Fandango in the Apse! (29 page)

‘Ali, can you stay back a minute, I need to talk to you.’  We were just
about to close up for the day and Alison turned a surprised face towards me.

She grimaced. ‘That sounds ominous.’

It had taken me a month of planning to get this far and this was going to
be the hardest part, even harder than when I had explained to the boys.   I
needed a deep breath for courage to face what I knew would be Alison’s objections.

‘I need to take about six weeks off.’

‘Oh, are you going away?’ she asked.  ‘Good, I’ve been telling you to for
long enough?’

‘Not exactly… I’m going to have some work done…’

‘I’m not with you…’

I took another deep breath.  ‘I’m having plastic surgery… on my face.’
Alison shot me a peculiar look, it was as if she knew I was talking, but she
couldn’t make out the words.  Finally she spoke.

‘You are serious aren’t you, this isn’t a joke… you mean it.’  I nodded.

‘For the love of God, why?  There’s nothing wrong with your face, have
you taken leave of your senses?’   I sighed, I knew this would happen.

‘Alison, I don’t expect you to understand, but this is something I have
to do.’

‘No, you don’t – you’re utterly lovely and always have been – look at
you,

not a line or wrinkle, great bone structure, you look years younger than
me.’

‘That’s the problem.’

‘That you look younger than me?’

I laughed. ‘No…the bone structure.  Look at me Ali, really look.  Who do
you see?’

‘You’ve lost me again.’

‘I have my mother’s bone structure… her nose, cheekbones.’

‘Now I really do think I need to call the men in the white coats.  You
look nothing like your mother.  I still remember her, the sour-faced old bag,
with her pinched lips, looking down her haughty nose at everyone… and you think
you look like her?  You are out of your tree, Katie.’

‘You are not understanding me, Ali.  I know I’m not her double, but I do
share characteristics with her, and now I’ve seen that – if I want to move on –
I have to get rid of them.’ 

‘What are you talking about… move on?’  I sighed again; it was so hard to
explain what was in my head without sounding completely irrational.

‘Right, just hear me out and don’t butt in, OK?’

‘OK.’

‘I’ve done a lot of thinking lately, about my life… what I’ve done, how
I’ve behaved.  I can now see that the way my mother was, has had a huge
influence on the way I’ve led it.’

‘You don’t say? I could have told you that years ago, but you wouldn’t
have listened.  In fact I’ve often said to Mark…’

‘You said
you wouldn’t interrupt.’

‘Sorry… carry on.  I’m going to make a drink, but I’m still listening.’

I watched a moment as Alison flicked the switch on the kettle and got two
mugs from the cupboard. 

‘Tea, coffee?’

‘Tea, please.’

‘So go on… explain to me how your mother’s influence is now resulting in
you wanting to mutilate your face.’

‘I don’t want to mutilate my face!  Jesus, Alison, I’m not a complete
lunatic…’ I ignored her raised eyebrow. ‘I just want to alter it slightly… get
rid of all traces of her.  I want to be free of her finally. I’ve had a
consultation with the surgeon, he reckons some small implants in my cheekbones
and a nose job should do the trick.  I wanted him to put an implant in my chin
too, but he says it would upset the balance of my face too much.’

‘Oh, does he now… well bully for him,’ said Alison, as she banged my tea
down in front of me. ‘You’re not doing it, Katie.’

‘I am, and it would be nice to have your support.’

Alison snorted.  ‘Yeah right… like that’s ever going to happen.’

‘You just don’t see it do you?  Can’t you understand that for me to get
over this… get over Robbie…’

‘Oh, I thought he might be behind this somewhere.’

‘This isn’t about Robbie… this is about me.  I have spent my life not
liking who I am, so how can I expect someone else to love me?  I want to like
myself Ali, love myself even – but right now, I’m so angry – with myself, with
my mother.  I know I’m never going to be with Robbie, so I need to have a fresh
start, a new me, and then I can put the past behind me.’

‘Is there anything I can say to make you change your mind?’  I shook my
head.

‘And then what,’ Alison said sadly, ‘if you go through with this.  What
happens after?’

I heaved a sigh of relief, it seemed Alison was finally accepting what I
was going to do – she might not like it, but she would accept it.  I began to
get excited as I told her the rest of my plans.

