Family Interrupted (19 page)

“But your father? Your mother?” she asked. “Oh, your mother hates me, how she hates me—but I’d go to her anyway. I’d go to them both—this week, in fact, before
Yom Kippur
, the Day of Atonement—to ask pardon for this awful, awful thing I did. Do you think they’d open their door?”

The question caught me off guard. I looked at her husband then back at Sarah. Regardless of her great need, I had to tell the truth. “I don’t know. Maybe my dad. My mom...? I don’t think she’s forgiven me yet, so I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

“I-I don’t understand. Forgive you for what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

But I’m alive while Kayla is not.
“I threw the ball. I was in charge. She says we should have been doing homework.”

Mr. Levine kept his arms around his wife but addressed me. “I’m sorry, very sorry for the grief you’ve endured, but thank you for talking with us. I think it’s made a difference. Right, Sarah? Now you’ll have something new to tell Dr. Lipton. And maybe one day, someday, you’ll be able to forgive yourself, heal, and start to live again.”

“I can never forget about this, Marc.”

“I didn’t say forget. I said forgive.”

Mr. Levine turned to me. “Your parents have a remarkable son. When the time is right, you can tell them that. Thank you again.”

I watched them walk away, a young couple, moving as cautiously as my grandparents sometimes did. I felt the weight they carried because it sat on my shoulders as well. When they were out of sight, I finally hunkered down near my sister.

“I’ve got something good to tell you, Kayla,” I began. “You’ve got a brand-new niece. Her name’s Tina and she’s...she’s th-the cutest little ba...”

My throat closed mid-sentence. With the impact of a sledgehammer, I realized that Kayla would never, ever get to know Tina, and Tina would never know her aunt. No kisses and hugs. No laughter. No shopping trips and girl stuff together. Not in this life anyway. The reality check drove a sudden chill through me, a chill that traveled deep into my soul, making me shiver and shake. As I looked ahead to an uncertain future, I wondered if I’d ever feel warm again.

IAN

Early October, Year Two

“Hey, Barnes. Catch!”

I pivoted, reached, and caught the set of blueprints Ben Parker threw.

“That’s just one section,” my supervisor said. “The unit’s shutting down for two weeks. We gotta do a complete maintenance overhaul. You’ll be checking the pipes inch-by-inch, looking out for corrosion. And verifying the online monitoring that’s been done. Then you’ll fabricate new pipes and fittings to replace the worn ones. I’ll be around, but you’ll be working on your own, kid.”

Whoa. On my own? A lot of responsibility for an apprentice, even a second-year apprentice. I must have looked a little scared because Mr. Parker started to laugh.

“Nothing to worry about, boy. There’s a meeting at ten o’clock. Everybody in the unit. Be there.”

“Yes sir.”

“And another thing,” the man said, more slowly this time, his big body pausing along with his words.

I inclined my head, ready to listen.

“I know Colleen’s fixin’ ta be back here the same time as the shutdown...” The question lingered.

“Yes sir. She’ll be here.”

“Good. I don’t need you going missing to babysit.” Parker walked closer to me, his lined face relaxing. “You’re the best apprentice I’ve ever had, Barnes. And I proved it to you, didn’t I?”

“You sure did,” I replied, thinking about my nice raise. “And I appreciate it.”

“So don’t let me down. One day, with your brains, you could be my boss and run this place.”

I couldn’t stop myself from grinning. The man was good for my ego. “Well, an engineering degree isn’t in my future, but I appreciate your faith in me. Thanks.”

I watched him walk away. A confident man who loved his work, just like my dad loved his. I quickly focused on the blueprints. Mr. Parker wasn’t wrong. I could do this job. Whatever I hadn’t known about crude oil at the beginning, I’d learned during the past year. I now understood the distillation process and how petroleum’s hydrocarbons were separated to produce gasoline, diesel fuel, and dozens of other end products. Being an apprentice here was more than learning a trade. It was learning a new industry, a new world. But I’d slipped into it as though born to it—thanks to math, science, and Barnes Construction.

I needed this raise, needed to do well and support my little family like a responsible man. Right now, that included assuring daycare for Tina. Colleen was supposed to be in charge of finding one. So far, no luck. She’d said the closest ones were full and had no room for one more baby. Worry niggled at me. Colleen had been so half-hearted about everything, I wondered if she’d really checked them all out. Or would I have to take over that project too?

