Fate Is A Stranger: Regency Romance (19 page)

"Good," said Violet sighing audibly. "I want to see how her new dress looks on her."

"That dress is new material, mum, but it ain't new."

"Yes, Maribel, I know. Aunt Bea insists on issues of La Belle Assemblée when the plates were first started, many years ago. But the dress is new to her, and that's what's important. For her sake we must make believe it is in fashion. Actually it
is
in fashion, just not the
current
fashion. So please, be kind and admire it without judging it, Maribel."

"I will do that, Miss Violet," said the outspoken Maribel, "I'm just glad you don't take to such notions yourself, else I'd really go cuckoo."

"I may be just as eccentric as Aunt Bea in my old age, Maribel, for we are related by blood; just be thankful you'll probably be long gone and with your own family by then," laughed Violet.

Maribel was silent after that, concentrating on the hairstyle Violet had chosen and at which Maribel was very adept.

Again Violet returned to her disturbing thoughts. Why did she feel this underlying menace in this beautiful castle that was a place of tranquility and beauty?

* * *

Violet looked down from the top of the great crescent staircase. She wished her mother had been able to attend, for she suddenly felt a chill go through her. She remembered her mother saying a few days before that she had felt as though someone was walking over her grave. Violet suddenly felt that a shadow had glanced across her, right there in the middle of a glittering ballroom that was so vast she could not see its end.

Her dance with Souten was coming up. She remembered that she had made a decision to concentrate her attention on the person she was dancing with at the moment and to not seek out with her eyes the place where the duke was at each moment of the night.

This, she believed, would start her off on the road to recovery. She must recover from having allowed her heart to foolishly stumble around in places where it was forbidden.

Hawk had given ample proof that carte blanche was all he would offer her. And not only that, Violet believed he was certain that with continued insistence he would erode her defenses and in the end she would comply.

She saw this tableau down the road: she became Hawk's mistress. At first he was all that an ardent lover should be, giving her his love and devotion and hours and hours of his time. Then the years would go by. For the lucky ones it was six or seven years and even ten, but for others it was a few months to two or three years and then the
conge
, that dreadful word she had learned firsthand, from her mother's ended liaisons.

In such a way her mother's liaison with Lord Kelly had ended. It was only through a miracle she hardly understood that many years later they had again reconnected and found they could not be apart from each other.

She recalled how Lord Kelly and her mother had run into each other a few times during the intervening years. There had been a tension in those meetings that she had felt, even as a child. At the age of five she had been introduced briefly to him at a park. Lord Kelly had expressed to her and Sadie that Violet was a little beauty and Violet had smiled as Lord Kelly had put his hand under her chin and tilted her head upward. She had looked into the kind man's eyes and liked him. Thereafter, she would sometimes ask her mother if they were going to see the kind man in the park and her mother would tell her to hush, that there was no likelihood of that.

Afterward, Violet understood why her mother became tense and unhappy after each of those few encounters with Lord Kelly. Her mother had fallen in love with him and when he realized his feelings for Sadie were the same as hers, he cut off the relationship with her.

Through the years, when they met by chance, with little Violet between them, they realized sadly that the love they felt for each other had not abated. When Lord Kelly asked how old Violet was sure Sadie had subtracted one year from Violet's age, so that he would not suspect the truth, that Violet was his daughter.

Then God had smiled on all of them.

Violet would not be so lucky if she agreed to a liaison with the duke. Her mother’s kind of luck did not come around too often. And unlike her mother’s story, Violet’s would be a sad one without a happy ending. She would be discarded after a few years and she would be laughed at by the ton and be unable to ever again look her father in the eye. Lord Kelly would never say a word to her about it, but in her heart Violet would know she had failed him.

They would say she had acted true to her nature
.

That was the price she would have to pay for a few years with Hawk, a price that was much too dear.

"Dear Violet, should we not start down the steps," said Lady Bea, interrupting Violet’s sad thoughts.

Violet realized her bleak thoughts had made her halt at the top of the stairs as she gazed at the future she would have if she accepted Hawk’s offer.

"Yes, let’s go down, Aunt Bea," she said, as she took the old lady lovingly by the arm.

Souten halted their progress at the receiving line as he grabbed Violet's hand. He looked admiringly at her while Lady Bea stared at him, annoyed.

