Fearless (13 page)

“Uh, I guess I was still posing for you, and you were still painting me.”

He smiled and nodded his head. “Yes, that’s just where we were. This portrait is really coming along nicely. Nottingham should love it. At least, that’s the idea. God forbid he thinks that it sucks.” But then he shrugged his shoulders. “Ah, the worst that could happen is that he says it sucks and he refuses to pay me. Then I would have this portrait for myself to keep. That would hardly be punishment.”

I cocked my head at him. “It wouldn’t be punishment? Why do you say that?”

“Because then I could always have this beautiful portrait of you. So, when you and I are done with this project, and you inevitably forget about me and find the wealthy guy who can treat you like the precious and rare diamond that you are, I will always have something that will remind me of you.”

I suddenly felt overwhelmingly sad for Luke. Sad that he couldn’t see what was in front of his face – that I wanted to be with him. I knew that. He evidently didn’t. I also felt sad that he thought that being treated like a cold jewel was something that I ever wanted out of a relationship. I wanted somebody who would treat me like the flawed person that I really was. Not somebody who held me up on a pedestal.

Luke evidently did have me on a pedestal, and that was incredibly frustrating for me. I knew why he put me on the pedestal, though, of course. He evidently couldn’t see me as clearly as I would have liked. He seemed to be blinded by his own insecurities in that regard.

I got up off my sofa, and went over to him. I didn’t look at the portrait he was making, of course. I never wanted to see these portraits until they were finished, and this was no exception. But I carefully went over to him and held out my hand for him to take.

He tentatively put his hand in mine, and looked at me questioningly.

I took a deep breath. “Okay, Luke. I’m going to say this only once. You can either believe it or not. I can’t convince you
if you already have your mind made up about this. But I will tell you that I’m crazy about you. I’ve thought of little else but being with you, ever since you came over last night. I know that it’s sudden, because we don’t really know one another all that well yet. But I feel that I’m falling in love with you.”

Luke’s beautiful eyes got wide when I said that, and his entire face broke out into an enormous smile. But he also flushed a deep scarlet. He gripped my hand tightly in his own, and then he looked down at the floor. He still didn’t say anything, though.

So, I continued. “Who knows? Maybe I am my father’s daughter after all. He fell in love with my mom at first sight. She thought he was crazy, or at least that was how they told it to me. So, we Gallaghers are known for falling for people pretty quickly. I never thought that it would happen for me like that, until you kissed me last night. And then I knew.”

He looked like he might start to actually believe me. But, then he shook his head. “Oh, my god. I don’t know what to say. Except that I’m feeling the exact same way about you, Dalilah. I didn’t think that it would be possible that you would feel the same way about me.” His voice trailed off, and he looked at the wall, which was reflecting the light from the window. “Never thought it was possible.”

And then he took his hand away from mine and he gripped his paint brush tightly with both hands. He stared at the brush for a few minutes. He shook his head again and looked at me. My heart stopped as his beautiful eyes, which looked blue in this light, met mine. He put his hand on my cheek. “Oh, Dalilah, how I wish that things were different. How I wish that I would be able to give you the world. But I can’t possibly ask a woman like you to be with a boy who has bars on his windows to keep out the burglars. That’s the reality of the situation.”

I put my hands on the back of his head. “I know, Luke. I know how you are feeling. But I also know how I am feeling. And I know, as sure as I am standing here, that you’re going to be able to give
me the world, if that is what you want. You are far too talented to live the rest of your life in poverty. Believe me. I wouldn’t say this if it weren’t true. I don’t blow smoke up anybody’s ass.” And then I smiled. “No matter how cute that ass happens to be in a pair of jeans. Anyhow, I digress.”

He smiled, too, at my little joke. But he looked down at the floor again. “Yeah, talented people never die in poverty. Like Van Gogh, Poe, Franz Schubert and Vermeer.”

