Fatal (10 page)

Real life was so confusing. Boys were confusing. I flipped over the test page as I popped the lid of one of my pens and jammed it down on the back so I wouldn't lose it.

History, now that was clear. A line of identifiable actions and reactions that led to certain events. A line you could draw through the names of people, places, battles.

I bit down lightly on the tip of my tongue, hunching over the booklet and scribbling down all I knew Paul Revere's involvement in the Revolution, pleased at my ability to recall all that information.

The certainty of it all felt so good. I concentrated on every word, studying the questions and giving the best possible answers and explanations.

For that time, I could forget my own problems, my own history and the future it pointed towards, and just write.

When Dr. Hackett cleared his throat, I'd entered a trance-like state. I jumped at the noise, looking around at the room, not recognizing any faces, or even really knowing where I was for a few seconds.

"It has now been one hour. Those of you who are finished may hand in your test materials, collect your belongings, and enjoy the remainder of your day."

Chairs squeaked, desks groaned and backs cracked as people who were done got up to go.

I looked down at my test sheet. There were still two points I had to address in my essay before I could write the conclusion.

Leaning forward, I got back to work. Some ink had rubbed off against my pinky finger in my hurry to get everything down, but that didn't matter.

Something seen out of the corner of my eye made me glance over.

It was Adam. He looked at me as he made his way down the stairs, test materials in hands. The little metal draw on his jacket zipper clicked every time he took another step.

When he saw me looking, he turned away.

What was he doing? He must have seen me trying to get his attention earlier. He knew I wanted to talk to him.

Had he done this deliberately? Finished his test so that he could leave right away?

I looked down at my booklet. Damn it; I couldn't hand it in like this. Not if I wanted to maintain my scholarship.

I bit down on the tip of my tongue until it hurt. Adam handed his papers over to Dr. Hackett and left the room, joining the flow of all the other early finishers. The campus wasn't that big, but there were so many places you could go. I didn't even know what dorm he was in, or if he was in a dorm at all.

My heart beat so hard I could feel my pulse in my toes. It roared past my ears as I leaned back to do the fastest writing I'd ever done. I had to keep concentrated and not glance at the clock, knowing every second took him farther away, made it more difficult to find him.

By the time I scratched the words "In conclusion," onto the final sheet of my workbook, my hands shook. My letters came out more
chicken scratch than words, and I hoped to God that Dr. Hackett or his TAs could read it.

"Yes..." I said
triumphantly as I finished, earning me dirty looks from the blonde girl two seats down from me.

I practically rushed down the stairs, shoving my pens into my pocket.

"Have a nice..." Dr. Hackett started to say as I shoved my papers at him.

"You too," I said, wrenching one of the doors open and slipping through into the hall beyond.

Chapter 15

The hall was empty. I let the door handle slip from my hand. The click it made when it shut was the loudest thing there. It was between classes. The hall was long and broad, smaller rooms lining either side all with their doors shut.

Swallowing against the lump in my throat, I started forward at a quick walk.

Where was he? The lecture hall was on the second floor of the Liberal Arts building. It had another name, bought by some old rich family I couldn't remember. I didn't care, either.

My footsteps echoed back to me, making it sound like there were a dozen Stephanie Hursts looking for Adam. The scratch on my thigh burned under the denim of my jeans, but I ignored it.

Why was it so important that I find him? I couldn't answer that question. All I knew was that it consumed me at that moment. I could think of nothing but finding Adam and making him sit still long enough to talk with me.

I shoved open the white-painted door marked "STAIRWELL 2" in stenciled letters. The echo of my footsteps boomed in my ears like a chattering machine gun as I quickly descended.

Where the hell was he? Why was he avoiding me? What is wrong with me? I kept thinking.

Shoving open the door at the bottom of the stairs, I emerged into the sunlight. It drenched me with its warmth moments before the cool breeze sent a shiver down my back. I was on the sidewalk, looking across one of the lanes that snaked its way across the campus to allow cars through.

The leafless trees shuddered and waved in the wind, their clacking branches again making me think of dried old
finger bones clattering together.

"Hey!"

A hand falling my shoulder nearly made me shriek, my mind flashing back to the previous night. I held the noise in my throat, opting instead for a brief jerk at the unexpected touch. But I knew that voice.

"How'd the test go?" Jenn asked.

I spun to face her. Today her hair was long and straight, and she'd applied some black lipstick to her lips. She also wore a leather jacket, and a small black knapsack hung from one shoulder.

It seemed somehow unnatural for her to be out in the daylight like that. The sun reflected off her nose piercing as she flared her nostrils.

"Test? Oh, yeah! Well, I think. Whatever. Hey, have you seen Adam?"

"Adam? Adam Arnold?" she said, shifting her knapsack from one shoulder to the other.

"Yeah. Seen him?" I said. I could hear the excitement in my voice, and I knew I'd be rolling my eyes if I were in Jenn's position.

She still had her hand on my shoulders and she ran it slowly over to cup my cheek for a moment as she looked down into my eyes.

"I think so, maybe. Down by the library."

"Thanks!" I said.

I started in the direction of the library, crossing the street as I made a mental map of the campus in my mind, trying to figure out what route he'd take, and how to get there first.

"Does he owe you money or something?" Jenn said, her long strides eating up the distance between us until she was right beside me.

"What? No," I said.

"Oh, so you have a crush on him, then," Jenn concluded.

