Fear of Falling (11 page)

“It’s ok, you know. It’s ok if you care,” he said just as he reached my bedroom door. “It won’t make you weak or stupid. It doesn’t mean he’ll be like…
him
.”

I nodded because it seemed like the right thing to do. But it didn’t mean I agreed.

I settled into my new job, and my new life, over the next week, every day grasping a piece of normalcy and working to feel more content in my own skin. Working with Blaine had proven to be interesting, to say the least, but he had stowed the bulk of his intensity. It seemed as if my words had finally gotten through to him, and that was a good thing. It had to be, for both our sakes. I couldn’t feel; feeling led to things that just weren’t possible for us. And instead of dealing with the fallout, I thought it best to keep things pleasantly cordial, no matter how badly I craved for more.

“Hey,” I smiled, stepping behind the bar and tying the little black apron around my waist. Dive had just opened and was completely empty, aside from the day shift preparing for the lunch crowd.

Blaine turned from his task of refilling the soda dispenser and crooked a grin. I could only describe it as polite, and that fact tore me in two.

“Hey, Kami.” His deep chocolate eyes narrowed. “You change your hair?”

I twirled a lock of my honey blonde-highlighted mane and shrugged. “Felt like I needed a change.” I didn’t have the guts to tell him that it was really an attempt at bribery by Angel. She knew I was a whore for spa days at the upscale salon she frequented, and used my weakness to try to get me to gush about my feelings for Blaine. It didn’t fully work as she intended but I did throw her a bone: I told her I was attracted to him. It was harmless enough. Even a 90-year old deaf and blind woman would have a raging lady boner for him.

Blaine gave me the most genuine smile I had seen from him in days, and I swear I felt something in my chest swell. “I like it. Makes you look…devastatingly sexy.”

I didn’t try to stifle the blush that I could feel heating my cheeks. I embraced it. It was the first time I had felt anything other than regret in days. “Yeah?”

“Hell yeah,” he said, closing the distance between us in three long strides.

And there it was again. The smell of mint and spice and pure male. The heat that seemed to roll off his body and enfold me like a mink blanket. Those intense brown eyes that made me forget my own name and had me imagining screaming out his.

Him. It was all him. Blaine somehow made me forget
me
. The
me
that wasn’t allowed to feel all these beautiful, exciting things. The
me
that didn’t believe in happy endings. The
me
that was unlovable, and in turn, could never, ever love.

“You were sexy before…unbelievably so. But the way the golden strands seem to meld with your green eyes, it just… wow. Makes it hard to look at anything or anyone else.”

I sucked in a breath of air and let it out slowly through my mouth, closing my eyes in attempt to regain some sense of composure. “Blaine…” I couldn’t say anymore. His name, occupying my tongue like his skin once did, was enough.

“I’m sorry,” he quickly sputtered, breaking me from the sweet memories of tasting him. My eyes fluttered open to him looking sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck with a tattooed hand. Shit, even
that
was sexy.

“I think I should explain.” He rolled the barbell in his mouth before flashing me a strained grin. “I have this habit of always saying how I feel, no matter how embarrassing it is. A long time ago, I didn’t speak my mind. I didn’t ask the right questions because I was afraid of the answers. And life fucked me over because I kept my mouth shut. So I vowed to always be brutally honest and let the chips fall where they may. I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

I looked away, seeking refuge from his penetrating stare. It didn’t make me uncomfortable. His words, his presence, it made me anxious. It made that pesky flutter in my stomach evolve into a full-on swarm of butterflies.

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” I replied, speaking my truth. For once, I didn’t let fear suppress my first instinct. “But you do make me nervous.”

“Nervous?” Blaine asked, crooking a brow.

“In a good way,” I quickly recovered. Shit.
Real smooth.

Blaine chuckled, and that fascinating sound chipped at the wall around my forgotten heart. “I wasn’t aware there was a good kinda nervous. But I’ll take it. Anything to see your cheeks get pink like that. You have no idea how it makes me feel when that happens.”

