Far From Home (17 page)

Rocky and Jasper were happy to see us when we walked inside and we pet them for a moment before they took off outside and the house seemed too quiet. 

“Do you want something to drink?” he asked and I shook my head.

“No, thanks.  I’m good,” I replied and we stood in silence across the room from each other.  I didn’t know why my heart was pounding so hard inside my chest.  Perhaps it was the way he was looking at me or just the fact that I wanted him so badly, but I didn’t wait for him.  I walked slowly across the kitchen floor, our eyes locking as I took his hand and led him deliberately down the hall and into his room.  He didn’t say anything as I closed the door behind us, but I could see the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing picked up. 

I pulled him towards me, reaching my arms around his neck and kissing him tenderly and slowly, his lips responding just as lovingly.  His hands found their way beneath my shirt and I winced at his warm touch.  I loved when his hands were on me.  His lips left mine and they began tracing paths down my neck and to as much of my collar bone as my shirt would allow.

“Take off your shirt,” he whispered between kisses and I didn’t flinch at his request.  Once my shirt was out of the way, his fingers and lips moved over my skin freely as we went to the bed. 

“I love you, Riley.” His voice was low and husky and full of need.  I would never get tired of hearing those words from him, but his next words caused me to worry. “Whatever happens, remember how much I love you.”  He continued moving over my body, but I stopped for a moment wondering what he was implying.  I gently urged him to look at me and I could see the sadness in his eyes, the worry, the hurt, but also the love he had for me.  He was right though.  No matter where we’d been or where we were going, we had this moment together.  I pulled him to me and he held me tightly as we lost ourselves in each other. 

Chapter Nineteen

It seemed Jesse’s turnaround was short lived because he’d become quieter again and the hanging sadness returned.  I thought he’d been okay until I began to notice the furrow in his brow when he didn’t know I was looking.  I knew it meant he had something on his mind and I watched as it began to creep onto his face more often than I was comfortable with.  It meant he was troubled, but he didn’t tell me anything and whenever I would ask, he’d smile, assuring me he was alright.  When I’d ask him again if he was okay, I could hear the annoyance in his voice at my nagging and I had to force myself to let up, even if I wanted to keep questioning him until he came clean.  I didn’t ask him if he’d had any more to drink, even though I wanted to.  He’d said he wouldn’t do it again and I needed to trust him. 

I didn’t talk to any of my friends about it.  I knew they were worried about him too because he hadn’t been talking much to any of them.  They’d ask me how he was doing, but I couldn’t tell them anything besides he was doing the best he could because that was how I truly felt.  None of us had ever experienced anything like Jesse was going through, and even if we had, we’d all have our families to help.  He had no one.    

Jesse surprised me when Holly suggested we all go out for dinner together and he agreed to go.  We hadn’t all hung out since the Fourth of July and I thought it would be fun to get out together.  We’d all agreed to meet at the only pizza place in town at seven o’clock.  I’d talked to Jesse at lunch time and he said he’d have to come straight from work and might even be a few minutes late, so I should just go without him and he’d catch up with us. 

Everyone else was already there when I walked in.  They were snacking on breadsticks and sodas and I slid into the booth next to Brandon.

“Where’s your better half?” he asked.

“He said he’d meet us here.  I guess he had to stay late for work.”

“How long did he say he’d be?  I’m starving,” Brandon whined.

“Let’s just go ahead and order then.  He’ll be here soon,” I said and Brandon flagged the waitress down.  As we waited for our pizzas, I kept a discreet eye on the door, waiting for Jesse to walk through it.

“None of us have seen Jesse in a while,” Laura pointed out. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” I answered flatly, even though I was beginning to doubt that. 

“I thought he was doing better.  He seemed okay at the fireworks,” Mandy said and I shot a glare at her.

“His dad’s dead.  Of course he’s not better,” I snapped and she looked at me like a deer in headlights and I instantly felt terrible.  I shouldn’t be taking out my frustration on Mandy. “I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “He’s just not been himself since his dad died, which I totally get, but Jesse’s always the one who has it together, ya know what I mean?” I looked around and they all nodded because they all knew it was true. 

Jesse still hadn’t shown up by the time our pizzas came out and it was nearly 7:30 by that point.  No one said anything, but I saw them glancing to the door just as I was.  I finally said screw it and I pulled out my phone.  I thought a text would be less antagonistic than a phone call, so I simply wrote: PIZZA’S HERE.  U COMING?