‘I’m putting the house on the market for starters.’

‘Well, that’s the first sensible thing you’ve said so far.  You’ve hidden
away in that damned house far too long.’

‘Then, I’m going to buy somewhere here in Retford, big enough for the
boys to have their own rooms when they come home for the holidays… then,’ I
smiled.  ‘Provided I can convince my partner and dearest friend to let me have
some more time off – I’m going on a cruise!’

‘Come here you,’ Alison said, grabbing me for a hug. ‘Look, you know I
don’t agree with the surgery thing, but if that’s what it takes to make you
start living your life again, then I’ll have to swallow it.’

‘I love you, Ali.’

‘I love you too, hun.’

So there it is – you now know the reason I’m on this train – I’m off to
the clinic, well actually, I’m staying in an hotel tonight and off to the
clinic in the morning, my surgery is scheduled for eleven-thirty.  I don’t mind
admitting, I am a bit emotional at the moment.  Anger, fear, sadness, they’re
all there, but also a sense of excitement, I can’t wait to be the new me. 

I have now arrived in Kings Cross station and once  I’ve checked into the
hotel I’m going to try to get some sleep.  I don’t think there’s much point in
carrying on right now, so I’m going to sign off until tomorrow.

OK, so it’s
just after ten-thirty, Mr Assad, my surgeon, has left after scrawling all over
my face in blue marker pen, and a quick glance in the mirror assures me I look
like the arse end of a totem pole.  The nurse has just brought me some long
stocking things, which she is insisting I wear.  Apparently, they stop you
dropping dead from a blood clot if you are unfortunate enough to be in the
small minority of people who are prone to this.  I’m putting them on because
knowing my luck, I’d be the person who got to look great as a corpse.

Phew!  I have to tell you my nerves are jangling a bit.  I think I have
bats in my tummy; the fluttering is far too strong to be just butterflies. 
Well, this is it, people.  The orderlies have arrived and I’m off to theatre.

Right… so this
is what happened next.

            I was standing in the bathroom of my room in the clinic, staring
at my face in the mirror when the outer door opened with such force it slammed
against the wall behind it.  What the hell?  I peered around the bathroom door
to see what had happened and there, not three feet in front of me, was Robbie. 
He had his back to me and was staring at my unmade bed.

            ‘Oh, God… no!’  The words erupted from his throat and sounded
almost as if he was in pain.

            The bathroom door creaked as I opened it further and Robbie
swung round to face me.  He had tears in his eyes.

‘Katie! Thank God.’  The next minute I was in his arms.

‘Robbie… what are you doing here?’  I managed to say after he had
released his hold.

‘I’m saving you from yourself … you stupid woman.’

‘Pardon?’ 

Robbie grabbed my shoulders none too gently, all signs of tears and
relief disappearing behind a ferocious scowl.  He looked around him and I
followed his gaze around the room.

‘Get your stuff, Katie, we’re leaving.’

‘I will not!’

Robbie breathed deeply and through gritted teeth, he said it again.

‘Katie, I have been up half the night, just driven for three hours, got a
speeding ticket and wrestled with a security guard to get in here.  We are leaving,
if I have to pick you up and throw you in the car… got it?’ 

‘OK, OK, I’ve got it, although I’ve no idea what you think you’re doing.’

Ten minutes later, still clad in my gown and stockings I was standing
beside Robbie’s car in the car park, with what I know was a mutinous expression
on my face.

‘I’m not getting in, Robbie.’

He was standing beside the open passenger side door.  ‘Yes, you are.’

‘Not until you tell me what you’re doing here.’

‘Get in the damn car, Katie.’

 
I got in the car.

Once I was safely in the seat, Robbie got in behind the wheel and sat
staring out of the window.  I waited a good thirty seconds, with my stomach
doing somersaults and my heart thudding in my ears, until I couldn’t stand it
any longer.

‘Right, I’m in the car, what did you want to say?’  Still he didn’t
speak.

‘Robbie, will you get on with it.’ I knew I was being nasty, but I was
getting annoyed.  Obviously, Alison had something to do with this.  I was
trying not to think badly of her, but it was a low blow if she had somehow
convinced Robbie to come here to talk me out of having the operation.

‘You are not having surgery, Katie.’

