False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (32 page)

He
looked up at me with an incredulous expression? “What?” He stood up and gaped at
me. “No, I told you I don’t want to be with her. I love you.”

“Then
what the hell is going on with you? You don’t talk to me about anything
important, but you tell her everything. Why didn’t you tell me you might quit?”

“It’s
complicated,” he said, while pacing the room. “I’ve kept information from you, even
though I promised I wouldn’t. I didn’t want you to be anxious. The baby needs
you to stay calm and stress free.” 

“Tell
me,” I demanded as my hands trembled.  

“The
day you gave your statement to Rodriquez and Fattel, we discovered something
very important. You told us that Camerson’s man cut off your dad’s fingertips. The
coroner’s report mentioned nothing about his hand. The person who we found
hanging in that room matched your dad’s physical build, but he’d been beat
beyond recognition. The agents located his ID and his badge inside the wallet
in his back pocket.  Everyone assumed your dad killed himself. After your
account, we ran DNA. The body carried out in that bag belonged to Lukas Bietek,
not Bradley Meyers. Your father and another man, named Basti Lischka, are believed
to be alive. We figure your dad promised Lischka money, or something, and Lischka
helped him escape. According to reports, they are traveling together, and they
are not currently in the country. This man meets the description you gave of
the monster who beat and raped you.” He pulled up his phone and flashed a picture
of Salt-and-pepper at me. “Is that him?” Next, he produced a shot of a
different man from a passport photo. “The second photo is Lucas Bietek. Is he
the other one who assaulted you?”

My
hand flew to my mouth as the tears kept coming. I backed away from Cade until
my back hit the wall. “It’s them,” I whispered. Cade wrapped me in his arms and
held me tight. When I got composure, I wiggled out of his embrace. “Why didn’t
you tell me? No, never mind, I know why. Because you always think you know
what’s fucking best for me. The real question is why are you telling me now?”

“Rodriquez
wants me to go back on this case with him. He’s almost convinced the director
to bring me in again.  I can’t leave you alone, though, and I contemplated
quitting altogether and taking you out of the country. Even though I promised
not to keep things from you, I’m so worried about you, Ellia, and the baby.”

My
head spun, knowing the danger had amped up a notch. No indictment came for
Camerson yet, but it drew closer all the time. My dad didn’t have the guns
anymore, but his freedom still concerned me. If he committed another crime, I
might be a pawn again, and Salt-and-pepper, or someone like him, could be at
the heart of my interrogation. I felt lost in a violent world with no escape.

Cade
touched my arm. “You have every right to be mad at me, but I hope you will try
to understand. You are so fragile, and my only concern is keeping you safe and
healthy.”

I
noted the worry lines around his mouth and realized the weight of his burden.
He lived in constant fear, full of guilt, and an unending paranoia. The strain
of it radiated from exhausted eyes, and a dampened spirit. I refused to fall
victim to myself this time. He needed me.

I
reached up and touched his face. “I am not mad at you, not now. This has been
hard on you. I worried you were pulling away from me because of the rape, like
I disgusted you, or maybe because you had someone else. But now I understand
it’s this information that’s standing between us and tearing you apart.” A tear
slid down his cheek, and he nuzzled into my neck. He’d held so much in for so
long, it broke my heart.

“All
I want is a normal life with you, Ellia,” he said through his weeping. “I am so
tired of fighting this fucking mess.”

“Me
too,” I whispered, rubbing his back and rocking him while the tension and angst
landed on my shirt, soaking it.

When
he spent all his emotions, I handed him a Kleenex. “The good news is,” he
began, “your dad is not in the country. The courts down there released his wife
on bond, and they are in hiding again. He has no reason to come anywhere near
you.”

“So
you are more worried about Camerson, at this point?” I asked.

“Yes.
The case is going in front of a grand jury soon, El, and I don’t want you to
testify. Unfortunately, Camerson is a master at covering his tracks so much of
the evidence is circumstantial. This biggest reason I haven’t left the Bureau
is because I need to be kept informed. We must be prepared, and if I quit, I’ll
lose access.”

