Fear of Falling (8 page)

I was shaking my head before he had completed the last word of his proposal. “I can’t tell you that, Dom. Maybe one day, but not now.”

His hands were grasping my shoulders with enough pressure to get my attention, and indicate he was serious. “You can, Kam. You can but you won’t. There’s a difference. Saying it out loud doesn’t bring it to life. It doesn’t power the fear. It takes it away. It shows that you are in control.”

“Does it?” I asked, a frown easing itself between my brows. “Because every time I’ve let my guard down, it has backfired in my face in the worst possible way. By tucking it away, by listing everything in this life that terrifies the shit out of me, I am releasing it. I need this, Dom. It’s the only thing that is keeping me sane.” A smirk played at my lips as I shrugged under his grip. “Well, somewhat sane.”

Dominic dropped his hands and let them slide down to my wrists. “Just promise me one day. Promise you’ll let me in. I need to know that you aren’t crumbling inside.”

“My, my…notorious playboy, Dominic Trevino has a heart of gold,” I smiled, hoping to lighten the mood.

Humor was my fallback when things got too heavy, and they often did with us. To the outside world, we were normal, carefree, fun-loving, young adults. But the truth was, we were anything but. We were broken, battered and bleeding. We had depended on each other for so long that we didn’t know how to survive without the other. Dom had become an appendage to me. He was just as vital to my life as my arm or leg. I not only needed him to keep moving forward, I needed him to keep the crippling anxiety from squeezing the breath from my lungs every single damn day. Dominic was my savior.

He narrowed his eyes and shook his head, totally seeing through my ploy to change the subject. But he would let it go. For now. He always did.

“Ok, Fatty, let’s get you fed.” He pinched the sliver of exposed skin where my jeans hugged my hipbones. I rolled my eyes. If it were up to him, I’d be a good 15 pounds heavier. I still hadn’t put on the weight I had dropped after the last incident.

“I really wish you’d talk to me,” he said quietly. “I don’t like this, Kam. I don’t want you suffering in silence.” A quick flash of hurt played on his features. But that was all he would give me. He was just as emotionally blocked as I was.

“I know you want me to open up. And I will. One day.” I tugged at a lock of hair nervously, trying to pull the words from my lips. “It’s just… It was just a name, Dom.”

Before I could explain, his eyes had widened with alarm, and he was pulling me closer to his body protectively. “What happened? Did he find you? Has he made contact? Tell me what happened, Kam.”

I shook my head furiously, hoping to dispel his alarm. “No, nothing like that. A new name.” I tried to give him the most confident smile I owned, which was pretty damn pathetic to his trained eye. “It’s not what you think. And it’s not really the person I fear. It’s me. It’s my reaction to him. It’s the pure adrenaline that courses through my veins whenever we’re near. It’s the excitement I feel when he says my name. It’s the way his eyes penetrate the front I put on for the world to see me for what I am. And I hate it. It scares the shit out of me because I like it too.”

I would have sworn that a family of flies could have camped out in Dom’s mouth that hung ajar for a good 30 seconds after my confession.

“You met a
guy
? And you’re afraid of him?”

“No,” I said shaking my head. “I’m afraid because, whenever he’s around, I’m not scared anymore. I feel…safe. Like being near him is the most natural thing in the world.”

Dominic shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. I couldn’t blame him. I couldn’t believe I was actually saying the words aloud.

“And I assume you won’t be sharing the name of this mystery man that is so damn scary, yet somehow so damn appealing? I’ll even up the ante with champagne,” he winked.

I grinned at my little secret and shook my head. I wasn’t ready to say. Not because I was afraid to tell him in fear of judgment. And not because I thought he’d disapprove. But if what Dom said was true about revealing my fears—if saying it out loud somehow made this feeling less real, then I don’t think I could ever be ready.

For the first time in twenty-three years, I felt
something.
Something other than trepidation when a man touched me. Something more than the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I had to shatter another heart because I couldn’t let anyone in. Something so much more than the emptiness that filled my chest when I thought about the normal, happy life that I would never have.

Blaine was my
more
.

After spending another day shift with Blaine, I was ready to brave the Friday night crowd at Dive. I wasn’t worried; bartending was one of the few things that didn’t make me nervous. It was fast-paced, lively, and you could be whoever you wanted to be. I could flirt and laugh without reservation. I could be a total bitch if a patron got too ass-grabby. I could exude complete confidence and self-assurance. I could be fearless.

Tonight, the girls of AngelDust would be in attendance for their live audition. If anything, I was more nervous for them. Sure, they were amazingly talented, but after seeing who they would be up against, my stomach clenched and roiled into a dozen tiny knots.

All that was erased the moment I saw his face, his mouth rolling his studded tongue in concentration as he filled an order. I tried to focus on filling the beer mug in my hand without collecting too much foam, yet every few seconds, my gaze swept to him. And every glance ignited a jolt in me, making that damn Asian flush creep onto my cheeks.

“What’s that look for?” Blaine asked, suddenly beside me. Oddly, the nearness of him didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I only felt…heat.

I finished up my order of beers and slid them to the customers with a smile. “What look?” I asked innocently, simultaneously taking another order while he worked on filling a tray of shots beside me.

“The look that says you’re secretly undressing me with your eyes,” he answered without hesitance.

