Fat Girls and Fairy Cakes (33 page)

I found my coat and pulled it on over my bathing suit, then stepped out into the icy cold. I shivered and walked across the pavement towards my car. Slipping into the driving seat, I stared back at the municipal pool building where so many happy people were celebrating and thought about how I’d changed in the past year.

I thought about Tom and Grace inside. Tom had found Grace just as I’d left and was laughing at something our daughter had said to him. I thought about the way he had leant down and touched her face with such tenderness and tears sprung to my eyes. For a moment in the chilly darkness I looked up at all the stars and wondered if Tom could figure in my future of pink and green fairy cakes. Then I remembered the past and how I’d changed and how Tom wasn’t my match anymore.

I loved my new independence and knew that, whatever happened, I had out grown my old life and could now only share my future on my terms. I wanted real, passionate, uncompromising love and all the contradictions that came with it. I wanted to be close to another person but still be me and most of all I didn’t want my dreams swallowed up in another marriage of money-worries, guilt and game-playing.

There, in the starry blackness, with the muffled sound of laughter and happiness in the air, I realised there were things I had to do.

It was colder now; there’d be a frost tonight. I slid out of the car and started heading back to the pool. Wrapping my coat around me I heard my phone ringing in the pocket but before I could find it the ringing had stopped. I checked the number; it was Diego’s, and he’d left a message. I fumbled with the buttons to hear what he said.

“Hi Stella, I been thinking about you – perhaps we could go for a drink sometime? This ees not about cake. Please call me.” I felt a catch of excitement in my throat and smiled, putting my phone back in my pocket and holding it there like a secret. I would call him back later.

So much had changed in the past year. I didn’t know what would happen next but that’s what made it so exciting. I gave a little skip and walked back into the wedding. Welcoming the warm blast of air, heavy with love and chlorine, I made a wish and dared to hope that one day, I could have my cake – and eat it.

Dear Al,

As requested, here are my notes, poured straight from my disorganised unruly head onto paper. If anything should ever happen to me (knocked down by a bus/run off with a millionaire/am scouted by ‘Models One’ and am jetting around the globe on assignments) then it’s all here – everything I know – knock yourself out boyfriend!

You won’t need much stuff for small amounts – 1 large, roomy bowl, 1 whisk (I use hand held but any will do), weighing scales, and a spatula to scrape every last bit from the bowl.

May I also suggest you accessorize with a bag of Maltesers and the latest celebrity mag? It has been scientifically proven that chocolate and salacious ‘A’ list gossip stops you from opening the oven door to see if the cakes are ready – which could lead to a flat cake disaster zone.

Hints and Tips

Just a few pointers before you get mixing. Baking is my business and it is a deeply pleasurable experience that fills me with something akin to chocolate. There’s nothing lovelier than escaping to the kitchen and that calm heartbeat of the whisk, creating fluffy, sweet, creamy batter – a blank canvas to flavour or colour depending on your mood or whim.

Cake-making can be calming, elating, inspiring and therapeutic, but in order for it to be all that – you mustn’t be stressed sweetie. Life is hard enough and when you’ve had a long day dealing with everyday problems and painful people, you don’t want to be managing temperamental fairy cakes. So to keep this loveliest of pleasures intact my recipes are very simple, extremely easy and so impressive even you won’t believe you made them. I used to bake these cakes at the end of a long day with a small child and trust me they are foolproof. These babies can be made any time of the day or night and they always work – even with a toddler running round the kitchen (or ‘helping’).

 Another tip; when doing the all in one mix (as illustrated in my fabulous notes), I put all the dry ingredients in the bowl first then wait a few seconds and check that all is calm before I add the wet ingredients. That way if there’s suddenly a child/mother/goldfish emergency or a telephone ringing, I can abandon for as long as I need to. But once you add the wet ingredients you need to stick with it through to the end (whatever’s happening) because the ‘rising’ process begins and you need to get them in the oven ASAP. If you don’t, your fairies will be flat. And no-one wants a flat fairy!