“I
understand, and you’re right. But when this mess is all over, Cade, I will support
whatever you do. You going undercover again, worries me sick, but I’ll stand by
you.” I kissed his cheek, and he turned into me, kissing my mouth. When things progressed,
he pulled away again.

“Why
aren’t you attracted to me anymore?” I got the gumption to ask. “Is it because
of the rape, or because I’m getting fat, or is it something else? You haven’t
made love to me since Tennessee.” I held back the tears, bracing myself for his
answer.

“It’s
none of those things. And you could never be fat. This little bump,” he put his
hand on my stomach, “is all baby, but even if you were, it wouldn’t matter to
me. I love you, and you have no idea how hard it’s been not to touch you. I
want you all the time, but I am so worried sex will trigger an awful memory. You
don’t need to deal with any more pain. The nightmares are mostly gone, and I’m
terrified of waking up dormant, unwanted feelings,” he said. “You went through something
so fucking sick, something, as a man, I can’t comprehend. The most important
thing is to stay healthy, physically and mentally. The physical part of our
relationship can wait until you are stronger. We should’ve talked about this
sooner, I’m sorry.”

“It’s
okay, but I am stronger—probably the strongest I’ve ever been in my life. The
things I experienced changed me in many ways, but the one positive is that I
refuse to lie down and be victim to my circumstances ever again. Whatever
happens, I will get through it, so I don’t want you to live under this cloud of
worry for me. No more hiding in my mind when things get hard. My body is
healed, and I’m thinking clear. I miss you.” I pulled his face to mine and
kissed him while climbing on to his lap and wrapping my legs around his waist.
He flipped me over on the bed and took control, giving me exactly what I
needed.

The
next morning, I woke with my leg snarled in the sheet, the pillows on the
floor, and Cade’s arm across me as he lay sprawled on his stomach. We’d had a
marathon the night before and remembering it made me smile. I hoped the passion
we felt for each other would never wane.

It
took a few minutes to extract myself from the twisted bedclothes, but I managed
to get out without disturbing him. It was the deepest he’d slept in months, and
he needed the rest.  Just as the coffee finished brewing, the doorbell rang. My
heartbeat went to race mode. Through the peep hole, I spied Willow on the other
side.
Dammit!
I thought.
What is that bitch doing back here?
I
looked down at myself. I was in Cade’s T-shirt, ratty slippers, and my hair was
a post-coitus matted mess. Hoping she would note my after-glow, I opened the
door, coffee in one hand and a smirk on my face. “What do you want?” I asked in
a casual manner.

Her
eyes scanned over me, and I knew I’d achieved the goal as anger washed across
her features. “I would like to speak to Cade. Is he home?”

“He
is sleeping. We had a late night, and I have no intention of waking him. Can I
give him a message?” I couldn’t help the smugness on my face.

“This
is work related, so stop with your immature behavior. I do not understand what
Cade sees in you. Ever since I met you, you have been nothing but a
narcissistic, spoiled brat, throwing tantrums and acting like jealous
teen-ager. Are you stuck at age seventeen, Ellia? God help that baby. I hope
it’s not Cade’s.”

“Wow,
Agent Mendiola, tell me what you really think?” I smiled at her. “Your opinion
of me means very little. Good bye.” I started to shut the door as Cade came
down the hallway and caught the tail end of the conversation. He wore nothing
but his jeans, the top button undone, and his hair was in disarray. He looked
so sexy I wanted to throw a blanket over him so she couldn’t ogle him.

“What’s
going on, Willow?” he asked, running his hands over his dark, silky locks to
smooth them.

“I
want to talk to you about work, but your girlfriend didn’t see fit to wake
you.”

I
watched her eyes travel over him, taking in his broad shoulders and sculpted
abs, and I had to resist the urge to act like a jealous seventeen year old and
punch her in the nose.

