Fear No Evil (23 page)

He was only joking, and I decided not to enlighten him. Let him keep practising. Betty was more than capable of shutting him up if she wanted to. She was taller than him for a start, and she had that weird mystical voice thing going on. She’d gone home tonight, to see her partner and kids. Justin had taken the opportunity to nip back and visit his girlfriend as well.

‘Oh,’ I’d said, ‘Justin has a girlfriend? I thought he was getting on all right with Sophie.’

‘Not his type,’ said Dan. ‘He likes his women with a bit more meat on their bones. His current belle is the reigning Miss Big But Beautiful Barnsley. They met at a convention.’

‘Crikey. Justin’s a chubby chaser?’

‘Yes. And proud of it. He likes squeezing them on the back of his motorbike and going for romantic picnics in the countryside with an extra large blanket and a multipack of Kit Kats.’

‘Are you winding me up?’ I asked.

‘Would I do something like that?’

‘I’m not
totally
sure,’ I replied. ‘But I think yes, you would. Well, it’s good they have, you know, lives to go back to. When they’re not following you round the country on your crazy Jedi Knight campaigns.’

‘I’m not a Jedi Knight,’ he said.

‘No, but you’d look pretty hot in the robes,’ added a dried-off Tish. ‘Have you ever thought about it? Jayne – I can see you in some Princess Leia buns…’

‘Nah,’ I said, making a start on my pint. ‘I was always a Han Solo girl myself. Anyway – Dan. Are you sure? I’m not convinced going back right now is a good idea. Isn’t it a bit like covering yourself in raw steak and jumping in a pool full of piranhas?’

‘Look, Your Worshipfulness, let’s get one thing straight. I take orders from just one person: me,’ he said.

It took me a moment to place it, and another to dredge up the right response.

‘It’s a wonder you’re still alive.’

We grinned at each other, and it felt like we were the only people in the pub. Or the city. Or even a galaxy far, far away.

I saw Tish rolling her eyes at Adam, who was obviously holding back a giggle. Goodness me. Was there any better way for a man and a woman to flirt than in the words of Han and Leia? If there was, I had yet to discover it. I’d happily have thrown Dan over my shoulder and carried him back to the flat for wild wookie nookie right there and then.

‘But on a serious note,’ he continued, completely spoiling the moment, ‘we need to go back. Eventually. First I need more time, more knowledge. And we’ll make sure Justin’s with us and ready.’

‘What good will that do? Does he have superpowers or something?’ asked Tish.

I’d wondered the same myself. He’d been a dab hand at chanting last time, but so had Betty. He’d helped hoist Sophie to safety, but it had been Will who’d made the tackle that saved her. What was so special about Justin?

‘He’s a blocker,’ said Dan. He stared at our blank expressions and sighed. ‘Okay. I’ll try and explain it. If a demon possesses someone, they usually stick with that body until it suits them to move out of it. That might be when they’ve finished with it, or disposed of it. As an example—’

‘Like if they’ve made it throw itself out of the window,’ I said.

‘Exactly. Then, the demon can move on, either purely in spirit form, or via another body. I’ve seen it happen and it’s not pleasant. Sometimes you can see it – their eyes roll back, or they collapse, or they start speaking gibberish. But sometimes you don’t see it, and you walk out of the room thinking the job’s done, only to find it’s not. In fact
—’

‘You could end up sitting down the pub with it!’ said Tish excitedly. I glanced around at the clientele of the Pig’s Trotter. A few lorry drivers. Some real ale aficionados. Young professionals from the flats. A random collection of toothless old men who looked like they lived in a cardboard box and ate boiled boots for dinner. Yep. Any single one of them could be a demon, I reckoned.

‘Yes, you could. Which is why I tend to pray straight away after an exorcism, to make sure everyone is… clean. If one of us starts foaming at the mouth at the Lord’s Prayer, it’s a fairly sure bet there’s still work to be done. Justin, for some reason, seems particularly attractive to demons. I’ve seen them try and transfer to him several times.’

‘Must be his sparkling personality,’ I said. Quite rightly, Dan ignored me and carried on.

‘And once they’re in him, he blocks them. I don’t know what it is about Justin, but they can’t take control of him. He battles them, traps them in his body but fights them with his mind. And while they’re stuck there, and with his help, it’s
—’

‘Easier to kick their demon butts,’ said Adam.