"You look simply adorable, Miss Durbin. I don't believe I have ever seen anyone as enchanting as you in all my life."

Violet was amazed that common words, when uttered by Souten, always seemed full of hidden meanings.

A few minutes later, Souten came by again, to claim his waltz with Violet.

"The ballroom looks enchanting," said Violet without looking at him, as she pulled her hand away from his, for again he had made a grab for it as he led her to the ballroom.

"I’m sorry this is our last night at the castle, Miss Durbin," Souten said, uncomfortably near her ear, "for it means this beautiful sojourn in your company comes to an end."

"All things end, eventually," said Violet as she glanced around the ballroom even though she had promised herself she would not look for Hawk.

He was standing by the wall and he was gazing at her. Violet felt a surge of blissful satisfaction that he was not looking at another woman.

She realized how the rest of her life would be without him: a series of longings and regrets, suppression of her emotions and sudden surges of feelings, where she would have to practice monk-like severity on herself in order to triumph.

Maybe she could go live in Forester Hall and never come back to London for any Season, ever again. That way she would be away from the constant temptation that Hawk was.

"You are very thoughtful, Miss Durbin," Souten intruded on her with words that meant to be enticing, yet sounded strident. She was in trouble if anyone who was not Hawk felt discordant, thought Violet.

"I was just thinking what a beautiful castle this is," she replied. She would talk of inconsequential things tonight. That way that which indeed meant a lot to her would be hidden away from the world.

"It’s a wonderful place," agreed Souten, "But it is not the only place of beauty in these parts. I wish you would allow me to show you my estate, Malva Hall. I’m certain you would love it. It has been described by many who have visited as a place of beauty and retreat."

When the waltz was over Souten walked her back to where Lady Bea sat with the chaperones.

As she sat on her chair, Souten still hovered about. Aunt Bea leaned toward Violet.

"Excuse, me, my lord," said Violet, "I must attend to Lady Bea."

"Certainly, I shall await your pleasure, Miss Durbin," said Souten.

"That's the man I told you about—the dark man with the strange eyes," Lady Bea whispered fiercely into Violet's ear. "I cannot be too near him, for he fills me with fear."

"Please, Bea," said Violet, alarmed, "Don’t make a commotion about it because people will notice and then we will have to leave the ball. You wouldn't want to leave a ball that you prepared so carefully for and for which you obtained this lovely ball gown, now would you?"

"Well, no," said Bea, but the fear was still in her eyes as she avoided looking at Souten, "But how can I pretend he's not here?" Her voice had risen.

"Just not look at him, Bea."

Bea rose. "He was walking in the corridors last night, with a black wine bottle."

"Sit down, Bea, please."

"All right,” Bea said, “but I don’t like it one bit."

After a few minutes, Violet settled Lady Bea with Bea’s best friend, a lady that always had a calming effect on her. She remained with them until the two old ladies became immersed in a conversation about clothes. Violet then told Bea she would return shortly with lemonade for her.

Bea nodded but Violet saw that she glanced furtively and fearfully at Souten. She realized Bea’s fear of Souten was real and intense.

Lord Souten waited until Violet was free and accompanied her to obtain the lemonade for Lady Bea.

"You were talking to me about your estate, Malva Hall, my lord," said Violet, trying to pretend everything was all right. Lady Bea had transmitted to Violet her deep fear of Souten. She was shaken by Lady Bea's fears and her fierce whispers concerning Souten but she couldn’t let Souten suspect it.

"It's within view of the ocean and views of the ocean are to be had from all the windows on its southern side," said Souten,"It sounds very appealing.”

“A view of water is always refreshing."

"There is also a duck pond in the gardens and a stream in the wood nearby. I would be honored if you and your family would spend some time at the estate at my invitation, Miss Durbin. Could we perhaps set a date for that?"

"Let us talk some more about your estate, sir, I cannot at the moment commit to anything. Mama, is not feeling well and has not yet recovered from her cold. Do you ride?"

"Yes, I do," said Souten, and Violet realized that Souten was extremely nervous. Too nervous for a ball, certainly. Violet had lately become aware that the man seemed even frantic in her presence and tried to disguise it. His obsessive passion was beginning to alarm her.