I pieced at my food while I waited for a response that I realized wasn’t coming after a five minute wait.  I dialed his number this time and I was surprised when it went straight to voicemail.  I hung up and tried again, but it went to voice mail straight away again.  I set the phone down and tried ignoring the pit in my stomach.

“You okay, Riley?” Holly asked as she took a bite of pizza.

I didn’t say anything, but then I shook my head as the all too familiar feelings of helplessness and fear started creeping up. 

“He should be here by now and he’s not answering his phone or texts.”

I didn’t like the way they all were looking at me, because they all looked as worried as I felt. 

“I think we should swing by the shop and see if he’s there.  If not, we should go out to his house,” Brandon suggested and everyone nodded in agreement.  We finished our pizza, but I noticed everyone’s appetites had dwindled once I’d told them I couldn’t get a hold of Jesse.  We didn’t even bother boxing up the leftovers.  It was so warm out it would go bad by the time we drove out to Jesse’s and back. 

We went by the shop, but the parking lot was empty and the building was dark.  We caravanned out to Jesse’s place and I was grateful not to have anyone riding with me because I didn’t feel like talking. 

I felt my heart sink when I saw his Jeep out front.  I was relieved that we’d found him, but I didn’t like the feeling of knowing he’d blown off our evening.  It was not a good sign because it wasn’t like him and my stomach started to hurt. 

I parked next to the Wagoneer and stepped out nervously.  Rocky and Jasper came bounding out of the doggie door and we stopped to pet them for a moment before we went to the door.  Brandon went first, knocking to be polite, and then he opened the door and we filed inside. It seemed like every light in the house was on and I could hear music playing loudly from the stereo in the living room.  We all looked at each curiously for a moment before Brandon spoke up.

“Jesse?” Brandon called out. “You here, man?”

We all waited a few moments for a response and then I heard the sound of heavy footsteps coming up the hall.  Jesse appeared a moment later, looking completely different than I’d ever seen him.  He was wearing nothing but a pair of jeans, his taut stomach available for everyone to see.  His hair was a mess and not in the charming way it sometimes was.  It looked as if he’d been tugging on it for hours.  Even from across the room I could see his eyes were bloodshot and he didn’t look happy to see us.  He glared at us, but then a crooked smile spread across his face.

“Hello friends,” he said with a dark laugh, his speech slow and slurred. “What the hell brings y’all way out here?”

“What’s wrong with you, dude?” Brandon said, eyeing his friend.

“Nothing,” he bellowed. “Not a damn thing!  I’m great.  Fucking great.  Why wouldn’t I be?”

We all stood there like statues staring at him.  I wanted to go to him, but I’d never seen Jesse like this and it scared me. 

Brandon walked closer to him, but then stopped a couple of feet away.

“Are you drunk?” he scoffed.

“Hell no, I’m not drunk.”

“You smell like an entire liquor store exploded on you,” Brandon continued and I tried to bite back the tears forming in my eyes at the sight of seeing Jesse this way.

“Okay,” Jesse said with a laugh. “Maybe I had a few drinks.”

Even though I knew he was drunk, it sounded worse when he admitted it, especially because he’d assured me he wouldn’t do it anymore and that it wasn’t a problem.  He’d obviously lied though and he was totally hammered. 

“You’ve had more than a few drinks.  You’re tanked,” Brandon said and he didn’t sound happy.  No one liked this Jesse.  Brandon was the goof off.  Jesse was the one who kept him grounded, not the other way around. 

“Fuck off, Brandon!” Jesse said, giving him a shove so he stepped back.  Brandon turned to me and I looked at him, begging him to take it easy on Jesse.  Brandon came back to where the rest of us were standing and then Jesse glared at our group. “In fact, why don’t you all fuck off?  I didn’t invite you over! You didn’t even knock.  You just barged in here!  I walk into
my
kitchen and see y’all standing here, staring at me like there’s something wrong with me!  Now get the fuck out!”

None of us moved though and I finally got my footing back and stepped towards him.

“Jesse, please,” I said softly, reaching my hand out to him, but he shooed it away.

“And this one,” he said with a wicked laugh and pointing at me in a way that frightened me. “She won’t leave me alone at all.  She’s always there, always calling, always in my business.  Shit!  She’s always around!  Give it a fucking break, Riley!”