Dan stared at us all in turn. He had a ferocious stare when he wanted to. Must be all those years in the pulpit, turning ordinary human beings into guilt-wracked blobs of nerves.

‘Is it possible to finish a single sentence without you lot interrupting?’ he said.

‘Sorry!’ we all chorused.

‘It’s okay. I forgive you, my children,’ he replied. Giving us a wink. That kind of thing should be against the law, really.

‘Look. Here’s Will,’ said Tish, gesturing in the direction of the door.

She started poking her hair with her fingers, fluffing up the dark waves, and I saw her lick her lips to make them extra glossy. I guessed things were still off with the Divine Richard, then.

Will had paused in the doorway, pale late-evening sunlight casting him into shadow as he looked around for us. Tish waved a slender hand in his direction, and he walked over. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a plain black T-shirt. His hair wasn’t quite as sleek as usual, and yes, she was right, he did look pretty tasty. I saw a flicker of something – disappointment maybe? – cross Adam’s face as Will sat down. Maybe he’d fancied his chances with Tish himself tonight and now his fun had been spoiled by the untimely arrival of the handsome, charming multi-millionaire.

Despite the casual outfit, though, Will was as tense as I’d ever seen him. His eyes were wild and distracted, darting round the room like he expected the Spanish Inquisition to dash in at any moment, waving their branding irons.

He sat down, and you could feel the anguish radiating from him in waves. God. This would be an eight-pinter at least.

‘Hi,’ he said, ‘the Son of Satan has arrived.’

And no. He wasn’t joking. He now knew the whole story, had taken a copy of the cuttings Adam and Betty had produced, and presumably spent the afternoon reading about how his beloved ancestor chopped up kids for fun. The strain was very clearly taking its toll.

‘Joshua Deerborne was more than a strange old goat, it seems,’ he said. ‘Nobody alive now remembers him, but when I did some digging round in the family archives, I found he’d spent all that time in Europe because he got kicked out of college here. He’d gone to the same one as all the other Deerborne men, but something happened. I haven’t been able to find out what as yet – maybe never will, I’m sure it was all hushed up. A liberal dispensation of cash, probably, some new fund in the Deerborne name…and Joshua shipped off on his grand tour. Like a gap year for psychopaths. Where, presumably, he found the Devil; and brought him home with him…Those dates that Adam and Betty found. They didn’t just coincide with the building. They coincided with Joshua being back in the country.’

Dan reached out and took one of Will’s hands in both of his. And he managed to do it in a way that didn’t look even a tiny bit gay.

‘Will, listen to me,’ he said. ‘This isn’t your fault. This started generations ago and it’s not your fault. If you’re going to help us stop it, you need to stay strong.’

He nodded nervously, avoiding eye contact. ‘I know. But the thought that the money I use today came from anything… wrong… it makes me feel like giving it all up.’

‘You’re doing as much good as you can now,’ I said. ‘And that’s what counts.’

‘You sponsored my footie team,’ Adam chipped in. ‘The Dewey Decimators. We won the Libraries’ League and I reckon it’s all down to the new kits.’

It was only small – but enough to make Will breathe again, and even smile.

‘You see?’ I added. ‘You can’t be all bad. Now come on, let’s all have a drink. That’s another thing you’re good for, Will – you’re loaded, so get yourself to the bar and tell Stan we want another round. In diamond-encrusted glasses.’

The rest of the evening was assisted by the consumption of enough alcohol to fill the Albert Dock. Stan finally kicked us out at three in the morning, when he’d had enough of us playing drunk darts. Tish knocked the final nail into the night’s coffin when she was aiming for double one (again) and instead managed to hit Stan’s precious framed photograph of Barbara Windsor with her bra pinging off in ‘Carry On Camping’.

Will set off towards the centre of town with Adam and Tish, all linking arms like they were about to follow the Yellow Brick Road. Well, they certainly weren’t in Kansas, I thought, as they joined the tail end of a hen party all wearing pink bunny ears and veils.

‘Shall I walk you home?’ asked Dan, offering his arm like an old-fashioned Victorian gentleman.

‘I only live there,’ I said, pointing down to Wapping. ‘And I think I’m more likely to be wobbling home than walking, but… yeah. That’d be nice.’