Cade
looked at me, and I answered his questioning expression. “It’s the first time
you’ve slept well since we came home. I didn’t want to disturb you yet.” He
smiled at me with that wicked grin that told me his mind wandered to our
zealous shagging.

After
kissing my cheek he spoke to her. “Come on in, I just need to grab a shirt.” He
disappeared down the hallway while she followed me to the kitchen.

“Do
you want coffee?” I asked, trying to keep it friendly.

“Why
yes, Ellis, I’d love a cup--black please. I don’t need mine frilly.”

She
was referring to my sweet white java, but I refused to let her bother me. We sat
in awkward silence until Cade returned. I poured him a mug of liquid caffeine
and kissed his cheek. He stood at the peninsula in front of her. I hung by the sink
to listen. Willow nodded her head towards me.

“She
knows,” said Cade. “I told her about her dad last night.”

“I
see.” She looked disappointed, knowing she had no secrets with him anymore. “I stopped
by to let you know we got a tip he was in Panama. We have operatives on the
ground, but so far, they’ve found nothing.”

“Okay,”
he said, drawing out the word and looking at her with his head cocked. “Why
didn’t you or Lucas just call me? Did you drive all the way here from Detroit
for that piece of information?”

“I
stayed in town last night.” Her eyes shifted to me and then back to him. “You
worried me last night.”

“I’m
fine,” he said. “But thanks.”

“Well,
all right then.” She rose from her chair looking awkward and embarrassed. “I
guess I’ll head home.”

Cade
walked her to the door while I stood in the kitchen. Their goodbye was brief,
and he joined me to finish his coffee. “What was that all about, do you think?
Why was she worried?”

“She
knows I’ve been under a lot of pressures, and last night I was feeling the
strain particularly heavy.” He swept me up in his arms and kissed my forehead.
“I am much better today, though, thanks to you.” A squeeze to my gluteus and a
growl from his throat was all it took to have us rolling around on the kitchen
floor. “God, I love you,” he said through panting breaths as we finished.

“Back
atcha,” I said, giggling.

The
next few months crept by as we maintained our seclusion. Cade was less on edge
since he had me to relieve his tension, but he was still paranoid and cautious.
The baby was kicking regularly, and I was seven weeks from my due date. We’d talked
a lot about the baby, but I remained unsure about my feelings. As much as I loved
being pregnant and treasured the idea of life inside me, I worried about how
I’d react after the birth.

Cade
talked to my belly every day, and he even read the baby bedtime stories, which
made me laugh. We were happy, or at least as content as we could be while
living under a shadow of danger.

Lucas
showed up at the door one afternoon as I’d finished the lunch dishes. “Well,
Agent Rodriquez, what are you doing here today?”

“For
the love of God, Ellia, call me Lucas. I’ve eaten your food, drank your coffee,
and kept your man away from you for hours on end; we are past formalities.”

I
laughed and stepped aside so he could enter. “Come in, Lucas. Cade is in the
office as usual.”

The
first sharp pain hit as Cade and Lucas came into the kitchen for a break.  I
doubled over and moaned. I’d been having light contractions all day, but
nothing that raised concern. From all the books and internet research, it was
normal to have intermittent contractions as the body stretched and prepared in
the last weeks. It was no cause for worry, but this was a big one. I gripped
the edge of the counter. 

“What’s
wrong,” asked Cade, rushing to my side.

I
laughed. “It think this boy is being quite athletic today. Wow!”

“Are
you having contractions?” he asked, his eyes wide.

“I’ve
been having them all morning, but the books say it’s nothing to worry about
this early. They aren’t regular, and that was the first one that really hurt.”

“I
want you to sit down and put your feet up, El. It’s too soon for the baby to
come, so rest, and I will finish cleaning later.” He ushered me to a chair and
pulled the footstool under my feet. “Do you need anything?”

“No,
go back to work, you guys, I am fine.”

He
kissed my forehead before he and Lucas went into the office. Not five minutes
passed before another hit, and I grabbed the arms of the chair in a death grip.
I watched the clock after that, and the contractions were coming regular. It
was all I could do not to cry out each time one rocked my body.