I put my hand on his chin. “Hey,” I said. “Don’t dwell on those giants. Think more about Picasso, Warhol, Arbus, Ansel Adams, and any number of artists who became rich and famous during their lifetimes. That’s going to be you. You’re not going to fit the stereotype of the penniless genius. I completely believe in you. Now, you just have to also believe in yourself.”

He smiled and took my hands. “I know, Dalilah. I know that I’m talented. I just don’t have the certainty that you apparently do that the rest of the world is going to find out about my talent. Because, so far, I’ve just been drowning because I’m just one talented artist in an endless sea of others who are just as talented.”

I smiled back, because I
did
have the certainty that Luke would be discovered, sooner rather than later. As long as I could manipulate Nottingham to do what I wanted, then Luke would have the platform to show himself to the world. And the rest would fall into place.

Of course, Luke had no way of knowing the devious plan that I had in my head. And there was no way that I would ever tell him about it. He would think that I was crazy.

“Well, Luke, let’s just say that I know that you’re going to be discovered. There’s no way that you won’t be. In the meantime, just know that I want to be with you. I would be with you right now, bars on your windows and all. I can’t convince you of this, of course, but I want to put that out there all the same. I just want you. But, since you apparently feel that you have to be successful before we can be together, then the only thing that I can do is bide my time until that happens. And I will, Luke. You have opened up my eyes and made me feel things that I didn’t think that I was capable of feeling. So, there is no way that I am going to let that go.”

Luke took a deep breath, and held my hands. “I wish that I really believed that, Dalilah.” He paused, and then looked at me. “Because I think that I’m already in love with you.”

I smiled, and felt my entire body flushing all over as he said that. I felt like jumping up and down with joy, just knowing that Luke felt that way about me.

“I’m in love with you, too, Luke. And we will be together. You can be sure of that.”

He stood up and stroked my cheek. “I wish that I could be sure of that, Dalilah. Believe me, I wish that I could be sure of that.”

I look
ed at him and thought to myself
you will be sure of that. When you become a world-renowned artist, thanks to Nottingham giving you major showings, you will be sure of the fact that you and I will be together.

Of course, the consequences of manipulating Nottingham like that was far, far from my mind at that time. I only knew what was right in front of me. Looking back, I wish that I would have thought everything through just a little bit more.

Chapter Eighteen

I left Luke’s
studio, reluctantly, after my session. He apparently had to pull a double-shift at the bar, so he had to leave, and I had to admit that, as I sat on the bus bound for home, I really was missing him. I was starting to feel that I wanted to be with him all the time. I almost hated that feeling, though. I certainly didn’t want to be clingy and needy.

But Luke had also made me realize how desperately lonely I was. The loneliness was palpable suddenly. I never really had thought about it in quite that way. I always thought that I wasn’t lonely, I was just bored. After all, I was independent and always had been. I never really thought that I needed close connections in my life. Now, for the first time, I was realizing how wrong that was. I was lonely, desperately lonely.

I tried not to think about that when I got back to my studio. Then I started to think about using that lonely feeling as inspiration for my next work. Which I did, as I conceived of a barren landscape in a post-dystopian world. I was going to get my feet wet with my art again.

I worked for severa
l hours, watching the clock to see when I could contact Nottingham. I knew that he was at work, and, truth be told, I really didn’t know his hours. But I figured that it might be safe to call him in the late afternoon.

After several hours, I stood back and looked at my work. I cocked my head, and tried to silence the critical voice in my head that said
it’s terrible, Dalilah. You’re a hack. You’re not good and you will never be good again.
I had long since lost confidence in my own ability to evaluate my work, so I really didn’t know if what I had painted was good or not. What I did know was that it was definitely a start. And it really did express how I was feeling. Lonely, alienated, disjointed, removed from the world. I was coming back from being like that, because of Luke. But, at the same time, Luke was keeping his distance, so there was still the feeling in my mind of hopelessness and despair.

Finally, I got to a stopping point and took an enormous breath and called Nottingham’s private line.
He immediately picked up.

“Dalilah,” he said. “Took you long enough to respond to my entreaties.”