It took us ten minutes to get back, when it should have taken two. But by the time I was brewing up the coffee and Dan was out on the balcony with a cigarette, I was a lot more sober. Not quite sober enough to do anything fancy like tie my own shoelaces or have conversations about a pheasant plucker’s daughter, but I was in no danger of falling over or vomiting in the sink. Which is always good when you have company. Tall, blonde, sexy male company in particular.

I carried the coffee out to the balcony, placed the mugs on the small wrought-iron table I keep out there, and settled myself down on the padded chair next to him. Our thighs were touching, but it felt comfortable, relaxed. Natural.

‘This is nice,’ he said, gesturing out to view over the river.

It was more than nice. It was beautiful. No two days are ever the same looking out over the Mersey – there’s always a different boat or a different flock of seagulls or a different patch of light reflecting off the water.

‘Yeah. I love sitting out here like this. I still do it in winter, but with seventeen layers of clothing on.’

‘It’s big enough for some plants, you know? A few pots here and there would make all the difference.’

‘They wouldn’t look so good when they were dead,’ I replied.

He laughed, and reached for his tobacco pouch to roll a cigarette. As he exhaled, the smoke drifted off on the breeze, disappearing into the night. I found myself breathing in slightly – smoking by proxy.

‘Does this bother you?’ he asked, noticing my reaction.

I met his eyes, vivid blue against the gloom of the ink-dark sky.

‘No. It doesn’t bother me. It… tempts me,’ I replied, conscious of the weight of his leg stretched out next to mine. And equally as conscious of the amount of alcohol we’d consumed that night. ‘You tempt me,’ I added, in a quieter voice.

He was silent for a moment, smoking and gazing out at the lights on the other side of the river. Then I felt his hand on my palm, long fingers twining with mine, a gentle pressure as his thumb ran up to the tips of my nails. I could feel the heat transferring from his skin and spreading to other parts of my body. Parts that were much lower down.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘And I think I’d better go.’

Chapter 27

I didn’t sleep well. I kept dreaming about giant triffids breaking in from the balcony and trying to have sex with me. Luckily I also kept waking up needing to go for a pee, so they never quite managed it.

I stumbled into the bathroom, scared myself by looking in the mirror, and checked my watch. Shit. It was 11 o’clock. I hadn’t stayed in bed this late since I was fifteen.

Still, that was one of the many advantages of being self-employed, I thought, as I got myself ready for the day. Alongside other real plus points, like no holiday pay, filling in your own tax returns, and sharing your office with nothing more talkative than a grumpy ghost.

I had a text from Tish: ‘Does Father Dan have a big one?’

Cheeky cow. My few hours of restless sleep had done nothing to make me feel less embarrassed about the night before. Okay, I hadn’t exactly thrown myself naked at his feet, but I had said something I’d have preferred not to. Which would have been fine if he’d responded in kind, and we’d ended up sharing a tongue sandwich. Instead, there was all that brooding staring into the distance stuff, the super-sexy hand stroking, then… nothing. A sharp exit, in fact, with a decidedly platonic kiss on the cheek.

I hit Tish’s speed dial, hoping I’d wake her up.

‘Ha! Too late! Already awake!’

Damn her. She knows me too well.

‘How’d it go?’ she asked.

‘Nothing happened.’

‘Why not? Did you puke up on him or something?’

‘No! I was the perfect lady.’

‘Well, that’s where you went wrong then, isn’t it? Perfect ladies never get a good fuck. Hmm… he definitely likes you, I can tell. He watches you when you walk around, and smiles at everything you say. And he is, clearly, a sex god. We need to have a cabinet meeting to discuss what to do next. Maybe he’s one of those weird blokes who doesn’t like to have sex when the parties concerned are drunk.’

‘What? I’ve never heard of that – what other way
is
there to have sex the first time?’

It was probably for the best, anyhow. In the cold – or rather warm, actually – light of day, me and Dan getting it together made no sense at all. I’d be far better off using Alec Jones as a human sex toy. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t mind.

‘Anyway – enough about you. You’re very dull,’ she said. ‘I had a great night. Aren’t you going to ask me who happened?’

‘Don’t you mean what happened?’ I asked.

‘No – I mean who. It was Adam! Will went home after a bit. So me and Adam stayed out. And then me and Adam went in. And out… and in… and out… and—’

‘Yes, okay, I get the picture – there’ll be one very tired librarian snoozing at his desk today. I’ll call in and give him a can of Red Bull later. What about you? What are you up to?’