Speechless. I was rendered completely speechless, and my cheeks had taken on a life of their own and complied with his wishes. The smile that spread across Blaine’s lips as he took in my reddened face was undeniable and I suddenly felt completely stripped bare before him. I just wanted to cover myself and hide. But Blaine wasn’t having that. Before my nerves sent me cowering in a corner, his head dipped, and his lips were at my earlobe.

“I know you said you don’t feel anything,” he whispered. “But can you honestly say that you don’t feel
this
? That this heat, this attraction, is all in my head? Don’t think about it; just answer. Tell me what your heart wants to say and not what your head keeps trying to make you believe.”

I swallowed down the “no” that was already reflexively building in my throat and let Blaine’s proximity push away the fear. His presence did that for me; it got me out of my own way.

“Yes, Blaine,” I rasped. “I feel it.” I did. I felt all of it. I felt all of
him
.

I dared a glance up at him, and my knees buckled when my eyes met his. Luckily, he reached out to steady me before I could bite it in a big way. As his arm wrapped around my waist, an audible gasp escaped me, and my body nearly went limp.

“Don’t worry,” he smiled, pulling me into the hard warmth of his chest. “I’ve got you. I’ll always catch you when you fall.”

And just like that, Blaine had staked his claim on the untouched part of me that no living soul had ever moved. He had captured every fear, every reservation, and crushed them in the palm of his inked hand.

“Um, can we get some service here?”

We both spun around, my panting body still wrapped in Blaine’s tight, protective grip. Even with the realization that we were no longer alone, he didn’t loosen his hold on me. If anything, it only made him pull me in closer.

“Hey guys,” I squeaked nervously, peeling Blaine’s fingers from around my hips. “What are you doing here?” I tried hard not to sound snarky, but I knew trouble was amidst.

Angel and Dominic wore twin mischievous grins. “I thought I’d treat Dom to lunch,” Angel piped up. “I heard this place has really good food. And I was craving a burger.”

I rolled my eyes. “Angel, I have never seen you eat a burger, let alone carbs. Seriously?” I knew what they were up to, and I was pissed. Not so much at their presence but at the fact that I was forced from Blaine’s arms. Judging by the slight frown between his brows and the way he worked his studded tongue, he felt the same way.

“I’m trying something new,” she trilled, grabbing a menu.

My gaze fell on Dom, who seemed amused by me and Angel’s tiff. “And you? You let her talk you into it?”

Dom shrugged and smiled into his own menu. “A man’s gotta eat, Kam.”

I shook my head before stealing a glance at Blaine. He looked down at me and gave me a small smile. I couldn’t help but return the sentiment. It felt like we were sharing a private joke, and that was enough to squelch my bitchiness.

“Fine,” I sighed. “What can I get you two?”

My friends ordered, and by the time their food arrived, more lunch-seeking patrons had arrived, though most opted for the tables on the dining floor. Few people ordered more than sodas, making work for Blaine and I pretty lax.

“So how long have you been working here, Blaine?” Dominic asked, munching on a fry.

Blaine was leaning against the bar, his arms and legs crossed casually. My eyes zeroed in on the way the movement made his muscles stretch his t-shirt, generating fiery heat in my belly. I couldn’t even hear his answer. I was too mesmerized at the way the fabric pulled and molded every delicious ripple. Though he always dressed simply in t-shirts and worn jeans, the way clothes fell over Blaine’s physique was masterful. His body would be a fashion designer’s dream. But at that very moment, I could care less about his clothes. Unless they were on my bedroom floor.

“Kam? Hello? Kami, you there?”

“Huh?” I asked blinking rapidly, my dilated pupils struggling to focus. Angel giggled, and I could have sworn I heard Dom snort. Assholes.

“I asked if I could get some ketchup,” Angel winked. Part of me wanted to squirt it at her, staining her white, eyelet sundress.

“So how do you all know each other?” Blaine asked, pulling me from my dress-murdering thoughts. I grabbed the bottle and handed it to her with a tight smile.