I groaned inwardly. Who used the word “entreaty” in regular conversation? Pompous asses who want to show off their SAT vocabulary, that’s who. Nottingham turned my stomach.
I’m doing this for you, Luke. You will never know that I did this, but you will get the benefits of it.

“Yes, Blake,” I purred. “I’m so sorry. I got really busy. Anyhow, I’m calling you now. I know that you want to see me, so I thought that perhaps we could get together soon.”

“I knew that you would, Dalilah. The other night has been on my mind constantly. You were so game. I really would like to do that on a regular basis. I think that you will find that I can be a most interesting and stimulating lover.”

Oh, boy. How was I going to get around this? “Blake, let’s talk about that later. Right now, I just thought that we could meet for a drink or something.”

“Meet me at the Union Club. Tonight. 7 PM. Do not be late.”

And, just like that, he hung up.

The Union Club. I had never heard of that place. I was thinking that he and I would meet at some bar. I had no idea if this place was a restaurant or bar or whatever.

So, I Googled it. And, of course, it wasn’t a bar or a restaurant. It was an exclusive
rich guy’s club, the most exclusive in the entire city. I read that this club was so exclusive that even the sons of the most prominent members were denied admission. This club was known for its opulence, five dining rooms, lounge, and humidor with 100,000 cigars. Members have included Cornelius Vanderbilt, Dwight D. Eisenhower, William Randolph Hearst and Ulysses Grant.

I groaned, wondering how I was ever going to get into this place. I would imagine that Nottingham would arrange to meet me outside the place so that he could get me in as his guest. I had visions of the movie
Titanic,
where the rich assholes sat around drinking brandy around a fire and discussing politics and other dry topics, while the peasants down below were having the time of their lives.

Yup. Luke was my Jack Dawson, while Nottingham was definitely Cal Hockley. I giggled as I suddenly realized this. But then again,
it wasn’t really all that funny, as Cal got pretty stalky and murderous in that movie when he realized that Rose and Jack had fallen in love. Nottingham definitely had that potential as well. I could see that.

I definitely wasn’t looking forward to this meeting. I would have to put him off when he would inevitably suggest going back to his place for more fun and games. I was going to have to walk a fine line between teasing him enough to think that he still had a chance with me, and actually going to bed with him again. I had no idea how I was going to thread that needle, and I also knew that one false move would have the opposite effect of what I wanted. Nottingham had the potential to make Luke in this town. He also had the potential to break him even more.

And Luke couldn’t be broken down further. He and I were really a lot alike in one respect – we both had little confidence in our own artistic abilities. I was astounded to realize that this was still true with me – that I thought of myself as a hack as I stared at what I painted on my canvas. I never thought that before, when I was young. I guess because I had so much outside encouragement and adoration that I knew that I was good. Now, it was only me who was looking at my own art, and I just didn’t trust my inner voice and my instincts on this. I wasn’t fearless anymore.

And Luke. Well, he probably did know that he was talented. He had to. But he hadn’t exactly gotten the positive feedback that would be necessary for him to really know his own potential. And,
if things didn’t go well with Nottingham, then the danger would be that Luke might have an even more difficult time getting noticed, and this would further drain his confidence. And if Luke never found his own confidence, than there really was no hope for my relationship with him.

So, the stakes of my meeting with Nottingham were uncomfortably high.

I questioned myself as I sat on my hardwood floor, my back against my hide-a-bed. The bottle of whiskey was staring at me, beckoning me, but I ignored that siren call. I started breathing heavily as I anticipated all that might go wrong. But I couldn’t think of any other way of getting Luke a platform in this town. I was at an absolute loss. Nick was wealthy and had lived in this city for a long time, but, as far as I knew, he didn’t know any large art patrons. My father was wealthy, but he hadn’t even moved to the city, so he didn’t know any large benefactors either.

Finally, I just decided that I needed to talk to somebody with a devious and subtle mind. A mind that I definitely didn’t possess.

I went down to Alaina’s and knocked on her door.