She was glad when Souten left them for she was becoming increasingly nervous in his company. She had almost ran back to where Lady Bea was.

"My dear, is everything all right?" asked Bea, "You look very flustered. I see that man is still lurking about. Did he threaten you?"

"No, of course he didn't threaten me. Here is the lemonade, Aunt Bea. Yes I believe I am too warm for such a cool spring day. Perhaps after you drink your lemonade you could walk with me to the terrace, to cool off."

"Yes, let’s go there, now my, dear," agreed Bea, making quick work of the lemonade.

"I’m glad you rescued me from that bothersome Mrs. Pitting,” said Bea. "The nerve of that woman, to give an opinion on my attire when it’s obvious she knows little if anything about fashion."

"What did she say?" asked Violet as she strolled down the side of the ballroom with Aunt Bea hanging from her arm, thankful for Aunt Bea's soothing chatter.

"She had an opinion on my gown and had the audacity to inform me that petticoats have not been in fashion since the Empress Josephine discarded hers years ago. She said she tossed them out the window of her castle. Is that true?"

"I don't know if the Empress did just that, Aunt. Mrs. Pitting may just have been funning you. And what did you respond?"

"I reminded her that I am at least twenty years older than her, my dear, and that as such, I would have the greater knowledge as to whether petticoats were in style or not. How can a young whippersnapper like her know anything about fashion?"

"Mrs. Pitting young?" asked Violet amused, "She's fifty-five, Aunt." But she realized that to Aunt Bea, fifty-five must be considered very young still, unless she herself wanted to be considered old.

"Good evening, your grace. Have you come to claim your dance partner?" Aunt Bea asked, looking up as the duke reached them.

CHAPTER 19

Hawk’s voice shot through Violet's consciousness like lightning. Violet had been trying hard to concentrate only on Aunt Bea's words and not look anywhere except the immediate floor in front of her so she had not seen the duke come up to them.

"Yes, Lady Bea," answered Hawk, "Were you ladies heading to the terrace?"

"We were, your grace," answered her aunt.

"There is a gentleman heading this way that has been asking about you, my lady, " said the duke to Bea, "and his name is Colonel Tippen. Ah, here he is!"

Lady Bea blushed as Colonel Tippen bowed over here hand. "A beautiful gown, my lady," he said.

"You go on to the terrace with his grace, my dear," said Bea to Violet. "Colonel Tippen and I have an unfinished conversation to resume."

"Yes, Bea," said Violet happily. She knew that the Colonel would keep Bea from thinking of Souten and her strange fear of him and that the colonel who was extremely fond of Lady Bea would keep her company throughout the night. They were as two peas in a pod. Both eccentric in their own way.

"So then you wouldn't mind if I remove your niece from your company, my lady?" asked the duke.

"Certainly not," beamed Lady Bea. "Go on, your grace, twirl my Violet around the room, she has been too serious lately."

"Has she?" asked Hawk, and felt, as Violet looked up into his eyes, that here was the woman he would like to spend the rest of his life with. The surprising thought left him a little shaken, for up until now he would not, could not
ever
have considered marrying a woman who had once belonged to someone else, and however by force it had been, had once been a courtesan. He could not even give complete credit to his feelings. Perhaps, by the end of the ball, he would have changed his mind; come back to his senses. He imagined the fourth duke, had he been alive, would not have been amused should Hawk have disclosed to him the alarming renderings of his mind. This thought, rather than worry him, gave him a pleasant glow of satisfaction.

Violet looked at Hawk and saw an amused twinkle in his eye as he tendered his hand toward her.

"You seem amused, your grace."

"Yes, highly amused, Miss Durbin, for until now I had not known myself. A sudden epiphany, if you will."

"A strange place for an epiphany, sir, in the middle of a ball," said Violet, and asked, "And what is it you have found in yourself that you had not known before?"

"A realization, Miss Durbin that only a blind man such as I could not see before. Has such a thing ever happened to you?"

Hawk led Violet to the dance floor and in the swirling midst of ball gowns in pastel and jewel tones and the lights from hundreds of candles they began their waltz. When Violet did not respond to his words but looked at him curiously, he added,

"I was surprised to find in myself a depth of feeling toward you, Miss Durbin, I had not known existed."