Talking of which, try not to keep opening the oven door until they’re ready as this can also cause sinking (you know you can be impatient!). Once you do get them out (oo-er!), if you are unsure whether they’re properly done, just insert a skewer. It should come out completely clean if cakes are cooked.

Ooh and Mum asked me to mention sieving action. She always taught me to raise the sieve high when sifting flour to allow as much air as possible into the bowl an make the lightest fairies. Make sure the bowl is really large too so you can get plenty of height without dusting the kitchen (or the cat) in flour.

There are no fancy or unobtainable ingredients in my recipes Al...and as you know I’m not very exotic (more’s the pity!) so all the ingredients can be found in a girl’s kitchen cupboards. However, the time to hit the icing emporiums and specialist shops or websites is when you want a rich colour – like violet for the punk fairies or deep red for the red velvet cupcakes. Colour paste comes in small tubs, is inexpensive and available in a rainbow of wonderful shades and colours. It can be added to basic icing, including buttercream, or the cake batter for red velvets or even green and purple for ‘scary fairies’ at Halloween.

Finally, know your oven! The cooking times in all recipes can vary depending on how hot your oven is and can make the difference between light and golden and...let’s not go there. So adapt accordingly, if your oven is hot, bake either at a slightly lower temperature, or for a few minutes less – and vice versa.

Good luck!

Inspired by Gerald’s Vicarage Garden!

The anti-establishment buttercream frosting is bright purple and swirly and sweet – but if baking for hardcore punks the batter needs to be ultra violet too. I like to dress mine in black ‘skull and cross bones’ paper cases – often used more innocently for children’s pirate parties – but hinting at something darker here. Makes about 12 “kick ass” fairy cakes.

Ingredients

110g or 4 oz self-raising flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

110g or 4 oz softened butter

110g or 4 oz lavender or plain caster sugar (you
may
be more organised than me – ok...ok, you
will
be, and might even have a jar of caster sugar with a few sprigs of lavender already in the kitchen cupboards?)

2 large eggs

12 rebellious paper cases

Violent Violet Buttercream Icing

250g or 9 oz icing sugar sifted

60g or 2 oz softened butter

A whole load of violet food colouring (ideally a paste from a cake decorating shop or from a cake craft shop online)

Rainbow dust edible bling in violent violet to scatter everywhere (and over yourself too)

Method

Pre-heat the oven to 170°c/325°f/ Gas Mark 3 and fill a cake tin with the paper cases. Sift the flour, sugar and baking powder into a large bowl. Don’t forget the height!

Add the butter and eggs then whisk on a slow speed (yes you can sip your coffee now) until everything is combined. Now add the purple droplets – you can be all arty Al and swirl it for a marble effect – or work at it until it’s pure punk purple.

Spoon the mixture into the paper cases (remember they will rise so don’t fill to the top). Bake in the oven for approximately 20 minutes or until risen and springy to the touch.

Once out of the oven and slightly cooled, take the cakes from the tin and cool on a wire rack... Al don’t... oh too late, you’ve burned your tongue!

For the Frosting

Beat together the icing sugar and butter on a medium speed with a hand held whisk.

Turn the whisk down and add purple colouring (make like Johnny Rotten and splash it in until it can’t take any more!). Continue whisking until the frosting is light and fluffy – this may take at least five minutes, bear in mind the longer you whisk the topping the lighter and fluffier it will become... and I know how much you like ‘fluffy.’

Now top the cooled cakes with the blindingly violet frosting with a knife or the back of a spoon with a very camp swirling movement (you know you can do it).

Then scatter edible rainbow dust on top of the Punk Fairy Cakes while pogo-ing round the kitchen (Al, don’t even try to pretend you’re too young to remember the pogo!).

To be made by Mummy before the school run so she can impress the other mummies at the school gate by announcing to her perfect offspring (with a serene smile – not induced by drugs) that “there’s organic homemade sponge for tea darlings!”