I stared at him.  ‘I think you’ll find I have already made that decision
for myself.’

Robbie rubbed his eyes with both hands and my heart dipped as I realised
how tired he looked.  ‘I called at your house last night at eight – I waited
‘til one, but … sorry, what did you just say?’

‘I said, I had already made that decision myself… in theatre, actually. 
Just after they had put the cannula in, but before they administered the
anaesthetic, obviously.’

‘You mean…’

‘Yes, I should be in theatre right now.’ I couldn’t stop myself having a
chuckle. ‘You should have seen their faces. I don’t think they’ve ever had a
patient hop off the table and scuttle out of the theatre before.’

‘What changed your mind?  Believe me, I’m grateful you did, but Alison
said you were determined?’

‘It was strange really; I was on the trolley watching the overhead lights
zip past as I was being pushed to theatre.  It came into my head, that they
could well be the last things I ever saw.  Then it occurred to me just how
selfish I was being.  Surgery has risks and I didn’t want to leave my boys.  No
matter how much I want to change the person I am, they have to come first.’

‘But I don’t understand why you would want to change anything about
yourself in the first place?’  I had to smile at the bewildered look on
Robbie’s face.

‘Oh, Robbie, it’s a long story and I can’t face telling it right now. 
Anyway… you said you were at my house last night.  Why?  Alison knew I was
leaving at five.’

            ‘But I didn’t.’

‘Sorry, I’m confused… didn’t Alison send you?

‘No, why would she?’  Robbie seemed confused now. ‘Alison didn’t tell me
anything until I rang her at six this morning.  She told me what you were going
to do and why you were doing it.’ 

Something was wrong here… if Alison didn’t send him, then why was he
here?  My heart began thumping again as the hope I had successfully damped down
for months traitorously raised it head.  Stop it, I warned silently.

‘Robbie, why did you go to my house last night?’

‘I needed to tell you something.’

‘Something so important, that you waited five hours? 

‘Yes.’

‘So… tell me now.’

‘Julie came up to see me last week.’

‘What?’

‘Just bear with me, Katie; I need to tell you this from the beginning.’

I was confused again, but I told him to carry on.

‘We talked… I mean really talked, about things in the past.’

‘I know about Amanda, Robbie.’

‘You do?’

‘Alison told me, she felt I needed to know.’  Robbie nodded in agreement.

‘Right… well I don’t need to go into it then.  Julie made a lot of sense,
although I think I’d already reached some conclusions on my own after seeing
you kissing that...’

‘Robbie, he’s…’

‘It’s OK, Alison explained this morning.  I know he’s an old friend, but
seeing you with him nearly twisted my guts.  I had to leave before I punched
him.’  I let out the breath I’d been holding while I waited to see if Alison had
mentioned that Michael was a priest.  I silently thanked God, when I realised
she hadn’t.

‘Hmm… so, what were these conclusions you came to?’ 

Robbie turned around in his seat and took both my hands in his.  ‘That if
I want to be with the woman I love, I have to let the past go.  I’ve spent all
my life avoiding relationships, Katie, too scared to get emotionally involved. 
What happened to Amanda… ’  For a brief moment, I could see he was visualising
that time.  ‘It was terrible – such a waste of a life, and I couldn’t help her
– I tried for a while, but she wouldn’t listen.  In the end, I gave up and she
died.’  The anguish of that was etched on his face.

‘But it wasn’t your fault… you must see that.  It’s very sad, but she
made her own choices.’

‘I know that now, but I was young and when Amanda died it was the first
time I’d experienced death.  We had been close, but in the end I’d been
powerless to help her.’

‘Robbie?’  My heart was flip-flopping inside my chest.

‘Yes?’

‘What you said… about the woman you love?’

‘Katie Roberts, I love you more than life itself, I think I always have, right
from the moment you first walked into my kitchen.’

‘No…’

‘Yes… right from then.’  He laughed as he remembered something.  ‘You
scared the hell out of me you know.’

I was laughing too.  ‘Moi?  And just how did I do that?’

‘I knew you were dangerous.’

‘Dangerous?’ 

Robbie sobered, serious again.  ‘Katie, back then you were so broken, so vulnerable,
but you also had eyes a man could drown in.  So many times I wanted you, but I
knew I couldn’t be the man you needed.’