"I would not trust any feeling that unmasked itself at a ball," answered Violet, trying to hide the feelings in herself as well that threatened to surface to her face. Could she hope? No, do not hope, she told her wayward heart, for it will not be so. Epiphany or not, it is the same 'arrangement' he is describing, only with a different name.

"You believe then that an artificial setting such as this, Miss Durbin, where the true perception of things is distorted by the excitement of the occasion; by the scent of myriad blossoms, the heady burning wax, the music and wine can give rise to the wrong conclusion?"

"Yes, I believe that to be so. One should wait for the morning, instead."

"Morning headaches after excess and dissipation render better judgments, then?"

"Unromantic as that may seem, I believe that to be true. Better to wait for the morning," said Violet, "than to regret rash decisions."

"You seem almost to read my mind, Miss Durbin, and object to what you find."

"I object to rash judgments that can bring only distress when saner judgments follow."

"Distress to whom?"

"I believe our dance is finished, sir. Would you escort me back to my aunt?"

"We still have four more waltzes, Miss Durbin," said Hawk as they reached Aunt Bea.

"No, only two," Violet said with a nervous laugh.

Violet was glad that Colonel Tippen had been able to attend the ball. He would now keep Aunt Bea company while Violet danced. And perhaps he and Aunt Bea would venture out to the dance floor for a waltz or two. She saw that Aunt Bea's face glowed with joy.

As Hawk walked away with the assurance that we would return to claim another waltz, she wished she could allow herself that unalloyed joy in Hawk's company that Aunt Bea was free to express in the colonel's company. Violet didn't even want to examine too closely Hawk's words. So fragile these words seemed that she was afraid they would be crushed to death should she hold them too close to her heart.

She realized that her heart had gone over to enemy ground without the slightest warning. When had she slipped into irrevocable love? Why had she allowed Hawk to steal her heart? It had been so gradual she had hardly noticed, but there it was.

She must never give him an inkling of it.

She would be even more vulnerable to his charm if he knew how she felt. She must keep her love locked in her heart, for the rest of her life if need be. Humiliation was what awaited her should her secret see the light of day. Hawk, liking his conquests and tiring of them once he had succeeded, would be amused and a little embarrassed by her professed love for him. And the offering of his pity would be the dagger in her heart that would turn her into one sorry mess.

So it must stay locked in her heart, forever. A secret shared was a secret lost. She would confide in
no one.
Not even in her mother.

Violet was gasping for air. She thought of going to the terrace and hoped it was deserted. Her next waltz was with Jared but she saw that the musicians were preparing for their rest and so she knew she had some time before the music started. She whispered to Aunt Bea that she would be back in a few minutes.

"Do you want me to accompany you, dear," asked Bea, interrupting her enjoyable talk with Colonel Tippen.

"No, Aunt, stay here. I shall return anon."

"Do not be too long, my dear, for you know I worry so."

"I will not; do not fret."

Violet glanced in on the terrace and saw that it was filled to the hilt with couples. Where to go to be alone?

She remembered that the castle had smaller balconies that gave off from a side parlor that was seldom used as it was separated from the ballroom and drawing rooms.

She slipped out through dark fluttering drapes and sighed with relief as she looked up at the three-quarter moon and felt the enveloping solitude she always welcomed.

A sardonic chuckle made her turn her head sharply to the only corner of the balcony where she had not looked.

"Is my ball something to be escaped from, Miss Durbin?"

A joy quivered throughout her body at Hawk's baritone voice.

"I needed some air."

"I can understand your wish perfectly for I came in search of fresh air myself."

"I believe I should get back—"

"Wait, Miss Durbin. I have a request. Will you allow me to call you by your beautiful name? May I call you Violet and you call me Hawk?"

"Please, your grace," said Violet, her voice unconvincingly thin, "I must insist I be addressed as Miss Durbin. I cannot countenance a familiarity that must not exist between us. It would be unseemly."

"There is nothing unseemly about it, Miss Durbin. You are not a miss, so to call you "Miss" is even a false address."

"I see that your first reaction is always to 'put me in my place,' your grace. I have come to count on it.

“I try to follow the rules society has for girls my age even though I am not a girl anymore, but a woman, as you specified. But I find that when you say the word 'woman' in relation to me, you give it a special connotation, as if it were stained.