It took me a second to hear the barely-covered hurt in her voice. Heat flashed through my body as I thought back to the party, of the warmth of her mouth against mine. Of the way she looked at me sometimes.

"Of course I don't," I said, regretting seeing her now.

The heels of her boots clicked on the sidewalk, my runners almost silent in comparison. Normally, I knew, I'd be so worried about having rushed through that last portion of my essay.

But the essay didn't really matter. Somehow, the more rational part of me knew I'd done just fine.

We moved around a bend in the road, both sides of it lined with evergreens. Their sweet pungent filled the air.

"So why do you want to see him so badly, then?" Jenn said.

"He..." I said, about to launch into the whole story of the walk home last night. I changed my mind, "He helped me study for the test. Today he's ignoring me. I just want to know what his deal is."

It wasn't exactly a lie. He had, in fact, helped me study by getting rid of Eric and Joseph. Who knows what might have happened if he hadn't showed? Would I be in some hospital somewhere? Would I be dead right now?

My breath caught in my throat at the thought, and the Fall air felt especially chilly against my face.

"What a
weirdo," Jenn said, "Though, you know, he is kinda cute. Sometimes I miss being with guys. Sometimes," she finished, glancing my way.

She did seem a bit more relieved, though I thought that my little
omission there was clear in my tone.

But then the library loomed up above the trees. It was designed like a fortress, the brown walls high and
imposing. There were even crenellations along the roof. We started up the stairs to the entrance.

The building was recessed slightly into the ground, the windows of the "basement" clear to see. It was like a dry moat, ready to flood at any time to guard the knowledge secreted within.

"You saw him around here?" I said, looking through the plate-glass windows. There was the front desk, a line of students looking bored as they waited to check out books. To the right was the small cafe, and straight ahead a bank of computer terminals for searching through the catalog.

My eyes flicked back and forth, searching. I looked back over my shoulder, wondering if he was already out.

"There he is!" Jenn said, nodding towards the cafe.

He stood by the register, a can of soda in his hand ready to check out.

I wanted to reach for the handle to pull the door open, but my muscles froze. Doubts flooded me. What if he didn't want to talk because he didn't like me? What if he regretted what he'd done? What if he doesn't like me?

"You know, it's supposed to be the guy who's nervous about all this," Jenn said.

"I'm not nervous," I said, trying to hide how my hands shook.

"Whatever. Let's go find out what this guy's deal is. Want to grab lunch after?"

"Sure," I said.

Jenn pulled the door open and push
ed me through. We went to the cafe and stood by the entrance, waiting for him to pay for the can of Coke he held.

The ground floor of the library was fairly noisy, with attendants asking people for their student cards, students loading and unloading backpacks and bags laden with books, chatting with their friends. I didn't think there was any way that he could have heard us.

As we stopped, he looked up. He paused, then, one hand digging in the pocket of his jeans for change. Jenn waved at him, a small, satisfied smile on her lips.

"It's like we caught him rubbing one out or something," she said, whispering it from the side of her mouth.

"Jenn!" I said, even though she'd said it so quietly I was certain I was the only one who could hear it.

But then Adam snorted and shook his head, putting a few bills into the cashier's hand and waving away the change.

"He heard you!" I said. I could feel my skin getting hot and red. Why didn't I feel so nervous around this guy?

"No way.
Come on, let's go settle this so we can grab some lunch. We can eat in my room."

Adam went to one of the small, circular tables and sat down, cracking open the soda and taking a sip as he looked calmly at us.

Jenn started into the cafeteria and I followed. She stopped beside him, crossing her arms under her breasts and tapping one foot. I felt like hiding behind her and trying to peep over her shoulder.

Come on! I admonished myself. God, had it really been so long since I'd had a crush that I was acting like a little girl?

"So, Adam, Steph told me about last night," Jenn said.

Adam sipped from the can and wiped at his lips with his thumb.

"She did?"

Steeling myself, I came out from behind Jenn to stand beside her. Adam looked at me for a moment, then back to her. Was that supposed to mean something?

"Yeah, it must have been quite the study session. Why'd you ditch her?"

"What are you talking about?"

"It was like you didn't even see me in the lecture hall. I waved," I said, finding the strength to interject.

This time Adam actually glanced around the cafe, as though looking for an escape route. I almost pitied him for a moment. Jenn was such a force of will. I wouldn't want to be the one receiving that stare from her.

"Really? Sorry, I was just trying to remember all my notes. I don't even really remember seeing Dr. Hackett. So, last night worked for you? You got all your studying done?"

"Hey, that's not the full answer..." Jenn started.

I knew he was lying. He'd seen me, looked at me at least twice in the lecture hall. But why was he lying? What was he hiding?

"Yeah, studying was great, thanks. Hey, you
wanna grab a bite?" I said to him.

Jenn looked at me, her smug smile gone. Shock and surprise replaced it. I felt bad. I knew she wanted to eat with me and spend more time with me. But I also didn't think I was what she wanted me to be.

Besides, this whole Adam situation was far too intriguing. Just what was this guy hiding?

Again, Adam glanced around. Seeing no escape, he gave me a tight-lipped smile.

"Yeah, sounds good. They do good sandwiches here."

"Hey, you're last name's Arnold, right?" Jenn said. She was rapidly losing control of the situation, and I could hear the desperation in her voice.

Again, the guilt tugged at me, but it just felt right to be there with Adam. It felt good to be with Jenn, but not right. There was a difference, I knew, even though I couldn't fully explain it, even to myself.