I
got up and hobbled to the French doors. “Cade,” I said gripping the door frame
as the pain tore through me, almost dropping me to my knees. “Either something
is wrong, or I am in labor. It really hurts. Do you think we should go to the
hospital?”

Cade
was on his feet in an instant. “Let’s go.” He led me to the garage, snatching
the keys off the hook inside the door along the way. “Lucas, you know the way
out.”

“See
you at the hospital,” he replied, and Cade nodded.

“Oh
shit!” I exclaimed, thinking I’d pissed myself as a puddle formed around my
feet.

“I
think your water broke,” said Lucas, looking pale and worried—or a little
grossed out by the pinkish tinged fluid.

Lucas
handed me a big towel to sit on in the car, and Cade buckled me in like a child
before skidding across the hood to take the driver’s seat. The scene would be comical
if I wasn’t clutching the dash board in white-knuckle agony.

 “It’s
gonna be okay … breathe through the pain.” he said. He drove fast, but not
reckless, though from everything we’d read, we still had plenty of time. The
discomfort consumed me, and I barely noticed we’d arrived at the hospital.  Cade
parked and ran inside to fetch a wheel chair. He helped me out of the truck and
into the chair as I moaned and rocked back and forth.

Once
inside, the nurse wheeled me into the emergency room and examined me. I had
already dilated to five, and it was too late to stop the progression, even
though the baby was too early. After being admitted, they moved me to a labor
and delivery room on the second floor. I gripped Cade’s hand like a steel claw,
and I worried he’d need a cast. I declined the epidural, opting to do it naturally.

“Ellia,
you should take it,” said Cade. He wore his concern and worry all over his
face. I shook my head, determined to stick to the plan. The hours stretched on,
and sweat covered my body. I was exhausted, and he tried again. “Please let
them give you something for pain, El,” he begged. “I hate seeing you in so much
distress.”

“No,
I can do this.” I concentrated on my breathing, the contractions so close
together I barely got a minute in between each one. “I’ve been through worse.”
But I wasn’t sure I believed it.  

Over
eighteen hours passed, and it was late in the night. “I need to push him out Cade,
I can’t take any more.” I gritted my teeth and bore down as he yelled for the
nurse.

She
sauntered in, as if we were bothering her, not in any hurry. “Don’t push yet,
Ellia. We need to check you and make sure the cervix is ready.” The snap of
purple gloves on her plump hand, brought me back to reality, giving me
something to focus on besides the pain. She rammed her fingers into my vagina,
and I fought the urge to kick her in the face.

“Please,”
I panted, “I have to get him out. I can’t do this any longer. I’m so tired.”

“Okay,
stay calm,” she said. “The head is coming, and you are ready. Wait until I summon
the doctor. This baby will be out in no time, honey. You’ve done well,” she
said, patting my knee.  My entire world seemed wrapped around this moment, but
for the nurse, it was business as usual. Holding back the urge to push was the
biggest exercise in restraint I’d ever practiced. When the doctor arrived with
two more nurses, they dropped the bottom part of the bed away, and I pushed
without permission. The relief it brought was minimal. Cade dabbed my forehead
again with a cool cloth. His face was twisted in concern, but I didn’t have the
strength to comfort him. I needed to push again.

“Okay,
Ellia, he’s almost out, take a deep breath and push hard.” I did, but no reprieve
arrived. My insides felt ripped apart. “That’s good, now breathe for a minute.”
I did, and he told me to push again. It took almost an hour of the purest agony
I’d ever known before joyous release from the immense pressure came as the head
popped out of my nether region. From there, it required two more pushes for the
rest to follow. The pain stopped, and I wept with relief.

Cade
kissed me on the forehead. “You did it, El,” he whispered. I heard the cries of
a healthy baby boy. Cade cut the cord, and the doctor placed the baby on my
chest. I held him close and continued to cry right along with him. He was beautiful,
a piece of perfection. I knew in that precious moment, there was no way I would
give that baby up to anyone. I didn’t care who the biological father might be
because I’d fallen irrevocably in love.