Ingredients

220g or 8 oz organic self raising flour

2 tsp organic baking powder

220g or 8 oz organic butter

220g or 8 oz organic caster sugar

4 large organic eggs

Seeds of half an organic vanilla pod

2 x 20 cm or 8 inch lose bottomed sandwich tins (these don’t have to be organic)

6-8 tablespoons homemade (absolutely!) organic strawberry jam

Several fabulous dollops organic double cream

Method

Put on a pink polka dot apron and pre-heat the oven to 170°c/325°f/Gas Mark 3. Now grease the cake tins with organic butter and a serene, organic smile. Sift the flour, sugar and baking powder into a large bowl, lifting the sieve high to the heavens.

Now add the butter and eggs and whisk on a slow speed until everything is combined. Add the vanilla pods and mix. Spoon the mixture into the two cake tins. Bake in the oven for approximately 25-30 minutes or until risen and golden and springy to the touch.

Once out of the oven and slightly cooled turn the cake tins upside down and place on a wire rack.

When completely cooled, spoon on the organic homemade jam and organic cream and sandwich together in an orgasmic organic rush of pleasure. Dust carefully with organic icing sugar and stand back in the afterglow to enjoy the sight of Stepford Wife perfection.

Now apply pearly lipstick and collect organic children smugly from the school gate.

Tipsy and gorgeous for Christmas, these classy tarts are impressive yet sooo easy to make. They have a wonderful boozy glow with a faint echo of almond paste which is just so Christmassy it makes you want to sing! To make these tarts and truly embrace the season, you will need Christmas music and a glass of Amaretto on the side as you bake. This makes about 12 tarts.

Ingredients

350g or 12 oz mincemeat (homemade or from a jar)

2 tablespoons Amaretto

200g or 7 oz plain flour, sieved

40g or 1½ oz caster sugar

80g or 2¾ oz ground almonds

125g or 4½ oz diced butter

1 large egg, beaten

Milk for glazing

Method

Ok so put that Christmas compilation disc on (the one you got free with
Cute Cupcake
magazine). Grease a twelve-hole cake tin and put aside. Add the Amaretto to the mincemeat and stir, leave aside then pour yourself a small liqueur to inspire that Christmas feeling. As George Michael opens with ‘Last Christmas I gave you my heart...” wiggle your hips, sing loudly and put flour, butter, sugar and almonds into a bowl and plunge (cool) hands into it. Rub the ingredients together with your fingertips and when they’re all combined, add the egg. The CD should now have moved seamlessly on to Johnny Mathis’ ‘Going Home for Christmas,’ which indicates it’s time to gather the mix together in those cool hands, make a ball, wrap in cling film and pop in the fridge. This needs to be left to chill for half an hour which will give you enough time to trawl through the latest gossip in
Heat
magazine.

Now thirty minutes later – you’re celebritied up and the haunting tones of East 17 start their (old but good) Christmas anthem, try not to cry as you roll out the pastry singing ‘Stay Another Day.’ Roll the pastry out onto a floured board. Then cut out twelve pastry circles with a fluted cutter (7.5cm/3ins) as the E 17 boys reach a bell-pealing climax – and place all the pastry circles into the prepared, greased tin.

Add a large teaspoon of liquored mince-meat to each pastry circle and then cut 12 more circles, place them on top of the mince filled bottoms and seal all the edges to prevent the tipsy mincemeat escaping. Pre-heat the oven to 200°c/400°f/Gas Mark 6, cut a small slit in each pastry top to let the steam escape, brush with a little milk and chill for another 30 mins (time for
Hello
and a forensic scrutiny of festive photo shoots). Once you’ve spent a whole 30 mins studying TV soap stars dressed in Santa suits you can pop the pies into the oven.

Bake for 20 minutes, serve warm and let the sweet, Christmassy aroma fill your kitchen and your heart.