“Enough, Jesse!  You’re being a total dick,” Brandon said in a deep protective voice as he started towards me, but I looked at him and held my hand out so he wouldn’t come any closer.

“Why don’t you guys go wait outside,” I said quietly to my friends.  They didn’t want to go and none of them moved. “Please.  We’ll be okay.  Just wait outside, okay?” I looked at them pleadingly and they finally left, leaving just Jesse and I in the kitchen.  I’d never been so nervous to be around him, but as I stood a few feet away from him, my heart was pounding and I had to swallow hard to get the forming lump in my throat to disappear. 

“Why are you still here?” he asked coldly.

“I’m here because I love you,” I said, stepping closer to him, so only a foot or so separated us. 

“That’s not what I hear.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know what I heard today?” he said sloppily.

“What’d you hear?”

“That you were out with another guy a couple of weeks ago.”

“What?”

“Someone saw you having lunch with another guy.”

“I really hope you didn’t get yourself plastered because of that.”

“So it’s true?”

“Yes, but not how you think.  He’s my co-worker.”

“Matt Campbell.  Yeah, I know,” he sneered. “And you didn’t even bother to tell me.”

“It was nothing.  We just went to lunch.  I didn’t tell you because there was nothing to tell.”

“Sure,” he mocked and I stared at him, folding my arms.

“Jealously doesn’t suit you,” I said flatly and our eyes met for a moment before he broke our gaze and turned, stumbling into the living room.  I followed and my eyes went immediately to the coffee table, which was littered with all kinds of alcohol.  “How much did you drink?” I gasped, realizing just how drunk he really was.

“That’s none of your business,” he sneered, his voice slurring as he picked up a beer bottle and taking a long swig. 

I couldn’t help myself and before I realized what I was doing, I’d crossed the room and grabbed the bottle out of his hands, setting it forcefully back down on the coffee table.  Jesse’s stare was icy and I felt the pit in my stomach growing exponentially.  

“Go home, Riley.” His voice was low and cold and serious. 

“I’m not going home.”

“You need to leave.”

“No,” I said firmly and our eyes locked.

“What are you not understanding? I.  Don’t.  Want.  You.  Here.” The way he annunciated each syllable stung my heart and I tried telling myself he didn’t mean it.  He was drunk.  He was obviously fighting a depression I hadn’t been aware of and it scared me.

“You said you weren’t going to drink anymore,” I said, ignoring his demand that I leave.

“Newsflash, Riley,” he spat sarcastically. “I lied.”

I stood there, fighting the tears that wanted to come.  My throat burned and I folded my arms as I tried to stay calm.  His words cut right through me though and they stung into my heart.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he jeered and I just continued to stare at him. “I’m not your Prince Charming.  I’m a fuck up, Riley.  When are you gonna realize that?  I’m a piece of shit.”

I hated hearing his self-depreciating words and I knew it was the alcohol talking. 

“Why are you doing this?” I demanded, my voice finally rising. 

“I just needed something tonight!” he shouted at me. “Now, back the fuck off and leave me alone!”

Jesse never raised his voice to me and the way his eyes pierced mine, scared me as if I were on the verge of losing him.   

“I told you,” I said firmly. “I’m not leaving.  I won’t leave you.  I love you, Jesse and no matter how hard you try and push me away, I’m not going anywhere.”

I clutched his arm and turned him to me, our eyes meeting and I could see the pain as his filled with tears.  He grabbed me then, crashing me against his chest as he buried his face in my hair and he sobbed loudly.

“I’m so scared, Riley.  So damn scared,” he cried through muffled sobs as I held him, never feeling so helpless in my life.  All I could do was hold onto him as he let go of everything and it broke my heart.

“C’mon,” I said gently a few minutes later, leading him into his bedroom.  Due to the release of emotion combined with the alcohol, he was barely able to walk at this point, but he did with my support.  I grabbed the t-shirt off his bed and slid it over his head.  He was hardly able to keep his eyes open and I felt like I was dressing a giant child with how limp his body was.  “Let’s go,” I said calmly once his shirt was on.  He didn’t resist and I helped him outside to where our worried friends waited by their cars.  They all looked surprised to see a dazed Jesse with me. I was grateful they’d only heard a handful of the hateful things he’d said to me.  To them, Jesse and I were infallible.  It was becoming apparent we weren’t.