#

COLLEEN

Free-dom. Free-dom. Free-dom. My steps matched the rhythm of the word echoing in my head as I pushed Tina in her stroller. Free-dom. I should’ve been happy. My baby girl was a healthy, beautiful infant, almost two months old, a true mix of Ian and me. Right now, she was asleep, so innocent, so at peace, and my heart filled with my love for her. But who the heck wanted a baby right now?

Ian. This whole mess was his fault. Although our neighbors minded their own business, they probably thought Ian and I were aiming for the altar. But we knew the truth. It wasn’t about getting married. Neither of us had ever mentioned the M word but once or twice. It was all about the baby. It always came back to Martina Faith Barnes.

I should’ve stuck to my guns in the beginning. I should’ve taken care of it as soon as I missed my period. I probably shouldn’t have told Ian. He was the sensitive type, filled with kindness. If I’d known about his sister, I definitely wouldn’t have said a word.

Well, I couldn’t undo it, and I couldn’t fault Ian for breaking promises. He’d kept them, taking care of us as best he could. But now we needed a daycare ’cause in a couple of weeks I’d have to go back to the refinery. The thought made me want to puke. Not that I hated the job so much, but sometimes, just sometimes, I worried that I’d never escape.

My legs felt heavy. My heart felt heavy. They were keeping slow time with each other as I trudged down the street. God Almighty, I couldn’t remember ever being so depressed! I had to think about something happy...like singing at the Roadside Café. Today was—I checked my watch—Wednesday. All right! Open mic time this evening. Amazingly, my feet barely touched the ground as I headed to the last daycare center on my list.

#

IAN

“Ben Parker asked about you today,” I said to Colleen that evening. I’d just washed up after getting home and stood on the threshold of the small living room, watching Colleen feed the baby. “He wants to be sure he can count on you to return to work on schedule, what with the daycare and everything.”

“Here you go, Daddy,” she said, rising from the sofa. “You can finish giving her the bottle. I’ve got to get ready.” She shoved Tina at me and raced toward the bedroom.

“Ready for what?” I called.

“Singing.”

I nuzzled the baby just as my stomach began to growl. “I’m just saying...about Ben. So, what’s for dinner?”

“How about fixing yourself a hotdog?”

Hotdogs? I snacked on hotdogs. I was running on empty and wanted a real meal. Roast chicken, turkey, my mom’s sweet potato pie... My salivary glands started a ruckus, and loud rumbles came from my midsection.

“How come you didn’t make anything? I’m starving.”

“Look at me.” Colleen strode into the room, patting her stomach. “I can get back into this skirt again.” Her eyes sparkled. The denim hugged her hips and thighs and ended mid-calf. Sitting on the bed, she pulled on high leather boots.

“Great,” I said. “I’m happy for you, I really am, but a hotdog’s not dinner.”

“I didn’t have time to cook.”

“No time?” I couldn’t believe it. “The baby sleeps at least half the day.”

“Maybe in fits and starts, and that’s no help. Our sweet little thing keeps me busier than a hound in flea season. She may be a cutie pie, but she’s more work than you know, so don’t start preachin’ at me.”

She slipped on a red, silky shirt and began to close the buttons. Twirling toward me, she posed. “Should I leave the top two open...or maybe three?”

Another hunger grew, and I forgot about food. Colleen was one sexy woman, a woman who didn’t care about my opinion regarding buttons or anything else. I could see her drifting into her own world now, her mind tuned to the karaoke session ahead. She probably used every spare daytime minute to write new songs.

“You look...nice.” I lifted Tina for a burp, and without missing a beat, she performed.

“’Atta girl! Whee. You did it.” Then I laid her back on my arm and headed for the kitchen. “Let’s see if your daddy can rustle up something as good as your bottle.”

At that very moment, Tina opened her blue eyes and smiled directly at me. Holy Toledo! Could she actually know her daddy? I grinned back at her, a wave of love washing through me unlike anything I’d known before. My little girl blinked and kept looking up at me.

“Hey, Colleen? Tina smiled at me.”

“Probably just gas,” she replied, walking toward the door.