“Kam and I went to college together in Atlanta,” Dom replied. “After I graduated, we came up here. Angel was pathetically single in her big lavish condo and said we could room with her. I know her from high school, since I lived in this area for a few years back in the day.”

“He’s the guy that turned me gay!” Angel added.

“Oh, come on! Do you have to tell everyone that story? You know that’s bullshit!” Dom protested, throwing his half-eaten fry at her. Angel dodged it and stuck her tongue out at him.

“It is not!” She turned to Blaine and me on the other side of the bar, her blue eyes shining with conviction. “Dirty Dom was quite the ladies man, even as a youngster. He was my first piece of peen and, thankfully, my last. Why anyone would want to stick that thing up in them is beyond me. Yuck! I’d rather fuck a frozen hot dog.”

“Well, maybe that’s because you haven’t had the right one to turn you straight, darlin’,” said a familiar southern drawl. Angel turned just in time to see CJ easing onto the barstool next to her.

“Trust me, one is enough. There is nothing soft and sensual about men. Sorry guys, but you have got nothing on the ladies,” she cooed, flashing me a wink and blowing me a kiss.

“CJ, this is Kami and Angel’s roommate, Dominic,” Blaine said motioning between the two guys. “Dominic, this is my knucklehead cousin, Craig Jacobs.”

“Holy shit, dude!” CJ exclaimed, leaning over to offer Dom his fist. “You actually live with these two? You are my new fucking hero!”

Dom bumped fists with him and shrugged. “Trust me, it’s not as great as it sounds. This one,” he said nodding towards Angel “walks around practically naked, yet doesn’t like the D. And Kam…she doesn’t like
anyone
. A guy can only take so much cuddling before blue balls cripples him or renders him sterile.”

My eyes widened with shock as I tried to eject daggers from them.
How could he say that?
I mean, yeah, it was true for the most part. But it wasn’t supposed to be public knowledge!

“So cuddling, you say? Like naked cuddling?” CJ pressed. I rolled my eyes and tried to busy my hands before they spontaneously slapped him.

“Naked enough,” Dom replied. “I mean, yeah, I see them naked. Angel is an exhibitionist and Kam never closes her door.”

I could tell by the way he glanced at me and cringed, he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. What was wrong with Dom? Why was he spilling our personal business to virtual strangers? And why was Angel shrugging and nodding in agreement? I had to be missing something.

Against my better judgment, I glanced at Blaine, who was intently looking at me. Not with disgust, or amusement, or even lust. He seemed thoughtful, and maybe even a bit embarrassed by the topic. Whatever was behind his gaze, it made me feel oddly at ease. It washed away the horror that tried to bubble its way to the surface.

“Well, kids, I gotta get back to work,” Dom announced, standing up and tossing his napkin onto his plate. He looked to me with apologetic eyes before leaning over the bar. I knew I should’ve been slapping his handsome face right at that very moment, but instead, I pressed my lips to his for a quick peck. Dominic sighed with relief. He couldn’t stand when I was angry with him, and denying him affection would destroy him. I was mad at him, but I didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t deserve to ever feel pain again.

Angel left a kiss on my cheek before I could pull away, and wrapped her arms around our shoulders, resulting in an awkward group hug. It was silly and probably garnered quite a few sideways glances, but it was us. It would always be the three of us—the rejected, the abused, and the damaged. Nothing could penetrate our bond. No one else could fully understand it.

“Ok, boys, see you tomorrow night!” Angel remarked, releasing us. “Hope you’re ready for A.D. to rock the house!” Tomorrow would officially be AngelDust’s first night as Dive’s house band. They were scheduled to play every Friday and Saturday, plus sit in and play on Thursday evening for Dive’s new Open Mic Nights starting next week.

“No doubt,” Blaine nodded. “See you guys later.”

After the lunch crowd had diminished and CJ had begrudgingly returned to his day job, Blaine turned to me as I was drying tumblers.