My mouth was hanging open, unable to formulate even a mutter of defense, when a familiar squeal saved me from further awkwardness.

“Kam! Holy shit, can you believe the size of this crowd?” Angel yelled over the roar of bar chatter. She leaned over the bar, her cleavage nearly spilling over into a pitcher of beer, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I greeted the other girls with a wave before rushing to take the next order.

“So, Blaine, how’s my girl working out here?” I heard her say as soon as I turned towards a group of girls who were blatantly checking out Blaine’s backside.

“Oh my God, is that Blaine Jacobs? When did he get back?”

“I’m not sure but–Wow–he’s even hotter! Looks like getting rid of that dead weight worked out for him because, DAMN!”

“I know! Can you believe what that bitch did to him? I’m not complaining because that means he’s back on the market!”

“Did you hear what he did to that guy? I heard they released him from prison early for good behavior.”

“I don’t care. I want him. Look at those arms. I can’t wait to feel them wrapped around my naked body.”

“Hell no, bitch, I saw him first. Mark my words, Blaine will be between my legs by the end of the night!”

“Can I help you?” I asked with more attitude than absolutely necessary. I couldn’t help it; the way they were talking about Blaine had my blood boiling and my bitch-slap hand twitching.

The girls, who had to be in their early twenties, looked at me with stunned expressions. I tried to plaster on a tight smile to ease the tension, but that didn’t make me feel any better. Was I…jealous? No. Of course not. I’d never been jealous a day in my life. I’d never even cared enough about a guy to
be
jealous. Yet, for some reason, I wanted nothing more than to reach across that bar and snatch those gossipy bitches bald-headed.

And what dead weight were they talking about? And prison? I knew it was quite possible that Blaine had a dark side. Yeah, he was covered in tattoos and had a particular…I don’t know…swagger that spoke of his seamless confidence. Yet, he didn’t seem cocky or douchey. Blaine just seemed completely at home in his ink-adorned skin.

The boldest of the flock spoke up first. “Oh, I love your earrings.” (She was lying.) “Do you think you could do us a huge favor and get that guy to serve us instead? We’re old friends from high school, and I know he’d love to catch up with us,” she said with a sickly sweet smile that nauseated me. I returned the sentiment with one of my own before spinning around and marching across the bar.

As if he could somehow feel my presence, Blaine turned and smiled at me while ringing up a patron’s order. However, it quickly faded when he eyed my irritated expression. “What’s wrong?”

I shook off the annoyance and grinned. “Nothing at all. Some friends of yours are requesting you down there,” I said with a nod towards the group of fan-girls.

Blaine followed my gaze and I could have sworn there was a trace of a frown on his lips when his eyes fell on the pack of hyenas. Or maybe that’s just what I wanted to see. He turned back to me and nodded. “Thanks. I got this.”

I followed his fluid movement towards them and could visibly see the girls light up as he got closer. Even over the roar of the crowd, I could hear their squeals and laughter, especially when he brushed his sexy mussed hair from his eyes with a tattooed hand.

“I never thought I’d see the day that Kami Duvall would get jealous over a guy,” Angel remarked just loud enough for me to hear. I returned my attention to the line of waiting customers and took an order, hoping that my indifference would lead her off the scent of my true feelings. I didn’t want her to see just how much Blaine, or any guy for that matter, affected me. And I damn sure didn’t need to witness Blaine flirting with a group of cock-hungry bar sluts.

“Who’s jealous?” a deep masculine voice asked, adding fuel to Angel’s accusatory fire. I turned just in time to see Dominic plant a kiss on her cheek. Even though I was annoyed that Angel was on to me, I couldn’t help but beam at the sight of my dearest friend.

“Dom! You came!” I leaned across the bar to greet him so he could press his lips against mine. The greeting may have been oddly intimate to some, but he and I had always been touchy. Affection amongst the three of us was something that most didn’t understand, but it was simple; it was the only show of love that we found acceptable. Outsiders didn’t understand because they were just that—outsiders.

“Of course, I couldn’t miss supporting my girls on their big day,” he beamed, his bright white teeth contrasting brilliantly with his caramel skin. Only when his eyes diverted to my right did his smile fade. I looked to see Blaine beside me, damn near scowling at Dom.

“Hey Dom, this is Blaine. He’s one of the bartenders here at Dive.” I waved a hand between the two of them. “Blaine, this is Dominic Trevino.”

“The most awesome guy she’s ever had the pleasure to know, love and live with,” Dom added playfully, shooting me a wink. Blaine nodded politely then busied himself with an order without another word. From what I knew of Blaine, which wasn’t much, it seemed out of character. He’d always been so warm and friendly towards everyone. Before I could really feel the arctic temperature of his mood, boisterous laughter approached us, followed by a barrage of cheers.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Angel Cassidy and her cute, little pussycats,” Ryan Winn sneered, flanked by his band mates.

Ryan was the lead singer for The Takers, the band that Angel used to play for before she left and started AngelDust two years ago. It was a nasty split, resulting in him sparking up nasty rumors about Angel. To make matters worse, Ryan had been vying for my attention since I got to Charlotte. I knew it was to get under Angel’s skin, which just made me hate him more.

“And if it isn’t Ryan Winn and his load of unswallowed cum-shots,” she shot back. Even I had to giggle at that one. Ryan acted like he didn’t even hear it.