free again.

“My
money is on Camerson.”

“The
prosecuting attorney hasn’t even subpoenaed my testimony yet. Why would he come
for me … for Cayden? Is it because he’s a fucking Cantrell—another descendant
of Zachariah?”

He
stared at me as if that thought had not occurred to him. “Do you blame me for
this, too?”  Someone waved him over, and he walked away to consult with his coworkers
before I could answer.

I
ran to the bathroom, not sure if I blamed him or not.  My mind was in too much
distress to consider culpability. My milk came in, and I felt the front of my
shirt dampen. It was time to feed the baby, but he was gone. I stuffed my fist
into my mouth to stifle the scream that threatened to erupt from me.

Get
your shit together, Ellia. Your son needs you. Cade needs you. Stop playing the
helpless victim and do whatever you have to do find your child. No more hiding
in a selfish coma because you are too chicken shit to deal.
 My
inner monologue spurred me on, helping me gather the strength not to slip away
into that safe place in my mind. I dried my eyes, realizing that Cade couldn’t
be here for me this time.  Cayden was his too, and the truest love of his life.
I had to keep it together and not be a burden. I tried to convince myself Camerson
would not torture my baby for a stupid manufactured vendetta, yet I knew
better. There was no level of humanity among any of those men.  We had to
locate him quickly.

 When
I emerged, Cade was on the phone looking so angry I thought he would pop a blood
vessel. He only gave me a glance as I entered the room.  I surveyed the scene
and saw Lucas standing with Agent Roberts. Boxes of files were being delivered,
along with computer equipment. They’d turned the house into a command post.  An
Amber alert had been issued and a full-on statewide and intrastate search was
in progress. I found it odd that Willow wasn’t present. She was Cade’s coworker
and his friend.