The
nurses let me sleep two hours before they brought the baby in to breastfeed. He
weighed six pounds and was fully developed. None of the issues often seen in
premature babies presented.  He was divine in every way, a little angelic gift
from God. Each time I woke, whether the baby was crying or not, Cade was
holding him. “You will spoil him,” I teased.

“He
is so small and so perfect. I don’t think I have held a baby since I used to
stay with Scott and Amy. I’m not sure I knew what to expect,” he said.

“Well,
then you are a natural. You hold him like you’ve always been around newborns. I
am the awkward one here,” I laughed.

“You
are not awkward, just tired. God, El, you worked so damn hard for this little
guy. I’m so proud.” His eyes met mine, and I saw the worry. “Have you thought
about a name? Or would it be wrong to name him until the paternity test comes
back? It’s already sent, so we should have results in a few days.”

“I
think we should name him,” I said, looking down at my little miracle, his
genetics no longer important. “He gets to stay.” I looked at Cade. “If that is
still acceptable to you; you might not be his biological father, and I need to know
you are still all right with that.”

The
smile on his face was so bright it made my heart race. Tears of joy filled his
eyes. “I’ve wanted him since you conceived. He is mine either way, and I love
him already.” He kissed our son on the forehead. “Whatever you want to name him
is fine with me.”

“Okay,
how about Cleatus?” I offered jokingly. “Or Wilhelm … or maybe Bocephus.”

“Hmm…I
like Bocephus. Bocephus Zachariah Cantrell. Yeah--I like the sound of that,” he
laughed, and then looked thoughtful. “Or Meyers, I guess. I shouldn’t be so
presumptuous.”

“I
wouldn’t want him to have any other last name, Cade. It will be Cantrell, no
matter what,” I said.

“Well,
we should all share the same last name, don’t you agree?” He put the baby in
the bassinet and got down on one knee at the side of my hospital bed. “Will you
marry me?” he asked. He opened the box and showed me a beautiful diamond
flanked by two sapphires. “The sapphire on the left is the original from the
promise ring I gave you. I hope you don’t mind I snooped in your fire safe.”

“Oh
Cade,” I said, taking the ring with my free hand as he got to his feet. “My answer
is yes.” He slipped it on my finger.

“I
love you, Ellia, and I’ve loved you since that first day in Mrs. Munson’s class
so long ago. God, I wish …” He looked away, the guilt heavy on his heart.

“Don’t
… Don’t say it. We are past all of the bad things. I love you too. We have the
rest of our lives to make up for those lost years,” I replied, pulling him into
me. “When did you do this? You’ve never left me, not for a moment.”

“Lucas
helped me, and he delivered it today. I planned to propose tonight, at home,
over a romantic dinner. It took forever to get this thing made, or I would’ve
proposed a long time ago.”

“It’s
beautiful, and I love it. It’s so perfect.” We kissed until our son demanded
attention.

The
doctor came in after the second day to evaluate me for discharge.  I was doing well
as was Cayden Samuel Cantrell. “Ellia, we miscalculated your due date,” he
said, with a raised eyebrow. “I am guessing you conceived about three or four weeks
earlier than we originally estimated. He is healthy and so are you. You guys
can go home as soon as the nurse comes in with the paperwork.” He smiled and
patted my knee.

“Thanks
doc,” said Cade, shaking his hand, and grinning. When the physician left, he
stared at me with a wide grin, his face full of joy.

“What?”
I asked, always happy to see him pleased but not sure what had brought on this
sudden elation.

“Didn’t
you hear what he said?” He looked at me like I was clueless. “Cayden is term,
Ellia. He’s mine.  It really doesn’t matter, but I know it means a lot to you. Honestly,
I can’t help being just a little glad about it, too, though.”

I
cried, so delighted for all of us, as I wrapped my arms around his neck, and he
held me. The news seemed a sign of good things to come.