“But she’s already burped. I think she knows who I am.”

Colleen paused, caught my eye. “Well, sir. Whether she knows you or not, she can sure make you smile a lot better’n I can these days.”

I became hyper-alert. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She grabbed her guitar and slammed the door behind her.

What was she so mad about? I’d catered to her during the pregnancy with back rubs, foot rubs, making her rest. I even brought flowers to the hospital. But I had to admit, Colleen had been right about one thing. One big thing. Little babies demanded a lot of attention. They caused lots of hard work and worry. Not to mention a way of interrupting any romantic inclinations between parents.

I’d bought Colleen candy and more flowers when she came home to show her it wasn’t only about the baby. Besides, wasn’t that what grown men did, buy women stuff like that? But sometimes—and I hated to admit it—I didn’t feel like a grown man at all, especially with money being so tight.

I was trying to be more like my dad, who not only talked the talk but walked the walk. Everyone looked up to him. Even after...after Kayla died, he got back to work as busy as ever with his phones ringing and Realtors coming in and out and different shifts working on the sites. He took responsibility, always building something to be proud of. Jack Barnes loved the business. And I’d loved it too. Or had I just loved trailing after him?

“Can’t worry about the past, can we, Tina?” I whispered, laying her in the crib. “That’s for losers. We need to think about the future and...oh, dammit!”

Oops. “Sorry about the language, sweetie.”

Daycare. I’d gotten distracted earlier and forgotten to follow up with Colleen about daycare. If we were lucky, she’d found a place. But wouldn’t she have mentioned it? Damn, dang, damn. I needed a backup plan. Maybe I could work a double shift and Colleen could stay home. Or maybe I’d work nights and Colleen work days....

I knew I’d figure out something. When my back was to the wall, I always managed to come up with ideas. Of course, according to my dad, not all of my ideas were great, just inventive. I chuckled at the memory. If Colleen returned to the plant, her income would make life easier, could provide the occasional pot roast or steak. The thought had me salivating again as I opened the freezer door and reached for the hotdogs.

More important than steak, however, I couldn’t let Ben Parker down, not when he was counting on me. Especially not after that generous raise he’d worked into his budget.

CLAIRE

Late October

I put my brush down. The finished portrait stood against the wall of my studio. An oversized canvas. A full-length rendering with a new title:
Girl Exhalted
. In her green soccer uniform, Kayla jumped high, knees bent, with her arms up in victory. Winning goal scored by number one. Joy radiated from every part of her.
We did it!
she seemed to shout.

“You sure did,” I whispered. “And I did too.”

I enjoyed a moment of inner peace. The same calmness I’d felt when I’d finally started this portrait, the same calmness I’d managed to recapture from time to time as I lost myself in the work. It had taken much longer to finish than I’d anticipated, but pain had given way to pleasure as I saw Kayla come to life under my direction.

This canvas had become my driving force, my primal energy. Soccer action was classic Kayla, and my daughter in motion was exactly what I’d needed to paint. Jack hadn’t seen it yet—I was planning to surprise him—and I hoped he’d love it as much as I did.

We’d be celebrating our twenty-fifth anniversary this Saturday at Casa Olé. The party had been my idea, and Jack had gone along with it, although I must admit he’d seemed surprised at first.

“Are you really willing to celebrate? As in, have a good time?” he’d asked.

I took a moment. “We’re still here, aren’t we...after twenty-five years?”

A lovely smile appeared. “I guess so, Claire. I hope so.”

My plan was to wait until after dinner and then unveil the portrait for all the guests to see. Everyone would be there—family, friends, and key people in the business. And, of course, Ian. Oh, I hoped he’d like it. Afterward, we’d display it in the family room where Kayla could be present in our everyday life. She’d be with us again, just in a different way. I’d never worked as hard on any project as I had painting this portrait, and I’ve rarely been this happy about what I produced. Professor Columbo used to say:
you don’t see what I see. Your work is good, more than good. It’s magnifique!
His unconscious drifting from one language to another always amused me, but when I studied
Girl Exalted
, I agreed with him.

Most importantly, maybe after the party, after sharing the portrait with family and friends, I’d be able to laugh again. Maybe I’d be able to maintain peace within myself and make peace with everyone I loved.