"I am as yet an unmarried woman, and even though I could dance the whole night with one man, I choose to follow the rules, though I do it on the fringes of society and only my parents and I care.

"This, I believe, is my right, and I don't I need your permission."

"Good Lord, Miss Durbin, please forgive me. I am again a bumbling idiot. It seems that in my desire to advance my acquaintance with you I am capable of only making one mistake after another. Will you excuse my boorish behavior?"

Violet nodded her head but just barely.

Hawk moved closer to her and even in the moonlight Violet could see that his chest expanded as his breathing became fast and labored. Tingles coursed through her veins and pooled in her stomach, sending sparks to places that should not be awakened.

"Please believe what I feel for you," he said as his strong hands fell on the bare space between her short ball gown sleeves and her long silk gloves.

Violet stared hypnotically at Hawk's rising and falling chest, and at his white shirt that was moon-blue in the darkened balcony. She had become just as breathless as her pulse raced and a tremor raced through her.

She gasped like a trapped bird in a clasped hand.

She knew that should she look up and into his eyes in the treacherous moonscape that was that balcony, she would soon be lost in his kiss.

But then his lips fell on hers, removing any choice she may have had and Violet felt suddenly as though she had merely existed on this earth until now, when every cell in her body had awakened and soared.

His hand threaded her hair as his lips seared her mouth, sending such radiating sparks of bliss throughout her that she had trouble with any kind of thought. His lips moved to her neck and she felt his dark wavy hair brushing her cheek and neck as his scent of orange water, leather and the outdoors made her mind reel. She wondered how there could be such enthralling passion as was now enveloping her heart, her mind, her senses.

"I love you," Hawk said as his lips nestled behind her ear and he coiled long silken tassels of her dark hair in his hand.

"You must not say it," said Violet. Hawk's words were like a sword cutting through the idyllic moment and bringing her back to reality.

She knew in just what way Hawk "loved" her.

"I must get back to the ballroom. Aunt Bea will be worried," she said, trying to control her breathless voice as she hurriedly straightened her hair and broke away from him.

As they walked back to the ballroom, Hawk and Violet were silent. Violet reached Aunt Bea and kissed her in greeting.

She let out a long breath, for she felt like she had survived a flood.

"I shall return for my next dance, Miss Durbin," said Hawk after greeting the colonel and bowing to Lady Bea, who looked curiously at him. He then left them.

Violet nodded, glad that Jared was her next waltz. Why couldn't the duke be more like his nephew? But then if he were, would she have fallen so violently in love with him? Violet was alarmed at the extent of her feeling for Hawk. Surely she must get away from him as far as possible.

As soon as the Season ended, she would return with her parents to Forester Hall and be glad to have escaped from such a close call. Yet there were still a few weeks left in the Season. She must make certain she was never alone with him again.

How many times had she promised this to herself only to break it?

She had made the exact determination not a day ago and she had then found herself alone with Hawk again. Did she unconsciously seek to be alone with him?

She pondered her determination to obtain some fresh air in the balcony. Had she considered the idea that she might find herself alone with him, since this was his estate? No, she had not. And that was where the problem lay.

Thankfully, this house party was at an end. By tomorrow her father would have returned from his journey north and she and her family would head back to London.

She would simply lock away the memories of Hawk's kisses and earth-moving embraces in a deep recess of her heart.

"You are very thoughtful, Violet," said Jared.

"Oh! Violet was startled out of her thoughts. “Only with the musings of my mind, Jared." She realized that she allowed Jared to call her Violet yet had vehemently denied the duke the same request. Well, certainly Jared posed no danger to her. She looked into Jared's eyes and saw that he was gazing at her with unalloyed adoration.

"Will you marry me, Violet?"

"We have gone through this before, Jared. The duke would not approve," Violet smiled at him. He was such a personable young man. Could she forget the duke and marry this sweet young man who had no wish to make her his mistress?

"That's because he wants you for himself," said Jared frowning as he glanced furtively at his guardian. Even as they danced the duke was gazing at them from the sidelines.

"We could elope, Violet. People head to the Scottish border all the time. There would be a little gossip and then things would die down. You would then proceed to make me the happiest of mortals. I hardly know how I should live each day, wrapped in such bliss."